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I guess I should also add an on-topic, though tangential, question:
Why do people like relationships, physical intimacy (even just a kiss), etc.? I feel like my fear has clouded my understanding of the point, of what it is that humans feel in a relationship. Perhaps if I had a truth to counter my fear of simply being so open I am ashamed (about my psychologically traumatic past), I would cognitively fight my way through this fear.
Why do people like relationships, physical intimacy (even just a kiss), etc.? I feel like my fear has clouded my understanding of the point, of what it is that humans feel in a relationship. Perhaps if I had a truth to counter my fear of simply being so open I am ashamed (about my psychologically traumatic past), I would cognitively fight my way through this fear.
finding_my_way,
You haven't mentioned much about your early childhood, but I am guessing it probably wasn't all that great. Our feelings about intimacy and relationship, including physical contact actually starting forming as implicit memories from the time we are born before our frontal lobes even come "on-line" and we start to form biographical memories. If we have "good enough" parenting where we experienced attunement, quick repair of disruptions and our needs consistently (but not perfectly) being met in a timely manner, then our experience will lead us to believe that the natural human instinct (biologically wired in) to move towards another person for comfort and soothing and to get our needs met is a good thing. That the world is a good place, that while sometimes wounding us or causing us pain, can in general be expected to yield good things. For people like that, moving closer, experiencing intimacy, being held, call up good memories and experiences and so are felt as good things.
On the other hand, if you did not have that (I didn't) and most especially if you experienced abuse at the hands of a caregiver, then moving closer to someone (as much as we need to, children die without any touch) will also be experienced as something dangerous and a time where we should be hypervigilant for the abuse we knew would follow. So we fear intimacy because it was in intimacy that we were injured.
I do not know if this will make sense for you, as again, I do not know that much of your background so I am making some pretty sweeping assumptions, but based on how you are describing your feelings and your battle with an ED, I thought this might help. You also might want to read this post on my blog:
Disorganized Attachment or Why You Think You’re Crazy But Really Aren’t
Nice to meet you btw, I'm not sure we've spoken before and
to the forums.
AG
You haven't mentioned much about your early childhood, but I am guessing it probably wasn't all that great. Our feelings about intimacy and relationship, including physical contact actually starting forming as implicit memories from the time we are born before our frontal lobes even come "on-line" and we start to form biographical memories. If we have "good enough" parenting where we experienced attunement, quick repair of disruptions and our needs consistently (but not perfectly) being met in a timely manner, then our experience will lead us to believe that the natural human instinct (biologically wired in) to move towards another person for comfort and soothing and to get our needs met is a good thing. That the world is a good place, that while sometimes wounding us or causing us pain, can in general be expected to yield good things. For people like that, moving closer, experiencing intimacy, being held, call up good memories and experiences and so are felt as good things.
On the other hand, if you did not have that (I didn't) and most especially if you experienced abuse at the hands of a caregiver, then moving closer to someone (as much as we need to, children die without any touch) will also be experienced as something dangerous and a time where we should be hypervigilant for the abuse we knew would follow. So we fear intimacy because it was in intimacy that we were injured.
I do not know if this will make sense for you, as again, I do not know that much of your background so I am making some pretty sweeping assumptions, but based on how you are describing your feelings and your battle with an ED, I thought this might help. You also might want to read this post on my blog:
Disorganized Attachment or Why You Think You’re Crazy But Really Aren’t
Nice to meet you btw, I'm not sure we've spoken before and
to the forums.AG
Hi and welcome to the forum 
It is tricky at the beginning of a romantic relationship to figure out how much to disclose about yourself and when. I imagine that for some people, it comes naturally to just babble about whatever. I know I've heard stories from friends that have surprised me about just how much they or their SO said about themselves on a very first date, for example.
I suppose it must be pretty individual and have a lot to do with how comfortable you are with yourself and with they person you're becoming involved with. One thing that simplifies the problem a little is that people are generally attracted to those who have roughly the same tolerance for emotional intimacy. Even if one person is more talkative and the other is quiet, if it feels natural to be together it's probably because there is an underlying similarity in this regard, imo.
