(((River))) Any way you can change the situation at work or no?

I get angry/frustrated at work all the time. I've learned to be pretty shameless about the way I speak. If I don't agree with something, don't like something, want ideas, what to talk about changing something, need something I'm not getting... I'll just say it. I've only learned how to do that because I do consulting (aka I get paid to give my "educated" (lol) opinion).

I'm sorry it's hard I know in some positions at work it is harder than others if you don't feel you have a voice, for example. The job I do is at a level where composure is part of what I'm paid for. I have to be positive and encouraging, coolheaded, and understanding even when someone is in my face screaming. I also have the responsibility that in my work if they do that to me there are some advanced positions I can suggest them out of, have them written up, and in some cases terminated. Power = responsibility & fairness & not taking it personal = REPRESSED RAGE.

Aside from my negative coping behaviors (self destructive stuff). I vent to a friend (write or talk), vent on my Ts voicemail, vent to my cats at home. I also distract myself. Mostly though - I WALK. Any sort of movement helps. Even at my desk I will sigh (or sometimes concentrate on my breathing or noticing things in my cube to ground myself) and then fiddle with one of the 100 toys I have in my office then... save it for later.

I do something I learned in DBT which is acceptance without approval. I say to myself... okay... I've got no choice on how this is (or if I do I figure out what I can say, and if it doesn't work... well back to square 1 again). So that is part 1, accepting that whatever happened, happened and it is how it is. The next part is that I DON'T APPROVE, which means I give myself every right on earth to be pissed off - even if I can't do anything to fight it then, or ever. So... I schedule a time for myself to be pissed. Sometimes that helps calm my feelings because I say "I hear you, and we're going to go BERZERK when we get home".

It's so hard... I'm probably not helping. There are tons of times I just brood all day and barely make it through then just go home and cry and be bitter for a week and get angry on the way to work every day dreading it... until it goes away. I have sort of a separate "persona" I send to work - that helps a lot. Corporate Cat is not nearly as cool as me. Oh, another thing you can do is sort of imagine something nice... like a vacation or do something kind - usually when I'm pissed off is when I'll call to check in on one of my clients, or send someone an acknowledgement of their time, or see if someone recently got a promotion that I know and congratulate them. That picks up my mood until and even sometimes move the anger along.

I think I saw you say on another thread (SO sorry if this wasn't you) that it's scary to start topics so I hope I haven't overwhelmed you with my paragraphs and paragraphs of response! I'm glad you started this thread. Anger is SO HARD to master when you can't get it out right then.

Good question River.

That kind of anger is hopeless anger when you cant get rid of it. It does tend to pile up onto the repressed stuff and that can compounds things a little.

The overload of repressed anger wants to vent when it reaches a critical level.

I tried not to be in situations where I could be triggered. The more passive aggressive someone was the angrier I got( a Ma thing).

It is still a rejection though, no matter if you were in the right or wrong. It bloody well hurts when someone wants to undermine us.

Trusted work colleagues heard me vent plenty of times, but it still played on my mind until I felt T's 100% ears on the matter.

What I think helped me the most was getting rid of more repressed stuff. The load becomes lighter then, and there is less reaction to rejection. You wont be able to feel that happen until the overload is much lighter.

** Think of repressed anger as a full belly of food that you need to vomit up. We dont want to vomit, but we need to. It doesn't come up all at once usually. In between vomits we feel a little more relieved, until it is all out.**

More food ( anger) is then tolerated by stomach ( brain). There is less nausea (fear) of vomiting (anger) then.

When repressed anger is vented more suppressed (today anger) can be tolerated.

We cant tell stomach when to vomit, nor can we tell brain when to vent.

I am going to write more on this when brain can formulate it for me.

Hi River,
I swim to release built up body energy...anger, anxiety, the energy is diffused. I call swimming laps anxiety dumping.
I hope that helps.

Thank you all for the replies. I will read them more closely later when I have more time. So now it is the next morning and I am still angry. Hitting pillows didn't help. It also doesnt help that I have a houseguest for a week so it is almost impossible to get any alone time. I have to go back to work in a few minutes and I won't be able to read your replies again until tonight. I am a secretary so I have no power, no control, and very little respect despite my excellent performance record. It is a "shut up and do what you are told" environment even though everyone, including all levels of management swear that it isn't that way. We have had entire day long retreats about how we are so collaborative and respect everyone's viewpoint and contribution. The bullshit is about 6 feet think and I have to go wade through it again with a smile on my face but anger in my heart. Thank you so much for listening!

To be that angry, it's normally triggered something in me. Try journaling about it

RT, that is an excellent example of elegant anger; we can stand back and see the big picture, remain detached from our anger, and make the right decisions. We are not so triggered by rejection because there is no emotional dependence involved in that scenario.

However, in Rivers case she is dependent on a $ income that demands she suppress her anger. Continual provocation/triggering of anger by rejection results in suppressed anger on top of the repressed anger/rage already present. It can be a very stressful job when suppressed anger is continually being 'swallowed.'

And when repressed anger is so close to the surface in therapy, more suppressed anger added to it will cause a critical level of anger in store. Brain will need to vent some of it, any way she can. It's like eating when ones stomach is already full. Somethings got to give.

River, I dont think there is an easy answer to your problem, other than being aware of whet is happening to you in relation to your anger.

We do need a certain amount of triggering/rejection to access our repressed rage so it can be vented though. If you have access to your T per phone (after work) it might help to vent some of it in that way. Other than that and cutting the workload down a bit I dont see there is way out. Can you?

"We are not so triggered by rejection because there is no emotional dependence involved."

That about sums up our feelings after all repressed anger has been vented. The brain (stomach) is empty of it. THAT is emotional peace/freedom.

((river))
i dont have anything useful to say except that i totally empathize! i'm sorry that your job makes you feel that you have no power and maybe you have more power than you realise.

i have tried the punching pillows, doing something physical, loud music etc..... and it seems to only work sometimes (not very often), when the anger doesn't feel as 'stuck' and it is more loose somehow, or maybe i'm less scared of it and that's why it feels like that.

can i ask you if you're afraid of your anger? does it feel fake when you've tired the punching pillows etc, or do you really get into it and dont care anymore if you're going to break something or hurt yourself? (not sure if this is good or not but i mean not trying to control it anymore)

so no help i'm afraid... but a fellow sufferer who understands...

puppet

quote:

There are tons of times I just brood all day and barely make it through then just go home and cry and be bitter for a week and get angry on the way to work every day dreading it... until it goes away.

Yep that is me

quote:

** Think of repressed anger as a full belly of food that you need to vomit up. We dont want to vomit, but we need to. It doesn't come up all at once usually. In between vomits we feel a little more relieved, until it is all out.**

More food ( anger) is then tolerated by stomach ( brain). There is less nausea (fear) of vomiting (anger) then.

I can actually feel the pre-vomit anxiety and how hard I usually try to keep it from happening. Fantastic analogy!