Today, my younger sister suddenly texted asking whether H was coming to Christmas, because of the conflict from the incident a couple years ago. My second older sister (who is hosting Christmas) was supposed to ask and let me know if it was not OK for H to come, as I am not taking Boo away from her dad on Christmas like I had to do last year. It was awful! When I responded that we were all coming together, but if it made anyone uncomfortable, we would stay home, she just texted back, "OK." So, suddenly I am this horrible person who has made the wrong choice with this horrible dilemma I am in...yet there is no right choice either. I can go without him (not fair to him or Boo). I can bring him (not fair to my sisters who don't really want to see him, but have said before they are willing to put up with his presence). We can all stay away (most hurtful to my sisters of all, because while they are less uncomfortable, this is me choosing him over them). There is no choice that is good or right.
Then, my older sister calls to ask if she can stop by and what I am doing tonight, etc. I told her we are having dinner with friends we haven't seen in a week and a half (we usually have dinner with them three times a week). Then, she snaps at me with a side comment about how I haven't seen my niece (who lives with her dad in Montana) for months. I had these plans since Sunday and my sister said she was going to come by Wednesday or Thursday with my niece (15), but never called or showed. I know I could have taken initiative to make sure the visit happened, but I got overwhelmed with holiday and therapy stuff and when she didn't show, I just figured I would be seeing everyone on Christmas (unless Boo is too sick to go). I wanted to explain, but she suddenly said, "You know what? Whatever, nevermind, bye!!!" and hung up. As she was hanging up, in a moment of frustration for not being allowed to explain, I said sarcastically, "OK then, bye!" She called back and I forwarded it into voicemail. I haven't listened to her voicemail. I'm too scared. I was too scared to pick up and too scared about her reaction to my not picking up. My niece texted me and said my sister had a fight with her boyfriend/baby daddy and was taking it out on everyone.
I know it's not my fault, but I feel like it is. I am, somehow, some sort of attachment figure for my oldest sister. She moved in with me when she split with her boyfriend after my first nephew was born and while she was pregnant with her infant. She always calls and texts to say how much she misses me, just wants to hear from me, how hard it is being away when she is up north a few hours, how much she relies and counts on my being there, how much my doing so has meant and still means to her, labels me as her go-to person. I accept all these feelings and try to be there for her (and also try to be open with her as much as feels safe, despite not feeling personally inclined to do so, because it's so important to her that I reciprocate). However, I haven't been actively seeking that caretaking role in recent months and I can tell (and she has confirmed) that she is starting to feel rejected/neglected by my lack of effort. I visited her last week, really made the effort to make sure it happened, even though it meant going to my mom's house. She worried aloud that I was avoiding seeing her, thanked me SOOO much for making the plans happen, texted me twice later to say how much she appreciated it and posted on my Facebook wall about how great it was that I made the effort to visit her. I knew that little gesture meant so much to her and she was wanting more effort from me, but I've had a hard week and I just didn't make it. I probably should have, but I had seen her Sunday at my mom's, Tuesday when I watched my nephews during her job, and was going to again on Sunday at the latest.
Still, I was very much aware of her feelings about my distance. I have no excuse there. When she found out I made last minute plans with some friends for my birthday, she got very hurt and upset, because I had told her a couple weeks before that I wasn't going to really celebrate. I literally had just invited a couple of church friends I knew also had gift certificates to the same restaurant and only invited them 1.5 days before dinner. Three of the four adults had to cancel last minute anyway. But, she was very hurt (even though she didn't even remember my birthday until after she had already been texting me about childcare for a bit). I knew she was hurt and explained to her next time I saw her the last minute nature and the keeping a separate time to celebrate with H that didn't involve other family, because if I invite some family, I have to invite all, and then that means having them all in the same place with the tug of war going on between my commitment to my H and to my little sisters and it ruined my last birthday, running from one side of the table to the other and I just couldn't do it again. Ugh. Anyway, point is, I KNOW she is feeling like I am abandoning her and is hurt and angry about it and I could really be making more effort, so I understand her reaction is maybe not my fault, but something that I contributed to...so I texted an apology and explanation that I was just not in a good place to deal with conflict right now.
But, the whole stupid thing sent me into memories of being in my mom's house house and getting stuck in the middle of arguments between her and mom and how scary it would get and everyone being angry at me, because I wasn't on anyone's side. I can't deal with people being angry at me. It will trigger this BS every time. So, I texted T about it and he was good, kind, responsive...after which, I felt like the biggest loser, wasting his time and overreacting about things that are not that big of a deal, but for some reason are making me fall apart. I keep thinking, "Why do I suck so much???" Nothing I remember was bad enough that I should feel like I grew up in some sort of psychological warzone, but that's how it feels whenever I have to deal with family conflict, which is why I'm scared to death to even go see my family on Christmas.
We are a close, tight-knit family, but since I am stepping outside of my role as caretaker, peacemaker, therapist, parent to younger siblings, older siblings and even my mom at times...it just feels like I don't belong there anymore. They are not safe enough for me to share my real, true self and experiences with, but they aren't horrible enough that I can justify cutting them out of my life. So, it feels like I am just left with helping them as much as my own health and boundaries allow and faking a real relationship as everything inside me screams that it is unsafe to rely on any of them for anything. This sucks! I feel safest with my friends, my pastor, etc., but I feel like I'm abandoning my family if I focus my energies on relationships that actually have a chance at ever being interdependent.
Just amazing!
