Hello kmay, may I gently observe that you don't really trust her, or you wouldn't have the urge to flee. You may want to trust her, but at least a part of you is not convinced. I do not know your story so I could not speculate on whether or not she is actually worthy of complete trust or whether your alarm bells are indeed ringing falsely. If it is the latter, I wish I had some wisdom to help you overcome it, but my ex-T has set me quite a ways backward in that area.

Listen to the parts of you that are afraid and try to figure out what it is they are afraid of. Try to validate those fears, give reassurance for what you can, and negotiate about how to lower the risk factor for some of those things.

Your fears are very legitimate, and your desire to form an attachment anyway is also legitimate. You have to find the middle ground between the two.

nicely put, BLT. kmay, i'm struggling with the same issues now as well (actually have been since last november ... and before!). at the moment i don't have any solid answers, but what BLT said is a good place to start. the desire to go to therapy is huge, but equally huge is the voice that says "no, you don't need to become attached to this person". i feel your very real struggle, and i'll be following this thread for sure. ((((kmay)))) i know how hard it is.

if you do trust her, i strongly encourage you to continue on in spite of the part that says "don't go back". personally, for me, not having a set appointment was nothing less than pure torture (for 7 long months! yes, it took 7 months for the part that wanted to go back to finally trump the part that said "no!" and muster the courage to go back), purely because of those conflicting feelings. and it WAS torturuos, i'm not kidding! you may be different, but that was my experience.

i feel for you and i hope you continue to ponder your feelings here. maybe we can help each other. good luck, (((kmay))).

quote:

I'm finally starting to feel attached to new T. I trust her. I believe she can help me.

Kmay. The quote above is your answer. They are the lovely and beautiful feelings that happen when you are attaching. They come from the present day and they are real and in front of you and are now.

What you said after it - is history talking and what happened before and all your scary experiences. You can overcome it by focussing on the attachment and the relationship and just keep turning up to sessions and working through the fear with your T.

This is what happened to me...and still does.

Somedays

What SD said is very wise!

Attachment in therapy is so hard! I've been struggling with the attachment, fearing the attachment, fearing the vulnerability that comes from the attachment, and then tons of shame for being attached. Ugh. So many emotions! I've so wanted to run too, but I have kept going back and talking about it (which is obviously hard). I think that's the way through it though. Keep talking about it, if you can. Like BLT said, your fears are legit and it is so understandable given your past experiences that you'd fear attachment and want to run the minute you suspect it.

Have you talked to your T about your growing attachment to her? How has she responded?

Thank you so much for all your responses,

Mad Hatter - I had a T previous to this one that I saw for a very long time. I trusted her completely with everything in me. It ended badly. I got very hurt. I was very attached. So yes, maybe I don't fully trust her yet. Maybe the fact that I am starting to trust her and I am feeling attached is what is making me want to run. I don't know. Thank you for your input

BLT - I am so afraid of getting hurt again. Attachment feels wrong to me after what happened with old T. Yet, I know the therapy relationship can't work without it. We are in the middle of working through traumas. Something tells me, stop now, before you get in too deep with her b/c it will end badly anyway. I don't know if that makes sense?

(((CD))) - Yes, it feels like torture. That is a good way to put it. I texted with her last night about posible appointment times. The only one I can really make is this afternoon, but I haven't texted back yet. Everything in me is screaming no! Don't go! I'm sorry that you are having a tough time with this too (((CD))).

RT - I know I need to talk to her about it to get it worked out. I't such a hard thing to talk about. We have already, sort of. She has reassured me over and over that she is not going anywhere. She says she understands my fears b/c she is in the same "role" as old T. She says all the correct reassuring things and I believe her in the moment. Then the second I leave her office, everything in tells me it's all a lie.

SD - Thank you. You are correct and that is great advice, like Erica said

Erica - I have not talked in depth with her about it yet, no. I do need to do that huh? Funny, it seems harder to do that, than to talk about the traumas we are processing.
Perhaps, I will make my appointment for today and talk with her about it. Maybe....

