quote:

My therapist help me to revisit the memories but in my head I think: If I say it aloud and believe it at the same time, I will crumble to pieces on the floor and I won't have anyone to help comfort or hold me together. I'll be alone, again, and my mind will not release the trauma. For some reason, no matter how hard I try, I am unable to let facts and feelings of the events come together.

Hi deeplyrooted and welcome back. Nice to see you. And yes, you do make sense. What you write about is a common struggle for those of us with complex trauma. There is great difficulty in getting to the point of integrating both the emotional memories and the factual ones. And the fear of hearing us say out loud what happened is strong... it's that feeling of being annihilated by actually saying it which makes it true.

I'm not sure how to get past this point. I still have a hard time with it. I think it may come with feeling safe enough with T to trust that they won't let you crumble or that they will hold you together so that the integration of these two things won't destroy you. I think it takes time and a consistent, strong T at your side.

I don't have a lot of solutions for you except to keep working at it. But I wanted you to know someone was here listening and understanding.

Hugs
TN

((Deeplyrooted))) that is exactly my fear. Like I know am safe in session, that T will take care of memories that arise, help me process and work through them ...but my fear of accepting them for real hinges on the fact that as soon as I walk out of the session door I think I'm going to crumble and the old fears and inability to cope return.

You are certainly not alone in this I trust my T completely with my memories, it's myself I don't trust.

starfishy

Well I am not sure we I stand on telling my T about memories. I did say a bit a month ago to my T and got no where with it. The next session had her mention my last visit but only just! Some how I think I well be slow at saying stuff like that to her again as it seems a bit pointless to me nowadays.. sadly.
All the best to you deeplyrooted.
ND

TN,
It is good to still see someone familiar after all this time. I want to thank you for your response. I needed to be reminded that my struggle is common for those who are recovering from complex trauma. Because I have suppressed and dissociated my childhood memories, it is hard to believe that these memories fragments are real and I still ask myself, “was it really that bad?” It seems I have uncovered memory fragments of several perpetrators throughout my childhood and adolescence but I keep waiting for some sort of visual memory to confirm or prove these sensations and emotional memories are real. Yet, what is interesting is that none of my memories have been of my dad, whom I know was convicted of a felony against me when I was ten. Weird! No doubt, these mental gymnastics are preventing me from healing wounds of the past.

Starfishy, Thanks for the hug! Your comment about not trusting yourself is insightful. It makes me think I need to look back and count the times that I have processed a difficult memory and survived. In fact, I need to remind myself that I survived the traumatic event once already and that I am bigger and stronger now. But, I always end up wondering how I will comfort myself if I say it out loud. I guess I want what I didn't get in childhood: physical and emotional comfort, and assurance. Maybe I have to grieve that loss first. IDK! I know that I have been able to connect with a memory in a session but when I left it was as if that never happened and I have to start all over. I think that is because I would not name the memory. I can say that here but not to my therapist because you don't know what I am afraid to speak and she does. UGH, I am dragging out the pain!

ND, I am sorry for your disappointment with your therapist and how it caused you to retreat. It makes me think of something my therapist once told me on a follow-up session to exposing a memory. She sensed my hesitation to discuss what happened during the previous visit and then told me should would periodically keep knocking on that door, as if to say she will gently expose me to it again and again until I am ready to open the door and name what I see while taking a step inside. A previous therapist once told me when I was frustrated with my progress, “inch by inch it's a cinch, yard by yard it's hard.”

deeplyrooted

Deeplyrooted you have really said it here. I know it is a common thread for all of us with this past too. So afraid to speak the words. my t tells me i'm so abstract in all of my descriptions - i guess that means no words to speak out loud.

Hi Smiley,

I am so glad to find people who understand the struggle along the healing journey. This is the place!

Are you saying that you are talking around the subject using abstract descriptions rather than naming what you want to say or are you changing the subject. I am guilty of both but I am wondering what you mean.

deeplyrooted

I see my therapist in a couple of hours. Thankfully, I already am beginning to feel a sense of support here and it is helping me to feel a little stronger than I did before I began this thread last week. I sure hope the session will be productive.

