((Amazon)) So sorry you're feeling so bad today. Hopefully you will be able to talk with him and feel the comfort that you need.

Smiley

Amazon, I know that feeling really well, and I can never get a grip on it. It's a big relationship issue for me. I don't really know what to think of it, but for me it seems to be connected to the feeling that I can't trust someone with myself or to help me, that they are not who I thought they were. But it's just a blackm blank feeling, like - I don't remember you. I remember first having this feeling about my mum when I was thirteen or so. I thibk I was quite depressed. I remember looking at her and thinking I felt nothing for her. It really scared me - like there was nothing holding me to the earth.

I'm glad he noticed where you were at. It sounds like a really special, close relationship.

I came to my session feeling really exausted today. I was physically and emotionally tired. I just sat down on the sofa and started to cry like little child. I think because I was so very tired my defenses were lowered and I managed to tell him about how I felt, I was really sad. I told him that I fancy I guy from work and I worry what would it mean for our therapy relationship, would it not matter to me anymore? Would this guy sort of replace him in my thoughts? I don't want that.

It was really good to tell him that, although I wasn't as articulated as in the sentence above. He helped me to put it into words. I think once he helped me to name it, I will have to ask him again, to get reassured that he will still matter to me as a therapist if I ever meet a man. He basicly told me that I should not stay away from men, which I thought perhaps I should do for my own sake. He really is perfect therapist, at least for me. He really is so wonderful even if he annoys me sometimes. On top of that he really looked so hot and handsome today, but I was feeling too much like a little scared, sad and lost child to follow up this kind of feelings.

Anyway, thanks guys for your input. I was wondering if anybody else have this weird, scary, slipping away feeling, feeling of loosing something precious and beautiful. I hope we all can get "fixed"...

Hi Amazon,

I'm glad you were able to open up to your T so that he knows how you feel. I don't know since I've never been in the situation, but it seems like this could be really good for your therapy to work through this, because if you pursue your interests with the man at work, you can talk about it with your T, and it will help integrate what you're learning in therapy with the real world. I'm sure it will be a very long process, but having your T there to work through it with you will be so good.

I had a little bit of the type of feeling you're describing with my last T - it was scary and oddly depressing. I guess since I have never experienced that type of attachment before. Right now, I'm struggling a little bit with that feeling in regards to therapy in general. It's not fun, and it's a tough thing to struggle against.

Hi Amazon

I haven't anything helpful to say as i don't have the experience you are talking about just wanted to wish you well.

And of course put in an intellectual comment or two lol. It occurred to me that you are being conflicted and torn because you are starting to feel similar feelings of attraction and liking for this guy at your work, and are maybe afraid that will mean you will feel less for your T. It almost sounds like you are thinking that you have only so much quantity of love that you are giving your T, and that if you feel anything for someone else it kind of depletes the amount of love you can feel in total. Maybe it would be possible to feel strongly for both of them only in different ways? Maybe allowing yourself to feel whatever you do for the guy at work, will only change the nature of how you feel for your T, rather than diminish it? Sorry just thinking aloud, i really shouldn't be posting at all as my head is not very straight so please forgive me if i'm talking bollocks.

Lamplighter

Hi Amazon,

I've missed you. Thanks for posting about this. I needed it right now, because I am feeling the same way. I started a new medication about a month ago and it's making me feel disconnected from everyone, and I feel it the most in my relationship with my T. I think that is because she is the person I have felt the strongest feelings with for the last several months, so I notice the change with her the most. It makes me very sad. I agree with Jones in that I feel like it might have to do with not trusting her with my true self, or not trusting that she can really help me. I also sometimes wonder if she is who I thought she was. It's horrible. I wish the old feelings would come back, but also I'm glad the 'spinning' is gone from my head because I can actually think a lot more clearly now than I could before I started taking the medication.

I think my T has noticed I feel differently, too. She asked me at my last session Wednesday if I was still feeling numb. She wants to move ahead and start EMDR with me, but if I don't feel anything how can I get into my emotions? I wonder if she knows my feelings for her are waning. I don't want to talk to her about it either, because I've never been bold enough to tell her that I 'love' her, as you have Amazon. How do you tell someone that? It is so awkward to say that, especially to someone of the same gender. It's not like I'm 'in love' with her, I just care a great deal about her, yet the intensity of those feelings feels like it's dying. It makes me sad. She told me that if the 'numbness' doesn't go away I might want to cut my medication dosage in half. That scares me because I fear the 'spinning' coming back. I don't know what I want.

I hope you can get things straightened out, Amazon. I know it's scary to feel such a love for your T and then have it slip away. It's heart breaking. It also makes therapy hard(er). Hang in there. Let us know how things go, will you please? I'm curious to know what your T says if he has anything helpful to tell you. Good luck! Hugs (((((Amazon))))).

MTF

Actually after seeing him and crying to him about that I was feeling waaaay better. I still feel that I love him. It is not as intense as it was at the beggining, but sometimes it feels more... solid? focused? Well, till the next time?
I just noticed that it is usually quite difficult for me to imagine my T's face, it's like I can't store it in my memory. I remember his hair, forehead... eyes... but I cant bring back the full picture. And I do look at him, maybe not all the time, but often enough. Does any of you have something similar?