Boo! What a tough mess

Thank you so much everyone for your responses. I will update you.

Well, I went to the appointment yesterday. I didn't talk to her about my feelings...of course
We did work on some more trauma so at least that was helpful.
She is gone on vacation for the next week and I feel kind of relieved about that...weird I know. But not aganizing over weather or not to go to an appointment next week feels nice.
I have not set up an appointment for the following week yet.
Hmmmm...we shall she what happens. What a struggle

Hi Kmay. I have not read through all the replies so i hope i am not repeating something that someone else has said. These are my thought:. You NEED to have an attachment in therapy, it is how trust is built and how healing begins, it is an integral part of the therapy. If your therapist is good, he/she will turn the experience of attachment, love, trust etc into a good experience for you. TRY and keep in the back of your mind that this therapy is there for you to USE to implement the changes you want - you need some attachment for you to be able to do that. TRY to change your psyche as to how you deal with the therapy. Say to yourself "I accept that i will become attached. I accept that i will probably fall in love. I accept that going through these difficult emotions will hurt and frighten me. I accept that i probably need to go through these emotions to be able to deal with the problems i have and want to change. I accept that although i want to make a friend out of my therapist what i really NEED is therapy. TALK to your therapist about all of these emotions - it will most positively help you break through that barrier of fear of attachment and dependency. Just go with the flow and REMEMBER that everything you feel in therapy, everything that you feel about your therapist, everything that you feel about trust/attachment is NORMAL and that if you find the courage to work through all this with your therapist you will slowly find the changes you have been looking for, you will grow as a person, you will discover strengths you thought you never had and that feeling that "i will curl up and die if therapy ever ended" will disappear slowly and trust me when i say that when you are ready to say goodbye to your therapist it WILL NOT hurt as much as you think it will right now. Be honest with your therapist, be open to change and have the strong desire to change and just hang in there - keep pushing through the discomfort and use it to your advantage. Good luck. Don't run, just take a deep breath and dive in.

Have courage, are you a therapist or have you gone through therapy? I am asking because I LOVE your response to kmay. It really hit home for me and I hope it does for kmay. I need to do you what you suggest in the worst way. I am so stuck in therapy and it all revolves around me being afraid of my attachment and dependency to my T. I am completely attached to her but am so afraid to talk to her about it. What if she finds me disgusting for talking about how much I like her. I have danced away from talking about it for years. I need and want to do what you are instructing. I am sick and tired of being stuck, so I need to find the courage to tackle this. Thank you for the eye-opener.

Have Courage,
...exactly what I needed to hear. Always easier said than done though right?
I really appreciate you taking the time to write out your response to me.

quote:

Just go with the flow and REMEMBER that everything you feel in therapy, everything that you feel about your therapist, everything that you feel about trust/attachment is NORMAL and that if you find the courage to work through all this with your therapist you will slowly find the changes you have been looking for, you will grow as a person, you will discover strengths you thought you never had and that feeling that "i will curl up and die if therapy ever ended" will disappear slowly and trust me when i say that when you are ready to say goodbye to your therapist it WILL NOT hurt as much as you think it will right now.

- Yup that pretty much hits the nail on the head.
IF I set another appointment with her, I KNOW that I have to talk about this. Thank you again.

(((((Becca))))) - Yes, hit home for me too. We are in the same boat Becca. Hugs to you...

Hi Have Courage,

Your response has struck a few chords here

I'm hoping you ARE a therapist and can maybe answer my question (hijack?), because I've had an experience that seems to differ slightly from the norm--i.e., it was my T who ran!

I resisted attachment for years, then became extremely attached, and when I tried to do the work of therapy from that angle (relying on the emotional support/connection with T), felt completely shut out by my T (who had previously been very warm and supportive). When I tried to discuss how I felt the connection had been lost, my T refused to discuss it, telling me I needed to focus on the work, not the relationship....

