feeling anxious, activated, annoyed, abandoned

T and I had an appointment scheduled today. She was supposed to call me at a set time and is now 50 minutes late! It dawned on me awhile ago that today is Columbus Day and perhaps she's not actually working today and scheduling me was a mistake.

So, I called her cell phone about ten minutes ago to see if we are still on, and she didn't answer. Her voice mail picked up, but I couldn't even leave a message because it said her inbox was full. :/

She's been up to forty minutes late before, but I had hoped that those instances would be rare. Unfortunately not. I don't know if I can handle the anxiety of working with this person! Perhaps I will quit therapy. I can't believe she is doing this to me. One time I showed up at her office and she wasn't there at all. I hung around in the waiting room for 20 minutes before another T found me and told me my T had taken the day off because of a family emergency-- apparently the receptionist was supposed to call all her clients and cancel but I was forgotten. I understand emergencies happen and mistakes happen but it was still so triggering, and at my next session T never even mentioned it. I tried to forget about it but now I am being flooded by memories of all the times I've felt this kind of anxiety in connection with her.

I really wanted to have my session today. I planned my daughter's nap around it, but now she will likely be awake by the time T calls, if T calls. It just bothers me so much that I don't know if she is just really late or if we aren't talking today. I wish she had answered her phone. Even if she does call now, I won't be able to talk, between my daughter being awake and needing me and the fact that I'm expecting visitors (my mom and sister) in the next half hour or so. I know they will be here at least because they called and told me they were on their way.

Sheesh! I was hoping my T could help me fix the anxiety issues I have that I suspect are more or less due to my mother, but who is causing me anxiety now? And who does it turn out I can rely on after all? The irony here is striking.

Phew. Thanks for letting me vent, people. I feel a little better now. . .

10/10/111:24 PM

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True NorthCo-moderator

hic... I am terribly sorry that your T did not keep her appointment with you. There really is no excuse for her not getting in touch with you... except that she is human and prone to mistakes but still... having done this more than once makes it less excusable in my book.

I would be beyond hurt and furious if I showed up at my Ts office and he was not there. I'm sorry that happened to you. What did she tell you after that happened?

We go to great pains to prepare and arrange our lives for therapy and at least they can uphold their end of the commitment and show up. I hope you will let her know how this made you feel and how hurt you are. I'm glad you could have this outlet here to let your feelings be heard.

TN

10/10/111:37 PM

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heldincompassionMember

(((TN))) Thanks for understanding. It's been another half hour so I guess T isn't going to call after all. I'm not sure if I will let her know how this hurt and disappointed me, because I'm not sure I feel like talking to her about it or anything else. Maybe I will later.

quote:
I would be beyond hurt and furious if I showed up at my Ts office and he was not there. I'm sorry that happened to you. What did she tell you after that happened?

She never said anything about it at all. The other T scheduled another appointment for me, and when I showed up the next week T acted like nothing had happened and I did the same thing because it seemed easiest and most gracious. I can't keep setting myself up for this kind of thing, though. . .

10/10/111:58 PM

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scaredtoriskmyselfCo-moderator

HIC,

Wow, I'm really sorry that your T did this. I can see how this pattern of behavior would lead to trust issues. I think it really needs to be discussed because it's not okay for a T to just not show up or not call for a scheduled session.

10/10/116:05 PM

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heldincompassionMember

Thanks, STRM. My T has always (so far) been wonderful when we're actually in session. She's present, attuned, and in many ways very helpful to me. Because of these things, I had decided that her flakiness about scheduling, punctuality, etc. was a quirk I could live with and that it didn't effect the quality of the therapy I have with her, but unfortunately it is now becoming a problem for me and I think you are right that it is one that will need to be addressed. I've been feeling kinda shaky and lost all afternoon and evening. I keep wondering if I did something wrong, or if she doesn't like me for some reason, even though I realize that rationally speaking these are highly unlikely factors for what could be causing her absenteeism.

I'm also a little worried about T (hope saying this is not triggering for anyone) because she never contacted me at all (I've been expecting to hear from her for hours) and I even tried calling again, but just like earlier-- no answer and her voice mail said that her inbox is full.

10/10/117:49 PM

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scaredtoriskmyselfCo-moderator

HIC,

I can see why you would be worried since she isn't responding at all. I'm sure she is probably fine but I definitely understand the concern. Perhaps she had a family emergency or something like that and so the call slipped her mind and that's why she isn't answering. I'm sure it was a mistake, but I can also see how it would be upsetting and need to be talked about. I'm glad that she is great in session. That is good to hear.

I hope you get a response soon.

10/10/118:11 PM

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heldincompassionMember

Instead of trying again to call her directly, this morning I called the office where she works and spoke to the receptionist. I just asked if my T was there today. . . the receptionist said no but didn't offer any explanation. I said I didn't want to leave a message. Maybe something terrible has happened. I want to try T's cell phone again but I'm not sure if that is an okay thing for me to do or not? Does anyone have any advice?

I don't want to be an annoying client, but at the same time I'm not actually the one in the wrong here. . . somehow my sense of social suavity (lol) is deserting me and I'm really not sure if it's okay for me to try and make contact again. I'm just feeling so anxious and unhappy over this. Ugh. Maybe I do need meds.

10/11/111:27 PM

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heldincompassionMember

Update:

Okay, so, I did actually manage to connect with T this afternoon. She said an emergency had come up with another client, she had forgotten about me, and then she got too busy to call. Somewhat lame, imo, but she did apologize, saying she was very sorry, etc.

I explained the intense anxiety her unexplained absence threw me into, and I suppose she responded well enough. She heard, accepted, and validated how I was feeling. She apologized again, profusely and even said she felt horrible about having created a situation that made me feel that way. That made me feel a bit better. It's not that I want T to feel horrible or anything, but I liked knowing she felt something other than annoyance that client 342 was giving her a headache.

And so. . . after some wavering, I agreed to her scheduling a session for me next week. Hope springs eternal, I guess. Either that or I'm too dumb to learn from the past. She didn't give me any assurance that this would not happen again, and although I realize she responded appropriately, I did not feel a real sense of connection to her when we talked. It was more like two people acting out a script, except for when she mentioned feeling horrible and sounding like she meant it, at least a little.

Hope I'm not being too hard on her, it's just that this was so very hard for me. Glad at least that she's okay.

10/11/116:17 PM

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True NorthCo-moderator

hic... I'm glad you were able to reach her and speak to her about what happened. I don't think her excuse was a good one but she is human I guess. What concerns me is that this was not the first time she messed up. And of course this threw you into anxiety and she should know that. At least you felt heard and that she was sincerely regretful that she did this to you.

I hope when you finally get your session that you are able to feel the connection to her and you can talk about this. I do think it's imperative that you discuss her "no-show" in a session where you can let her know how this made you feel and how it was difficult to feel a connection back to her. This is where the work gets done.

I'm glad you came here to post about this so at least you had a safe place to vent.

Take care
TN

10/11/116:48 PM

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heldincompassionMember

Thanks TN for the support and understanding. I wish you were my T.

Seriously though, I'm now having very mixed feelings about having scheduled that next session at all. I felt okay for a little while after talking to T, but now the pain of the last day and a half has returned to me, along with flashbacks of the anxiety that I experienced sitting there with my phone for an hour and a half wondering what was wrong. I never thought I would say this, but I literally feel scared of T because I associate that pain with her. How do I know she won't hurt me like that again? I also feel sick, which I guess is just early pregnancy, but this sure hasn't helped.

Anyway, I am really glad that I have this forum as a safe place to vent, like you said. It helps.

10/11/117:44 PM

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