Sorry to break this to you, Yaku...but you can't have that title, because I already have it (WMITW)!
LOL Just kidding.
(((((Yaku))))) I always love it when you talk about your Boo. Your love for and devotion to her always comes through so strong in everything you write about her.
And I hope you don't think this is too weird of an association, but growing up I had a very beloved cat named Boo (she was a calico stray we found on our doorstep on Halloween when I was five years old) so that name also just happens to have a really strong positive association for me. So hearing about her makes me smile on multiple levels.
Anyway...I will respect what you asked, and not go on about how you're not really a horrible failure. But I did want to say, I have two daughters, and I also routinely spiral down into feelings of "mommy failure" when I see what they don't get from me that they should be getting, for reasons exactly like the ones you mentioned. I often have the despairing feeling of the well running dry, scraping the bottom of the barrel, running on fumes. And I hate it.
It is probably the worst feeling I experience, and I am very sorry that you are feeling like that right now. "Mommy failure" is a routine topic of conversation in my therapy. My T consistently points out whatever I do "right" with them in a very patient effort to counteract it. She also says she recognizes I'm not perfect, but just wants me to see how remarkable it is that I can give them certain things that I didn't get from my own mother.
It reminds me of something I read on the wall in the room where my first daughter was born. It probably has a name and an author, but I can't remember what those were. All I remember is, it said my daughter doesn't need a perfect mom, only one that's "good enough". It choked me up then because I felt SO overwhelmed with this new huge responsibility. It still chokes me up now because it is SO true. We don't have to be perfect...which is good, because we can't be...but even more importantly, to just be there for them to help them recognize and express and work through the inevitable disappointments. Including (gulp) the ones we have a hand in.
My T also says, when I'm particularly down on myself and can't seem to take this in, sometimes she wishes she could just "throw grace" all over me. So that is what I would like to pass on to you. My T's shower of grace.
Hug,
SG