Theologically, I know there is a God and he is always with me but I don't always feel his presence. I suppose I am like most people; I have spent my life hiding the worst in me from other people and now that I want to heal, I don't want to be alone when the light shines on the darkest corners of my soul. Go figure!

Forum friends...thanks for listening!


deeplyrooted

The rest of the story...

I sent my T an email with a list of talking points hoping that some amount of structure would help me. I had also made plans to have tea with a good friend once my appointment was over. I did everything I knew to do to take care of myself; but, once again, I could not go through with my intentions to name it. Nevertheless, the session was still gut-wrenching. When it was over, my T escorted me to a couch in another room to rest until I felt grounded enough to drive.

I would not be brave enough to admit this to people in my social circle but while sitting on that couch, I bundled the outer clothing I wore to the session on my lap and hugged it like it was a little girl. I closed my eyes and rocked back and forth while placing my right hand over my left hand and stroked it as if it were her head. I told the little girl that when we were ready, we would go to my friend's house for a little tea party. I have been told that I needed to integrate the little girl within with the woman that I am so this was my attempt to do that.

I gotta say, this process reminds me of my experiences of giving birth....

Push, breath, push, breath, push, breath, etc.

deeplyrooted

Thanks for the hug, SomeDays!

Update:
My T sent me an email to confirm our last appointment and I suddenly felt physically weak. It was a weakness I felt early on in therapy but have not had to contend with for quite some time. It wiped me out for an hour or two. After wrestling with the idea, I did confirm the appointment with my T and met with her last week. I brought a list of items to discuss but was open to doing hard work. She was laughing with another T when I walked in to the building. It was obvious at that moment that the laughter was coming from the room she let me use after my previous session. I determined right then that I would stick to the list and not venture in to memories because I didn't want to end in a mess with no safe place to go.

We discussed Xanax and how it is one tool in my tool box that helped me get through a stressful day like I had the day she sent the email. I told her about a couple of comments she made during the last session and how I did not appreciate them. She told me to feel free to stop her in the middle of a session and tell her when something happens that upsets me so we can talk about it in the here and now. She didn't get defensive not did she pry for details. I told her how frightened I am of body memories and how I run from them. I need her to help me sit with them by asking me how I feel and what do they mean to me because I turn inward too much to do that for myself. I told her I need her to help draw out my thoughts and feelings at that moment. She appreciated my asking for what I need as a sign of knowing myself and of having the strength to ask. I explained to her how I tried comforting myself on the couch in the extra room after the last session and she applauded those efforts. She thought it was interesting that I thought of comforting the little girl inside only after noticing that I was already stroking the back of my hand. (not sure why that is interesting)

The hardest discussion came near the end of our session when I asked her about her policy for touch. She said she is willing to give a hug if a client asks for it. She went on to tell me that some clients ask to hold her hand through a difficult session. She will not initiate the contact. I then asked her if I could hold her forearm during a difficult session and she said yes. I asked if we could practice doing that. She rolled her chair close to the couch I was sitting on and I told her I need her back to be against the bookcase. That way I would not be looking directly at her. I held her arm and let go. Then I held her arm again and let go. She asked if I felt comfortable with that and immediately, I wanted to sob and felt body memories of sexual abuse. She rolled away from me and I explained that I think the emotions came from knowing why I will need her help in that way. Now I want to sob again. They also could be a reminder of a particular abuser whom she resembles. (I haven't admitted that to anyone before now) We discussed what I can do or say to let her know that I need to hold her arm because when I am sobbing or dissociated, it is difficult to communicate. I am glad we walked through that but as I walked to my car, I began to feel weak in my arms and legs and wondered if touching her was going to be a bad idea. It look like I need to process the emotions that came up by touching her before trying to use touch as a means of keeping myself grounded. The dilemma is that if I do that I would risk exposing the very thing I am having so much trouble talking about. Maybe this is best: backing into the memory instead of facing it head on. Does that make sense? At the very least, these strong emotions show me how neglected I felt as a child and how I didn't have ANYONE to comfort or soothe me. I really need to grieve that but, as if on cue, I run from that pain. I am so afraid to take in her care even though I know it is something I must learn to do. I am afraid to be that close to her (physically and emotionally). Intimacy frightens me....obviously!

