Hi Beebs,
If you click on the Twitter button, then you will send a tweet from YOUR account (not from the person who wrote the post) with the URL for this post. Basically you're tweeting a link to the post but it in no way identifies the author of the post. Same thing with facebook, it will place the link on your facebook page on your wall. So people who read your facebook or tweets and follow the link MIGHT be able to identify you by following the link and recognizing your "voice" on the site, BUT people won't be able to go from your post to any of your other social stuff. Basically don't use the buttons and there will be no danger. If another person flags your post, the only link will be to their social network. Hope that helps. (BTW, I actually tested it to make sure that was the way it worked.) If you have any other questions BB just ask.

AG

Sorry cross posted with a lot of people.

If you're not logged into Facebook, then it asks you to log in. Not sure what happens if you're already logged in. Didn't try twitter because I'm not sure how to remove a tweet.

If by some mischance, you accidentally click on the Like button for facebook, move your mouse to hover over the Like button and a small "X" will appear next to Unlike, click on that and the post is removed from you wall.

And me, too. In fact I've been deliberating doing just that. What really concerns me the most, is not that I will accidentally click, but- what if someone else- even someone really random, a visitor-...clicks on one of my posts and it shows up somewhere "out there" on facebook? And I would never know, would I?

And-

quote:

Pigs will fly before I press that button to test if it asks me to confirm first so I've taken the precaution of being consistently logged out of facebook and therefore I know if I click on it it would not know my facebook account.

Me too. Nor would I test to see if I can "like" someone else's post on my facebook page.

Thanks for the advice, DF- I'm going to go and make doubly extra sure I am totally logged out. But I'm still scared.

Actually DF, I think you made a lot of good points. I tend to be more laid back as I am pretty open with people in my real life (it's hard to hide therapy for over 25 years ) so I tend to be fairly succinct. But people who get more worried than I do would probably prefer your longer, more thorough answer. I hope this is in time for you to leave it up.

oops, crossposted... i am sorry for starting mass hysteria...

quote:

even someone really random, a visitor-...clicks on one of my posts and it shows up somewhere "out there" on facebook? Eeker

Beebs,
Your post is already openly available on the web and searchable on Google (Pyschcafe is actually the fourth or fifth hit for Transference on Google) so the link being posted on someone's Facebook page is essentially no different from someone reading your post and emailing a link to a friend. If someone sees the link on facebook and follows it, they'll have no more information than anyone else who finds and reads here no matter how they arrived here. I hope that helps. I really don't believe this is a risk to privacy.

AG

quote:

Too late, I type like the wind.

Beebs,
No apologies needed! I'm sure other people were wondering and I think it's really good you asked. I would rather have it clarified. We're talking about issues of a very sensitive nature here and it's perfectly reasonable that people want to protect their identities. I do not go around introducing myself as Attachment Girl from Psychcafe

AG

I was already have mass hysterics about all this inside my head. I started a new hotmail account just for this site - so nothing can be connected.

Um, over the past 9 months I started many new email addresses and logons/passwords to various sites - and now I have zero recollection of the userid/s and websites - the problems with dissociation.

Thanks Aglet- I haven't actually thought of that before..oh dear. I guess I think someone would have to *really* like a post to go to the trouble of copying and pasting it into an email...but it is so easy to click "like." I think the internet is a threat to privacy! What shall I do?

Ok, I think I might be being totally paranoid.

Beebs,
As I said, I personally don't worry a lot, there really is no way for someone to trace you. The only real risk is that someone in real life who doesn't already know I post here, stumbles across the site and recognizes my "voice." But I only talk about this site to people that I talk to in depth about my therapy. So I don't see any need to stop posting on OF.

But if you are worried, the "hidden" forums, Sensitive Issues and Intimate Discussions do not show up on Goggle searches since you can't access them unless you're logged in. So that would be an option. But it does limit who will read and respond. Just going for full disclosure here.

See what happens when you suck up a whole thread?! The dreaded page 2!! Tee hee.

Edited to say that when I posted this originally it ended up on page 2. The crack about sucking up a whole thread referred to myself!

I think I'm just going to pretend like those buttons aren't there, and stay logged out of facebook, which I always am anyway. If I was really worried, I would delete my facebook account before deleting myself out of here, I just realized, since I never visit fb.

