Path We Walk,
I don't think your dream was really about sex.
I think the sex probably represented a desire to get closer to your therapist. From my blog on Erotic Transference:
quote:
One very common reason for sexual feelings for a therapist is actually rooted in our childhood needs. Psychology sometimes refers to the “golden dream.” All human beings had the experience in the womb of being in a safe place, cared for, where all your needs were met and there was no separation between you and your mother; at that point in our development, we are not yet capable of even conceiving that we are a separate being. Then we’re born. No one really knows what a baby is feeling, but when we carry unfulfilled longings and needs from childhood, part of what we long for is to return to that time of perfect safety, where our needs were met without speaking them and there were no boundaries. Part of the maturation process for human beings is the realization that we are a separate person, with our own feelings and needs which are distinct from another person’s. But it is in a romantic/sexual relationship where an adult normally lowers their boundaries the most. Ideally, we allow a lover to see us clearly, both emotionally and physically. In the act of making love, we seek as much contact between us as is possible. The Bible actually refers to the sexual union within marriage as the two becoming one flesh. So when we enter therapy and those long dormant childhood needs and longings are stirred and awakened, we struggle to “fit” them somewhere. And the channel in which they flow most smoothly is in our sexual feelings. In other words, we are experiencing really intense, primitive longings from childhood and the closest thing we have to that as an adult is our sexual/romantic feelings. So we experience strong sexual feelings that ultimately, are really about what we wanted as children and didn’t get. It is this dynamic that is at the root of a client with a life-long heterosexual orientation to feel sexual attraction to a same gender therapist or a client with a homosexual orientation to feel attracted to an opposite gender therapist.
So I am wondering if maybe the sex was actually about wanting to allow more emotional intimacy with your T. This makes even more sense to me given that he refused to acknowledge you after the sex, since most of us deal with a deep fear that if we allow someone in, to truly see us, then they will leave us or abandon us.
So I think the dream may represent both your desire to move closer and your fear of doing so only to be hurt and rejected. Sex is just a powerful channel in which to direct these feelings.
I know (please trust me I know) that this will be an unwelcome suggestion, but if you can bring yourself to do so, I would talk to your therapist about it. I think he can handle it and I think you would be a lot more comfortable if you explore the dream with his help and realize that its not really about sex, its about healthy unfulfilled dreams and longings.
Sorry though, I know the squirm factor is through the roof.
It was very brave of you to post about this here.
AG
PS Forgot to say, yes, I've been there.