What am I missing? Is there a point at which Ts are supposed to withdraw from the attachment?? Surely it's not within the first few months of the attachment forming? I feel abandoned/rejected and not sure I can "do the work" without the good feeling of connection...

Any thoughts? Anyone?

Thanks--and sorry for the hijack; it was the response from Have Courage that hooked me. Sorry.

RabbitEars

RE my guess is that your T freaked out and withdrew because of something unresolved in her that was triggered by your comments. that is in no way your fault; as the T its their job to mind the boundaries and work on their own issues that interfere with their ability to deeply connect with their patients and handle intense attachment feelings. individuals with significant trauma need to experience that attachment relationship in all its complexities and intensity to heal and grow. Your feelings of abandonment and rejection are valid and you have every right to feel angry and let down. I think doing any therapy work is close to impossible without a connection and for someone with attachment trauma, it is impossible.
so sorry it happened

Hi Becca. I am glad that my reply to Kmay struck a good cord with you. No i am not a therapist - but have been through therapy. But the fact that you thought i might be a therapist is probably the BEST example i can show you on how working through all your emotions with your therapist can turn into a positive thing. You will develop your own insights and strengths. I know the feeling of being stuck in therapy!!, but to get through this, talk to your therapist - get that elephant out of the therapy room. Your therapist WILL NOT, I REPEAT WILL NOT be disgusted by your feelings towards her - again Becca this feeling that you feel she will reject you in some way (be disgusted) should be spoken about - it would help YOU solve where those feelings come from!! A very good discussion and session would come from this talk. If you find this impossible or too scary to just come straight out with it - use a third person story or tell her you have been reading about attachment and dependency and liking/loving your therapist - ask her a few questions on what she feels about the subject - and see where the talk goes to. If you are still not comfortable with it. Tell her just that. You could say - "This is how i feel, i am sooooo scared to talk about this - i am afraid of what feeling it might invoke in you, i feel you might reject me, and I KNOW this is why i am stuck in therapy - and you could add..."That is all i wanted to say for now -this is difficult for me and i want to take it slowly and digest what this is about.- BUT, i do need your help and i DO NEED to be able to talk to you about this, about the feelings that you will reject me". Becca the fact that you have discovered on your own why you are "stuck" in therapy is a huge step forward. BUT, please try and remember that although you have all these feelings for her - you are in therapy to find that "healing relationship" - and to get through whatever problems you may have - it is NOT to make friends with her - THIS will only cause you a great deal of unnecessary pain. Accept that you like her a great deal - you need a therapist NOT a friend - a friend cannot implement the changes you need to become who you want to become ONLY a therapist can do this by nature of the work she does. I can't emphasis enough how important that is - keep your psyche on the therapy and NOT on the therapist. Easier said than done, BUT it can be done and is so very important for you. Hope all goes well.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Becca:
Hi Becca. I have replied to your message, but it came up on page 2!! Sorry i did not see that i could reply beneath each name. Dah!!!

Hi Kmay. I am so glad that my response was what you needed to hear. I would say to you exactly what i have said to Becca, so cannot add too much more except to say that you are ABSOLUTELY right it is easier said than done....BUT can you ever think of a situation in your life where you have been afraid to do/say something and when you do finally decide to take action, you think to yourself "that really was not as bad as i thought it was going to be"? AND usually from that experience - although you might not consciously feel it - you HAVE grown in some small way. Life is about experiencing the good and the bad. Again, though, like i told Becca try and think of a creative way to talk to your therapist about this and gradually work up to it - do it in your own time in your own way... good luck.

Thanks for replying HC. One thing I do have going for me is, I most certainly don't want my T as my friend. I do understand how valuable she is to me in the role that she has. I have leaned on her a great deal through the years but have just not climbed the hill the whole way. I want to get there in order to move on in my life. I want to feel like a full-fledged adult.

Again thank you for your words. I am going to reread them before my session next week.

Hey kmay, let me know if you followed down the same path when you get the chance. We can do it.

Hi RabbitEars. Firstly, I am so, so sorry that your therapist has made you feel abandoned/rejected. Those are horrible, horrible feelings and my heart goes out to you.

