This would not be so big a deal if he even worked with clients on Fridays, but he doesn't, except on very rare occasions (mostly with me, or an occasional prison visit). He works away from his home Monday-Thursday, goes home to his family Friday-Monday morning. Meeting with me means he is staying an extra night away from home. Skyping with me means less time with his wife (though sometimes he mentions she has gone out, so maybe she is still working or has other activities?). YES, I know it's his boundary, but it feels ridiculous. T said that it would be easier on his end to do Skype than meet in person, but if us meeting can help things get processed and increase safety and reduce crisis, he absolutely considers it worthwhile and does not feel burdened at all to do it. He has basically said, we can meet Monday and Wednesday, either Skype or meet Fridays, even Skype again on Saturday if needed. This is in addition to him trying to get me to break through my inability to call when things get bad, accepting all the texts, reading the journal entries.
I keep looking for institutional options (IOPs, groups, adjuncts, etc.), not because T doing more wouldn't help. It has helped tremendously every time...but, because it feels so dangerous. I don't know if it is concern over excessive dependency, a "don't keep all your eggs in one basket" issue, or even just that personal care is more frightening than professional detachment is painful.
T told me that it isn't permanent. It is just the more he can offer while it is needed, emphasized the complete lack of burden, feeling like God has always provided when he has been able to give extra. And, to be clear, sometimes he has not been able to for whatever reason. I told him that every time we escalate, it sounds like it is supposed to be temporary, but then it turns out permanent. I'm afraid it will be the same with this. That he and I won't be able to negotiate the withdrawal cleanly. Maybe I am worrying about all of this prematurely. We are SO far away from finishing. He feels fine about the level of care he is offering, but I can't help thinking that eventually he will think it was a mistake, come to regret it, and I can't relax if I am doing something to him that he might regret.
I told him all of this. I explained how every time we add something new, it becomes permanent. He said that's not true, that our third sessions have been intermittent. I said, "We started out every other week. After two sessions, you said we should do every week for a while. We began texting between sessions to check in, have more support. Then, it got hard to do one whole week, so we started doing phone calls on Fridays. Then, we extended the sessions from one hour to 1.5-2 hours. Then we moved from phone/Skype sessions Fridays to a second session in person on Wednesdays."
All the while, I was trying to give him this list, he was using the sock monkey and basically trying to calm me down and shut me up. He was (gently) trying to get me to stop listing the sheer number of escalations that became permanent. I can't tell if it was because T saw me getting worked up over it, sinking into self-loathing and he was trying to slow that down...or if I made him feel uncomfortable. Like, maybe he doesn't want to hear that he is doing too much. Then again, I can't tell if my wondering that is just about the fact that I FEEL like too much constantly, no matter how consistently accepting and encouraging he is.
These last few weeks, we have also been doing the Skype in addition to my two in-person sessions. It helps. It does. It makes things more manageable...without it, I probably would have been in the hospital the last couple of weeks. I could probably do pretty well with this level of care and just the friends I have at church, at least not be in crisis all the time, even if the SU/SI feelings don't go away entirely. And it's not like I'm not sacrificing anything to do it. I'm giving up days I could work, commuting an hour each direction for the Wednesday and Friday sessions, juggling my schedule a lot and relying on others for help (childcare) in a way I usually wouldn't to make it work with his availability.
I just keep going back and forth on what is right. And then...wait, is it even my job to watch out for what is right or is that his job? That's his job, right? And I trust him, so should I just trust his judgment? But, it feels like he is giving me a choice between stabbing him and shooting myself in the foot. And my automatic reaction is to shoot myself in the foot and then limp off and hide where no one can find me to help me. Like, literally, my response to being given the choice to have an extended Friday session to work through some of this crisis stuff was to say, "No, I don't need that. In fact, I don't need even a Skype. In fact, I don't need Wednesday either. Let's just cancel the rest of this week." I told T that it feels to parts of me as if he has just asked me to choose between invading him and sacrificing myself. He sweetly said it was no invasion, but even if that were the choice, he'd prefer I invade him, that I take advantage of what he has to offer. That he values my safety and well-being so much more than any minor inconvenience it might be.
We were talking about treatment options and how to know when escalations were "necessary" and even though we're no closer to figuring out how I can know how dangerous it is in advance, he reiterated how I should do anything rather than risk being unsafe. That it would be devastating. That it would ruin 20 lives. I joked that I didn't know if this was an exaggeration or an understatement. I said that it depends on what you mean by ruin, "Maybe five lives." He listed people like Boo, H, my parents, my siblings...and T himself. I said, "It wouldn't ruin your life." He said it would. It HURTS to feel like he cares too much. I feel like I've done something really bad. It's good that he cares, but it's terrible in some way I can't really express. It's terrible to be cared about like that.
I'm not even sure what I'm looking for here. I'm just really confused and stuck in the throws of this D attachment stuff. I simultaneously just want to let myself just rely on T, who has been so steady, able to repair mistakes and miscommunications, caring available...and to torpedo the whole relationship entirely. And I can't figure out if there is even a middle ground and if there is, if it is my job to find it or if I just trust the guy knows what he's doing and let him be in charge of his own boundaries instead of putting a fence around him.
Isn't this supposed to be getting better???
May I suggest using that extra session just to walk or just do something together? (I've listened to comedy on my iPod with my T for goodness sake LOL to just kind of 'be' with her to calm down at the end of session). You're feeling pressure and pain constantly sometimes a great place to find reprieve is WITH our Ts - remember slower is the fastest way. I've really learned to accept this but it's taken a lot of beating myself up for being 'lazy' 'not working hard enough' etc to get past the idea that I'll be rejected if I'm not doing what I consider to be working hard. My Ts are happy if I show up - I think yours will be too it sounds like that may be more of what you need if maybe going too fast is re-traumatizing. Just a thought not sure if it sticks or not. Glad you are feeling better and sorry it is such a battle to trust. 