Draggers, you responded to much of this on a private forum and I am very grateful for you.

My next appointment with T is tomorrow and I feel torn! Do I follow through with my plan to deal with the pain from the past or talk about issues that need to be resolved in the present. How do I know which is most important? Ugh! I hate this part of life. There are always more issues than there is time to solve them. It feels like I am in the hallway of hell and I don't know which door is the right on to open. Maybe I am distracting myself from pain. It wouldn't be the first time.

Thanks for reading all the way to the end.

deeplyrooted

Hey DR, what an amazing session.

I am only going to comment on the touch aspect of your post as it made me think of something.

My T and I hug. It has taken a long time of gradual talk about touch in therapy. I am very avoidant and don't like touch, emotionally shut down etc etc. So it has been a big step. Each session now I am allowed to ask for a hug and my T will offer - even if we have a crap session or a sad session or an easy session.......Part of it is practising asking for things I need, part of it is to touch another human being and part of it is practising hugging and learning not to shut down and to feel something. It is a complex thing for me.

Anyway last week when I hugged her - she was wearing a dress that mean her shoulder, arm was exposed and when I hugged her I actually touched her skin. I realised that I had never touched her skin before and we always hugged where there was clothing. It really freaked me out. It has since made me think of asking to touch her arm to feel a connection or she is always in a dilemma whether she touches my arm when I am dissociated. But I now do not want to touch her arm as I do not want skin contact - I have worked out that it feels too intimate or something.

There was something about the skin contact that freaked me. So when you wrote about touching her arm - i wondered whether that could be a similar dilemma that I had?

That weakness you describe....I get so emotionally triggered or after a dissociation that I cannot function at all and I have to lie down. I fall into a unconscious type of sleep. I believe this is my body shutting down as I have experienced too much. I am not sure I have felt a weakness but do have total exhaustion.

I am interested in what others have to say about the all the other details in your post.
Somedays

Somedays,
I appreciate your sharing how it is for you to touch your T and what you are learning in the process.

quote:

.Part of it is practising asking for things I need, part of it is to touch another human being and part of it is practising hugging and learning not to shut down and to feel something. It is a complex thing for me.

I need to make sure she is wearing long sleeves before I hold her arm in case touching her skin is an additional trigger. I see my T in a few hours and I hope she is wearing long sleeves and is wearing any color but black! (She has a funeral to attend this afternoon).

I do think the weakness is a symptoms of feeling overwhelmed and I am relieved to know I am not the only one. My former T didn't explain to me why this was happening to my body and the not understanding made me feel like a freak.

SD, I know that was a long post and I appreciate you reading and responding to it.

I tried taking this thread to a private forum so that I could get into the details of my struggle but there was very little activity on it. I am desperate for support as I get closer to opening pandora's box because I am terrified to be left alone holding its contents. I hope it is realistic to find support here.

deeplyrooted

Hello DeeplyRooted, nice to see you around the forum again

I'm sorry I haven't posted to you sooner and really now am only posting to say hello and sorry that I haven't got anything useful or helpful to say about what you're going through - just that I feel for you and think you're being really brave and strong to push ahead as you are.

I just don't have the experience to call on to come up with anything understanding of what you're going through. I do hope you'll keep reaching out here for support though, even if people don't always respond, they're reading and sending silent support as well. It's a bit quiet at the moment unfortunately.

