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L lieseMember
I feel like this is going to sound really stupid but I was hoping to get some responses from you guys anyway.

As a result of the therapy process, it has occurred to me that (and here's the stupid part) we only have one shot at a FOO. We can have as many shots at a career as we want. We can have many friends or lovers if we want. We go visit many places. We can buy new clothes and throw out the old. But the FOO? There IS only one.

I guess I'm realizing the incredible emotional impact that my FOO had on me and how long it is taking to rid myself of dysfunctional emotions.

But that's it. I don't have another shot at that. I'm not necessarily talking about being a child again and having two parents. I think I'm talking about those deep feelings for attachment figures that only feelings children have. I don't know if I will ever feel as attached, for better or for worse, than I was to people from childhood, be it friends or family.

Yes, I have my children. And they are wonderful. But to develop that intimacy with others. To let others touch us. Pick us up when we get a flat tire. Visit us in the hospital when we are sick. See us at our worst and still love us anyway. That kind of intimacy just isn't easy to come by.

I really don't know what I'm saying. Help?
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closeddoorscloseddoorsMember
hi, (((Liese))). you're right, that kind of intimacy isn't easy to come by. i don't really know what to say. i come from a large family, and i am close to a sister and a brother and i consider myself very lucky in that regard. it's true, there are some things i would/could never discuss with the sister for sure. brother is more accepting of all of me and we share a special bond. but i know what you mean about the flat tire and the visit to the hospital. i would call AAA for the tire and would suffer in lonliness in the hospital (my kids would come visit ... but i think you're talking more about an intimate friendship kind of relationship)? none of this probably helps ... just some thoughts on the subject. by the way, it doesn't sound remotely stupid. i think i know what you're saying and have had similar thoughts.
yakusokuyakusokuMember
quote:
Seems if the relational stuff didn't happen as part of natural development during childhood, one is forever stuck in a place of limbo...recognizing the legitimate need and wanting the connections...yet fearing them, even rejecting them if they emerge...and scratching ones head wondering "How the f*ck does this work?"



I do, however, have one set of friends I am closer to than family, and would rely on. They moved away, of course, but when they come back to the area to visit, they spend more time with us than their bio family and other friends all combined. So, I guess, it's not impossible to build close attachments with others, but it seems miraculous if/when it does happen. In our case, it helps that they have a similar family background and similar present day life approach (different than that background). I've never found anyone else who could be so much like real family for H and I. It really stings that they had to move. Frowner The first, actually only, person I texted when Boo had her first day of school was one of them.
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
quote:
Current T is helping me to understand that the early attachment/safety that I am looking for can never be recreated in adult. Not fully. That the task of therapy is to mourn what we never had then to move on. I used to feel filled with fury when she talked about me looking after my own needs and caring for my own child self; it wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted someone else to do it for me.



Hey Cat, this resonated very strongly with me. You summed it all up very succinctly in those words. When my T ever mentions eventually getting what I need out in the world I get very angry with him and I have this cold, shock f fear that he does not want to be what I need him to be. The unfortunate truth is that he cannot be what I would like him to be. The one who takes care of me like a parent should have way back in time. He cannot change what happened in my FOO.

Liese, I think the feelings you are struggling with are those feelings of horrible grief that we need to face and come to terms with. The grief that we didn't get what we should have gotten as children in terms of care, interest and nurturing support and absolute acceptance. We can get some of this now from T and learn to form relationships in real life that provide some of this but it will never be exactly the same for us. We don't get to go back and be 3 years old again. This is the space where the grief lives... what we lost out on as children that our FOO did not provide us and what we can have now which while good is not the same.

It's a tough road to walk and I think most of us are trying to do this.

TN
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
quote:
I've lost count of the times he has said he simply cannot be what I want him to be, but that this doesn't make what he CAN be worthless.


Monte, this is so true. I also tend to focus and obsess over what I can't get from my T, what is missing and what seems too enormous for him to provide ... and then I don't look at what he does give me... which is something very precious on it's own. It's just that when he says something that maybe mom should have said to me... I struggle to even hear it. I tend to just gloss over what he says without taking it in. T will notice and then go back to it helping me to absorb what he is telling me and why. It's still an ongoing battle inside me. Right now I'm totally detached and disconnected from him and I think it would help me if I could find a way to refocus on all those meaningful, precious things he gives me in the relationship instead of what he cannot do for me... like make oldT never have happened, like bringing C back and in magically give me a storybook childhood.

Thanks.
TN

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