Had a session today with T. It was a disjointed session with me skipping around all over the place and him trying to follow me. I think I'm feeling disconnected for a number of reasons. First because now that we had this meeting with oldT last Monday, well... there is nothing left for me. It's gone. He's gone. There is NO reason to ever see him or hear from him again. I got all my stuff back, my insurance work is done, I got my file (although it's not complete) and we had this meeting where I read to him all that happened to me and what he did to me. It's over now. For one year I held onto the dream that I would somehow see him again. I'd be able to get him to agree to meet and we would have this deeply honest conversation. We did. Only it was one sided. I didn't get anything really to hold onto... to make my therapy with him seem real. I still don't really know why he abandoned me except that he insists it was because I needed a trauma T. My T said he is SO un- self aware that he may not even consciously know why he was afraid to treat me.

And so... now... there is no one in between my T and me and my trauma and the work I need to face. It's just me and him and that is scaring the crap out of me at this point. I told him today that I am afraid he will push me forward and I'm not ready to go yet. He said he was not doing that and honestly, he is not, but I'm scared he will and then get upset with me that I'm not finished with processing oldT. Then I feel guilty... like I'm holding onto oldT for safety. I'm not sure at this point.

We also talked about how I have learned a lot about figuring out what I need and then asking for it... but when I actually get it... I freak out and don't know what to do with it. I feel guilty and upset and undeserving of anything my T gives me. Like that 2 hour session with oldT. How he moved things around for me. That was so scary. We touched on this last Thursday at the end of the session and when I left I was scared all day long. I ended up calling my T and crying on the phone that I was so scared. I'm scared I'm going to push him away and that he will let me do that because he's tired of me and I'm too much bother. He tried to calm me by saying over and over... TN, I'm not oldT. I'm not oldT. We talked a few minutes and I calmed down but I missed him terribly all weekend. I was feeling really lost.

And so today when I saw him I could barely speak to him. I reverted to my left brain and brought an article on trauma to discuss. We are having a conversation about my diagnosis right now. He indulged me a few minutes and then told me I was engaging in psychobabble and he wanted me to talk about how I was feeling. I just would not go there today.

He told me that I was allowed to miss oldT and that he understood. He said that if I didn't try to push him away he would be worried and that what I'm doing is very normal. He said I was protecting myself. I told him I wanted to run to him and run away and never come back... all at the same time. That seeing oldT woke up a lot of the old feelings again. And the fear and grief came back.

He teases me and makes me smile in spite of myself. He told me that I tell him things that I know are wrong. So I told him maybe hes' right about that but I need to say them anyway. He smiled at me.

He asked me for the article I was reading on complex trauma so I gave it to him. He told me that I did so much of the work alone in my last therapy. that I was miles ahead of oldT in knowledge and he just could not catch up.

He was kind and understanding. But I couldn't really talk about anything much. I feel really stuck and I didn't have that connected good feeling. Like something is "off". Maybe it was just today. He said something interesting... he said I struggle on Monday and do much better work on Thursday. He said he wonders if I miss him over the weekend. I told him I probably do.

I just feel really tired and I don't know where to find that strength to pull out all the old stuff I did with oldT and look at it again with this T. This has been a recurring struggle for me and so far with the distraction of meeting with oldT I have not really had to deal with it.

We shook hands and I left. I have not gotten that nice pat on the arm for awhile. I look forward to that and I really needed it after the session with oldT. Actually, I really needed a hug. It seems that since then he has pulled back slightly. I'm not sure if I'm imagining this or it's true.

He did say something nice when I left....I told him to have a good week and he said... wait, I'm seeing you on Thursday right? And I said yes. He said that's in only 2 days... so... see you in a few days okay? I said okay. That sounds better.

I just feeling so out of sorts right now and I thought that maybe writing about it would help me.

thanks,
TN