Secondly, I am not a therapist, and i can see that you would feel more comfortable if this response came from a therapist, and i can absolutely identify with and understand that. But i have been in therapy, still am in therapy and when i read this post, i felt for Kmay and all the responses of what everyone seems to go through when in therapy re attachment.

Thirdly, because i am not a therapist, i don't want, in your particular experience, to be absolute in my reply, as i don't know what your therapist might me trying to achieve, what type of therapy she is giving you and even if i did, i am in no way experienced enough to make too many comments. So please take what i say as not absolute - this is very important.

BUT, what i can do is just give you what my opinions/experiences are - what i feel about what you have said and hope from that, that you gain a little insight into what is happening FOR YOURSELF.

From what i gather and have read about/experienced myself...attachment happens when we start to trust someone. This is a NEED/DESIRE, a very normal human response. This does not just happen in therapy - it happens in all our relationships, just in varying degrees of attachment/dependency. The thing with therapy is that it is a "unique" relationship. It is in someways a "false" relationship - actually might be better to say "a passing relationship, a one sided relationship", IT HAS TO BE.

I attached and became dependent because i did not have that NEED fulfilled as a child and so led to great self esteem/trust/abandonment/anxiety of attachment problems for me. I think and believe that when we have not had these needs met in childhood or have experienced some kind of trauma, we go into therapy, and we start to feel/think that maybe, just maybe we can trust this person - attachment and the desire for a "healing relationship" WILL happen. All those emotions of wanting a mother/father figure, wanting a friend, wanting a lover - someone who YOU feel will fill that need comes out in therapy - AND that is the place where these emotions SHOULD come out because this is where you will find the "healthy" way of dealing with those needs that may have never been met as a child. BUT REMEMBER, your therapist can NEVER fulfill those desires, she/he are there to HELP you through those NEEDS/DESIRES by giving you the tools to be able to do this.

My experience was all of those feelings above, wanting a mother figure/wanting a best friend. I am a female, my therapist a female, i am married BUT in amongst all the desires and confusion i experienced, i also questioned my sexuality - THIS AGAIN is normal - it happens - although they are VERY confusing at the time. BUT i discovered that all the desires of wanting a stable figure in my life came down to one single emotion and meaning - WE WANT TO BE CARED ABOUT/FOR. So all those feelings of love/like/mother/father/friend all rolled into one emotion of CARING.

But therapy becomes confusing in the sense of not just dealing with wanting those needs of someone caring fulfilled, but ALSO having to deal with the negative feelings of what we feel about our parents or whatever it is that took us to therapy in the first place, the anger, frustration, disgust, bewilderment, whatever the negative emotions are. What can happen though is, i think, in my experience, because you start to trust your therapist and you feel you love/like them etc you start to PROJECT the negative feelings onto your therapist. I believe it is a subconscious desire to PROJECT. Something our therapist says, makes us angry and we react accordingly - usually blaming the therapist when in fact the angry reaction is an emotion towards whoever/whatever we went to therapy for in the first place. It is apart of unraveling all those negative emotions.

When we have been traumatized for whatever reason - we become HYPER SENSITIVE to other peoples reactions towards us - and even more so in the therapeutic setting/relationship. We will continue to monitor their reactions towards us. "do they like me", "do they care about me", "have i said something stupid" etc. Because of that continual monitoring, looking out for, fear of abandonment, IT WILL HAPPEN where you will read a situation that really is probably not there. BUT THIS should be spoken about with your therapist, because it is ALL part of the healing process. BUT AGAIN REMEMBER your therapist can only reassure you so much - the rest is up to you....and this is a personal choice - A CHOICE - "I choose to believe that my therapist WILL NOT JUDGE ME - "I choose to believe that my therapist does like me" etc.

