I'm glad you feeling empowered! Receiving something new often does (unfortunately) go along with letting go of something else to make room for it. I know it must be both a comforting and confusing place, one of being added to and of losing at the same time, and I just wanted to validate those feelings you're having.

that's a powerful shift, Butterfly- and a brave one. I tend to think that feelings of empowerment are a sign that you are on the right track- however, I could be wrong on that. Like Yaku, I just want to validate where you are at, because it seems really improtant. Also to say, I am very ahppy to see you posting again, and that I can see that you have decided to continue with therapy- good for you.

quote:

I keep booking sessions in the hope that eventually I will have a clear answer.

haha! I relate to this- it's been my story for the past two years. I hope that you are able to come clear sooner than I have been able to do.

hug, nice to see you!

BB

Thank you Yaku and BB for validating my feelings, that has been really helpful.

Aww thanks BB it has also been good to see you around more too

Butterfly

hi butterfly,
to me it seems you are thinking in a clear, positive way and feeling hopeful and empowered are great feelings! even though the feelings might not last and you might get doubts again, it seems you are moving forward, guided by what you know so far.
i am sorry that the new and hopeful also come with sadness and loss. i know what that feels like. maybe you can transition gradually and let the new work with the new T help you with your feeling of loss for old T.

take care,
puppet

Thank you Puppet and DF. Lets hope my positive thinking lasts. I reckon it may hold out until my next session with T when I am planning on discussing it with her...then I will probably lose my nerve .

Butterfly

Hi Butterfly,

Do you like new T? What happened with OldT? Don't explain if you are not up to it. I am just wondering about the dependency stuff because I seem to be terribly dependent myself. It feels like a trap sometimes and I don't know how to get out.

Liese, I do like new T but not in the same way as old T. Old T finished working with clients last year for a break. I did wonder if my post may sound like I didn't feel having a dependency was a good thing (which is not the case) and if I may offend others. For me I had nearly three years of my life taken over by my T, if I wasn't with her she was in my thoughts and I relied heavily on the contact she provided and the kindness that she offered turned me into a needy wreck. If she hadn't of ended I am pretty sure I would still be in the same situation, but she did, and the break has enabled to view my relationship with her in a different light and I feel like it is time to get my life back. So as you can see I am probably not the best person to give advice on how to get out of what may feel like a trap as I had to be forced out. Liese I have seen the way you work through your issues in therapy so I am positive that you will be able to work through the dependency.

Butterfly

BF,

I know what you mean about having been forced out of what can feel like a crazy mind-consuming attachment.

With T1, I was obsessed with her the two years I was in therapy with her and then for four years after I moved away. Seriously, it took me 4 whole years to get over my obsession for her. And now 12 years after I finally got over her, I'm right back where I was now that I have started phone therapy with her recently. In many ways, I wish I had never gotten back in contact with her. I feel like I was better off before having made that phone call to her back in November.

Oh that's interesting, Butterfly. Did you and OldT talk about your dependency??? Was it something she tried to help you get a handle on?? It sounds like she allowed a lot of outside contact. Was it unlimited??? I'm wondering about her own needs? If she was unable to set limits???

And thank you so much for saying what you said. It's nice to hear. My T tells me there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I don't know if I just have to learn to accept the dependency and become independent within the dependency?????

(((LG)))) It sucks, doesn't it???

Oh and Butterfly, just for the record, you did not come across as offensive at all. It was clear that you did not like the way you felt. But you didn't make it sound like you thought dependency was really bad or anything like that.

Sometimes my T1 feels like a giant tumor I need to have surgically removed. lol Or a pimple I'd like to pop.

Butterfly I'm glad you felt a good shift and that you found a T that you can at least keep seeing and to give the relationship a chance. As you know, I was also forced out in a very harmful way. It took 5 T's to finally find one I could at least give some time to before deciding to stay or go. I gave him 3 months to see if I could even THINK about working with him at all and then I gave him another 3 months to see if I wanted to go beyond processing the grief of losing OldT and finish with him my therapy work that was left hanging in midair with my oldT.

