Butterfly,
What a horrible place to be in feeling like you can't trust anyone. It really does sound like you're being treated unfairly. From what I know of you here, you are not a person who deserves to be treated that way. I hope you can take in what your friend told you about it not being your fault.

We do sometimes end up in the same situations because we get drawn towards the same kind of people from our past. Our experiences set up an unconscious relationship template and we, again unconsciously, look for people who fit that. When you've had healthy relationships and been well cared for, it's a wonderful effect. Not so good for those of us not taken care of or abused by our caretakers when young. They have done studies on people with long term trauma that given choices they will take the more familiar even if it's more painful because the more painful you at least already know how to do. Part of what we strive to heal in therapy is to become consciousofthese patterns and change them. You were working on doing that and got cut off through no fault of yours. This isn't about who you are but about how you were treated.

(((Butterfly)))

AG

Butterfly,

I'm so sorry. I wanted to echo what AG said in her post about the reasons and origins for these things happening more than once. I am really sorry that you are going through this. I'm glad that you had another person to tell you that it wasn't you, but the others, but I know it still makes it hard to swallow. (((hugs)))

There is nothing wrong with you, flutterby- the reality is that the world is full of people who have never taken a close look at themselves and who find it easier to go poking around trying to find out if someone else has a problem besides them, so that they can feel good about themselves at another's expense. try, not to let it distract you. I know it is so hurtful and so difficult to endure that kind of thing. I like what AG said. It's not your fault.

(((((flutterby)))) you do not seem like an easy target to me at all- just a person who is working on her stuff and trying to find her way honestly reaching out for connection under difficult circumstances. I'm sorry that people who do not understand this tend to make it more difficult instead of easier. you do not deserve that.

hugs,

BB

I want to agree with everyone else here. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. It angers me for you to be treated a way that hurts you so much. You are so kind and don't deserve it. I'm glad you did have someone there who could objectively remind you that it wasn't your problem, but these "friends." (((((Butterfly)))))

quote:

I have just spoken to someone (who knows all people involved) who has tried to convince me there is nothing wrong with me, that it is the others who have the problem but how can I believe that when it seems to keep happening.

I know it's hard for you to see that it's the other person when it seems to keep happening to you, but what AG says is true. We can be in patterns where we are attracted to the same kind of person and if these are the kind of people who hurt, abuse, and abandon then we are hurt over and over again and we tend to look inwards, into ourselves to place the blame. We MUST be doing something to deserve such treatment. There is something called repition compulsion that many with trauma seems to do. We repeat the relationships of the past (with similar people) with the unconscious desire to somehow change the ending, make it better and different than the endings of the past.

I am working hard in my therapy to recognize and identifiy (and hopefully avoid) these kinds of hurtful relationships.

I'm so sorry you are hurting over this. You are a kind and sweet person and I hope that you will find some good friends who treat you in the kind way you deserve.

Hugs
TN

((((Butterfly)))) I'm sorry that you're being treated so badly. You've already received many great responses and I agree with all of them. FWIW I've also seen patterns like this in my life, where in certain situations it seems like people always turn against me...and I even saw it yet again with a couple of T's...and in my own work I'm coming to see how the "unconscious relationship template" for unhealthy relationships that AG described probably plays a huge part in how I've stayed in and tried to make those relationships work. But it's taken a long time for me to even see the possibility of that, because those messages of "it must be me" are SO strong. I think you are right, there probably IS a pattern that involves you, just like there is probably one that involves me...but I think it has a whole lot more to do with those unconscious patterns affecting our choices in the first place, than with what we are doing in the relationships themselves. I hope that makes some sense...please go easy on yourself...keep talking to us...and hang in there, ok?

Hugs,
SG

Butterfly,

I have been in a very similar position and understand how confusing it all is. I agree with what everyone already said above. But just wanted to give you the validation that it's not you, it's them. Oftentimes mean people don't recognize how they treat others. And, you and I are probably drawn to those same people and repeat the pattern over and over again.

((((HUGS))))

Liese

Butterfly, I am so, so sorry about how horrible your friends have been to you. I am glad you have come here to post about it. I don't know the situation, but no matter what, you don't deserved to be treated this way. There's nothing you've done to deserve this. The only other thing I can say is that our patterns can and do work in odd ways sometimes. I'm sorry for all of the pain you are in. ((((((Butterfly))))))

I'm sorry if it sounded like I didn't take on board what many of you said about repeated patterns in relationships. I do understand, my sanity just can't afford to keep being let down whether it is my fault or not. I either need to grow a thicker skin or stop trusting people.

Thank you AG, Draggers, strm, BB, yaku, TN, SG, Liese and Kashely. Your support and kindness has been really comforting!

