Liese, sorry you are feeling like that. Yes, I know the feeling and it's horrible and hurts so much.

(((Liese)))

I totally understand this feeling because I live it every second of every day. I don't have an H or even a SO in my life, so my snuggling consists of me and my pillows. It sucks.

I'm learning that no one is unlovable, including me, and including you Liese!

(((((Liese)))))

Thanks BG, Daisy, and Room2Grow,

I wonder where the feeling comes from?? Do you think it's when when we deny ourselves our emotions? I can't think of anything that happeend in the environment that triggered it.

quote:

I wonder where the feeling comes from?? Do you think it's when when we deny ourselves our emotions? I can't think of anything that happeend in the environment that triggered it.

For me, I think it comes from the fact that love was not unconditional in my life growing up AT ALL. Everything came with a pricetag, and often, the payment was due well after the love was given, leaving me even more confused and hurt. I mean, kids are supposed to be taken care of, right? They aren't supposed to be taken care of once they do whatever it is they are supposed to do.

I know for me, I don't like feeling any emotion, because everything connects back to my lack of self-worth and feeling that I don't deserve love, nor do I want it, cause if you love me, you are eventually going to really, really hurt me, and I can't hold up to the pain of that hurt. It's really lousy stuff to be wading through, and it's what we're working on in session right now, so it's really, really raw

Frosty, I wonder the same thing - why people are nice to me. I have only 3 close friends, and I want to ask them why they are friends with me, but that would be weird, I think. I have many acquaintances, and I think you put it well:

quote:

I guess they must see something in me that is stronger than the weirdness of my behaviors.

I have been trying to find the perfect snuggle buddy for almost two years with no luck. I actually want to find a pattern for a teddy bear and make one, but haven't yet found the right one. I'm glad you bought yourself one Frosty - it makes me feel less freakish for wanting one!

I often wonder where it all comes from too, there is nothing obvious in my life that could account for it. While my chilhood wasn't perfect it wasn't that bad either.


[QUOTE]:
I often wonder why I have friends. Who would possibly want to be around me and put up with my countless phobias and strange behaviors that I cannot really hide.

I think this too, but in my case it is my up and down moods that make me wonder why my friends put up with me when sometimes I can barely string a sentance together.

R2G, I know it might seem weird to ask your friends why they are friends with you but I have (my T asked me too) and I'm glad I did, as permafrost says they really do see things in us that we are incapable of seeing ourselves.

I've been thinking about getting a cuddly toy, but was thinking it really was weird to want one when I'm 34. I'm so glad someone else thinks a toy is a good idea even if we are adults.

Liese,

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. You are not crazy or unloveable. I am intimately acquainted with these feelings that you speak of and it is a terrible and lonely feeling. I'm not exactly sure what triggers it, but for me it comes from not being accepted and cared for by my parents, especially my mother.

I think I read something lately about how it is common to feel this way...maybe it was in my Codependency book or maybe about something else. I cannot tell you how many times in my journaling that I share with T, I have reflected on how something must be intrinsically wrong or defective within me for me to not be able to connect with people, even those who have chosen to be in my life. Something was wrong with me, so my father left me with an obviously unstable mom to give his love to his new wife instead of his daughter. Something was wrong with me, so my mom could not offer me anything beyond manipulation, threats or emotional abuse. Maybe when I was too young to remember, I had shown her I was not worthy or capable of receiving her love. Something was wrong with me, so even though other adults knew about how neglectful (or abusive) my home life was, they did nothing to get me out of there. And because no one took care of me, I tend to see the relationships and the love I do have as either pity (not genuine acceptance of me as a person), a lie due to social niceties or a manipulation, because they need something from me. And so, when people show they love me, tell me what they like about me, try to give me ANYTHING, I push them away by refusing to receive their care. Because, it's obviously a either a lie of some sort or they just don't know me well enough to hate me like I deserve, like they inevitably will.

Anyway, I'm not trying to bum you all out or trigger anyone, and I'm sorry if I did. I guess I'm just trying to put a voice to all these thoughts that are in the background. To me, they feel very real. And you guys will probably say, that's ridiculous! Yaku seems like a cool enough person. So, if all of us can just pause here for a moment and realize that every other person (except ourselves and the bastards who put this message in our head in the first place) is probably saying the same thing about us, than maybe we can step back from this message, even if just for this moment.

Liese, BG, Daisy, R2G, Frosty, STRM...

Sending my love to all of you, because you are all very lovable, just by the nature of being you. You were designed to need and receive the care that someone didn't offer you and the reason that happened was because something was broken in them, not because something was broken in you. And, if I may go further, it's OK to be angry that their brokenness has robbed you of the ability to receive or believe in the care of others. (((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))

Liese, I am so sorry you are feeling this way. ((((Hugs))))))

Some of the times in my life that I felt the most unloved was when I was in relationships.

(((((Liese)))))

I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. It's really painful- and you don't deserve it. You were created to be loved- that is your reason for being! So when parents don't it leaves us with this shitty feeling for the rest of our lives, unless we can find ways to deal with it and overcome it. I too have a husband who would love to be snuggled. But I just can't do it. I'm too empty. It sounds like you and I, and so many of us in therapy are all kinda in the same boat. Just hang in there, Liese- another day will be a bit better, if you can just hang in there. I'm so sorry for your pain. ((((((Liese))))))

BB

quote:

He is loving and affectionate and supportive and you'd think it would be sufficient, and actually for the adult me it is. But for the little me...well he may as well be on another planet, because he can never reach that part of me.

