((((KASH))))

Just wanted to echo what RT said. Who wouldn't be scared? To me, that is a normal, healthy and protective emotion that you should pay attention to. It's not a sign of maturity or strength to stay to the bitter end without having a plan for yourself in place. If you don't put some kind of plan in place for yourself, it could wind up being a disaster. RT's suggestion to see the two concurrently as a sort of bridge to get you from one side to the other is a really solid plan.

You need to honor that part of you that needs stability and attachment. T is the one retiring afterall. You don't owe it to her to stay until the very end. Yes, she has been a really terrific T but you need to take care of you too.

Kashley,

I also think you are doing the right thing. Seeing two T's is not a bad idea at all. You need to do what is best for you and I believe you are doing just that. I understand the feeling of not wanting to betray your current T but they are very understanding and this happens more than we realize. We are here for you and support your transition.

Hi Kashley... I think RT gave you very wise advice. I think you are scared of your feelings at T retiring so you thought it would help to leave her first. I never had a T's retirement staring me in the face so I have no idea how I would react but I think I would get more scared as time passed and I would find it difficult to do much good work.

I think having this new T will ease your transition when your T retires. I know it's not the same situation but the thing that was MOST helpful to me in recovering from the loss of my oldT was developing my relationship with the T I have now. His support and care helped me to heal and to also then move ahead in my therapy from where I left off.

Don't be afraid of the new T and go in there knowing what you need and what you want to ask her. Get all of that stuff out of the way first, as in a business relationship, before any feeling come into play because then it gets more difficult to ask.

Good luck and please let us know how it goes.

Hugs
TN

(((kashley))) You've gotten a lot of wisdom here from the others about transitioning, overlapping and getting to know all the information you need (to feel safe) about the new T before attachment feelings begin to form. Those are really good ideas.

I so understand the need to run, the inability to move closer when you know that person will eventually be pulling away. I can't bear to think of that with my T right now. There have been too many leavings in my life to count and he is the first person I've trusted with an attachment to the most vulnerable parts of myself.

The one thing that is important for you to know is that your T would never want you to do anything out of the need to take care of HER. She is not like your parents in that way. Whatever you do, if you are doing what is best for you, what you feel you can handle in your healing, I'm sure she will be proud and so happy you are doing that. Not that she won't miss you or be sad about the turn of events, but that her care has been genuine and her desire for your very best will help her to understand whatever choices you need to make regarding therapy.

Thank you all.. (((hugs))) RT, Liese, chumchum (nice to meet you ), TN, Non, Pops..

I don't know if I want to see T (maybe I should start to call her oldT.......). I don't really know why. I was so attached to her, I don't know why I suddenly feel almost.. repulsed (!!) by going back to her? That must be some sort of past stuff coming up, I just have no idea what. I feel sick at the thought of seeing her or going back to her. I really have no idea what that is about, because all of your suggestions about seeing T and another T to transition is a good idea (and thinking back to my original talk with my T about her retirement, she mentioned something like that). Maybe it's the thought of going back to the relationship and being vulnerable like that..maybe that's what makes me sick and just completely repulsed.

I have an appointment with the new T next Wednesday after work. We had been emailing, but I called and left a message to work out insurance and such and just to talk to her for a few minutes, although I have no idea what I'll say. That's the other thing I'm struggling with.. My T gave me a rate that was basically paying nothing since she knew money was tight for me. I don't expect another therapist to do that, but I'm not sure how many sessions I'll be able to afford.

I haven't cried or felt emotions in several weeks, except just this knowledge that I don't want to continue. Last night that all came out in a flood of tears.

RT - That's great that you're able to email your former T..that must give you some level of comfort. And I think you're right that maybe I need some time with a new T before I can have a last session with my T.

Liese - Oh, thank you for bringing up the subject of stability. Yes..I think that's a huge thing for me in this, because things have never been stable, even though I've always longed for them to be. So this impending instability has thrown me for a loop.

chumchum - Thank you for the support And again, welcome to the forum.

TN - I'll try to be as straight-forward as possible with the new T. I'm not very good at that, although I think I have gotten a bit better. This T specializes in childhood trauma and also does some sensorimotor therapy and EMDR. She also says she sometimes uses expressive arts and such..so it's a lot different than my T, who doesn't do any of that stuff. It makes me nervous, but it could be good, so long as she's a good T.