Sending you lots of good wishes and healing thoughts ((((((((( DR )))))))))

LL

LL,

Thanks for your warm welcome. I am glad you remember me and are letting me know you are here even if we do not share the same experiences. I am not looking for insight or counsel as much as I am looking to be understood and know that I am not alone.

deeplyrooted

Okay, I understand that relationship between T and client is key to effective and successful therapy. In spite of our difference, I get along well with my T. Recently, I read about numerous studies that suggest the client must also have an affective experience within the therapeutic relationship and survive it for therapy to be successful. I am not sure I understand what that means. Does anyone know if shrinklady addresses this? I usually have no problem crying in front of my T but I am usually not able to connect that emoting to a reason for the tears. Does that count as effective therapy? I met with her again today and though we talked about a number of traumatic events of my childhood and I felt the body memories of abdominal and vaginal pain, I could barely cry and I still couldn't name the trauma that is causing all this turmoil. This is so frustrating! I can't figure out if my not crying is a sign I am getting better or a defense mechanism. IDK.

deeplyrooted

quote:

I read about numerous studies that suggest the client must also have an affective experience within the therapeutic relationship and survive it for therapy to be successful. I am not sure I understand what that means.

I’m not sure either what that means DR . Do you think it refers to the ‘rupture and repair’ cycle? Or to needing to feel attached to T? Or to feeling vulnerable and exposed with our feelings within therapy and finding that the T can be trusted to respond to them in a nurturing and healing way? I’m assuming that therapy can’t be healing without some sort of emotional involvement/investment, but have no idea about specifics. This is where we need xoxo to help out!

quote:

I usually have no problem crying in front of my T but I am usually not able to connect that emoting to a reason for the tears. Does that count as effective therapy?

What a very curious question! Do you not feel within yourself whether it helps you in some way to feel free to cry in front of your T? I gather what the issue is, is that you can cry but have no idea WHY you are crying (that is, if you’re anything like me, who can sometimes shed tears but for the life of me have no concrete sense of the cause of the tears, it’s as if I’m crying in a vacuum and so nothing changes and I learn nothing and my understanding doesn’t deepen. It also never makes me feel better .) Is that the sort of thing you are talking about here?

Again bear in mind I have no experience of the horrors you are remembering so whatever I’m saying in this post just reflects my limited knowledge of therapy through my own eyes. So apologies if it all sounds like rubbish

I’m sorry you’re having such trouble with naming and labelling what’s been going on. I guess you just have to keep pushing and keep trying and not beat yourself up too much about not being able to go any faster. From what I understand, trauma has its own timetable and can’t be rushed. I wish there were some way of shortcircuiting the whole process, so far I haven’t come across it though in all my reading and researching.

Sending you some big hugs ((((((((((( DR )))))))))) and hoping you feel that you are not alone in this.

LL

How are you doing DR? Hope you're ok

LL

LL, thanks for your reply and for showing you care. All the drama going on between CG and members on the forum was such a distraction from the purpose of this site that I didn't find it helpful, so I backed away.

quote:

feeling vulnerable and exposed with our feelings within therapy and finding that the T can be trusted to respond to them in a nurturing and healing way?

quote:

you can cry but have no idea WHY you are crying (that is, if you’re anything like me, who can sometimes shed tears but for the life of me have no concrete sense of the cause of the tears, it’s as if I’m crying in a vacuum and so nothing changes and I learn nothing and my understanding doesn’t deepen. It also never makes me feel better .) Is that the sort of thing you are talking about here?

Yes! Yes! Yes! You hit the nail on the head. That is what I mean. I know I am grieving something but fail to figure out what that is at that moment. I think it means I need to connect to the reason for the tears instead of just having them and I need to let myself connect to the care shown by my T in the midst of them. I think, then, the tears will be most therapeutic. (((LL)))I hope we can find a way to do that in therapy so we can both feel better when it's over.

quote:

trauma has its own timetable and can’t be rushed

It seems I can't hear this enough. Thanks for the reminder! I need to give myself permission to take it as it comes and to be more patient with the process but it feels like it would be all over if I could just have enough proof of what I am remembering to come out of denial.

