Fear of having an impact / never having an impact on (my T) - related to childhood

evaMember

Sorry had no idea what to call it.

Just wanting to know if anyone can relate to this.

*** TW *** talks about emotional abuse and physical abuse

Something my Pdoc said today in our session that was meant to reassure me, triggered the hell out if me. Thank god it was her that said it, not my T (my T isn't quite so blunt or ... Forward I think).

My pdoc was trying to explain that there wasn't anything I could ever do that would 'demolish' or 'destroy' either her or my T.... I had to get her to explain what she meant quite a few times as it was so emotionally triggering and the emotional part of me could only see it as an incredibly bad, awful thing. she didn't mean I was seeking to destroy them or trying to be manipulative in any way ... She was meaning they were both 'strong' and could handle anything I told them. But I think (??) the way she put it wasn't the most sensitive... I don't want to write more as it was quite upsetting but I think that is what she was trying to say.

Anyway - I had a lightbulb moment as to why this really really upset something deep inside of me...

Firstly, it freaks the hell out of me when people 'care' or express 'concern' for me - it terrifies me they they will engulf me - emotional rape me like my mother did - I was so engulfed by her growing up that I had no idea where she ended and I started and vice versa. Her sudden death (that I witnessed) when I was 10 didn't even sever the engulfment.

But on the other hand, I realised I am just as terrified that I will have NO emotional impact on others - ie, that someone I care about (like my T) can never ever be 'impacted' by ANYTHING I ever say or do... that she is that protected by the boundaries she puts up, I can never ever 'get through' emotionally - which in my experience means I WILL be abandoned and it will almost destroy me.

The example I gave my pdoc was this:

As a punishment my mother put me in my bedroom cupboard and shut the door on me. I was terrified of the dark and scared of small spaces. I was about 6 or 7 I think (it happened more than once is is just one of those times). I was crying, and yelling out 'I can't breathe!! I can't breathe!' I remember being terrified I was going to die. My mum just held the door shut with her foot and I gored my pleas

.

Then she opened the door, having felt bad, apologised, hugged me (while I was as stuff as a board) and said she was so sorry, she didn't mean it..... "That's ok" I said - like a robot. Inside I felt so awful, I didn't think it was ok, I just knew I had to say it was, least it make her sadder - or angrier and put me back in there

.

What it means is that growing up, I had no idea if / when my mother was going to advance towards me and hurt me physically or be overwhelmed emotionally. If she felt bad / needed emotional support and care it was my job to do it for her. She took from me, leaving me depleted, alone and as long as it made her feel better, how it affected me didn't matter at all

.

And then the opposite - when I really realy NEEDED her to HEAR me and BE THERE for me - no matter how emotionally upset or affected I was, no matter how much I screamed out for her help or love, she was the one to decide if and when I received love or care.

I was not able to impact her in any way.

And that is why it scares and triggers me so much when my T might express 'care' or comes too close to me emotionally. But I'm just as scared of the polar opposite - what if I am emotionally devastated and she abandons me like my mother did? That there will be NOTHING I can say or do to try to 'get' her to care when I need her too.

can anyone else relate to this AT ALL?

Sorry it's so long, I'm still trying to articulate it properly.

9/4/1410:28 PM

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elsewhererevisitedMember

sorry you're hurting so much!
What I think is it's all about finding the middle ground. It's not all or nothing. You do have an impact on your T's but you won't be able to destroy them. They have grown up stable enough to allow to be 'touched' but not to be destroyed'. And vice versa: they do have an impact on you (mostly beneficial and sometimes not - because they make mistakes like all of us do) but you won't be destroyed by them.
Middle ground, not black or white, not on or off.
Hope this helps

9/5/1412:24 AM

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evaMember

Intellectually of course I totally get it.

Emotionally however - that is the issue. Because this is one of day core traumas, it is going to take a shite load of work to even begin to muddle through it. Basically the fear is so deep and so profound, I haven't even touched the surface yet - it just isn't safe enough for me to SURVIVE facing it yet. (Many of my flashbacks I am very suicidal - I have the strongest of urges to die, I am so desperate to escape).

9/5/141:24 AM

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beestungMember

I somewhat get it, don't want to say completely because my experiences are different from yours and we might be talking about different things.

For me, it relates to the too much/not enough principle. I will be too much for her, I will drive her away. On the other hand...I'm not enough, I'm not worthy of her, my problems aren't big enough, my 'traumas' (my quotes, not hers) aren't enough for me to have the reaction that I'm having and therefore I can't open up fully because I will experience rejection and abandonment again. I actually had the experience you describe - my experience of it, anyway - which was not being able to 'get through' emotionally and subsequently end up abandoned. The boundary she put up was a non-negotiable one and that made me feel so worthless, like my pain and suffering meant nothing because it was just a boundary, I felt she couldn't understand me, wouldn't hear me and if I pushed to get her to understand me it felt like I would have pushed against her boundary. I got through it but it did destroy me (ultimately in a positive way, but it was one of the most painful things I ever went through). I really had to work through the pain, and make a choice as to whether violate her boundaries, essentially, or deal with it. I 'dealt' with it but it wasn't easy. But it made me realise parallels between her behaviour and my mum's and what is triggering to me, and it was healing because it wasn't the same experience and I knew that despite what I was feeling, she was there for me. Edited to say: that's what was different. It replayed the abandonment because the situations were similar but despite feeling abandonment and re-experiencing it, I came out of the other side realising that I wasn't. If that makes any sense at all.

I still haven't even touched on the most horrible stuff. I can't because it feels so painful and shameful but like it is nothing, too. And I don't want her to think that (even though we just argued about trauma where she said pretty much the opposite). But yeah. Trust. It's hard. It is so hard to let that person in when doing it before meant devastation.

9/5/1412:48 PM

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evaMember

Thanks beesting for your reply and sharing your experience. I have the 'I'm too much' for my T thing too. My T comes bake after a 5 week holiday on the other side of the world and I'm feeling like shit when I think about telling her how hard it's been while she's away and how much I'm strulgging. She's just had a vacation and it FEELS like ill drive her into needing another one.

Which is exactly what my pdoc was trying to tell me - It WON'T drive her to feel desperate or needing another holiday. Not that I'd want to do that or be able to do that if course (!!!!!) - but the thought that she won't be at all affected by how much pain I've gone through by her going away - that is where the pain lies for me right now.

I know it's very old stuff. Logically I know it's old pain and it's very deep and at the core of me, and the trauma I experienced on an ongoing basis. Like ELSEWHERE said - I'm thinking in 'black and white' terms - it's just that EMOTIONALLY it is so very very painful and RAW.

Sigh - on the positive - "it's an opportunity" to do some very real and very hard and quite possibly some very productive hard therapy work when my T returns at the end of the week.

Oh happy happy joy joy