As far as myself, I didn't tell H about my "issues" until we had been dating almost six months. That might sound like a long time, but we lived in different cities so the relationship moved kind of slowly partly because of that, and also we are both fairly reserved. I wanted to make sure there was a decent base of friendship and companionship and that we were in at least a semi-permanent relationship before I disclosed anything too vulnerable and intimate. I think at the beginning stages of a relationship, it's fine to stick to superficials until it feels safe and natural to do otherwise. Of course like I said before. . . that's going to vary a lot from person to person.
Regarding the physical side of things, I'm really hesitant to give advice since it's so individual and generalizing from my own experience might not be very helpful. It's a great topic to explore in therapy, though! Someone trustworthy (like a T) who knows you and your history may be able to guide you best.
It is tricky at the beginning of a romantic relationship to figure out how much to disclose about yourself and when. I imagine that for some people, it comes naturally to just babble about whatever. I know I've heard stories from friends that have surprised me about just how much they or their SO said about themselves on a very first date, for example.
I suppose it must be pretty individual and have a lot to do with how comfortable you are with yourself and with they person you're becoming involved with. One thing that simplifies the problem a little is that people are generally attracted to those who have roughly the same tolerance for emotional intimacy. Even if one person is more talkative and the other is quiet, if it feels natural to be together it's probably because there is an underlying similarity in this regard, imo.
As far as myself, I didn't tell H about my "issues" until we had been dating almost six months. That might sound like a long time, but we lived in different cities so the relationship moved kind of slowly partly because of that, and also we are both fairly reserved. I wanted to make sure there was a decent base of friendship and companionship and that we were in at least a semi-permanent relationship before I disclosed anything too vulnerable and intimate. I think at the beginning stages of a relationship, it's fine to stick to superficials until it feels safe and natural to do otherwise. Of course like I said before. . . that's going to vary a lot from person to person.
Regarding the physical side of things, I'm really hesitant to give advice since it's so individual and generalizing from my own experience might not be very helpful. It's a great topic to explore in therapy, though! Someone trustworthy (like a T) who knows you and your history may be able to guide you best.
AG, Thanks for the welcome and response. Your explanation really helped, though for reasons other than abuse. I had a very safe upbringing, but honesty was a "threat" to my emotional safety and physical safety by the end of elementary school. It does help to understand where the fear is coming from.
Heldincompassion, your answer was so honest that it really pushed me into reflection. He is a musician and really puts his feelings out there. He's also so open about his anxiety. The thing is, we really do feel great together, and though we just started seeing each other (just had a first one-on-one date), we met two weeks ago and already have hung out six prior times. So, we bypassed that first two-three dates of finding out who the other person is or getting to know the other person's friends. I feel like I am distancing myself by holding back the truth, though, and that is true even in some of my closest friendships. I want to be myself for him, but I can only be there so much if there's a wall blocking the majority of what made me who I am. I wouldn't let things get too physical before we are really trusting of one another, but he is a young male who isn't so physically reserved, so there will come a time soon enough when I have to justify myself. It may not be with this guy, but over the next 10 years, it will probably be with someone.
I really need to figure out this situation and fear of emotional intimacy, and until reading this response, I didn't think it was okay to bring to therapy; but, I suppose that's the best place to start.
Thank you guys.
Heldincompassion, your answer was so honest that it really pushed me into reflection. He is a musician and really puts his feelings out there. He's also so open about his anxiety. The thing is, we really do feel great together, and though we just started seeing each other (just had a first one-on-one date), we met two weeks ago and already have hung out six prior times. So, we bypassed that first two-three dates of finding out who the other person is or getting to know the other person's friends. I feel like I am distancing myself by holding back the truth, though, and that is true even in some of my closest friendships. I want to be myself for him, but I can only be there so much if there's a wall blocking the majority of what made me who I am. I wouldn't let things get too physical before we are really trusting of one another, but he is a young male who isn't so physically reserved, so there will come a time soon enough when I have to justify myself. It may not be with this guy, but over the next 10 years, it will probably be with someone.
I really need to figure out this situation and fear of emotional intimacy, and until reading this response, I didn't think it was okay to bring to therapy; but, I suppose that's the best place to start.
Thank you guys.