So, sorry if I am overloading anyone. Feel free to ignore. I had another session Wednesday night. T was able, last minute, to get me in half-an-hour earlier than expected, which was good, because I have to commute 45-60 minutes to his other office each direction and it made it so my session time was actually longer than my travel time. We had a two hour session, 8:35-10:35.

When T came out to get me in the lobby, he did this snapping, clapping gesture that my dad used to do, so immediately kind of triggered. Not overwhelmingly, but one of the many ways T will do things that make me tense up a bit. I didn't tell him right away, just rolled with it and went inside.

The lights were on and he asked kind of what we needed to do to the room to get it ready (he has a routine in the other room, but I'm not at this office very often). I told him the lights could wait, because I had his gift. He knew about it ahead of time. It was sort of a birthday gift (stupid Skype told me his birthday was last week), but also just a reverse transitional object, like the sock monkey at his other office. I made him a sock horse. He thought it was a moose at first... It's body proportions kind of looked that way, I get it, but it has a mane and tail. I was slightly irritated, but not really offended. He joked about naming it Morse or Hoose and later settled on Bullwinkle, which also brought up some memories of going to that restaurant as a kid.

Anyway, T said he absolutely loved it and everything I make has such character to it. I instantly got anxious (as I do whenever he praises or compliments, or pretty much anyone does) and started talking about how I am a perfectionist and am seeing the imperfections. He posed a question, that I can't quite remember, because it made me dissociate very badly. He said something about the horse being perfect just as it was and asked if I thought anything could be perfect. I, of course, replied that nothing and no one is perfect. Then, he corrected me...

Duh, duh, duh. So, he had some really beautiful things to say here...I think...but I couldn't hear them, because it felt like he had asked a question, knowing I would give the "wrong" answer and was waiting to correct me, to pounce on me. All the same of repeated instances of that from my dad (and probably his mom too) came rushing into me and I kind of went away and was processing that on my own inside my head as he talked.

I heard some of what he said. He was talking about that he and I and even the most disfigured, disabled person in the world, were perfect, as we reflected the perfect intentions of a loving and accepting God in His creation. He was viewing all of this separate, obviously, from all the "sin nature" stuff that theologians will get into, but also saying that's covered anyhow. It was so frustrating to be trapped inside myself while he was talking. He sounded very far away, but he had so much love and passion in his voice talking about this very deep concept that I can't really remember well enough, but sounded kind of true at the time...had I not been so resistant to being corrected and in agony over that replay.

So, of course, when he wrapped up, he noticed that I had completely left and something had happened. I had already processed it on my own inside and didn't want to talk about it, because I didn't think it was important for him to know. It was my stuff, my triggering, not really something he had done wrong. He begged me to stop invalidating my own feelings and really pushed me to share, saying that's what we were there for and asking if we should just shut down and shut out and close off from one another. It's been a while since he pushed me so hard and in typical fashion, a few minutes after he had pushed, I felt the nudge and was able to share what was going on inside.

We talked about where those feelings came from. He said it makes him so sad when I invalidate, insult or criticize the things I do or make. That he seems them as wonderful. I told him that it's not that I didn't think the horse was pretty cool, but that the praise made me uncomfortable. He asked if it was someone being nice to me, but I said it was just being noticed, recognized, singled out at all...it felt uncomfortable and unsafe. We marked that as a thread to follow. It is one that has come up a couple of times.

All this time, we were sitting on separate couches and hadn't moved to the floor at all (because I didn't feel the need and I was SO tired, once I did have other parts asking to, I didn't want to). But, what was nice was that I was able to share feeling stuff...even just a little bit, at a distance, and still feel like my T was the safe, caring guy he was. It didn't last long, that not needing him right by me, but it was nice, feeling connected from five feet away. That may be a first, being in a room with him and not feeling like I had to either run away or be right next to him to be safe.

I had a bout of denial here, very strong, that this was all some fantasy and my parts and all the stuff they hold was made up. So we talked through what that would mean and why T doesn't believe that's the case (how many different things I would have to be faking both to him and to myself, and I would know if I was outright lying), but even how his help would be useful if that was the case.

Somehow this led him to make a statement about my experience of being "profoundly neglected." Ugh. So, I argued here about how I felt like I've misrepresented things. You know, I had food and clothes and medical care and a home. Sometimes I got kicked out yeah. My well-checks and immunizations were forgotten, sure. But, I'm sure that's true of lots of people. If I was badly hurt, I was taken to the doctor, and I rarely got badly hurt. When I think of profoundly neglected, I think of a completely unsupervised kid without food or physical care. Maybe I got left with the wrong people at times and that got me hurt, but it's not like that was intentional. T brought up the being forgotten at school. But, mom worked nights as a pianist and sometimes slept through her alarm. Understandable for a single mom, even one who had support from her ex. T brought up the lack of birthday recognition. I told him I wasn't even sure how true it was, because I don't really remember. I remember like two birthdays. One I only remember the photos I have seen, so I guess I don't really remember it. The other was my botched 16th birthday, where I got in trouble for "letting" mom forget it. I know there must have been others, because my siblings had other parties. Plus, I rationalize that with a birthday in the weeks before Christmas, when my mom is in her busiest time of the year, it is understandable that it might get overlooked. T asked about such a young child being asked to care for other children. He mentioned that his own mother bathed him and his siblings every night for years, to give an example. I know I had baths. They were alone. Isn't that normal? I helped bathe my younger siblings, but what child a decade older than their next sibling wouldn't be asked to help out? T seemed sad and frustrated by my rationalization/self-invalidation, but I eventually just wrapped it up by saying it isn't something I can see as profound neglect...just something that sucked, but was normal for me. Objectively, sure, lack of parental attunement, absence of attachment of any sort to my mother, absence of affection and attention...it's neglect of a sort. Who I am now did not happen in a vacuum, but I can't shake this feeling that it is unjustifiable from my experiences (sorry if that triggers anyone else to feel invalidated!) and so I must be making the whole thing up or exaggerating in such a way that T perceives things as worse than they actually are, no matter how objective I try to be. I cannot let it be profound. It feels like I am being unfair to a woman I have always seen as having good intentions (or at least wanting to), but being incapable of executing the job of "mother."