I say this next thing to you with all due care and respect and hope that it does not in any way anger or hurt you....but your therapist has a good point when she says that you need to focus on the work and not the relationship...BUT, she also needs to understand that for you to focus on the work, you have to be able to trust her completely and by doing that YOU NEED to speak about the relationship issues you have with her re attachment etc, especially about the feeling of being abandoned - you will get no work done if you feel abandoned by her. But maybe look at why you feel abandoned by her - is it a projection, could it be a projection from someone in your past. AGAIN she has to be present for you to talk about this. IT IS ALL APART OF THE WORK.

NO i don't believe that a therapist should withdraw from the attachment - but again - the meaning of this is difficult. What a therapist should do is let you talk about whatever you are feeling, monitor those feelings, have SECURE and HEALTHY boundaries for your own sake. She/he needs to be experienced enough to see you through the attachment/abandonment phase and move on intact. BUT the fact that she refuses to discuss it is a RED flag for me. But again, look at any transference/projections you MIGHT be feeling.

Unfortunately there are some therapists who are simply not comfortable or experienced enough with attachment and GE is correct in saying that this IS HER/HIS problem and NOT YOURS. You have to believe that you have done ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong.

Try writing down all the things you would like to say to her in a session - including all the things that you feel absolutely right about - trust yourself a little more. "I feel abandoned by you, i don't know if this is a projection or where it comes from, but this is what it feels like and i need you to help me through this to do the work that you are talking about....i am confused because to me this is part of the work!" Just write down all the gooey things you would like to say - get it down on paper. AND if you can't talk to her about it - walk into your next session and hand her the paper. YOU are paying for this and you deserve her to be present and to help you through this. Even doing this RE is apart of your therapy, apart of who you are, of what you feel. These are just MY ideas, you need to think about how to approach this for yourself. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF AND YOUR OWN INNER STRENGTHS. If from whatever you decide and you still feel this way -( although i have to say that therapy is a journey of good and bad - keep that in mind too - you cannot end therapy every time you feel you have hit a bump in the road.), but if you still feel you are gaining nothing, then time to look for another therapist. I have strong beliefs about this. A therapist should NEVER refuse to discuss what is bothering you - unless obviously it is something too personal about her. Anyway, i have gone on enough, but i hope it gives you a little relief in what your are going through right now.

Hi GreenEyes and Have Courage. Thank you so much for your replies and support. It means a lot--I can't even begin to describe the struggle this has been.... I need to take some time to digest all you have said and will reply more fully later. I appreciate how kind and open you have been, and especially--Thank you for saying it's not my fault I needed to hear that.

RabbitEars

Kmay, I'm sorry I was so self-centered and ignored your original post I'm so sorry! I have followed your story here on the forum and know from your posts how much pain you suffered when you had to change to a new T. I don't know that I would ever have that kind of courage, and if I'm being perfectly honest, maybe it scares me a little bit when I read your posts and think..."This might be the path I have to walk too!" i.e., Knowing how painful your first experience was, I fear I am in for the same journey.

You have my heartfelt sympathy and

((((kmay))))


RabbitEars

(((RabbitEars))) - No worries at all. I am glad that everyone was able to get some support from the thread.

quote:

If anything, the more I know, the more that hurts. The hurt can be productive or it can be distracting, depends how it is utilized.

- I am sending huge hugs of support to you. As of course you know, I completely understand that position. But let me share with you, as someone who is on the other side of it now...it was the BEST decision I could have made. Very very painful, yes, Excruiating, yes. And while I am obviously struggling with attachment and trust with new T, this struggle is not even comparable to the struggle I was in with old T. Listen to your instincts about the situation and trust them. Big hugs to you RabbitEars.

(((Becca)))
(((Draggers)))
(((cat)))

Thank you again HC,

Thank you, kmay. I really appreciate your saying that.

I'm still digesting all that's been said on this thread. My brain is working overtime, even though I am now on an indefinite break from therapy. My instincts said I needed a break, and even though my T did not agree or approve, I took it. For me, exercising my right to walk away for a while feels more empowering than anything else I've done in the last 2 months.

Thanks again (((((kmay))))

RabbitEars