More Than Fine, I think I acutally said "I love you" just once and I was lacking the courage to say it again. I just don't know if it would be ok. I would like to experience what it would feel like to say it again. I even think it would be much easier to say it to a woman actually. You never said this to your T but you gave her your letters didn't you? She read all about your strong feelings for her, so she knows and understands. I hope you will be able to tell her that you feel its waning now too. It's really awfull feeling. I hate it. But... perhaps it is not really fading away, just sort of temporary decline in intensity (?), up and down... then up again?

Lamplighter, what you said is very helpful. Yes, I did have that worry, I don't know if it will go away after just one session spent talking about it, but at least I know that it is alright to... develop feelings for somebody else without worry about ruining therapy. However I don't want to spend my energy on growing feelings for some guy I don't even know. There are other dangers associated with this, so I'd rather stay put.

Hey MTF,

I have a question for you. When you describe your medication numbing you, are you still functioning better otherwise? What I am trying to ask is if the depression is gone or decreased, but you can't get in touch with your feelings. I've wondered for a while now if my medication has a numbing effect on me, because when I'm on it (I have been for 4+ years now) and I try to think about certain things that would normally provoke some sort of strong emotion, it's like there's a fuzziness in my head that keeps me from seeing a memory in full view, so it keeps me from feeling the full emotion from it, too. And I have to be in a fairly bad place to really feel anything. Or, to feel anything when I should. I can feel small spurts of happiness, excitement, sadness, but they are all very temporary and muted before they go away completely.

Anyway, I'm sorry to hijack your thread, Amazon. In response to your question, yes I too have trouble remembering my T's face. What's odd is that I just recently have been able to recall my past T's face a little more than I could when I was in therapy with her, and my memory of my current T is funky. It's so weird and frustrating, because it certainly seems like my T is the one person that I should remember very well.

Kashley,

quote:

When you describe your medication numbing you, are you still functioning better otherwise? What I am trying to ask is if the depression is gone or decreased, but you can't get in touch with your feelings.

Yes, yes, and yes.

quote:

I try to think about certain things that would normally provoke some sort of strong emotion, it's like there's a fuzziness in my head that keeps me from seeing a memory in full view, so it keeps me from feeling the full emotion from it, too. And I have to be in a fairly bad place to really feel anything. Or, to feel anything when I should. I can feel small spurts of happiness, excitement, sadness, but they are all very temporary and muted before they go away completely.

You're describing me perfectly, although I felt this before I was on the medication. I have had a hard time most of my life remembering memories. My T told me (or maybe it was AG) that emotions are attached to memory, so for me I block emotions, I also didn't have a lot of emotional connection to my parents as a child, or to my siblings, so I have a lot of fuzzy memories and a major lack of memory from most of my childhood. And I really struggle like you to actually see the memory in full view. It's like something in my mind is trying to block me from seeing the memory like it happened. The perspective is distored or changed, and I feel like something is there sometimes physically blocking my view. I don't feel a lot of emotion about past stuff from childhood, and I still to this day try to block out emotion from present stuff. It's a bad habit. I need to bring this up with my T, and if you haven't already I suggest you do too. I don't think it's just meds because I've only been on mine for 7 months. It's our brains and nervous systems that are having a hard time functioning correctly, in my opinion. I am really thinking about seeing a psychiatrist instead of a GP for my meds. I want to be human again, or really for the first time. Whatever this is we're feeling really sucks, huh?! Sorry, I'm probably not much help to you.

MTF

I don't know what I feel.

I'm not sure if my T understands. I don't know what I feel..

All or nothing...

I'm afraid to look at him sometimes, because I fear that I will see his eyes turning away from me, or I will hear him saying something really painful while looking straight at me.

I feel like perhaps I was trying to test him about smething, and he didn't pass. He didn't look in the same direction sort of. But I really don't know. It is just a feeling of not acomplishing something during the session. But I don't know if it's because of me or him.
I think he doesn't pick up on some things I am tring to tell.

I think he missed something today, but I am not sure.

I think I need to understand, really understand and hear that he cares about me, to move ahead with some stuff I want/I need to tell him.
Of course, he says that he cares about me, but I don't seem to get it. I can't comprehend what he means. I seem to expect that will despise some of my feelings. He will despise me and will get really defensive if I let him know that I really want him. That I will be less acceptable then and maybe even offensive, my presence will be offensive.

I think I felt twice close to him. It was when I gave him the look as he put it. He was talking and explaining staff to me, and I looked at him and told him to stop doing it. It was then that he just understood what I felt and meant.
At the end of the session I told him that he is fat, which again made me feel stronger and better. Of course he is not fat, I just wanted to be mean to him a bit. And he seems to like when I'm a bit mean. So I was.

I feel like I'm kind of stuck again. Perhaps I need to tell him this and see.

Hi Amazon,

I can relate to you here:

quote:

I think I need to understand, really understand and hear that he cares about me, to move ahead with some stuff I want/I need to tell him.
Of course, he says that he cares about me, but I don't seem to get it. I can't comprehend what he means. I seem to expect that will despise some of my feelings. He will despise me and will get really defensive if I let him know that I really want him. That I will be less acceptable then and maybe even offensive, my presence will be offensive.

It's awful to feel this way, too. I'm so sorry you're struggling with these feelings. I wish I could help you feel better, but I feel so much of the same thing with my own T right now that I'm not much help to anyone. I think you need to tell your T how you're feeling. Really just be totally honest and open with him. I know how hard that is, because I know that's what I need to do too, I just am too scared to do it. Good luck.

((((((Amazon))))))

MTF