Finally, since it was really wanted and I pretty much get my way everywhere except in therapy, I moved to the floor. I told T he didn't have to, but he scooted the table and sat right next to me (we dimmed the lights further for the little one too), just one foot away. He did it automatically. We were silent a lot and talked a bit, and I don't remember a bit what we talked about. I know we were both exhausted. He is coming down with something and I am getting over something and both of us have had long weeks. We mostly just sat together and talked about stuff that was important, but maybe only on the surface. He had noticed something that I had brought up the other day, but he obviously saw in person that it was more serious than he assumed it was (sorry for vagueness, sensitive issues type stuff), and so we talked about that a bit. We talked about some stuff with H that is hard.

I shrugged at one point and he shrugged too and I noticed that somehow we were now arm-to-arm, and I was the one who had moved. It happened naturally somehow. I didn't experience a little one's pull to be close to him and have to permit or resist it. I didn't feel tense or anxious. We were just next to one another and it felt safe and natural. He suggested wrapping up and I said nothing. He said he sensed that was resistance and I said, "No, just that it is reality, and of course she (little one) never wants to go, but it has to be done, so it's OK." He said, "Let's pray," and held out his hand, so I gave him mine and he held it in both of his hands, which was nice and connecting. He just sat there in silence for a while holding my hand before he began to pray...which, I blanked out on. I had the most serious simultaneous pushing/pulling, dizzy feeling during his prayer that was so distracting, it was like I went into outer space and was in a vacuum with nothing else around. I actually got kind of scared that I was going to lose consciousness for a second, I was so disoriented, but I made it through the prayer.

When I went to start packing up the stuffed animals (don't remember if I mentioned they came out soon after moving to the floor), my arms didn't feel like mine. Like, I could see them moving, but not really feel the actions I was doing. It was obviously disorienting, as T noticed my confusion or awkwardness and asked about it. I tried to explain it quickly, but he wasn't understanding, as it was really hard to nail down the physical feeling that was going on. He would have stayed there and worked through it, I think, but I felt safe to leave and just take a little bit of time to wind down on my own.

I had my stuff and was about to walk out the door and of course she wants to ask for a hug, but I am some sort of evil dictator. But, I guess T must have read it on me, because he offered one, so I dropped the bag and went and got my hug. I think it might have been the longest hug from anyone except a romantic partner I have ever had in my life, although it was probably less than a minute long. Last time he hugged the parts (gave one each to the three most vulnerable ones who want them), I couldn't help breaking away quickly (surprised T), because I didn't know how long I was "supposed to" hug. So, I made a rule that he just decide how long the hug goes and I leave that to him, so I don't have to be anxious that I'm MAKING him hug me too long. So, I was hoping he remembered this and wasn't just going to stand there until I stopped hugging, because making it my decision meant all sorts of internal conflict. He did eventually start to release and I pulled away in a way that made him react that it felt like I was forcefully fleeing the hug when it was time to let go. I clarified that it wasn't any discomfort with the hug itself. I still barely experience them. Again, kind of know they are happening without really feeling them, but Little Yaku felt very close to T, and safe, which of course made her want to stay.

Oh, I forgot to mention that I let her write a non-dominant note the other day and transcribed it into a text for him and meant to bring the note, but my H was looking at me as I packed up and I didn't want to be teased about it, as he had already laughed about the size of my bulky, giant monkey-filled backpack and made a joke using parts' names in front of his sister. Yes, sometimes he is oblivious and an @-hole. Talked about that with T and how horrible it was, while battling denial, to have these parts made into some sort of inside joke, revealed to people. I already confronted H on it to and am doing OK now, but, it made me sad, because I really wanted to give the note to T to keep, but now I'm afraid of it being noticed or found and want to throw it out, since I don't see T again until Monday night.

The little one was really pushing hard near the end, but I was able to pull back and put stuff away and be kind to her, saying about her not wanting to leave "She's just being who she is," and T said that it was OK and good for her to do that and I agreed and lamented that it was sometimes just hard on me. So, that is progress of a kind, me just allowing those feelings without needing to justify or explain or contain them. Just acknowledging them, but still it was time to go. I asked when the next session was and he said Monday at 9:00 pm, so that makes three appointments in a row that I have left knowing the next time I am going to see him, which calms things down considerably. I'm hoping he takes note and keeps that up, even if he still offers to switch things up later to get me longer sessions. Just knowing the next one is there, even if I have to wait 4.5 more days, is so much easier.

Oh, yuck, at one point in the session, T did seem a little apprehensive over how long insurance would continue to approve the SCA, as they only did 15 sessions the first time and 24 the second and we are burning through those. I decided not to worry about it until I have to, because I can't do anything about it. We stayed on our current plan, because we couldn't afford to switch to the PPO (which was crap anyway) and the HMO has been approving him, so hopefully, we don't regret that decision.

Well, that is my update for now. I am feeling a bit exposed and again with all the invalidation stuff that happens any time I acknowledge and believe in my own experiences, my own feelings, etc. No wonder T seems exasperated at time. It is like one step forward, two steps back with my internal acceptance. If anyone finds this stuff too weird or triggering, let me know and I will put warnings or edits or something. I rather hope that it is helpful to someone out there someday, like reading over past posts from other members was to me when I first came on...

((((hugs)))) to you all and thanks for reading.