Thanks for setting my mind at rest. But seriously- can you imagine accidentally clicking one of your posts and having it show up to all your facebook friends? Talk about worst nightmares...

Thanks Ag and all.. big stretchy hugs for ya...

thanks AG (and Beebs for being the brave one to ask the question), it really helps having those things clearly explained.

but i also do worry about it...

and i also feel the need to ask (although I don't know whom I'm asking) - do we need to have those buttons on this site? to me it seems, you would tweet or 'like' a good recipe or a good movie review... but I would NEVER do that to a post that someone wrote on this site. if i did want to share it with a friend, i would do so in a more private way. maybe it's just me... i'm sorry to be so negative about this, i am a little freaked out... and confused... (and probably generally a bit paranoid and not up with the tweets and the way people seem to communicate these days - and i'm not even that old

just my opinion. i hope no-one is offended.

puppet

Ay, ay, ay...I hate to think of someone stumbling across one of my freak out posts and hitting "like."

I love technology (and this forum of great people!)...

and...

I hate technology.

and I really hope nobody likes this at all.

Hi All,
I'm not sure why the Facebook and Twitter buttons were added. I'm going to contact Shrinklady to talk about why they are there and see if she would object to them being removed.

I understand the discomfort that everyone is feeling but I do want to re-emphasize that aside from making it easier, the posts are no more "exposed" then they already are on the internet. But I'll see what I can do.

AG

I've been meaning to ask about this very thing! My concern is that I would accidentally hit the FB button and then it would post on my wall. It wouldn't be out of the realm of possibility for some of my FB friends to then put 2 and 2 together and I'm not exactly announcing all of my stuff to the general FB public (public being my friends list ) I know that the links are on google, but that is very different than one of my friends seeing a link on MY FB page and then ending up here, because while many friends know I'm in T they certainly don't know all of the details and definitely not my diagnosis.

Hi All,
I spoke to Shrinklady and sent her the thread. She feels that the most important thing about the forum is that members feel safe posting here, so she asked me to remove them after seeing that so many people had concerns.

I really appreciate everyone who posted on the thread nor did I feel any pressure to remove them (that includes you DF! ). I just shared the concern that everyone feel safe here which is why I decided to bring this to Shrinklady's attention.

I think it is of paramount importance that people in the community feel comfortable expressing any concerns. Please never hesitate.

Thanks again!

AG

What Facebook buttons???? I dont' have any facebook buttons anywhere on here.

Dearest Aglet, and dearest Shrinklady,

I love you both with all my heart. I didn't wanna come across as a total freak, but those buttons really were scaring me for some reason. Thank you so much for taking them away, it was really nice of you. ((((((Shrinklady)))))) ((((((Aglet))))))

(dudes- I just a hugged a shrink for the first time ever! )

Love,

BB

((((Monte)))))

So so sorry I didn't get to it sooner Monte. Your posts have so much insight and wisdom in them, that I feel a real sense of loss. Although I do understand your need to remove them.

LG,
By the time you wrote that post the buttons were already gone.


(((Beebs)))) You are too precious!

DF (I feel the same way about your posts as I do Monte's) and Monte, I hesitate to say it because I don't like to make it too easy, but I can do a mass delete of all your posts using my admin privileges, so you can ask if you need to. But just know I might impose a waiting period before I execute.

Noooooo,, AG - please don't tell them that you can mass delete their stuff.

For us newbies - reading all the old stuff is like liquid gold. The posts are absolutely full of wonderful advice, insights and information - they are irreplaceable. The history to this forum is rich stuff and incredibly helpful.

It has helped me so much - it is what got me through this past week!!!! I needed to read about everyone who had been termed and how they handled it. It got me from a black hole to being about to breathe again. It got me tracking down a T from 10 years ago and asking for me help. ME asking for HELP. Wow. You guys did it by letting me read through hundreds of historical posts.

I must admit though - a lot of my posts go to the Sensitive issues section as those are my issues - and I feel safer there as it is closed. I found this site and read the open topics for a month before joining. It is tricky.

quote:

Sorry to say Shrinklady, but it was an insensitive 'option' to 'slip in' unannounced. But funny thing is...I see the donation button warranted an announcement.

Monte,
I really understand your concerns and I know it's something you've struggled with ever since you started posting. Facebook, Twitter and email buttons are common on most forums and Shrinklady let them be included at the recommendation of her web designer. They have only been up a short time and within an hour of the concerns being presented to Shrinklady they were deleted.