So what I want to say is that you have not been seeing her long enough to really decide and to know her well enough to make any decisions. Like you I just kept making appointments and just kept going to see him and it finally started feeling really good and safe and I would miss him and he would just be so understanding and accepting and healing. And so I finally reached the conclusion he was MY T and that was that LOL.

I wish you the best in your new relationship. Sometimes new can offer you that different and fresh perspective on things and get you moving in the right direction.

TN

LG, you make the best analogies. Sometimes I do have this pain I wish my T could just cut out. Maybe it's him I want to cut out?

LG, glad and also sad you know where I am coming from. I have read some of your posts and have really related to what you are saying. I’m sorry you feel it would have been better if you hadn’t contacted T1. Attachments really can play havoc with our feelings. Lol I agree with Liese your analogies are great!

Liese, hmmm that is a good question, I did tell old T that I hated needing her as much as I did and that I found her care for me extremely painful but I can’t remember discussing it other than a brief mention. I think I was afraid to let her know the full extent of my feelings. I don’t think she did help me try to get a handle on it, in fact now I’ve had a bit of a break from her I feel like all she did was encourage me to become more and more dependent on her until it became almost unbearable, rather than tackling the issue itself. She did allow a lot of contact, I guess in a way it was unlimited and she always reassured me that it was fine to do so but in doing so I think I lost my own ability to think for myself and in turn leaned heavily on her. I guess she was the mother figure I never had .

Learning to accept your dependency sounds like a great place to start, I think if you are truly aware and ok with it then you will be able to grow from it. Acceptance is a great thing, and perhaps where I went wrong. Though I am finding I can be honest with new T about how I felt with old T and it is such a relief to be able to share that with someone.

TN, I have loved hearing how much you have progressed with your new T and you have been a great inspiration for me. I am so pleased things are working out for you, you really deserve it. I think I am afraid of going session by session, then finding out that it was all for nothing and I wasted all my extremely limited money. I know I haven’t been seeing her long but I do have a good feeling about her. Until I let old T go I won’t be able to commit to a relationship with anyone so I feel that is the next step to giving it a good go with this one as all our sessions so far have felt like a kind of trial, which I don’t want anymore. I really want to get down to the work.

After a week of positive thoughts I am struggling a little today with missing old T badly …not sure if it is because I have posted this thread or because I had a weird dream last night about trust and old T is the only person I have ever really trusted. Strange.

Butterfly

Butterfly,

That's great that you can talk to newT about your attachment and dependency needs. I do that too sometimes with positive thinking and hope it'll last. But there has to be a balance, I think. Your feelings for OldT were genuine and real. They will probably never go away entirely even as you form a relationship with NewT.

Do you think you are starting to trust new T? I'm wondering if the trust you had with OldT will enable you to form a trusting relationship with New T? Kind of like a bridge?

It must be hard, even almost unbareable at times, to have to start over like that after 3 years. You sound so strong and brave, even with all those dependency needs. I guess when we are children, we are dependent, right? When we start to think for ourselves, we can decide we don't like feeling that way and so can refuse to be dependent. But being dependent emotionally must be vital to our existence??? We must learn to be dependent but not in the same way we were????

Yes you are right, my feelings for old T won't just go away. I think they are always there, just at times I can feel them much stronger than others and that is when it becomes overwhelming.

Am I starting to trust new T? That's a hard question for me as I do find it hard to trust people and I have shared some things with her which she has reacted well too but I don't think I have shared enough to work out how much I trust her. I do like the way she is so accepting of my feelings towards old T and I like her as a person. I really do hope that the trust I built up with old T will continue into this relationship. Time will tell.

Thank you for saying I sound strong and brave, not sure I really feel it right now though.

Yes, I guess as adults it is much harder to accept being dependent on someone else especially if we haven't had good experiences of this in the past but I agree being dependent to a certain degree is vital to our human experiences.

Butterfly

Anxiety???