WOW, Cat....

So, I've tried so hard to start a thread on this. I've had this for two weeks now. Almost exactly as you wrote.

It has been to the point of where I now want to stop going twice a week because I am wasting her time (she says I'm not wasting her time, but she asked me if I am wasting mine).... NO, I'm not wasting mine, I just feel frozen, alone, scared, I literally tremble, it is that bad. I can't talk, I can barely think. This did start after I told her something 'sensitive' and 'personal' to me, so I'm wondering if there are layers underneath it....sigh.

Big hugs, Cat, I hope the following sessions are better for you.

Hi Cat... I've been struggling through weeks and weeks like you describe. Ever since I realized my T's wife is in the next office the fear has been so overwhelming that I cannot relax with him and I have been either attacking him out of fear or withdrawing from him, not allowing myself to feel him there or allow him to get close to me. Then I complain that he feels so distant or I am not really "there" with him. Then I try to explain why and I feel like he cannot understand the life and death feelings this evokes in me and then I get so frustrated.

All i can say is when there is fear like this it's about the past. It comes from the past and if you are so unable to articulate what it is, then it could be a fear from when you were pre-verbal and although you have the feeling memories you have no words to attach to them. I have been slogging through a bunch of old memories and trying valiantly to make connections of this fear to the old fears and figure out why I feel this fear of annihilation if I should ever encounter his wife.

You may also be feeling uncontained from what you talked about with your other T last week and it has you feeling anxious and out of sorts. I think you need to be patient with yourself and try to go with those feelings to see if they can lead you some place that helps you make sense of them. Sometimes it required a lot of digging into the muck.

I do feel for you Cat. I hope things get better.

Hugs
TN

(((Cat)))
Sorry, those can't connect sessions are the worst. I had one on Tuesday. And you're right, it's not just not connecting in session, but the fact that it seems to leave us open to all those horrible messages about ourselves.

But here's the thing, I don't think you wasted your session. Learning to stay, learning to even try to stay in the face of that kind of fear and shame is SO important, and a skill that will only build through experience and repitition. So instead of seeing this as a waste, see it as the first small step to being even more present and in the moment in your sessions. (Talking to me here also, it's just easier to believe when I say it about you, so thank you.)

No need for the shame (I know saying that doesn't do much in the face of the feelings), you're working really hard and have been noticably growing. So be as gentle as possible with yourself and give yourself credit that you're planning on going back and NOT running. Pretty impressive in my book.

AG

Hi Cat

ugh, fear of nothing... yeah I know that one and it SUCKS big time. I agree with AG, nothing is ever really a waste in therapy, even though it might feel like it to you now.

I hope things get better...

effed

I have been... the worst client on the face of the planet today.

I've written my SE T... 3 times. Once to vent about everything I was feeling which was very helpful, she wrote back. Then I wrote a little follow up and said thanks for the reply (I do that lots, she usually doesn't reply to those). Then like 30 minutes later MY F___ING BATHROOM CEILING falls out of the sky again because they didn't fix my upper neighbor's bathroom right the first time. So, I had to write her to calm down - (my other T is out of town or I'd vent on her voicemail and practice what to say to the maintenance people instead of what I want to say).

Anyway, my SE T is wonderful and way more generous than I could ever possibly deserver. I've felt a lot less anxious since I wrote her - I think the anxiety was about releasing a lot of anger I had, not particularly at her but I think I was trying to contain it (out of fear of expressing it or having it I think). She gets very short sometimes and I can't tell if it's a perception issue (I think she is talking with a snippier tone because I'm in hyper vigilance) or if she actually is shorter. She recommended we do some calming stuff and I tried but the fear stuff I just couldn't let myself down to get relaxed and just needed to get out of there.

((Ninn)) I'm sorry you've been feeling like this too. I hate waiting between sessions to work this stuff out. I'm blessed that I get to see my other T 2x a week because it keeps our relationship up. I think to help with the relational stuff sometimes 2x a week can be helpful, and sometimes it can cause more transference too so I see your dilemma. I've also constantly felt bad/undeserving of my Ts time. I'm sure there are layers if it was something sensitive you exposed. I tend to do that also - it can change though, recently I've been sharing a lot more with my other T (not the one from today) and it draws me closer I think because she handles it so well. As your T learns you and you learn her it will get better - stick in there. Talk to you about the 2x a week stuff. Hugs to you.

((TN)) Good to hear from you but sad you are struggling right now. There is something bugging me about SE T's office too. We worked through a flashback last week together and I had to have her get me out of the room we were in and move to another room because it was so loud. The staff there is very loud (but, not being annoying, they are doing their job and my T's room happens to be connected to the reception area - they can't hear us because we have music in there and stuff but you can hear absolutely everything they say). Today I was apprehensive about going back so I saw my T in her other room first but then when they were down the hall still making noise I just decided to move to the other room (which I'm more comfortable in) since if I was going to hear talking and thumping anyway it might as well be where I like. I also started out session today complaining about the noise and it may have been my expressing that which caused me a great deal of fear. I kept harping on it and I know my T has done everything she can and says she feels badly about it but I know my having unusually strong hearing and being hypervigilent is making it worse. My regular T used to share an office w/ that practice and says that they've always been very loud (because they do a lot of group therapy, etc there are people everywhere). I think you're right it is about the past, and... it may very well be pre-verbal. On Monday i was dealing with some really intense feelings and my regular T asked if I felt younger in this one particular memory than I actually was at the time and I said yes. I was trying to work on a memory about something that was at a much more surface level than my issue and it spun me out of control. We did containment stuff but I may still have that vibrating in my system.