Today, I read a blog by someone with Complex PTSD (a diagnosis we share) and she described a response to her mother about her own abuse and then promised her mother that she would not tell anyone. Immediately, I felt body memories and a strong desire to crawl out of my skin!!! These feelings will not leave me! I am trying to cope by cleaning house but if my mind even thinks about why I am cleaning or what I am avoiding, it starts all over again. UGH. I know that distraction is a coping strategy but I want to know how to get rid of these intrusive memories. Will talking about them make them go away? It seems these type of memories are coming more and more often. They didn't used to happen this frequently. Is this a sign that they are trying to get out? LL, I know you do not share my traumatic history so the question is for anyone who understands how this works.

deeplyrooted

Hello there DR, glad you came back. Yeah I remember reading your post on that thread and you sounded as if you were getting ready to bolt so good for you for having the courage to return.

quote:

I think it means I need to connect to the reason for the tears instead of just having them and I need to let myself connect to the care shown by my T in the midst of them. I think, then, the tears will be most therapeutic.

This DR sets out clearly how I feel about tears in therapy. Two aspects both of which need to be there for it to be healing.

Having said that, I read Dragger’s reply and she makes a lot of sense too, about not actually needing to know all the time why one is crying. But generally I think the sympathy/empathy/compassion of the T for the tears is the main healing factor. The task seems to be allowing that caring in…

I’m sorry too about that blog triggering you. And I don’t blame you for wanting to get rid of the intrusive memories, I may not have them myself but I can certainly relate to how it must be making you feel. Again Draggers makes sense when she says that the more you can release those memories, the less of a hold they maintain over you and eventually fade away – that’s getting rid of them really, isn’t it?

Anyway just wanted to post to say I’m glad you came back and sending you lots of support and good thoughts to help you through this awful time. (((((( DR )))))))

LL

LL,

I am surprised to hear my post communicated signs of frustration. I was most concerned about the pain it was triggering but, in all the drama, that pain wasn't being addressed. It reminded me of too many childhood dynamics. I also felt that a newbie like me might not be trusted. Maybe that was the clue. Anyway, that's been put to rest and I still need the support here, so here I am. Thank you for letting me know I am not alone.

D:

Okay, I think now I get it. Your explanation is so clear to me. For the first time I have a safe person to whom I can let out my secrets and who will not react with rage or threaten me in any way. I will have a witness to the shame I feel and help wash some of that away as she witnesses the worst of me and will still accept me. She will not bolt out the door or call me a stupid sh** for not being all-knowing or all-powerful and not preventing something bad from happening. Her care is wrapped around all of that and that is why it will be a corrective experience. A do-over in a sense. I will still have to grieve the fact that I will have to be my own comforter in that she cannot replace the care and nurture of a parent who should have been there for me when these awful events first happened!

If/When I cry, because I am sad for what happened or sad that no one tried to comfort me, I will try to remember this is what care from another looks like and try to take it in. That is, if I can overcome the shame of needing her attention and care. It IS a comfort to know that I can cry in front of another person and that person is still in the room when I am finished. They haven't left me or belittled me in any way. I am not alone with my pain. I think I get so wrapped up in myself in the heat of the moment that I forget that she is still in the room and that I matter. I don't know if this is true but it feels like a hindrance that I do not remember how I felt as a child. I don't know if I held back tears or cried at the drop of a hat. I hardly have a memory with a parent in it so I don't have any positive or negative interactions to draw from. I can recall places and things but not interactions with people. For example: My mother married a man she barely knew when I was ten and divorced him when I was almost 14, yet, I have no memory of him living in our house. (I have only mentioned him once in therapy and I think the trigger yesterday had to do with him not the issue I have been trying to deal with). Can't my mind stick with just one event at a time?