Non - thank you for the reminder that T is not like my parents. I needed that. I always try to take care of her. Leaving so abruptly was the first thing I did that I knew was ONLY for my needs, and it terrifies me. So it helps to be reminded that she doesn't want or expect me to take care of her. I still feel guilty, though.

Pops - I'm glad moving therapists worked out for you..I remember how hard that was for you. I'm hoping, eventually this will work out. It's tough right now.

Sorry for the novel, you guys. Thanks for all of the support. I might update after I speak to new T on the phone, if that's ok.

Hi Kashley,

I just wanted to say that from everything I ever read your T really cared about YOU (not what you could do for her) and genuinely understood how complex the feelings and needs could be and should be around the kinds of things you are dealing with.

So my guess is that as Nony suggested she would feel relieved and proud to know that you were taking this step to care for yourself and to look for a therapeutic relationship that could take you through the next part of your journey. I think she'd probably see that as a really healthy outcome of your growth, and I don't think she would want you to feel guilty at all.

Jones - Thank you...Part of me knows you're right. I'll try to just keep reminding myself of that.


RT - I've thought about a clean slate, too. I've actually thought for a while that it may be what I need..

I talked to new T on the phone. She's very sweet and I can already tell she'll be someone I can laugh with, which is important to me. I blanked when she asked if I had any questions, but she said I could absolutely ask her anything next week if I think of anything. So we shall see. I'm not too nervous now, but when next Wednesday comes, I'm going to be absolutely terrified.

Thanks for the support, everyone. I'm feeling like this is the right thing for me right now. I never imagined myself with another T, though...

I understand how you feel about T retiring.
In the 6 months since T told me she was pregnant, therapy has been all about coping with all the changes that will happen.
All my issues seem to have been pushed aside, I cannot seem to concentrate on them.

I saw T in the hospital clinic for the last time today. Although I plan to continue with her privatly during her maternity leave, I still have not received my funding decision yet. The last couple of weeks I have been unable to talk about anything with her. It seems pointless to bring up anything because I don't know if I am continueing with her or not.
I know that even if I do continue the next 7 weeks waiting for her to give birth will also be unproductive and then she will take 5 weeks leave.
She is a really good T, I have made a lot of progress with her over the last 1 1/2 years, but sometimes i wonder if i should have just have switched T's when she told me!
It is so difficult to concentrate on therapy, when you are wondering if T will be there next week or not!

Hi RT,
That's exactly what I am going to do. Yesterday with T I said I did not want to see her privatly until I know I can continue. But we fixed an appt with my back up T for Monday and T on Thursday. I hope I now by then. I can also see back up T at the hospital while T is away apart from 2 weeks when the clinic closes.
One difficulty is that with my T I speak English and she speaks her language, this works well. Back up T does not understand English and I have to speak her language. This is Ok when T is sick or on holiday, as supportive care, but not real therapy.
T's replacement does speak English, but is male and I definatly found it easier when I switched to a female. He also does not start until next month. The advantage is of course he will be there for however long T takes maternity leave (1-3 years) and then T will be back.
But it is really distracting when T's life comes into therapy so much (be careful what you wish for, those like me who wanted to know more about T!.
T has tried her best to organise everything, but in the end today is her last day and I am still waiting for the financial decision!!
She just replied to my miserable e-mail of yesterday, hoping that it is sorted soon and I keep my appointment with her next week.

It would be easier if she was not so nice!
Sorry for going on, I am just so stressed about it at the moment.

Sorry about the situation you're in, Starlight. So, there is a back-up T and a replacement T? Out of the two which would you prefer working with?

Hi,
Back up is a pychiatric nurse and does not understand English, but I know her, replacement T is a psychologist, speaks English, but have not met him yet. T knows him and said he is exactly the T she would go to if she needed. She recommends him, but I am wary of a male again, I find it more difficult.It's difficult because he is more qualified and it is a huge plus to be able to do therapy in my own language.
Of course it could all be unnecessary speculation. Most likely I get accepted for reimbursment and carry on privatly with T, but burocracy moves slowly and I am going crazy waiting.

