Hi JD... I don't know maybe we are just more used to people hurting us than of people caring and so it's more familiar. I do know that it's really hard to "take in" compliments or nice things said about me. I had started to believe some of what my T said to me just before he went and terminated me for who knows what reason. And so it feels that he took it all back. I think that's why it so hard for us to accept the good stuff, because if we do then we can also lose it and that would hurt so badly that it's just safer to reject the good stuff so there is nothing to lose.

I remember a few times when my T would say something like "you did really good today and you get two stars for that". It would feel so good, so wonderful for those few moments and I could almost allow myself to believe it was true. That I really did do well and that I deserved two stars for my work...but then I would get scared.

Fear was what ruled my therapy for so long. I was always afraid of something....and that is also what killed my therapy. Fear. My Ts fear and my fear. Fear killed what was essentially a good and healing relationship. But unfortunately I have now more fear than ever and I honestly doubt how I can ever get to a point in therapy where fear is not the predominant emotion.

Recently I have lost so much of the ability to be around or tolerate other people. I just look at them and judge them on their potential to hurt me. And then I decide I'd rather be alone and I isolate myself. That's how it's been lately out of necessity. I just don't have the strength or tolerance for other human company.

JD... I don't know what to tell you but I do know that it's better to be honest with your T. I wish I was more honest with mine. I tried but evidently I didn't try hard enough or do a good enough job. I'm glad your T recognized you for the brave work you are doing.

TN

Hi JD,

I am not in a good place myself at the moment but just wanted you to know that you are definitely not alone in this. I can totally understand where you are coming from. I too find it really hard to accept compliments and on the odd occasion that I truly believe that the person is being genuine in what they are saying even though it feels good in some way it also feel incredibly risky. Almost like I have to be careful not to do anything to make them think differently, I also think it’s a little to do with letting that person in and the risks associated with that. Also the fact that they can see things which I can't always.

quote:

I think I need to tell her I get more scared of people caring, than I am of people hurting me like I have been hurt in the past. I think I feel really messed up and I’m scared she will reject me if I tell her.

It sounds like you are used to being hurt and that is more the ‘norm’ for you than people caring, so not surprising you would be wary of someone offering you something other than what you are used to
I do think it would be helpful for your T to know how you feel about it and it will possibly enable her to understand you better so as to help you through it.

Butterfly

JD,

I relate to so much of this. I have even told my T that I'm afraid of people caring about me. It helps to have her know, because it's almost like she's titrating the amount of care she shows me so that I can learn to handle it. I remember when I first started therapy with my first T and with my current T, I would literally feel overwhelmed if they said anything nice or caring to me. The way I described it to my T is that I'm so afraid of being selfish when I accept any care, and I feel as if I'm taking in something that isn't mine to have.

When I came up with this theory that my current T realized that it overwhelms me, I tried to pay attention to how she was saying things, and unless I'm imagining things, I think she did change a bit how she talked to me. Not that it wasn't caring, but it spoke a little more to the intellectual side of me that can handle that sort of thing. Also, she's changed how she gives me compliments so that it pretty much gives me the out to not even accept it. For instance, she'll start the compliment with, "Now I know you won't believe me, but..." It helps, because I dont' feel pressured to accept it, I don't worry she'll be offended if I can't, and I also feel very understood.

I hope you do tell your T, Janedoe. I would guess that she may know a little about it, but it will nonetheless feel so much better to have it out in the open.

Big hugs,
Kashley

oh dear janedoe. I am sorry i am late to respond to this.. Your poster reveals alot of sadness and worries, and i am sorry your facing this now. I have of course no answers to offor you.. just some thougts- firstly: Yes. Talk to your T about this. This sounds important and very related to both your general life, feelings, relations to others (in past) and yourself, s well as your T. this is important to be exploored further- and WITH someone. Your T sounds really nice and the dialoge in your poster shows that she already got an understanding about your struggles to take in good stuff, compliments etc. So i guess she knows where all this worries comes from... and want you to be able to speak up about it.

as TN wrote- I`ll echo that; you might be more familiar with hurting relationships, and therfore (unconsiously) run away or fear good once. I know that sounds "weird" (why would we run from good things?) but i think you have already indicated the answer yourself: You are afraid you will sabotage it anyway... Be hurtet, be abandoned...?

I do wonder though- why you think you have already sabotaged anything at all in your therapy? What makes you think so? My gut-feeling is that you havent at all...this are only strong fears that has accured now, because you are in that stadium in your Therapy-process where our past seem to be relived and actualised again.. thats the very nature of therapy. It so hurtful when it happens, but dont be afraid of it. And please dont burden yourself with all this fears and worries alone- talk to your T about it.

ps: I might be off base here. Take it or leave it. And let us know how things go if you want to. take good care.

sorry for my delayed response... been struggling with this and it brings me to tears to ready your kind words of encouragement! (how ironic) I guess I am praticting trying to take in kindnesss here too.

TN - thank you so much for what you wrote. I'm so sorry you are still hurting from the breakdown of the relationship with your old T. Yeah... me too...

quote:

Fear was what ruled my therapy for so long.

These words really struck me. My T said I was courageous... yet, the whole reason I keep trying is my fear to stay where I am. Too afraid to stay and to afraid to run.

quote:

Recently I have lost so much of the ability to be around or tolerate other people. I just look at them and judge them on their potential to hurt me. And then I decide I'd rather be alone and I isolate myself. That's how it's been lately out of necessity. I just don't have the strength or tolerance for other human company.