My trauma memories only come back in bits and pieces but mostly all of them are emotional or somatic. It is rare for me to have a visual memory or know the meaning of my response. I might have parts that hold other aspects of the memories or the memories may be gone forever. I don't know yet. You mention your old T who said that the mind gives up what it needs to, when we are ready and not before. It's no wonder I chose the poem from Emily Dickenson for my quote.

quote:

“Some people laugh

.” This would be an interesting topic to discuss on the forum because I wonder why that is and how often it happens. I start laughing when my H raises his voice at me (which does not happen often, thankfully) and I promise you I can't control it. It boggles my mind because before starting therapy I had never done this. It drives my H nuts because initially he thinks I am discounting his feelings. I tell him I think the fear center of the brain must be near the laughing part of the brain and then he believes me. I also laughed a couple of times in couples therapy when the T wanted me to tell him what my husband does that makes me feel special. I am not sure why this made me laugh and I think it embarrassed my husband.

quote:

when you truly face them head on and not push them away but sit with them and accept them and understand them, then they seem to have less hold over you and dissipated.but its having the strength to actually sit there and feel every bit of the pain and the emotions. Its hard.

You are right it is hard! Very hard! You must be a strong person because I know you have been there, done that and it is NOT easy! I thought of the SIBAM model for dissociation in the book “The Body Remembers” when I ready your last comment. You probably know all this already but maybe it will help someone else. The SIBAM is the acronym for: Sensation, Image, Behavior, Affect, and Meaning. It is useful for understanding dissociation. Some traumatic memories fragment into memory elements. It says complete memory of an experience involves integrated recall of all of these elements. Once identified, missing elements can be brought back into the conscious awareness when the client is ready. Less distressing memories remain intact such as last night's dinner. However, some experiences may be too insignificant to encode fully into long-term memory. Flashbacks can come in the form of visual or auditory and are easily recognized as such. Less common are flashbacks that are emotional, behavioral, and/or somatic. Most of mine are one of the less familiar. I have understood this concept for years and yet I continue to deny that I am remembering anything at all. Like today, I am not feeling like I felt yesterday. It is as if it didn't happen. That is why it is important for me to talk about it here and have witnesses! Thanks for helping me with this piece of my journey.


Oh, and I did print out the story on the blog I was reading to share with my T. Good advice!!!

deeplyrooted

((((d))))
Thank you for your thoughtful response. I am so touched by the care of your therapist. Your T really does care about you. I am so glad you have that memory of her. It's a beautiful image.

quote:

i swear my head is just like a jigsaw puzzle, but I have 10 puzzles on the go at once mine are equally all over the place too

So what you are telling me is this is normal. I am so glad to know that I am not the only one and that this really is how the process works. Wow. Thanks for that!

When I have body memories my therapist believes they are a culmination of everything that happened to me sexually and not a result of a specific event. I am not sure I agree with her yet because sometimes I feel pain, other times I feel pressure or aching or pleasure and it usually depends on the subject at hand. Either way, I want an explanation for them! It took years for you to finally have a narrative to all the confusing and unexplained somatic memories of being in the closet. I am sorry you have to know your mother treated you with such disrespect. That is very sad.

quote:

it all makes sense when you have the narrative

I wonder if piecing that story together made the somatic memories stop and if you are glad to have an explanation for them.

Thanks for reminding me about the thread about body memories. I will take a look at them. I am sure I struggled with them then as much as I do now but maybe doing this will confirm some things for me.

Unfortunately, I am familiar with the reaction to sausage and the feeling of having a lump in my throat. I am sorry, really sorry. You are not alone on that one. It is no wonder your whole life is built on dissociation and denial. I also get sick to my stomach. We know why walking out of it is SO HARD!

Your mother is in denial and that is sad that you don't get her support! Looking from that from her would be like trying to squeeze water from a turnip. Apparently, to believe the truth would cost her too much. I understand that is not uncommon for many women who depend on their abusive spouse for financial support. I hope the more people are informed about the damage of abuse the more quickly and compassionately they will respond. Here's hoping!

BTW: I read somewhere that we are beautiful warriors when we fight for truth.

deeplyrooted

Thanks for the compliment, Blu!

