Everyone has been so caring and supportive of me during this difficult time when dealing with the package and my files from oldT I just wanted to give a report about my session today with my T.

There has been additional contact from oldT that I really rather not discuss on here right now because things are in a state of flux but I will let you all know when I can. Because of this contact I needed to beep my T last night and he was just really wonderful about it despite the fact that he had an extra busy day due to having to leave early the day before for a personal reason. But he called me back right away, was kind and caring on the phone and asked me to email him details of the contact, which I did. He also took a few minutes at 10 pm last night to respond to the email. This all was after I had sent him a fairly hysterical and panicked email the night before telling him that I knew he was going to abandon me, and how could I ever trust anyone ever again, how could I believe what he says, and how I messed up so badly with oldT in my judgement of his character. I also told him that I just didn't feel that I could ever get past this hurt, this horrible wound. As I posted on the other thread, I was sitting on the floor with my box and all my stuff around me in deep despair. I think what made it all so bad was that I had absolutely no feeling of connection with my T. He was not there with me and I could not channel him to help me cope with the overwhelming feelings I was experiencing. I can see now that I was pushing him away and out of my mind and again this was probably transference related. Not being able to believe he would not abandon me, I abandoned him (mentally) first.

It was really good to see him today despite my mixed up feelings. Because when I saw him and he smiled at me I knew it would be okay. I was sitting and reading email on my cell when he walked in. He looked at me and walked over to the other chair and got my blanket for me. I had forgotten it but it was extra nice to have him do this for me. He spoils me terribly.

We sat down and began discussing oldT and the email I had gotten from him. And although we discussed this I could see that my T had a more important issue to handle with me and that was my emotional email to him. He worked really hard to make me understand that I was safe with him. And he knows he cannot just tell me this in words, he has to refer back to our brief history to use examples of how we relate and how he behaves with me to SHOW me I was safe with him, while at the same time telling me that if he starts to act in certain ways (the red flags again) then I need to fire him. He wants me to recognize danger in certain people so that i can protect myself.

He spent a lot of time talking to me about my fears that he had read the progress notes written by oldT and he will believe what oldT said and he knows how horrible I am and will want to get rid of me too. That I deserve to be abandoned. He moved in closer and leaned towards me and spoke to me in a quiet and serious voice. He told me that he did not read oldT's notes, that he didn't need to... first because he thinks oldT is an idiot who has no sense and is incompetent, but also because he does not need ANYONE to tell him about me. He knows me and knows who I am because he is a good judge of character and has been doing this a long time. He said that no matter what oldT says he knows me and he knows who I am inside and there is nothing there than will scare him away or make him judge me in a bad way.

He told me that for 15 years he had to go to court on behalf of abused children. He had to make decisions on whether or not to advise removing children from their parents and their homes. He told me that he had to be VERY careful and make very important assessments of people because if he was wrong it could cost a child their life OR hurt a parent very deeply. He took this reponsibility very very seriously. He said there were years where he was the only one in the county called upon to do this. He told me how there were time he KNEW a child was abused but could not prove it well enough to the courts and he had to live with that. But he always paid very close and careful attention to assessing people and who they were even if they did not openly show you who they were. He must have been very good at what he did because he has plaques on his walls honoring him for his work with children. He is such a good and honorable man. I am very proud of him. And I am proud to say he is MY T.

He also gave me a bit of a hard time for not telling him about something I did. I held back from him because I was afraid he would disapprove. He scolds gently and with kindness so it was okay. I know he pushes me because I respond well and I understand that his intention is never to hurt me.

He also told me when I go into that spiral of "I'm a burden, he hates me, he's going to leave me, he could not possibly want to work with me" then it feels to him like I'm abandoning HIM. I decide for him how he feels. I put words in his mouth that are untrue. He reassured me that he understood why I was doing this and it was okay but he wanted me to know that when I feel that way we need to talk about it.

We also touched on transference and he told me that WHENEVER there is a long term relationship in therapy where you are working on the past there is ALWAYS some transference happening. He said the only place where this does not happen is where there is some short-term CBT to address one issue and there is no exploration of the past or of the T relationship. When you are not there long enough to develop any feelings for the T of any kind. He said T's need to accept that their patients will have feelings for them and not be so fearful of it. And he would worry if it did NOT happen in any therapy over a year. He just makes me feel SO NORMAL that i was attached to old T and that I am developing this closeness and affection for him. He accepts all my feelings and I don't experience that guilt and shame I struggled with when I was with oldT. The other day he made me smile when he told me that he wants me to miss him when he goes on vacation because that is a healthy reaction and nothing to be ashamed of.

By the end of the session I was feeling so connected, cared for and safe that i looked at him and asked "how did I get SO lucky to somehow get dropped in here, in this office with you"? He reminded me that I just didn't drop in, I went through hell to get there.

He shook my hand, patted my arm and told me I did really good work today and he was proud of me. I hated leaving him but it's okay. I still feel him with me. And even though this weekend will be hard, I will be fine.

Thanks for reading,
TN