You are fully entitled to your anger at your sense of safety being shattered and to expressing it. But that comment about the announcement for donations was a cheap shot and Shrinklady deserves better from you. She has been supporting and paying for this forum from the get go and only now that the costs are steadily increasing with growing traffic has she asked for a VOLUNTARY contribution. Your comment implies that she is more concerned about money than members safety and it was unfair and undeserved and I could not let it pass. I think you owe her an apology.

It is my deepest hope that you remain a member of this community as I highly value your contributions.

AG

I'm so sorry to see that this thread clearly badly triggered Monte, Ag, and probably some others. I should have sent a PM to Ag asking about the buttons, probably, and then it would have been dealt with without so much upset.

Monte, I'm so sad that your posts are gone. I deeply value your input here, and believe me- everyone here knows you well enough to realize that you would have calmed down and apologized yourself for anything that came across as too harsh. Truly. Your apology is clearly sincere.

AG, I think your loyalty to shrinklady, and the service that she provides generously to us here is very special too. I'm sure that if Monte was as acquainted with the enormous cost of running this website as you are, she wouldn't have made that comment- even when seriously triggered and feeling extremely threatened by those buttons being called to her attention.

There's a lot of little decisions in running a website like this, and it's not possible for every one to get carefully thought through- it was just one of those things.

(((((Monte))) and (((((AG)))))) you are both great. I hope that you will be able to get past this, and be friends again!

Love,

BB

Thank you AG and Shrinklady for removing the buttons and for all of your hard work.

((((((((((Monte)))))))))) ((((((((((AG))))))))))

I was actually really encouraged to see the way this exchange went, because the way I see it, you were BOTH responding from a deep love and appreciation for this community. Further, neither one of you shut down and went silent, but both kept on responding out here and speaking from your truth. I agree with DF that there was probably no "perfect" way to handle this - I think the "most" perfect it can ever get is for both to stay and keep talking, which is exactly what you both did. And Monte, we've ALL said things in the midst of being triggered that we regret later, so really, I don't think there's any harm done...except for the fact that your posts are gone, that is a very real loss. But that is NOT an admonishment, just an expression of how much I value your contributions here.

Big hugs to you both.

Love,
SG

Monte,
I am sorry for the long delay in responding. My last post was done at 1:30 AM local time for me, and I needed to get to bed since I have work today.

There are a number of things I want to address in your responses, but I first want to say that I am sorry you felt humiliated, that was in no way my intention. I hope that you have known me long enough to know that I would not deliberately set out to do that to another person and even more so someone I respect and esteem as much as I do you. I also apologize for saying that you owed Shrinklady an apology. As upset as I was, I should not, nor can I, dictate your actions. And I did not for a second doubt the sincerity of your apology to Shrinklady nor think that what I said was the reason you apologized. I know you well enough to know that you would not apologize unless you felt like there was a need too no matter what anyone else had said. And I also respect your courage in doing so in a forthright manner. (BTW, I read your first post when I woke up at 4:30 AM and was planning on apologizing to you before I read your second post. I hope you can provide me with the same benefit of the doubt, and know that my apology was prompted by my own sense of what was due.)

quote:

AG, I do think a discreet pm may have been sufficient, rather than a stern, public reprimand.

Monte, if you were that concerned about discretion, then your original post should have been sent via PM. But despite you’re very understandable upset, this was a personal attack on the integrity of another person done in public and as such it needed to be addressed in public, just as you said you needed to address this in public. I believe deeply that people should be able to express their feelings and struggles and are entitled to their own opinions. But personal attacks cross that line and I did not feel like I would have been fulfilling my responsibilities both as a member of this forum and as the moderator to let such an action stand unchallenged. I am sorry to have added to your pain but I stand by the way I handled this.

quote:

It was not respectful of who I have shown myself to be here.

