It's only logical that issues concerning my father were dealt with first in therapy, after all he was the one I was least emotionally dependent on.

Thinking back now I can see how depressed dad was. He had become a stranger to us kids, and much hostility was felt towards him by all.

We sensed Ma's hostility towards dad, but didn’t know why. Maybe she knew something that we didn’t, and since mum was our meal ticket we went along with the way she felt. There were subtle hints and clues from her that gained us approval for demonstrating our disapproval of our father.

I have a vivid memory of dad walking down the hallway and seeing his eyes that seemed to read, 'Can you see my pain Muff?" And for the ten year old me who had become terrified of his affect on all of us, my eyes returned a look that said, 'No.'

I resented him for his lack of power over Ma, and perceived him as being too weak to care about us kids. He was a defeated man, a lost soul, who was haunted by his own demons. He was a failure to himself and his kids. I sensed his rage and avoided it by avoiding him. At that same time I resented my mother for not fixing the problem of father. I felt no protection from either parent.

As a family, we all waked on ice and avoided each other while living under the same roof.

Therapy was about venting my feelings towards dad. For years he haunted my dreams; often becoming some kind of hideous revengeful monster in them. My anger towards him seem to catch me out in those dreams, ending in father chasing me in some kind of life threatening senerio.

During that time in therapy my emotions were fixed on my father only. Later they focused only on mother, and finally on both of them together. Brain took one parent at a time until enough emotion had been vented to take them both on.

Fantasy with emotion helped me to turn things around so that I could chase after my father and become more powerful than he. Many battles were fought in my head; diminishing his power and resulting in him no longer being a threat. I had vented enough repressed rage during those fantasies to no longer need father in my head.

As a consequence, I am less fearful and hostile towards men in general, And that’s why I was able to let Malcolm into my life.


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