Erotic transference leading to disaster | The PsychCafe

sadlyMember

Was going to post this in another thread but moved it here to a new thread.

It is about erotic transference and erotisized transference. And what happened to me - years ago,- and I could do with some insight. I am still carrying a lot of guilt about what happened, and a lot of shame too. And self blame.

Hummmm
I definately have fleeting erotic transference with my P - occasionally have sexual fantasies about him which are more like him being a gentle father figure really, (not explaining more, too embarrassed!)
I don't actually feel sexual to him when I see him, I feel usually just my normal adult self or my small hurt self who seeks his love, care and attention and acceptance etc and likes him being there for me.
With my previous male T, 16 years ago, I had the erotic transference, then it got kind of weird. I might need TN and AG to help me here.

i - gulp - Red Face
heck
I sort of got VERY confused around him. Oh heck, guys, don't pounce on me for this if I tell you.....
the previous T, I had loads of erotic transference around, and I got myself into a strange state where I did not want sex with him, was VERY adament about that, but DID want to feel more special and more intimate with him and I sort of convinced him that I had ended therapy and then we continued to meet, more as colleagues exploring what intimacy meant.
but unbeknown to him or me, I was still seeing him as a father figure and was attached to him and was still feeling quite small inside.

He, unbeknown to me, was sexually attracted to me and had a sex addiction, and began to plan a way to have an affair with me, (he admitted this afterwards) and so there am I feeling safe and able to interact with what I see as a safe father figure, and explore intimacy (without sex) and he is actually falling more and more into using me for his own ends and desires.

Well as you can imagine it had tragic consequences.

Sigh.

But I wondered for a moment if I had eroticized transference, until I remembered that I never wanted sex with him, or was maybe too ethical in my head, being married etc, to go there, and he was fully planning to have an affair with me unbeknown to me. I was loving his attention and the intimacy - total mess really.

Go on,fire away, tell me what a fool I was. I was actually totally caught up in re enactment of previous abuses and he just played out his role ..... for his own needs.
Frowner

3/1/112:57 PM

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yakusokuMember

I don't think anyone on here will say anything about you being a fool. It sounds like you were very self aware and knew what you were looking for and your exT is the one who not only confused the therapy boundaries, which is in reality experimenting with the safety of a client who he should be protecting, but also intentionally sought an unethical relationship with you, which as a T, he should have known would be very damaging to you. If it helps, I have had a little bit of ET toward paternal transference figures in the past, for some reason I have no idea. I do realize the potential that it could go that way with T this time, so I am adamant about keeping my H at least as informed and emotionally intimate (even when I don't feel like it) as a protection. But, I don't judge you over those confusing feelings. Basically, without getting too into details, I've always had fantasies about being taken advantage of sexually and emotionally by men with power over me. It makes me feel disgusting and ashamed and I have no explanation for it that I can remember. I'm not saying this because it's something I'm proud of, but I wanted you to know that it's normal to have feelings like that you're not proud of and I really believe everyone has feelings they don't feel proud of, so no one on here is going to judge you for it anymore than they would judge you for saying you were really scared or really lonely. -Yaku

PS - I think I can really empathize with your

feelings right now, because I am feeling QUITE vulnerable after sharing that information...

3/1/114:56 PM

Attachment GirlAdmin

quote:
Go on,fire away, tell me what a fool I was.

Sadly,
Absolutely not!! The whole point of therapy is that the therapist holds the boundaries and interacts with us in a healthy way so that we don't enter re-enactments and can learn now ways to relate. HE was responsible for that, not you. There's a special corner of hell reserved for sexual abusers and that includes therapist who abuse their sacred trust and responsiblity towards a client.

Nothing you are describing sounds like you were behaving in a seductive manner and even if you were, he was responsible to hold the line. When he realized that he was sexually attracted and wasn't able to control it, you should have been referred.

I mean, seriously, I honestly believe that if I walked into my Ts office and stripped naked, he would calmly tell me to get dressed and ask me about why I had taken my clothes off.

I very much related to what you said about having a safe father figure with whom you could explore intimacy. I very much needed a safe place to express sexual feelings because a lot of my beliefs and attitudes about my sexuality were pretty bent because of the abuse by my dad. My T made it very clear to me that any and all of my feelings could be discussed in his office, that he had those boundaries and nothing would happen. He understood on a very deep level that to have anything happen between us would be the abuse from my father all over again. (OK, just for the record, I don't think I presented that much temptation.

)

And I am incredibly grateful to him. Because I hit a point where he meant so much to me, God forgive me, if he had only crooked his little finger I would have been on my back faster than a NY city driver beeps when the light turns green. I needed his protection.

It was abuse, pure and simple, and I don't think that you should beat yourself up. You did what you were supposed to do, trust and be open and honest.

AG

3/1/118:24 PM

sadlyMember

this typing is hard, but I feel like crying

I always felt it was my fault.

Can't write more now, feels too FULL - lots of crying inside,
but will come back and write later
I want to thank you, both of you. Thank you so much.

sadlyMember

quote:
God forgive me, if he had only crooked his little finger I would have been on my back faster than a NY city driver beeps when the light turns green.

Oh, AG, you are such a good person to share these things with, I love it when you are so open and reveal how difficult things were for you - thank you.

Yaku - also thank you for sharing stuff that you found difficult - I appreciate your honesty and your real attempt to meet me and help me by sharing something about you that you found hard. That is both courageous and very kind of you. So thank you.

quote:
It was abuse, pure and simple, and I don't think that you should beat yourself up. You did what you were supposed to do, trust and be open and honest.

Thank you for this bit, AG. I was never seductive to him that I know of. I was like a young girl, innocently revealing my fears and my tentative steps towards having a sexuality at all, and he just took advantage of that. I never ever wanted him to. Fantasies are different from real life wants. I just wanted him to hear and not judge and be a safe person to tell. I did not know it was turning him on so much. I was really naive and far too trusting.

I wrote down what the ex T did, the list of abuse, and gave it to P last Friday as I left. On Monday I rang P and asked if he had read it and he said he had. But only once. He wanted to read it through again before we meet on Friday. I was so ashamed. I just apologised for it being so graphic and horrible, as I just listed the abuse one after the other.

P said that I have enormous courage, (it took so much courage both to write that, in December, and two months of agonizing before I could hand it over to P) and so I am aware that I am really wide open here but he will not judge me, just like you two have not judged me.

I am hoping he will have undestanding of how it happened and how it just re enacted the abuse of my father and grandfather all over again.

3/2/117:08 AM

yakusokuMember

((((((Sadly)))))))

From everything you've described about your P, I'm sure he will understand. He is right, you DO have enormous courage!!!

3/2/118:33 AM

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