quote:

Originally posted by Attachment Girl:

Russ,
I agree with you that JM described it perfectly! I just wanted to tell you that this perfectly describes my mother also. My father disappeared after my parents divorced and left my mother to raise four children alone. And she managed, often working long hours in a factory to keep us clothed and fed. And I also, have really good memories of being wonderfully pampered when I was sick. So my mother is more mixed for me. And in some ways it was more ok to "lose" dad, I still had mom. I find it deeply ironic that it was less painful to face the damage done by the one who actually abused me and to forgive him, than it is to deal with my mom.

The pain is so much deeper because I think that to also lose mom would have been to lose everything. I also struggle with guilt because there was more good that flowed from her, and even in some ways, deep sacrifices. My T is spending a lot of time telling me that acknowledging my loss and anger does not make that good disappear or even become unknown.

AG

Thanks AG,

I was just saying in JM's other post that it's crazy how similar many of our parents are. I mean really.

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My T is spending a lot of time telling me that acknowledging my loss and anger does not make that good disappear or even become unknown.

That's a sign of an excellent therapist right there.

Russ

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I also struggle with guilt because there was more good that flowed from her, and even in some ways, deep sacrifices. My T is spending a lot of time telling me that acknowledging my loss and anger does not make that good disappear or even become unknown.

AG

First of all, thanks for all the great information you have given us. It gives me so much to think about, and a different perspective of what I need vs. what I want from my T. Of course I want that to be the same thing, but I realize that is not healthy or possible.

The other thing is something that I am having a hard time coming to terms with in my mind. I know that my mom had so much good flowing from her, and because of being adopted, I am so grateful for the life she gave me. And I never thought that being unable to express my emotions was a problem for me. After all, being "weepy" and "whiny" and "needy" was a weakness in my mind. Well now after 2+ years of therapy (and my mom passing away) I am seeing things in a much different light. While she cared very deeply for me, she was never able to show/teach me that it was ok or normal to have emotions, and to ask for comfort for those emotions. I'm trying to believe that she did the best she could. That she did what she knew how to do because of the way she was raised. But, the guilt I feel for "blaming" her for my issues is very hard to bear. That, and feeling like I have been abandoned again, create so much more anxiety in me and tend to make me feel so much more needy for my T. I am too much of a black and white person and I know that I have to realize that the fact that she did not give me the nurturing she should have, does not make her a bad person. My resistance to this has really interfered with my therapy. Thanks for putting it in print as it makes me see that I really need to work on this to get to the next level.

PL