Thank you for this, R2G! I've been stressing about how much I suck at eye contact in general, but especially in therapy. Interesting stuff.

R2G,
Thanks for posting it, I really like Ryan Howes stuff and this one was not disappointing. I really appreciate how he can discuss something like this and admit he doesn't have all the answers but is intrigued by the question. I know it was issue for me mainly because for a long time my face was buried in my hands and I had my eyes closed during sessions. It wasn't until I had done significant healing that I was able to stay present and be looking at my T consistently during sessions. but the one time I also made sure to was during our goodbye handshake. I would often expect to find something condemning or scornful in his gaze, but instead always found warmth and compassion, care and acceptance. I could run for some time on that gaze and that handshake. Thanks for posting this.

AG

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Thanks for posting r2g... I've struggled a lot with eye contact in my therapy and was stunned last week when I could actually look my T in the eye. Phew. I'm still too scared to look at one of my Ts for any significant amount of time, I told her this week when I noticed her hair had changed very slightly that I had such an intimate relationship with her shoes I was sorry if I hadn't noticed her hair change earlier. Eye contact is scary stuff!

I've been thinking about this eye contact thing....

I think I can look everyone in the eye, except my T!

But, the last three sessions, I've really looked at her. And, sometimes I do that. Sometimes she looks back. Most of the time she does. Sometimes she looks down at her clipboard. Sometimes I think she does that when she is thinking about what to say to me. I think she thinks when I gaze into her eyes, I'm aching for a response, encouragement, advice, something from her....so it feels like she is wanting to help me. Most of the time I feel great comfort when I do make eye contact with her. She has a calmness about her. It helps.

I found that I really don't have a hard time looking my T in the eye. The only time I found I had a hard time looking her in the eye was when we talking about my past "flings" which made me really uncomfotable since I had never openly talked to an adult about those tye of relationships. On occasion she looks down at her little folder type thing when she's thinking about what to say to me or when we have a little quiet moment after I've calmed down from crying ha. Other than that, it's not hard to keep eye contact at all. Plus, she has these really beautiful blue-green eyes that change color depending on what she wears that I find myself constantly staring at

I used to be able to do eye contact with T in the beginning and was totally okay with it, I actually liked it. Sadly I stopped being able to do it on the last sessions, maybe because thee things I talk about are getting really serious and it keeps getting harder and harder to face him *sigh*

i am quite bad at eye contact with my T but have found that when i do have eye contact with him I remember more clearly what he says.
I cant really participate in group chats (live) especially at a table with fluro lights because i am terrified of people looking at me. I dont even know what I am afraid of - i think it's people judging me.
Does anyone have any other ideas?
It has stopped me from doing a lot in life.

I have looked up at my T a couple of times in recent sessions. She looks super vacant, probably because she's not expecting me to look at her since I NEVER do.

Kansas, How did your T react to the sunglasses?

CTL,
I'll let you know how it goes.

I just read the second part of this which contains a gazing exercise as a form of exposure therapy. In my last session, I was feeling very disconnected from my T and he, very gently, pushed me to look at him and I was surprised to find I was having trouble making it past his kneecaps. I eventually did and it was very helpful, but it made me more conscious of needing to work more in this area (my eye contact is fine when I'm not activated, but goes out the window when my emotions get intense). So when I read the article, I emailed it to my T before I lost my nerve and asked if we could work on this in session. I'm planning on talking to him on Monday. I figure either I'll get better at eye contact or set the Guiness Book of World Records for Longest Sustained Blush. I think this is going to be one of the most awkward and embarrassing things I've ever done (which is saying a lot!)

AG

How funny this should come up now. T just told me Wednesday that she wants to try "titrating" eye contact. In other words, to have me look at her a little and then go back to some kind of safe memory or other resource, all while tracking my body sensations. I had something more urgent to talk about at that time, but I assume we'll do it eventually. I'll let you all know what happens when we do try it.

My T actually will look off to the side if I ask to look at him for a few seconds. He knows I can't look at him directly, but sometimes I just like to see that he is "real" and "there". I tell him when I am "done" and he has promised he won't look at me until then. That would totally freak me out if someone asked to "stare at me" but he seems totally cool with it.