Well, I didn't shed any tears during my last therapy session so I wasn't able to practice what has been discussed in this thread. My T, who usually doesn't assign homework, asked me to find an object that I can keep with me that will remind me of my childhood so that when I am triggered I will have something to remind me that I was once small and vulnerable and that the triggers are coming from a long time ago. She said I can use my childhood doll as the object when I am either at home or in her office (if I have it with me). I wanted this doll for Christmas when I was eight years old and my mother tried to talk me in to cuddly baby dolls and glamorous barbie dolls at the toy store but they were not the doll I wanted. For some sad reason I really wanted this doll even though she is not the doll most little girls would want. I have been embarrassed for having a doll like her. She really is pitiful. However, I am aware that she is a connection to my past and so I am beginning to pay more attention to her and I even try cuddling with her. As I do, I notice my emotions are slowly changing toward her.

Would it be okay to post a link to her picture?

deeplyrooted

Hi DR... I think it would be fine to post a link to her picture.

You are doing some really difficult work and doing it well. You have a good T and you work hard. I can really relate to that childhood connection to a doll.

Just wanted to offer you some support and encouragement.

Hugs
TN

Thanks for the good word, TN because I usually don't feel like I am doing this work well at all....but I am sure trying!

Here is a picture of my doll. http://www.toys.pop-cult.com/little-miss-no-name.html I wish I could remember the name I chose for her.
I am unsure of how old she is or if I should replace her burlap dress with something more soft and colorful.

deeplyrooted

Ohhh that is a sad looking doll. She obviously resonated with how you were feeling back then, for you to choose her as your doll. I think it's amazing you still have her and it's a real shame you can't remember her name.

Is there anyone in your family or amongst old friends who would remember what you called her? For some reason I think that's important, but maybe it's not as big a deal to you?

Do you want to change her dress? It sounds like this doll has a lot of significance to you, I hope she really helps you with your healing. ((((((((( DR ))))))))

LL

No, LL, no one in my family remembers her name. My oldest brother thinks it might be Isabella but he wasn't sure and that name didn't ring a bell for me, which isn't surprising, since I know that compiling a photo album of childhood photo's and two DVD's full of video taken in childhood did not trigger one memory for me.

I forgot to mention, in addition to finding an object to remind my of childhood, my T asked me to make a list of answers to the question, "what do I have to cry about?" and bring it to my next session. The list is proving that recovery from childhood wounds is largely through a long grieving process.

deeplyrooted

Never mind! Forget the left brain logic. What good does it do to know all of the reasons I have to cry? Yea, so what if I know the truth, what will that change? Nothing!!! The only thing about the past that changes is that I can name what happened. So what! I am still broken. I am still inadequate and immature and different than everyone else! What a waste. I will never be whatever I was could have been or should have been or whatever!

((((( DR ))))) No you can’t think like that! Don’t give up, it’s not all useless and a waste of time .

Things CAN and DO change – our perceptions and interpretations of things are open to change, that’s where the healing comes. The past is done, nothing can change the facts of it, but since when have facts been the issue anyway? Something awful happens to you as a kid – you end up with the belief that it reflects something bad about you. THAT is not fact and is well and truly open to change. That’s the point of doing all the feeling work, all the remembering and trying to make sense of things – so you can figure out where your current beliefs and self image and view of the world come from. And they are all open to change.

The sad part though is that yeah, maybe we’ll never be what we could have or should have been, all that potential wiped out by trauma and terror and pain. But I do believe it’s eminently possible to reclaim some of that potential and be content in doing so.

DR I hope I’m not dismissing how you’re feeling, I’ve often been in the place you’re in now (in terms of how you feel that is) and do get how frustrating and hopeless and despairing it all seems .

Just had to post and try and jolly you along a bit, you’re doing some really difficult and painful work at the moment, give yourself a break and take time out to be nice to yourself – the trauma’s not going anywhere, it’s endlessly there so no hurry to rush back into it.

Lots of hugs to you (((((((((( DR )))))))))))

LL

LL, You are very kind to me. I don't know where you found it but I really like the emoticon you chose. I needed that! Thanks for showing me some grace in the midst of my mess and for understanding even though you posted earlier that you do not have the same experiences. I guess you were referring to body memories? The pain can become so overwhelming at times that reason flies out the door.

