(((Cat)))) I've experienced that level of fear when moving towards my therapist. The truth is that you are doing something that was VERY dangerous to do as a child based on what you're saying. So I don't care how clearly you hang on to the face that you KNOW you're safe; your visceral "gut" reaction is that you're taking a huge risk and it's just scary. But this is exactly how you heal, by walking into the fear and having a different experience. Then rinse and repeat more times than you'd like to think about and it won't be scary anymore.

Just keep consciously slowing down and deepening your breath, it will help signal to your limbic system that there is no danger. I hope it's a really good session and that you feel much better at the end.

One more thing, yes the fear is still high, but it's this high standing much closer than you used to be able to stand.

AG

So sorry you are struggling with this, Cat. I hope you can reach a more regulated state, on your own or with T, and are able to do the project you had planned on.

Post later and let us know how the session today goes?

Will be thinking of you.
Hugs again,
Heldincompassion

((AG)) I know it is the right brain/left brain stuff. Someday... you know... my right brain is going to learn whose in charge (and it's not him!). Thank you for your wonderful support And thank you for the reminder about the breathing I always forget that there is a body involved in all this stuff too and it's good to calm, center...

((BG))

((HIC)) Thanks for the hugs! I did manage to get comfortably regulated with T and we were able to do what we had planned.

Update from later today:

Meeting with T today was good and also stressful in a couple of ways. She's leaving for a short vacation (me too) so it was nice to chill. We had a lot of fun, I like interacting with my T like this because it's neat to see a silly side of her. I was able to talk a bit about being scared, a bit about stuff I had been worried about regarding 'not doing therapy right' (my usual gripe).

Setting everything up helped. Then to just say I think I'm freaked out about this because ________. Made it a lot better. T said 'makes sense... what happened with the feeling after that?' 'Well I had to work so it went away and picked up a little now' and she said 'okay, just sit with it' (notice, reflect, etc not "shut up, Cat!")... and then we just carried on like normal. And as we went my anxiety calmed, there were a few minor points in conversation I dissociated but my anxiety was on a steady declined and I ended session on a very relaxed note with her.


A lot of this work with the art (coloring, painting, etc) is all right brain to right brain stuff I think. I tend to begin free associating sort of just letting what comes up comes up unfiltered (not emotional but I just talk with the freedom of a child in many ways) and I think that is the whole point of these exercises we're doing - and it's just fun and good bonding too. So I hope it truly does impress a message on me that... I can be myself, I can do things I like with others, I can give/receive joy with/from others, I can relax and let my guard down and it will be okay. I might need to invest in a set of painting supplies at my T's place, since I know I may not listen the first 1000 or 2000 times... it is the hardest work in the world changing that darned untamed emotional wilderness when it won't listen to reason.

Weird side note but T had recommended a Dr earlier this week (to see soon for a physical issue) that I just found out today she sees too so, hopefully I'd never chance to meet her there, but it made me feel super confident about her recommending this doctor. T doesn't NOT mess around w/ her self care.

So, yay! Thanks ladies for your support, it helps to have people listening. Now to not get intensely triggered... it felt good, we connected, I felt close... sounds like a recipe for trigger soup BUT documenting... how it was (both here and to myself) will help me stay grounded in what a positive, SAFE (you hearing that right brain???), experience I had with her... that isn't going to change, and she's not going to change... and I might, but even if I do she'll be the same and the experience will have been the same, too!

Cat, glad your session went well today and you were able to talk through the anxiety and just experience being with your T. Sorry about the vacations, though. I hope you're able to get through it well with your other T and us here and writing and art and whatever other expression helps to pass the break without very much anxiety.

((yaku)) thank you my dear

Hi Catalyst,

It was really good to read your update. I'm so glad your session went well and that you were able to have a connecting, positive experience with your T before her vacation.

quote:

A lot of this work with the art (coloring, painting, etc) is all right brain to right brain stuff I think. I tend to begin free associating sort of just letting what comes up comes up unfiltered (not emotional but I just talk with the freedom of a child in many ways) and I think that is the whole point of these exercises we're doing - and it's just fun and good bonding too.

Reading this part really brought a smile to my face. One thing I love about this board is that I get to follow people's stories and to see those secure attachments slowly and steadily growing, even amidst all the ups and downs associated with therapy. It makes me feel more hopeful, both for myself and about life in general.

Hope you are able to hang onto those positive feelings while your T is gone. Take care.

HIC

Thank you, HIC Your reply brought me a smile! I really like the same thing about this board. It's been amazing watching many transformations here and sharing my own. I feel like an entirely different person now than when I first came here.

Feeling good, steady... happy, relaxed today. I'm so thankful I had a gentle time yesterday.

thank you draggers!!

I am a semi-pro artist who really uses my artworks to express my inner world in various media. My suggestion about your anxiety, Cat, is to be brave but to start with a very simple drawing, as easy and brief as you need it to be, just to get started.