Establishing trust with a time limit

kashleyMember

Hi everyone,

I'm a new member to the site, and it has been so helpful to discover a place where I don't feel like all of my worries about therapy are entirely crazy! I do have a specific question though, and it is one I have been struggling with for a few weeks. I'm sorry this is long, but I tend to be a little verbose...

I am a student at a university, and last September, I went into the counseling center on campus on a whim. Long story short, I ended up with a great therapist. By the way, I have never done anything with therapy prior to this. Anyway, the catch about all of this is that I am limited to 10 sessions per academic year. I had my 10th session about 3 weeks ago. I started group therapy this semester, and it is incredibly hard for me. I had enough of an issue being open with my T in individual therapy, let alone being open with 6 other people and two group leaders. My last two sessions with my T overlapped with group therapy, and she "prepped" me for my sessions. She also told me that with the time limit, I really have to put myself out there so that the other group members and the group leaders can get to know me so that I can benefit from group. My last two sessions also involved pinpointing specific problems that I have so that I can tell the group that this is, specifically, what I hope to change. She wrote this down and told me that it would be a very good idea if I could try and say everything that was written on the paper. Needless to say, I nearly had a panic attack in her office, because the idea of being as open as she was describing was so intimidating and scary.

But that's not really my main issue with all of this. The big thing I'm having a hard time with is trying to convince myself that this is all worth it. There's a very small chance that I could maybe get a few more sessions with my T over the summer (since I'm staying up at school for summer classes) through a case extension, but they are rare, and I more than likely I can't, and that means that if I want to start up individual therapy again, I'd have to wait until September. Also, there are only 6 group therapy sessions left before the semester is over. I know that a lot can be accomplished in 6 sessions, but I have such a hard time thinking that it's worth making attachments and getting relief in ways I never have when it will all be over by May. Towards the end of my time in individual therapy, I was just starting to get a little more comfortable and disclosing more about things that I truly think. Not feel, though...not yet, considering emotional numbness is one of the things I'm trying to get rid of. Anyway, I was really starting to notice the benefits of my time in individual by the time I couldn't go anymore. I don't think it will get to quite the same level with group therapy, but I am extremely hesitant to open up very much, because I'm going to lose the support I feel in group therapy as well. I have never truly had support from someone else, so to get a taste of it and then go back to the way things were is scary and depressing. Of course, I know that things don't have to go back to the way they were, but my patterns of behavior have been so ingrained in me that I know that they won't be resolved come May.

I know I should continue with group therapy, and I will, but how can I let myself reap the benefits when I'm feeling such a strong urge to clam up as a mode of protection? Case in point, this past week I could have (and should have) talked about the nearly unbearable week spent with my narcissistic father and co-narcissistic mother, but it's such a private subject that would have pretty much forced me to establish more trust with the other group members. So I clammed up and glossed over the week when we went around the group for our weekly "check-ins," which are just brief blurbs regarding our week and a time where we can speak up and say that, later in the session, we want to talk about something that's bothering us. In individual therapy, even though I knew I only had 10 sessions, I would still feel strong urges to tell my T things, despite the risks. Yet, in group therapy, I only had the urge because of obligation, not because I really wanted to talk about it.

And the other thing I keep wondering about is if I should contact my T to try and get more sessions at all, since it will be the same cycle all over again.

Thanks for listening to my ramblings, everyone. :]

3/18/1011:36 AM

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lamplighterMember

Hello Kashley.

I’m sorry you’re in a situation where your time in therapy is so limited - that is really frustrating especially as it sounds like you were getting somewhere with your therapist. I just wondered if it were possible for you to arrange to keep seeing her outside of the university counselling service, whether you can afford to pay her yourself or find some kind of funding for it?

About group therapy - have to say from my experience of groups they tend to be pretty ‘superficial’ in that you don’t really get a chance to go very deep with your own stuff. I find them an amazing learning experience because of what other people reveal, but apart from everything else it can almost become a competition or a fight to get yourself the time and attention for your own issues. And if you’re feeling defensive about things you know you’d like to talk about, it’s a lot harder in a group to push yourself than with an individual therapist. Which is not to say that the group won’t be useful, just that it won’t give you the same experience as one-to-one therapy. I’d suggest you try to get as much as you can from attending the group, without expecting to be able to disclose until you feel comfortable about it. Groups are very supportive places it would be a shame if you got to feel too pressured to take advantage of that support.

It certainly sounds like you are wanting more than just the 10 sessions of therapy you’ve had, so it’s worth your while looking into ways of finding an individual therapist you can do long term therapy with.