I am thinking of the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance and can see that I have finally broken through denial and found some anger! I have lived in denial for so long that I am off-balance without it. I was comfortable with the tension it created inside me. Now I see why I was so afraid to bring facts and feelings together! THIS IS THE ISSUE that caused me to start this thread! I knew it was going to be messy. I knew it was just a matter of time. And I knew I needed to try and find some extra support to get me through it!

I understand that facing these horrific memories is part of that work and that I need to grieve them and come to terms with them if healing is to come. But I wonder, am I really going to feel better or am I just going to know why I feel and behave the way that I do? I also get that I am not bad but I do feel like I have wasted much of my life in denial and that grieves me. Not only do I have to admit the ugly facts to myself but I have to come to grips with knowing I also never received the comfort I so desperately needed. That makes me very, very sad!

quote:

the trauma’s not going anywhere, it’s endlessly there so no hurry to rush back into it.

For the longest time I thought this would all be over and I could get on with my life if I could just name what happened to me. Erroneous thinking...foolish! My dissociation is so strong that I wonder how I am to keep from retreating back into denial.

I hope I have better explained myself now that I am a little bit more rational.

deeplyrooted

quote:

The only thing about the past that changes is that I can name what happened. So what! I am still broken. I am still inadequate and immature and different than everyone else! What a waste. I will never be whatever I was could have been or should have been or whatever!

Hi DR... well that quote really resonates for me and I have hurled just those sentences at my own T. I will never be whatever I could have been... and he tells me that is correct. Maybe now I will be even better. He says I will always carry the scars of what happened but we can heal the wound and I can still find peace and go on to live my life and grow and do things that will make my life fulfilled. Who knows what we can accomplish even with the scars of the past.

I struggle with this and moreso since what happened with oldT. I felt that I was changing for the better and was feeling filled with life just before he left me. And so I've had to also dissociate myself from that growing changing person who now can never be. It's too painful to go back to "her" and so now I'm looking once again for myself.

Our experiences make us who we are. I do believe we can grow up again in therapy. And we can perhaps feel a little more like everyone else but we are also wiser and more compassionate towards others because of what we know about life. So maybe we ARE different but who is to say we can't finish our developmental stages in therapy and go on to live our lives more fully than we did before or we would have without the work of therapy.

Don't be too hard on yourself. This is still a work in progress for you.

About the doll... she is very sad and makes me want to give her a hug. I don't ever remember seeing this doll before. I'm sorry you don't know her name and have lost a lot of childhood memories. Maybe you can make new memories with her and buy her a new dress and put a bow in her hair. She has a good, loving home now and she is safe with you. She will be okay.

Hugs
TN

quote:

who is to say we can't finish our developmental stages in therapy and go on to live our lives more fully than we did before or we would have without the work of therapy.

TN, I know you are right. I think if I were able to allow myself to attach to my T I would believe I could fully heal but the thought of that stirs up too much shame. I was with my former T for almost five years before she terminated me and although I was unconsciously attached, I felt way too much shame to allow myself to feel attached to her. Does that make sense? This inability was part of the reason therapy failed with her. Like you, that termination really set me back. I am still reeling from that. Were you able to find something positive from your experience with former T? It feels like if I can do that it would help assuage some of the pain but maybe not. I have struggled to talk about that relationship with current T although she knows all about it.

I like how your current T normalizes the need to attach and is able to talk about it. It is wonderful that you are having this corrective experience! My feelings of shame might be alleviated if I had a T who could talk as freely about it as your T does. I guess if I could see my T twice a week might make it easier.

After all I had been through this past week I saw my T yesterday and we mostly talked about my mother. I began by sharing a list of the losses I experienced at each developmental stage of childhood and she took it from there. I noticed while reading the list that I had to choke back tears on two occasions. Had I let out those tears I would have made a mind/body connection in her presence but I suppressed them...once again. I don't know why I do that! I guess I need to ask her to stop and show me where I am suppressing or dissociating from my emotions. Isn't this something she should already know?


deeplyrooted