Thanks for your concern, I hope your own situation progresses as well.

((Starlight))

I got a letter in the mail today from my T. I'm a bit of a mess now. It was an exceedingly kind letter, probably full of everything she would have said in person if I'd given her the time to do so. I've pushed away any grief over this, but this has brought it on in full force.

I feel guilty for doing this. I feel like an awful person for ending like that after 3 years.

I may post the letter later..I'm not sure. It does speak volumes to what a wonderful T she is.

I hope it would be OK if I update about my session with the new T..

So, overall, I think it went well. I like her so far. She is a body-centered therapist and specializes in childhood trauma and uses a lot of different approaches integrating the mind and body. I rushed myself at first, just like I did at first with my other T (not ready to call her old T yet), and new T saw this, saw how tense I was, and encouraged me to take my time, take some deep breaths, and go as slowly as I need. And I told her that I tend to rush because I don't expect people to have the patience or desire to hear what I have to say.

We kind of just talked..it wasn't all that structured, which was fine with me. She said a few times that she likes to go with what works, so she asked me if there were things that my other T did that I found helpful. I also mentioned how abruptly I ended things with her, and new T gently asked that I pay attention to that feeling, like a feeling in our stomach or somewhere in our bodies, that tips us off to that desire to end before we actually act on it. And she said that she hopes I'll be able to bring it up so we can talk about it, but she's also fine if I still want to stop. She said that there is something of value in the relationship I had with my other T and the way it ended, and that we should explore it over time.

She explained a little about some of the techniques she uses and about how she was trained. Toward the end she started to give me some papers, the typical informed consent stuff, privacy, etc. But she also gave me a few "inventories" like the Beck Depression one, some other one, and then the DES. She also requested, if I was comfortable with it, if she could have the name of the doctor who prescribes my meds so that she can coordinate with her. That was new - I know some Ts do this, but I've never experienced that.

My other T always stayed very far away from any sort of labels - this T isn't like that. I'm not quite sure how I feel about it. In some ways, it helps me feel more informed about what's going on with me. But I also don't want to just be a label. New T asked if my other T had ever discussed a diagnosis with me, and I said that she'd mentioned PTSD a few times. I told her that the diagnosis scares me.. New T said that it can be scary at first but eventually it can be empowering. I get why she said that, but to me it just sounds like positive thinking bull s***. Sorry. If I stay with this T, though, I'll have to get used to the positive thinking thing, as that's one of the techniques she uses. She did say she uses some CBT.

She seemed to sense that I need a lot of reassurance about a lot of things, like the fact that I changed Ts or the fact that I really didn't have an questions for her right now. I did ask her at the end, though, if I seem like I am "too much" for her. She thanked me for asking and said no, that I don't seem like too much.

But then I got home and started doing all of the paperwork she gave me and I was going through it thinking that she's going to get those back and see that I'm a nutcase. I'm not sure how I feel about all the paperwork, either. I guess it's to help her know where I am right now, but somehow it also feels demeaning (a bit of a strong word, but I'm not sure how else to put it). I may just be too sensitive about that, though.

So, we'll see how it goes. I'm sorry I haven't been around the forum much, although whether I'm here or not doesn't matter all that much. I've had to work a fair amount of overtime recently, and now my mother will be moving in with me because she's getting a "fresh start" away from my father. It's going to be somewhat temporary - for several months - but I like living by myself, so that will be an adjustment. And actually, when I told new T this, she said that it was very forward of her to ask this when she barely knows me, but isn't there some other option rather than having her move in with me? A sound question, I think, because it is..drastic. So I explained why we're doing it. I'm still not convinced this isn't going to drive me over the edge, but I also feel like this is something I need to do to help my mom. I broke "free" from my father last year and she didn't approve at the time...now she's breaking free from him as well, and I feel like I need to do what I can to help her do that. I did tell her, though, that the only stipulation I have for her moving in with me is that she has to go to therapy. I told her that she can't move in with me if she doesn't seek out therapy. She eventually said yes. We will see, though.