Lamplighter

3/18/103:35 PM

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kashleyMember

Thank you for such kind responses and support...they mean so much! Dragonfly, just responding is incredibly helpful, more than you know. I've been driving myself crazy about this, so having someone just listen (or read) what I have to say about it is awesome in itself.

And Lamplighter, I'm already starting to get a feel for what you are saying about learning a lot about other people, but not getting too deep in personal problems. We've had 4 sessions so far, and I've talked (more than just a few opening words at least) in 2 of them. Whenever one of the group leaders hears some sort of characteristic within what I'm talking about, they then open it up and ask for group input. That's changing now...the group leaders are prompting less. Anyway, my point is that I'm finding that one aspect of things are talked about, but a frustrating amount of other stuff is left untouched. I know that the main dynamic of group therapy is to find relations among each other, and I have no problem with that, but I can see the hindrance it poses in really going in depth into my own issues. Of course, I expected this to some extent, so I guess everything I just wrote is redundant. Go figure.

I have a big problem asking for help and being reliant or dependent upon someone. For anything, really. I guess I also have some fear that by showing a dependency upon my T, I'll be admitting a huge weakness on my part, and I will be judged negatively for it. I know this is irrational, but my mind can harp at my heart for years, and I will still have irrational fears. Anyway, I know that there is absolutely no way I can ever convince myself to contact my T before the end of the semester. She mentioned that not having individual therapy as an outlet will help push me to speak in group, which makes sense, so I'm going to stick out the semester. I am wanting more than 10 sessions, but I'm too scared to find out if that's possible. I hadn't realized until recently, but I have never, ever asked someone for something that I felt I needed unless it was convenient for them or if it was a very small favor. In many past experiences, inconveniences were an almost sure-fire way for me to be disappointed, ashamed, and abandoned.

I will try to not pressure myself too much, because the pressure I put on myself this past week, only to fail to say anything, made me so frustrated. I have to try and stay realistic about all of this.

3/18/105:24 PM

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True NorthCo-moderator

Hi Kashley, it's nice to meet you. Welcome to the Board.

I, myself, have never been to group therapy and I think I would find it really hard to be open in front of a group about my issues. I am fortunate in that I have weekly sessions with my T. That said, I'm not sure what issues you need to address in therapy or what type of background you come from. You mention narcissistic parents. In my experience, the most important thing in advancing my therapy was first establishing a safe environment with my T. No work can get done unless I am assured of my safety in confiding in him and in our environment. We have addressed these things over and over again. I have tested him many times to see if he is safe or judging me or to see how he reacts to what I tell him about myself. If you have any kind of abuse or trauma in your background it takes a long time to establish this trust and safety in the relationship. BTW, I am seeing my T weekly for two years and I am still testing him.

The other thing is... you can only go as fast as you can go in therapy. It's not a linear process and you will revisit things over and over again in different ways, perhaps, but sometimes it's one step forward and two steps back. If a person is dealing with childhood traumas it can even be detrimental in trying to rush ahead and address things before you are ready as you may be unable to tolerate the affects produced by reliving the past and could re-traumatize yourself. You need to have confidence in your T to help you contain and process the emotions that come from re-living what happened in the past.

I would have to say that it may not be a good idea to "force" yourself to reveal things in group that you are not ready for. I would think the ideal situation would be to find out if you can see your T outside of the school system. Or if that fails, then perhaps you could find a T who could take you on as a regular patient. I find that spacing out appointments too far, especially in the beginning of therapy, can make it hard to have continuity and to establish the "ryhthmn" of therapy. I know it's hard to ask for things, especially if you are not used to doing it but it would be helpful to ask to work out a better arrangement with your Uni T. Good luck and please keep posting and let us know how you are doing through this process.

TN

3/18/106:34 PM

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strummergirlMember

Hi Kashley...I don't have anything to add to all the great responses you've already received...I've never been to group therapy...but I did want to say welcome to the board! I'm glad you're here and I look forward to getting to know you better.

3/19/107:19 AM

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starfishMember

Kashley
Welcome from me too

I've never been to group therapy and don't feel I would ever be brave enough to, so well done you.
Look forward to hearing more from you,
starfish

3/19/109:24 AM

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Attachment GirlAdmin

Hi Kashley,
Welcome to the forums! I have gone to group therapy and it was actually a breakthrough experience for me. I do agree with Lamplighter that they're a little more rough and tumble than individual therapy but in that sense they're more realistic. Instead of being concentrated on your needs, you have to compete and consider other people; much closer to what most of our relationships are. But that makes it a good learning experience because the facilitators are there to provide safety.