Butterfly

I was wondering if it feels like if it's your patterns than it is *still* your fault, and that hurts? I'm also really wondering what happened, and if you feel up to posting about it in more detail, I would read it, but- no pressure, either. But it's not your fault, Butterfly. People can be such jerks, I am sorry- but they just can. It's like they can zero in on a person who is feeling vulnerable and say just the right things to hurt and bring them down, and then walk away feeling smug, superior and terrific about themselves while you are left gasping for breath. It's totally true that this happens, and it's totally true that you are not to blame. I'll tell you a story. I was a part of a group, before my depression got really bad. It was a "Christian" group. I was quitting the group because of my depression and inability to handle it anymore, and they decided to give my H and I a "going away party." So I went there, in fear and trembling, my confidence at rock bottom. Guess hwat happened? My boy came up with cookie crumbs on his face, and I was scared that he got something he shouldn't eat, so I asked him if it was his own cookie (tho ones I brouhght for him, allergy free) He siad it was his cookie. I collaspsed back on the chair I was in in relief. The mom that I had just been trying to talk to, then made a sneering comment to me: "How can you just let him walk away, without even cleaning his face- what is your problem?" It tapped right into my "I'm a terrible mom and I deserve to die" thing. Oh I can't explain it, but it was brutal at that moment. Do you think that situation was my fault for not being confident enough, or whatever? No- she was just being a jerk and a bully, bringing someone down who was already down. It sounds like that's what happened to you too, and it is totally unfair.


hugs,

BB

Thank you for sticking by me Beebs.

Butterfly

Butterfly - What if you just PMed someone who you think might be able to offer some clarity and you feel absolutely safe sharing with? Then, maybe you could process the situation a bit without the anxiety of having it exposed on the OF.

Thanks Yaku..I was just feeling really insecure but thanks for the suggestion.

Butterfly

yarg...sorry you are feeling insecure. That really is no fun. ((((((flutterby)))))

keep fluttering! soon your wings will dry off and you'll take flight!

all right page two. that's it... you wanna step outside? ... (removes jacket, rolls up sleeves)

Oh dear BB, I'm sorry page 2 is haunting you hehe. I hope you won.

I am also sorry for deleting my earlier post to you...I don't deserve your support. I am not sure butterfly is an appropriate name for me at the moment as they represent freedom and joy and I am most defintely not feeling it or bringing that here. Maybe I'll change my name.

Thanks again dear BB.

Flutterby

It's ok, Butterfly! Don't worry about it. I was not offended! I'm sorry I missed what was said, though.

I think Butterfly is a beautiful name for you. Please don't change it? I haven't been keeping up very well on here lately. I'm sorry about that...

How are ya doing today?

BB

You have nothing to apologize for BB...it was my paranoia not your lack of response that made me delete. I shouldn't have posted on OF.
Thanks for asking how I am...I am gritting my teeth and getting on with it and being careful who I talk to because I don't know what else to do.

Hope you are doing ok.

Hugs
Butterfly

I am hanging on. It is really hard to have that sense of nowhere to turn with it all, it is a very frightening and alone feeling, as you know. I wish you had good T to talk to in this interim time until you find out if you can go back. Sometimes it just helps to have a person to offload to, even if it isn't *your* T...

how are you feeling today about it all?

Yes I do know how frightening it is to have nowhere to turn and I am sorry you are feeling this way. ((((((((BB))))))))

I wish I had a good T to talk to too...I could really use one at the moment ...oh well. Am still feeling crappy about it all and it is still ongoing. I am trying really hard not to let it get to me and keep my head up but I think I am pushing people away who are my friends at work cos I just don't trust anyone.

Thank you for being there BB.

Butterfly

I'm sorry that you feel like you are pushing people away, Butterfly, but it is completely understandable. I am also sorry you don't have a T to talk to right now. I am glad you are posting here, I'm sorry I haven't posted more. Hang in there, although I know that's easy to say but very hard to do sometimes. ((((((((Butterfly))))))))

It takes time to heal from these kind of things, butterfly. Give yourself some time, and you will be able to go around a bit better in time.
Sometimes all it takes is just one good friend, not a lot of friends. Do you have anybody like that that you can trust or talk to?

((((flutterby))))

Thank you for your understanding Kashley. There is no need to be sorry for not posting more, we all have our own stuff to deal with and your support already has meant alot to me...plus I haven't been around or in the right place to offer others much.

Thanks BB, I did have someone to talk to but she is so busy at the moment. I will be ok...this is all just another learning curve that I will get through.

Thank you both for my hugs.

Butterfly