Monte - Yes, this is exactly it. T is coaxing the little one out...and she is so scared she will be rejected again. I'm learning what it means for someone to be careFUL with that part of me...and I am sad and angry that no one was when they were supposed to. And...I'm angry at T for making me feel like someone might love me, because I'm certain I do not get to have that experience, because of my brokenness.

Liese - I don't know if any of this resonates with you, but sending you lots of (((((hugs))))) and hope you know how glad I am to have "met" you here.

quote:

Yes, this is exactly it. T is coaxing the little one out...and she is so scared she will be rejected again. I'm learning what it means for someone to be careFUL with that part of me...and I am sad and angry that no one was when they were supposed to. And...I'm angry at T for making me feel like someone might love me, because I'm certain I do not get to have that experience, because of my brokenness.

Yaku, you put this perfectly for me. When I was with OldT ... towards the end, I would say in the last 3 months or so he really started to coax little me to come out. He sent me a video and lyrics to the Teddy Bear Picnic song. I was so touched and in such a deep way that I cried for days every time I read his email or watched that video. He was carefully allowing the inner child to peak out and when she did she saw this kind, gentle person there and as she tried to make herself more known, including the anger and hurt that she held for SUCH a long time.....well then she was abandoned, terminated.....banished from her T. How could we be so foolish to allow ourselves to become so vulnerable? How could I as the adult here, allow anyone that close to me, to all the pain and hurt and damage and brokenness inside of me. When my T saw that, he ran away from it, rejected us, called the police to take us away and never to be seen again.

My new T has done something today that has triggered me so badly and I'm such a mess right now. I have stupidly allowed myself to move closer to him, only to be disappointed once again. I'm so triggered back to the trauma with oldT that I just want to run away from him and therapy and everyone around me. I want to hide away and lock that kid in the closet where she belongs. How can I ever trust again or believe that this part of me can be accepted?

My oldT recreated my traumatic past so perfectly. He reenacted almost every trauma and hurt done to me in a relationship what was SUPPOSED to be a safe one. Where I could depend on him not to abandon me and he did it anyway...knowing where my vulnerabilites were and especially the hurt of the child part.

Not sure the grief of what was lost in childhood (or with my oldT) will ever end.

TN

TN - I'm so sorry your NewT has triggered all this hurt. It is unconscionable that your OldT would, knowing the damage he could cause, abandon you in such a way. I know I haven't heard the whole story, but the bits and pieces I have heard make me so angry for you. I know it seems strange for me to go to this "Mommy" place when I read peoples' posts, but every time I hear about your OldT, I feel like I'm witnessing another parent being bad to their child and I want to intervene. Why draw us out, ask us to risk exposing that scared, hurt little one...if they are not willing to face her pain, her anger, her need? As far as I can see, my T is steady and trustworthy...obviously, he cannot be perfect, but I think he will work through those imperfections. Yet, still, it is such a risk. It feels like life and death to let him even see that part of me. And this little girl is confused, because she wants to be seen, but she feels safer being invisible. And she doesn't know whether she is angry at "me" for locking her away from anyone who might love her or if she understands I am just trying to keep her safe from those same people failing to be able to love her like she needs. I'm not sure I am even making any sense...

Was away from my computer all day at a party and was overwhelmed by the responses. It seems like this topic resonates with a lot of us. I just want to send out a big (((((HUG))))) to everyone. Expressing that feeling of being unloved actually helped to quell it for a time. I think usually I just act out or move away from people when I feel that but I don't say, I need to feel loved right now. can you hug me? or whatever. It really helped a lot. I "enjoyed" (for lack of a better word) reading all of your stories as well. Thanks for sharing with me.

((((TN)))))) Hoping you are okay and want you to know we are here when and if you need to talk.

Liese

(((((Liese))))))

Big hugs- you are really sweet. I just had to say that.

BB

(((TN))))


Concerned about you and wondering if you would like to start a thread about what happened with NewT. I would hate for there to be a rupture with him. The relationship has been so healing up to this point. Really concerned about this situation. Sending you positive vibes and hugs.

Dear Liese
So many of us feel this way and live with it always, so feel for you lady You do have people in your life who love you - you have to find a way of letting it in!

What held you back from cuddling up to your H?

I know I'm unlovable as I only have 2 friends - 1 in town and 1 200 kms away and don't seek out people at all anymore!! Just the dog and me - it's okday that way!!

Oh yes, like frosty I bought a teddy after Christmas.
Take care
Morgs

The inability to take in love is a result of our abusive/neglectful childhoods. It does not mean we are unlovable!! It is so painful to intellectually know this, but to still be burdened with this feeling of inadequacy. So unfair!! Even as I type this, I am thinking maybe I am lovable....but no one really loves me....
We are all lovable!!
seablue

(((((MORGS))))) (((((SEABLUE))))))

I don't believe that either of you are unlovable for one minute. It's just all that old crap in there. Keep working and I will too!!

((((HUGS)))))

TN, Thinking of you!! So sorry you are hurting. I hope you can post about what happened when you are ready.
seablue