HBS, I love how you two do that! Your T sounds very understanding. My T often has such an intense look that I would love to ask him to look away at times but I never have the guts to do that. I tell myself that at least he's focused, but yeesh, that intensity can be unnerving at times!

Starry

I like to have as much eye contact with my T as possible during sessions; I love looking into her eyes. So much so, that one time I was gazing at her lovingly, she laughingly told me not to look at her like that!! She was only kidding me...We have A LOT of eye contact all the time. I wouldn't have it any other way, makes me feel very connected to her.

My T really has a nice collection of shoes and socks...

I also find eye contact quite hard but am getting better at it.
I told my T that and he was understanding as usual and yes i always see what shoes he is wearing as well as looking all over the room and checking out what has changed/is the same.
I can't do any mediatation exercises though with my eyes closed because i couldn't risk feeling the vulnerability of him looking at me.
Don't know what that's all about but i might ask him.
Has anyone else got any suggestions or answers?

My T is very big on eye contact. He will insist at times that I look at him and meet his eyes. He will stop me talking and move his hands from my gaze (usually at the floor) and back to his face telling me in a sort of teasing way "I'm over here, not down there (or over there" LOL. He feels it's important to look at him, especially when he's responding to a question or telling me something because there is so much important (non-verbal) information that I am missing if I'm not looking at him. I think he also realizes that shame makes me look away at times and he wants to dispel the notion that there is anything shameful in what we are working on or what I'm telling him.

I'm getting much better at looking at him when I speak and when I'm listening to him speak. It is helpful and makes a difference when I can look at him because then I see/feel his empathy and it helps me to maintain the connection to him when I see the warmth and affection in his eyes and in the way he looks at me.

I'm really glad he handles it like this.

TN

quote:

And they say you cant learn anything without making eye contact hmmmp!

Love it!

I too, have noticed my T enjoys a variety of toe nail polish colors as the weather warms up, and has a few favorite pairs of shoes and boots.

I also know, though... that she's got the most amazing watery blue eyes. Haven't been able to look at them lately though.

I also just remembered that i seem to absorb meaning more when i actually look at my T.
I think that when i look away I am not fully engaged and get distracted by things in his office. I think it's called "avoidance?'..something I'm very practiced at. It seems weird that you would pay a professional to help you and then purposely not listen to what they are telliing you?!

I feel so grateful that i met my T though and have such a great relationship with him. Even though he is a man (and me a woman) i have been able to trust him and have a lot of laughs with him. The relationship itself has helped heal a lot of my deep wounds and mistrust of men and i really feel love for him like a great friend or good family member. I don't think i have the guts to tell him this though....would anybody else tell him??

Oh! I love this article! Thank you for sharing, R2G.

I love staring at my T's eyes a lot of the time. It is rather intense and I feel so close to her when I do it. I notice when talking about sex or an uncomfortable issue, I will look away, down at the floor, watch the clock or glance around the room. I know when T is watching me and notices my anxious behaviors. During one session I was nervous about sharing this really cool insight and I was twisting my water bottle cap back and forth. As I was talking, I noticed that T looked at me and then made it very clear that she was watching my hands on the bottle and then looked up at me again. I immediately stopped the twisting and just sat still to finish my statement.

Had to comment Athenacus...I was messing with my water bottle trying to get the ring to line back up with the cap and she always looks at my hands as I'm moving them as I'm talking...time to put them down...glancing around the room. I can describe the walls and the way her books are on her shelf. If I looked at her too much it might be too connecting and lots of therapy withdrawals!

That's funny, hopeful, that you had a similar water bottle experience!

My T completely threw me this week by having her office rearranged and it made me a bit uncomfortable. I'm not as close to her now and I can't get in a lot of deep eye contact.

Eye contact for me is a lot easier now that I've talked about a lot of these issues multiple times already.

I've notieced, however, that my Ts have a difficult time with eye contact sometime and will look away if I gaze directly at them for a few seconds.

Scattered, Consider, and BLT -

Thank you for the giggle. My T has fabulous shoes. I can look at her, unless it gets intense for me, and then I just look look look at those shoes.