Monte, I feel a need to defend myself, as you are not the only one angry about this. I am also. Before I say this I want to make something COMPLETELY clear. I volunteer as moderator because I choose to, and the time I spend here on my moderator duties and when I choose to do them are ALL my responsibility. I also appreciate that I am regularly thanked by many members for my efforts. So I am not trying to make anyone else take responsibility for my actions. That said, I am knee deep in unanswered PMs, and still in the middle of dealing with getting two daughters off to college after what has been a rather harrowing four months. But when I read the Twitter/Facebook thread, I responded as quickly as possible because I know that safety is a huge issue for our members. So I spent time explaining the button functions and addresssing peoples concerns. When even more concerns cropped up and it became evident that people were still very worried, I contacted Shrinklady about the issue. She responded within just a few hours, despite it being a Sunday. Her first concern very clearly, without hesitation, was that members feel safe here and she gave me permission to remove the buttons.When I recieved her email, it was 11 PM my time but as I understood the high anxiety level this was causing, I decided to take care of removing the buttons as quickly as possible. The Facebook and Twitter buttons were a global setting and didn’t take too long to clear up. The Email a Friend button however is not a global option and I had to edit each forum individually to remove them. After completing all that, and being happy that we were able to respond so quickly to people’s concerns, I came back to the thread only to be greeted with a vitriolic, angry post about how horribly insensitive this all was. It was a real “no good deed goes unpunished” moment for me. Considering all that Monte, my answer to you was very respectful and restrained. I made it clear that I understood your anger, I respected your right to express it and I ended with a very sincere wish that you would continue to post here. The ONLY thing I addressed about your post was a personal attack on someone, which I felt was wrong no matter how angry you were. And I did not attack your character nor call you names, I addressed an action that you took. I am sorry that you feel you were treated with disrespect, but I do not think I acted in a disrespectful manner.

I do not want to escalate this problem Monte, and I do respect and like you. I am keenly aware of how important your contribution to this forum is, and it is my deepest wish that you remain here. But I also felt a need to defend myself and present my side of this issue. I hope that we can work this through.

AG

I can see both perspectives here. It's hard for me to post, because conflict between others triggers me really badly for past reasons (obviously) and usually causes me to abandon threads, even my own. But, I wanted to offer support.

I can totally understand how, as a moderator, AG felt the need to address the comment. I have been a moderator on a website before, luckily one that did not contain even remotely sensitive material, and it is so hard to strike the right balance between intervention and allowing things to play out on their own. You need to consider all the participants in the thread, even outside readers who sometimes "observe" how conflict is resolved before deciding to become members or active particpants. It must be especially difficult to do that on this site, where the content is peoples' real "stuff." So, I really respect how much thought goes into taking on such a position, especially when you're the only one a (sometimes quite active) online community. The site I moderated had a similar amount of activity and there were always two to four of us moderating. Luckily, most everyone on this site tends to be very respectful and honest, even when there is conflict, so one might be sufficient. However, I do realize it is quite an undertaking to be in that position, especially juggling between being a participant and a moderator.

On the other hand, I would have been left seething if an apology was requested/demanded of me, especially in public, just as Monte says. Not saying whether it is justified or unjustified, but I know 100% that I would have the same reaction, except I would probably have gone into hiding and not stood up for those feelings (which I am proud of Monte for sharing, because it's hard to be vulnerable like that when you feel injured already). Perhaps, knowing Monte to be who she is, simply addressing the comment as "not cool" or not fair to Shrinklady, without demanding the apology, would have been enough. I don't know. I'm not trying to judge either side here. I just know I've been on the wrong side of several forced apologies in my life and if you've had enough that were unjust, the whole idea of having one demanded from you is very yucky, especially when there is a public aspect to it. In my case, I definitely respond better to someone expressing their concerns one-on-one than a public confrontation. When it has happened to me here, I panicked that I was going to end up on the bottom of a dogpile (again, transferring past experiences) and it was hard for me to feel safe for a while, and there are still some topics that just aren't safe for me. Not complaining in any way, because I know this is my past stuff cropping up and I will have to work through it in time. And I'm not assuming there is similar past stuff being stirred up in this case either, and even if there were, no one could predict it.

Anyway, I'm glad that everyone is communicating so honestly and openly about their feelings (and I am risking to do so as well). That shows me that, despite the conflict, there is still a great deal of trust in the community. I hope it doesn't come out like I'm attacking or escalating the conflict in any way. I think these are probably just normal "relationship" hiccups that happen and take time to resolve. I just wanted to say that I can understand both sides here and I hope both sides continue to come to an understanding of one another.

Lastly, ((((((monte)))))) I'm so sorry that those buttons triggered a mass delete. I love your posts and am sorry to lose them, but completely understand why that would have happened. I had a similar inclination, but due to my rather excessive posting , the task would have been too immense.

