Tas,

Yes, of course he can't accept it but why would he even be pleased to accept it when you have just fired him.

He acted in a very proper and ethical way and proves once again what a fantastic therapist he is.

I don't think about ethical boundaries very much as I am too busy in therapy working on the relationship with my T to help me heal.

Somedays.

You did not break any rules, TAS. It was fine of you to offer him a gift, he just couldn't accept it due to the ethical rules of his profession. They are not supposed to accept gifts in general except in rare cases if they are small and have no cash value. If you didn't know that, nobody's holding your nice gesture against you.

Somedays,

Thank you for your reply. I truly did not see it as firing him...as it was firing myself due to my incompetence...and certainly not his. I even said to him in the letter that I was going to rescue him from having to deal with me because I have such negative feelings towards him.

He has been firm, consistent and done nothing for me to ever say he was not a good therapist.

I have a lot of negativity and I understand that he is not responsible for that...I AM. It doesn't make the struggle any less real and nor does it make the feelings any less real.

I have literally dragged myself into therapy because I know I need to be there...when the Therapist or how you view the Therapist is wrapped in your view of the world, shaped by a very traumatic childhood, you know it's not the Therapist. That is what makes it worse because all the negative feelings have nothing to do with him. I know that and yet I can't distinguish him any differently from those from my past.

So, do you keep going or do you say, you know what, he doesn't deserve to be seen in this light...and this is the way I view him. It's not fair to him. That is why I stopped going. I could not stop the negative transference. I tried. I truly did.

"...in therapy working on the relationship with my T to help me heal." I am glad that you are doing well.

AG: Thank you for your reply. I understand that boundaries are important and are needful. I just hate it when I bump into something that I didn't believe would be even an issue. I did it as a sincere gesture, but in light of your explanation, I understand why he could not or chose not to. It makes sense. Thank you.

BLT: Thank you. Maybe I should send the Gift Card to you

quote:

He's a good T TAS, but you just may not be ready to engage in therapy right now. And that's ok.

- I agree with AG. I bet he would be waiting in the wings whenever you are ready. I wish you the best with everything TAS. I really hope you can work it all out somehow. I have read about how much you have struggled. I know you've had an incredibly hard time trying to work past the negative transference.

Thank you Kmay! He did tell me, "If you should decide to return, I am here."

I was firm in my decision yesterday. Felt it was what I needed to do for this time...

So, I went to bed for the night...had a dream that I was in a wide space and I could see lions coming toward me...I yelled the Therapists name, and said, "HELP ME."

The lion that came toward or at me was really old and you could tell he had been around for a long time...I was trying to fight him...and the Therapist was in another room fighting the other lion...and I heard the Therapist say, "It's almost over."

The impression I had was that he was speaking of the negative transference, as well as the difficulties I have been having on some other fronts.

Can they just stay out of our dreams? :/

I think not accepting the gift card is your T's own personal ethics/boundaries. My T has told me exactly which expert's guide to boundaries she uses around gifts and your gift isn't "unethical" to the entire psychotherapy universe it's just... not ethical to him given the policies he takes to... like what AG is saying. There is fluidity to boundaries with gifts as with many things. It just wasn't the right circumstance.

It must be very hard to feel that the gesture means nothing if the gift is not accepted.

The only weird boundary I have bumped with my T was offering to lend her a book or CD or something. She doesn't do that - she will lend hers but not borrow. Another boundary I hit sometimes is being worried about something about her. This has changed a tiny bit though.

I haven't really bumped in to any with T2 that I can think of aside from some content I brought up in an email. And that sucked, a lot.

I feel awkward when I hit them but.. oh well. With gifts I ONLY bring one in if I'm completely okay with a no. I give my Ts gifts that from a physical cost perspective are pretty cheap, but have value beyond their material cost (at least in their opinion). One of my Ts and her H went to an event I participated in and I wanted to give them something from there but my T said since she told me that they liked it that it would be unethical if I gave it to her (I asked). I know T1 really believes that giving AND receiving gifts is a very valuable experience in therapy.

So the ones I have hit, I've been a little like... oh ... but not totally shocked. Compared to a lot of Ts (insofar as I've heard about other's T's) mine don't have a ton of the "traditional" psychoanalytic type boundaries working with me. They may with other clients, they may have even more open boundaries with other clients than with me also.

Anyway, I think lots of people hit boundaries with their Ts and I think... sometimes it is a shocker. I was the queen of negative transference for a very long time w/ one of my Ts the first time I gave her a gift... after 2 years of seeing her she told me in a very sweet self-disclosure (though she'd deny it) that she'd always secretly wanted this thing I gave her.

Good luck to you.

((((TAS))))

I really feel for you on this, and can fully see why it would upset you somewhat. I appreciate the other responses you've had but from a personal point of view they do disappoint me slightly in that there seems to be little room for manouver where ethical boundaries are concerned.

In my view, a therapist will of course have congruent interpersonal boundaries, but that a well balanced therapist will allow boundary crossing or have 'flexible' boundaries; but ONLY after careful and considered thought as to the benefits or otherwise. Maybe your T; who seems to have been a very good one, did just that, and decided in this instance that his no gifts boundary wasn't to be crossed for whatever reason, and that's fair enough. But if he didn't, and just applied the boundary rule regardless, then I'd be a bit miffed.

FWIW, my T does accept small gifts from me and I'm sure she has given a lot of thought to this before allowing this boundary to be crossed occasionally.

I think your gesture was very kind and sincere and you've a right to be rather taken aback by his response.

AV.

quote:

I think your gesture was very kind and sincere and you've a right to be rather taken aback by his response.

I agree. In fact, to me it seems silly and a bit tasteless of him to have refused the gift card. Er, hope my response is not feeding your negative transference too much. . .

Sorry you've felt you need to quit therapy. Maybe it isn't the end finally, but just giving yourself some space to clarify what you are seeking and if you are ready? Hope things go okay for you. Keep us posted!

I think this is a good decision for you, TAS..but I hope you won't write off therapy for good. And I also hope you can trust that your T really did appreciate the gesture even though he didn't feel it was appropriate to accept it. The gesture DOES mean something even though he didn't accept it.

Hi Tas,

Apologies for jumping in when you don't know me - I used to be a regular poster but now just come in occasionally to see how folks are doing and say something if it sticks out to me.

This post caught my eye, so I hope it's okay to offer 2c. I was wondering if your T keeping firm boundaries on this might be a way of him making sure you know that the therapy relationship is there as therapy, and that it won't be converted into something else? With friends we have all kinds of ways of making them and us feel better, and at times we need our friends, others they need us... but with therapy it's just you going for you because you want to face the lions. Maybe if he accepted your gift it would have kind of 'released' you from therapy by converting the relationship, allowing you to finish with a friendly gesture to him, instead of finishing by facing your lions....

For what it's worth.

Jones,
Nice to meet you!

I have to tell you, your reply struck a chord within me. I will definitely be thinking about what you said.

Thank you.
T.