The second week of August, we'll be taking a family trip, so my H can visit his father, step-grandfather (who might not be around a lot longer) and half-brother for four days. We'll also be stopping to visit my dad for a day. H was nice enough to arrange things so that I don't have to skip an office session with T, even though it means missing his dad's birthday by a couple of days. I am finding myself really anxious about it, because:

* There's no real room in his Dad's house, so we end up sleeping in their living room and Boo gets woken early and often, as if sleeping arrangements weren't enough of an issue right now.

* His Dad's long-term girlfriend screams constantly, which has always been triggering to me, but especially since starting therapy.

* Last year, said girlfriend's son (a few years younger than me) got drunk and threatened his pregnant girlfriend such that they had to kick him out and almost call the cops.

* My father-in-law is OK now, but did a lot of horrible stuff when H was young and I have trouble not getting upset.

* I'm going to feel guilty for only giving my dad one day of my time and also probably really triggered with abandonment stuff and step-mom's usual accusations of us not making enough effort to see them. H and I usually end up fighting about how my dad makes even less effort than his to be involved in Boo's life (but makes effort with my step-sister and her kids) and H wants to do a retaliatory ditch.

* We are leaving right after my first pdoc appointment, which I'm already anxious about...so not sure if I'll be starting meds during this crazy, stressful trip...

None of this is "dangerous," but I find myself really anxious about how triggered and trapped I may feel and will most likely be out of cell range for my phone session and any texting to T or my pastor for support. Ideally, I'd wait until I were in a better place to go, but H has major projects and two business trips coming up and he doesn't want to lose the chance to see his grandpa. I'm thinking about renting a motel room in town to retreat to, but we also don't have $250 to spare right now. Anyway, just venting my anxieties here and hoping I can manage to work through them in the next couple of weeks. Most of all, all this stuff seems like it should be "no big deal" like it always has been, but now I'm freaking out over these stupid BS issues (like abandonment) and feeling pathetic, stupid and weak for being so scared by screaming, fighting, etc. when that was my reality for so many years without me reacting almost at all...