PS - I forgot to add a thanks to AG for getting those buttons taken down. That WAS quite an undertaking and I'm amazed you were able to do it so quickly! ((((AG))))

Monte,

I believe that your apology was genuine and from the heart. I can also relate to feeling humiliated for being called out publicly, though I don't think that was AG's intention.

I like you both and hope this can get worked out. I don't see either one of you as being in the "wrong" here.

I wasn't saying it wasn't genuine and I'm really sorry if it came off that way. I was speaking more to the feelings and the "forced" comment was specifically referring to my past (and why having one requested/demanded/suggested/however makes you feel most comfortable to word it, would be triggering to me, which I also said does not necessarily mean that anyone else has such a past), not the situation that occurred here. Sorry if this comes off as frustrated, but it constantly seems I am incapable of communicating in a way that will allow what I actually mean to be understood and I am rather irritated with myself about it.

Edit: LOL, the first time I've had the paypal banner pop up was at the end of this post just now. It gave me a laugh (just the does it strike a chord thing), so I'm feeling a bit better. I do wish I could afford to donate...

Yaku,
I am glad that you spoke up and appreciated you're seeing both sides of things and taking the time to clarify your response to DF.

I just wanted you to know that the Donation button is displayed at the bottom of the pages in a thread ONLY if a thread has hit 15 posts and you just happened to be the on the bottom of this page. It's also on page 1 and 2 now. We now have something to add to the dreaded page 2 effect.

And please, please do not worry about contributing money, you contribute to the community in so many other ways. Taking care of your family's needs is much more important.

AG

As hard as this thread is to read and to know that such awesome people were in various stages of upset, the way it's turned out seems to be an enactment of and testament to good therapy.

There was a rupture and now the repair process.

For somebody who's not really experienced this before, it's pretty freakin' fantastic to see it in action.

(((((Monte)))))) Thank you for listening, I know this has been a difficult situation. I so appreciate your willingness to stay engaged through this. And please don't be embarrassed, you have handled this with a great deal of grace and maturity.



AG

Monte,
I had a tooth extracted this morning at the oral surgeon and am taking Vicodin for the pain. That combined with how angry and hurt I am makes this a bad time to respond, but I did not want to give you the impression that I was ignoring your attempt to communicate as I find that very frustrating when it happens to me.

AG

The peacemaker in me just has to chime in because I can see how this whole thing has escalated, and everyone is feeling hurt.

I can say, I love both of you -- Monte and AG. Grace, friends.

AG -- I really hope you feel better! Get some rest along with that vicodin.

Hi Monte,

((((Monte)))) It's hard to go through conflict in public. You are a very valued member of the forum, I think that's clear in all the responses here.

I want to say though, that I think it is a pretty reasonable moderation call to just deal with something when and where you see it. Otherwise things are more likely to escalate, upset more people and so on. Yeah, you were out of line. You apologized. It's fine. People know it was just one of those moments - we all have them in our ways. I think if you have a look back at AG's response you may be able to see that there's no vilification there. Just care for you and an honest response to what was said.

Love,
Jones

Hi Monte,

I agree with what Jones just said. And along with that, I'm wondering if you picked up on how AG gave you the background behind what you are calling her "swift public reprimand"? She basically dropped everything (and she's carrying a lot right now) to address the Facebook/Twitter button issue, and was happy to have been able to do so, so quickly and thoroughly and successfully...and so was Shrinklady...and then she read your post. And despite how understandably shocked and angry and hurt she felt, she restrained herself and ONLY addressed your attack on Shrinklady's character - because she knew full well, based on what Shrinklady had just approved (immediate removal of the buttons to ensure everyone's safety) that her character was intact. She wasn't attacking you, she was defending Shrinklady. And the reason she responded SO quickly (within 20 minutes) was because she had just gotten finished addressing the very issue you were so upset about.

Monte, you've apologized, and everyone has been totally understanding and forgiving, and has let you know that you have always been and still are a highly valued member of this community. So please stop trying to shift part of the blame to AG. She's done nothing wrong here.

SG

I think this thread should have been "closed" once the facebook / twitter buttons were deleted. It is obvious to me this thread is no longer about that.

I want to say, I empathize with Monte, especially as more people give their opinion.

((((Monte)))) You're all right kiddo. Loved.