I'm sorry you are fearing annihilation seeing his wife, I can imagine that would be scary. There are lots of people I think of seeing that I assume I would just disappear in to a puff of smoke if I encountered them. I'm trying to be patient, thanks again for your grounding kind words. ((hug))

((AG)) - They ARE the worst. I'm so sorry your last session was a non-connected session. I feel more self hate than I can even explain when I can't feel connected it leaves me in a spiral of guilt/shame/loathing. I hope it wasn't wasted... I told my T repeatedly I wanted to leave and she said, I can leave, it's okay but... she thinks if I leave I will feel worse, and feel bad than if I stayed and maybe I could feel a tiny bit better. She really was trying to connect to me, it wasn't until I got a really, really long hug from her at the end and I said not even thinking 'Ah so much better' I just needed to LET her in but almost all of the day today.. nope. I do get what you're saying about it not being a waste and I probably would say the same to you I'm also a bit unglued right now I think because my regular T is on vacation and I always get a bit protective with myself when she's gone. Hugs to you!

((effed)) Thanks for your kind words I think you and AG are right, that nothing is a waste... showing up is enough both my Ts tell me that when I tell them I feel like I'm not "doing anything". It DOES suck.

Thanks all for listening, this is very grounding for me.

Hey Cat you’re going through some really hard stuff and I’m sorry your session seemed like a waste of time (and that you’re blaming yourself for it.) Good though that you’re pushing through the crap self loathing and were able to reach out – both to T and here.

quote:

I think the anxiety was about releasing a lot of anger I had, not particularly at her but I think I was trying to contain it (out of fear of expressing it or having it I think).

Wow Cat this really resonates with me – I didn’t really think to make this connection when I read your first post but now that you make a connection yourself it makes me think of when I start to feel paranoid, anxious, frighteningly unsettled in a ‘things going on in the back of my head that are really threatening’ way but without anything to connect this stuff to. I just sit there feeling more and more paranoically frightened without knowing why and start fearing everyone around me (and myself as well).

I’ve worked out recently that it’s nearly always because I’m angry about something (usually of an unacceptable to others type of anger ABOUT others) but haven’t even noticed let alone acknowledged that I’m angry. So I backtrack through recent hours even days to pinpoint an instance where something has sparked anger in me and let myself at least acknowledge it and that nearly always calms the threatening paranoia, if only because it gives me a concrete reason for the fear.

It sounds like you’ve made a link between having experienced T as being snippy and your possibly feeling defensive (angry) about that and the resulting fear (loss of safety with her? Feeling attacked out of the blue as if you’ve done something wrong? Feeling angry at the unacknowledged negativity in her tone that maybe connects to past experiences of that kind of passive aggressive set up where things DID escalate to a point of threatening your safety? These just guesses on my part.)

This type of thing is not the ONLY reason I get scared generally, but in the cases where I’m freaking out and simply don’t know why, it often is because of underground anger that has gone unnoticed or been automatically stuffed. Not sure that that’s any help to you but just wanted to say that what you wrote in your second post makes a lot of sense to me.

Hope you’re hanging in there with the self caring and are feeling stronger today .

LL

((LL)) I'm sorry it took me so long to reply... lots going on this weekend!

I hate waste of time sessions, I have to play double catch-up with T through email which I feel sad and pathetic about but I mean... she's known me long enough to come to expect that at this point

Yes, that's exactly how I feel w/ holding in anger and fear is I start to assume everyone else is like that. As if I'm the canary in the mine-shaft. I've learned, and have to remind myself that I'm in my own storm, I'm not a tsunami, I don't effect everyone around me with how I'm feeling nor should I expect to. They are not an extension of me - just like I've learned if people around me are angry or scared I don't have to be, too.

I'm really sorry that you have a lot of anger and are also afraid of it... that's got to be no fun. Well it's not that I was angry ABOUT the snippiness, it was I was feeling angry about another issue (not related to her) and so my experience has been if I'm angry my Mom would act like a snippy bitch (sorry to be so blunt) and get abusive and scary. So... whenever I'm angry there is a simultaneous fear of people being mad at me. So that's what I mean by... I HEARD snippiness but I don't KNOW if it was snippy or not. I told my T she felt short and she assured me she's still 5'2" but I meant short in speech I said and she said she's talking to me like always. My T has a very even toned voice, it's hypnotic sometimes and she is short, like even when she's being nice and sweet because she talks A LOT more than other Ts do (she acknowledges this) and I think catches herself but still wants to say things...

I think I feel the same way you do about... 'underground' anger. Whenever I'm angry everyone else around me becomes dangerous either because I'm angry at them, might take out my anger on them or they might be angry at me for being angry hehehe.

My T has been super supportive I wrote her yesterday about some really difficult news I got on Saturday and well, I feel close to her. No matter how I feel about session she's still where I run to safety.

Sorry that was a long reply, I'm working stuff out today. Hope all is well and gentle for you.

Thought I had replied to this - I think I did but did the big Delete.

I have had a few weeks of half crappy sessions and 2 this past week. What is it in the universe???

I told T after the first one that it was a crappy session. The 2nd one I told her she sat too close, was not intuitive enough, was minimising my pain, was rushing me through stuff too quickly, was attacking me and had cornered me and that is not a good thing, was not listening to me etc etc.

She has rocked my trust again and I think I am pushing her away using my best (past) attacks.... She realises this though. Yet I keep going back. We are doing the attachment dance at the moment.

I know about my anger tho - i am stewing about things about her and too scared to tell her because the last T i was angry at and told - abruptly terminated me. T has activated a lot of bad stuff from my termination that I am re-enacting and I can't separate out current situations versus what happened in the past. T knows she has hurt me unintentionally and is trying to repair us. I am frozen in fear a bit at the moment.