I had a profound experience with my eq T this week. I have no idea how to explain it. Nothing huge really happened, no big insights or anything. We just had a couple of interactions where I felt really comforted and… like something deeply shifted inside… if only for a moment… I have no idea how or why or what caused the shift. But even my T noticed something shifted inside. She asked me what as different and what was going on for me, and I didn’t know why I felt different, but I did. She was really ok with not knowing. She also – well, she shared that feeling the shift in me was something she was excited about.

It really wasn’t huge and yet… here I am, and all I want to do is hold that moment, that interaction, the feeling of comfort and relief that came with whatever shifted inside – and never ever let go of it. I just want to treasure it. Never forget it. I fell asleep last night thinking of it – almost intentionally re-living it in my mind. I feel silly.

I’m not even sure how to process it, let alone figure out how or what was going on and how to have it happen more and be bigger in my life. I keep starting to journal and write, but then I get stuck. I thought I would try by posting here. (I think I am also trying to get over something I have about posting such a vague post. I dunno.)

In a nutshell, in my session this week, something good happened, I felt good, I felt safe and connected and deeply comforted by simple kind words and presence of my T and the sweet touch of a little foal we were working with who was sick, scared and yet leaning into me as I scratched her little body…

I felt a lot of things, none of which I seem to be able to word very well now. Somehow, I stopped feeling scared or any default need to constantly protect myself. I felt a little freer than I can ever remember feeling.

I've been through awful experiences, in life and in therapy and my process in seeking healing... so maybe I am just new-ish to experiencing a good one and don't quite have my feet under me.

I am sure there is transference that might happen in what I feel towards my T, yet somehow, having animals involved, makes that transference seem like it would be less disaterous and able to be more objective about it. I felt something I have longed to experience and feel, something I have needed... so it would make sense if I want to hold on to my T and the horses that were present with me in it... but I don't feel that so much right now... I just want to hold on to the feeling of being so comforted, the memory of it...

I hold on to so many bad icky memories and things I don't want inside of me. I want to keep the memory of this good experience this week inside of my heart and mind forever... I feel so silly about that...

so confused and mixed up,
~ jane