It will also help having my mom here because she can help me do some of the manual labor around the farm that is too painful for me. I'm still having problems with my knee 4 months after I first hurt it. I'm trying to get answers, but I feel like I keep getting blown off which is unbelievably frustrating. I feel like I'm too young to already be in constant physical pain.

Anyway, I'm really sorry for the super long post. I'm sorry for anyone who read this far - I just rambled on forever. But thanks for anyone who read this, even if it was just a sentence. Seriously, thank you.

I didn't detect any rambling - thank you for sharing.
I'm glad you got a good feeling about this T.

(((Kash))) Thanks so much for sharing. It's never a burden to read about others' sessions; in fact, I find it hugely helpful. It sounds like this new T is good and I'm glad she's encouraging you to take your time as you need.

(((((KASHLEY))))

It's incredible that you are processing the whole up and coming ending before the fact. I'm sure she's sad that you ended abruptly but I'm also sure she understands. It's completely understandable that you would be scared about it. It seems like a healthy move. You can always go back to her for a couple of sessions before she retires if you want.

Good luck with Mom.

((Iris)) ((Non)) ((Liese))

Thanks for the support. I keep running it over in my head. It feels foreign right now, and I'm longing so desperately for something that feels like home. But I still don't want to go back to my old T. I just keep thinking and hoping that this will feel more comfortable as I go on.

I'm scared she's going to tell me to just snap out of it, or I don't know..just find me unbearable. I keep waiting for that. And from you all as well..can't believe you've put up with me all this time. Love you all.

Good to hear from you Kashley, and I'm glad you've moved forward, even if it's a few baby steps, toward exploring a new T. Maybe it will lead to some good tools to help you better understand how to get closure with your other T. I've actually been working with a behavioral therapist for a few months now, as an add on to therapy, and as much as I hated the idea of and the sound of CBT/DBT, it's been surprisingly helpful.

I think it's very brave of you to have your mom come stay with you as she breaks free from your father. I understand why you are doing that, and really am in awe of how caring of a person you are. I know I couldn't do that for any of my family members.

You will come through all this, and be stronger for the experience!

(((Kashley)))

I have never and would never think you were unbearable or too much, Kashley. You have been through so much (I don't even think you realize how much). You've displayed nothing but strength and bravery, in my eyes. I think strength is facing your past, your issues, your emotions, no matter how messy they are. And no matter how long that takes. You're doing that.

And plus, this is your thread! This is your place to be as ramble-y or whatever as you need. Go at it! We're listening.

I truly hope it does feel more comfortable as you go on kashley ((hug)) so good to hear an update from you

quote:

It feels foreign right now, and I'm longing so desperately for something that feels like home. But I still don't want to go back to my old T. I just keep thinking and hoping that this will feel more comfortable as I go on.

Hi Kashley.... I want you to know that if the T is the right one then this place will definitely feel more and more comfortable and like your home. BUT, as my T says, my home and my safe place is within HIM not his office or whereever we are. HE is the one who keeps me safe and protected.

Please do not apologize for being rambly or long. I have been following you and looking forward to reading about sessions with your new T. I am glad they seem to be going well for you. I do hope that sharing your apartment with your mom works out well for you.

Keep us posted.
Hugs
TN

((R2G)) I'm glad it's worked for you having a behavioral therapist. I'm definitely open to it, and I also know that CBT or whatnot is not the only thing this T uses. I liked a lot when she told me that the way she practices is informed by the most recent research on the effects of trauma on the brain. So I like that she stays in touch with that stuff. And thanks for the support regarding my mom. I'm nervous about it and, to be honest, I wish I didn't have to do this (OK, I don't HAVE to do this..), but I hope it will help her.

((Erica)) Thank you for being so kind and understanding.

((Cat)) And thank you to you as well, Cat.. I know you've had a rough go of it lately. I hope you're hanging in there.

((TN)) You're right, and your T is right, too, about where home is. I'm scared about all of this - new T, mom moving into the house - but we'll just play it by ear. My father has also made somewhat of an (unwelcome) reappearance in my life. Just through emails, but it's hard to tolerate. So I'm just a bit tired at the moment. I'm already looking forward to my next session with the new T, though.

Thank you all. Back to work for me, which will probably be the case over the weekend as well.