At the time I went to group therapy, I was able to experience hurt about my issues but I couldn't go near my anger, and would have insisted that there wasn't any. There was a woman in the group who was ALWAYS angry, and obviously experiencing a lot of pain but was incapable of being aware of it, let alone acknowledging it, even when confronted (gently) by others in the group. She provided me with an emotional mirror. Being able to see her denial of pain allowed me to see my denial of my anger. But I was also seeing my therapist (who was one of the facilitators) individually while going to group and it helped.

As far as opening up, it's amazing what you can do in even a short time so I would urge you to open up as much as you can bear, while keeping in mind that you also need to care for yourself and that means it's ok to decide you'll only go so far.

AG

3/19/103:56 PM

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kashleyMember

quote:
Originally posted by True North:
I find that spacing out appointments too far, especially in the beginning of therapy, can make it hard to have continuity and to establish the "ryhthmn" of therapy.
TN

This was definitely something I struggled with when I first started with my T...well, actually the whole time, since I almost always had bi-weekly appointments to space them out. It took a lot longer to feel even the beginnings of a connection.

I have my next group therapy session on Tuesday... my mind gets fuzzy even when I start to think about it. Like static snow on a TV, where you hear and see little blurbs of people on the screen, but it's crackly and incoherent. I think my brain missed the memo about rabbit ears being obsolete. Sigh.

I can't express how much I appreciate such a warm welcome. You all are too kind.

3/19/106:38 PM

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kashleyMember

Hello, all!

Here's a quick update...I had group therapy earlier today, and it was definitely productive for me. The relationship with my parents was brought up briefly, and one of the group leaders said that it sounds like an oppressive environment (even though I'm in college and don't see them often), and the other group leader asked if I'd ever confront my parents and be brutally honest about how their selfish behavior affects me. My immediate expression of horror was enough of an answer!

Very briefly, the issue I have with low self-worth was brought up when we were talking about people being interested in others, in the sense that they want to get to know them on a more intimate level. I have gathered from listening to the others that I am (literally) the only one without a single person I can honestly confide in, even a little bit. People were commenting on how they'd go to that person in their lives, and I sat there, silently begging the group leaders not to ask for my input. Thankfully, they didn't. Maybe my face gave away more than I thought.

The main thing that I'm pleased with regarding this session is that I was able to tell the group that I have an enormous amount of trouble just beginning to talk. I described it like jumping off of a cliff. It's the most accurate metaphor I can give the feeling. Anyway, I think that talking about that was good, because it lets the group and the group leaders know that I'm going to need to be prompted for my input a little more.

Nonetheless, I still wish that I had the opportunity for individual therapy, too. I have so many thoughts rattling around in my head, and I know that not even a quarter of them will ever be addressed in group. It's frustrating!

3/23/108:06 PM

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kashleyMember

Thank you so much for the encouraging words, Dragonfly. It means so much.

My situation isn't that of a trauma or anything, but it's more like I'm trying to get rid of all of the walls that I've built up for so long due to my parents. In a way, I'm finding that much of my time with my parents may have involved significant emotional neglect, but it's the neglect itself that has kept me from recognizing it for what it is! Go figure.

Anyway, I write all of that to say that I can recognize what you are saying, Dragonfly, about wanting your friends to be able to act the same around you. Though our situations are different (I have gathered), I don't want others to view me differently if they were to find out all that goes on below the surface. I tend to be the light-hearted, easy-going people pleaser, and it's been a way for me to avoid going deeper with others. Also in a similar way, I don't really want to show the other side of me, because I don't want others to bear the responsibility of dealing with me when I come to them with my problems. It's messed up, but I can't help it. Right now.

In my last session with my individual T, I don't remember what exactly I said, but she responded to whatever it was by saying that the reason I feel like all of this is pointless for me (because I can't imagine myself ever changing) by saying that I've never had anyone fight to get to know me like she had, which is true. Anyone and everyone I've ever been friends with, even very good friends, has up and left. I ride horses, and a couple years ago, my horse trainer of 12 years chewed me out for what I wasn't doing right and bad-mouthed me to other clients. I told her (very politely..probably too much so) that I wouldn't be training with her anymore, and that was that. I haven't heard from her since. It's just been story after story like that..

Anyway, now that I'm starting to understand why I have so much trouble opening up, it pleases me even more that I was able to express the difficulty I have talking about myself with others, because I think that, for a while at least, I'm going to need to be around people that will fight to get to know me. And to answer your question, Dragonfly, I don't think many of my thoughts will be addressed, just because some of the time limit. Sometimes I try to think about what I want to be addressed the most so that I can try and get as much as I can in such a limited time frame.

Yikes, sorry about the second edition of my novel there! I seem to be unable to write a concise response.

3/25/109:04 AM

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