I keep hiding away too.

btw... I think you did try "hard enough"... or it wouldn't hurt so bad. I think you did really well with awful circumstances with your T.

we can only do the best we can with what we have and with where we are at...

thank you TN

Butterfly - thank you for your really kind words, especially while you have been hurting and trying to get through tough stuff yourself.

quote:

Also the fact that they can see things which I can't always

This makes a lot of sense for me too - I have been asking my T a lot recently, "is this weird?" and saying, "I dunno how this sounds coming out of my mouth but..."

and there is such a huge risk in letting them in... argh. i just wish this was easier!

Thank you so much for your encouragement.


Kashley - ah, that's really cool that you were able to tell your T and she was able to "titrate" her caring. I think my T does a bit of that actually already now that I think about it. Every now and then, she starts to get a little less intellectual and more... well, just close and kind, and just last session, she said "I suppose (being kinder) would be too much?" I so quickly said "um yeah..." and we got to do something else that wasn't so scary to try. I think you are right kashley, I think she does know, a little! but I think I need to say it all the same - and "get it out in the open" as you said. Especially so tat when I get afraid, maybe she can help me learn to not just run away. Or maybe she can help me stay for a moment longer before I do... or help me not psuh her away - by saying something really mean or something too...

Frog - thanks for your encouragement and feedback - great thoughts and questions.

yeah, I think I'm feeling the same feelings I have gotten in the past before I have just pushed someone away or I have really run away... like never gone back and said... "see you next week?"

More familliar with abusive relationships - I just had a firend this week tell me I seme to know how to handle and respond to abusive people so easily, respond to powerful people with "respectful tenacity", and yet I become "painfully timid" with anyone who I believe might care about me. I have the hardest time communicating very much of things I need or want or feel in the relationship, and even sometimes I even find it so hard to make any eye contact... ugh...

What am I afraid of? I don't know... I actually don't think the biggest fear is taht the people who are generally kind and caring will hurt me like the abusers have... I am afraid I will sabatoge things terribly - and I think that is becoming and thing in and of itself.

if the fears drive me to run or push people away... then I gotta get to the bottom of this and start facing it... and I dunno how to do that...

or maybe I am afraid they would be like the abusers and that would be the worst of all!

I think I will tell my T when I see her this week. I think I will tell her I want to deal with this fear better. And I dunno how. And I'm scared I will screw everything up with her. and everyone else too.



Thanks all of you for the great responses,
~jane

oh I told my primary t. (the story above was about my eq t) i told my primary t, and it was so hard. I fought back tears the whole time. I told her in the sense of talking about OTHER people... and I shared with her the story of the compliment... and my primary T ended up saying something that i was good at in relationships and I got up just at that moment to throw away my kleneex... and she smiled, i said sheish, i pick this moment to move away again! I was joking to lighten the moment and she laughed... then we talked some more and the tears came to the surface again...

i left and had a serious panic attack - i think i was about to have one before i got there, and i don't normally have panic attacks. i'm calming down and ok...

i have no idea what freaked me out...

i'm so tired. so sick of me.

my t and i did talk very helpfully about "what is yours and what is mine" and how caring people have often invaded that - not just my boundaries but started to take on my stuff as theirs and it's gotten me all scared of relationships... she said my fear made sense - i had much reason for it, and that she thinks it can get better in time, and i can figure out how to sabatoge things less (I used the word sabatoge - she used the word be "less stormy")

... and then we ran out of time...

maybe i need to work on ending sessions with her a little better -

yep.

still shakey, but relieved i told her. she was really cool about it and i'm a lot less scared to talk about it with either t.

she did say the more i notice and "catch the fear and say it out loud" the more they can help - and avoid "helping" by running over my boundaries or their own...

oh - it was validating session.

i'm really scattered right now. sorry about this very scattered messy post.

janedoe. is it your way of testing the relationship?? i think it is mine. to see if they will leave, and i test it until they do. or i want to, and i just sit on my hands knowing what i am capable of, but afraid to do it, and then i don't even touch the relationship i am so afraid of it.

sounds like you use humor too, to keep at a safe distance, by your dialouge upon leaving with t. i am going to try to not do that. i am with you, i am so blasted sick of me.

i am interested in what you are saying, and i hurt for you, too. what we want most we push away for fear it isn't true. i think it boils down, in some way, to acceptance. truly feeling accepted by another. when does that 'take'...i guess, this is when i must go to my rational mind and say i am the problem with trust, but then my, and it sounds like your, memory speak up and bring it all back.

hang in there janedoe. at least you are recognizing a pattern, y'no?? jill

Jill
good questions and thoughts

is it my way of testing the relationship? I dunno. I almost wonder if it is. Sometimes I think it's because I'm so afraid the good will overwhlem me... and if I let in the good then the bad will come in too - if not from this relationship then others... and then I am screwed.

I do use humor as like "comic relief" - I'm told by people that it makes them feel closer to me the way I use it, when for me, it's a way to shift gears or makes things less intense, less close... ironic.

I love what you say about acceptance "taking." this week a horse kept following me around and I had a hard time... I want to be close, heck, I wanted to hug the horse. but i kept moving away, and she kept following. she was actually almost really... assertive about it! she kept moving other horses out of the way to follow me. so my t told me to stay still. as long as I could. inside, I wanted to curl up and cry.

thanks for the encouragement jill