I can relate to what you are saying, but I think the wisdom is there are many reasons to do therapy. You do not have to be on the edge to benefit from it. I often wonder if I am just a middle class whiner. I have a good life, good friends, a job I like and so on. I considered my upbringing to be "normal" but when I tell a t - they usually tell me I have post traumatic stress and detachment issues and minimize the past. I have had more than one react with some emotion to my past, and I was like - what's the big deal. Ts have assured me my background was not usual and in fact, violent. I think I must have exaggerated or lied or something for them to think that.
No real advice, but I can relate.

Heldincompassion,

I very often felt that I was making my problems much larger than they needed to be, especially early in therapy. And, I also didn't think my problems were that severe when I started therapy. I'm not suggesting that your problems are severe. I'm trying to say that maybe if you decide to stay in therapy, you might start to feel entitled to feel bad about your life and entitled to make it better.

Wow, I could have written your post, Held in compassion, I really really relate. It's really hard in the first stages of therapy when you are just coming to terms with the past and often the present being what it is...for example, instead of being mad and hurt that your mother would fail to support you in your therapy, and instead tell you something really awful that you are "just ungrateful"- you take that as the truth and as if it were a comment you deserved. But you didn't deserve that comment. Can you imagine telling someone who is hurting that they are "just ungrateful?" You did not deserve that. Not at all. Here you are working so hard to heal and to become what you want to be- and instead of support, you get a bit of emotional abuse just thrown in on you. I'm *not* trying to make you feel a victim- that is not a good road to go down, I get that- but rather to make you see that you deserve better treatment, and encourage you to keep going for therapy and learning how to stand up for yourself for example.

For me, I really relate- in my life, all that happened, and didn't happen- I just cannot for the life of me see it as trauma, or abuse or neglect- my life seems real normal to me. But then I met a T when I was interviewing T's recently right after I ended with my T of two years- and I gave her an overview, and she told me that I carry "extreme" trauma. I was like...WTF?? I still don't believe it, I think she was just exaggerating, because I guess that is what we do...mimimize. Maybe it's true that you don't carry trauma, and even if it is (but we all do have severe pain in our lives!) then you can use therapy to help you get to a place you would better like to be in your life...that is what it is for...to learn to know ourselves and make choices that are good- but we can't do that without a bit of guidance and help, and learning to know who we are. Keep on trucking! And like you, I have a lot to be grateful for, so I feel guilty for being in therapy "whining about my problems." But...here is the thing.If you could just "get over it" and "move on and reengage in your life" as people are probably telling you you "should" then...wouldn't you "just do it?" It's not your fault that you don't. Really. I know that is hard to beleive, but trust me, if you are even minorly depressed, it makes everything you have to do ten times harder than it would be for someone who had the energy and motivation. Never mind anxiety, because that is a can of worms that cannot handle, and am grateful I do not have to deal with. You want to have a good happy, purpose-driven life- everyone does, deep down. Therapy can help you get closer to your goals, or learn what your goals are, even, and then move on from there.

honestly, I feel just like you. I read about others problems on here, and I think I have absolutely no right to be in therapy, because my issues aren't severe enough to warrant such a reaction, and I should just get on with it. But..playing a comparison game is not the way to approach your decisions, because your life and your problems are unique to you, and *you* are the one who has to carry the problems you have, nobody else. so it's not fair to use a measuring stick and say..."that person deserves help and compassion because they had it so bad, but I don't."
I hope this helps a bit...I just know where you are, and it hurts to feel that way. talk to your T about these feelings...I'll betcha she validates your need and desire to be in therapy. Oh and I hope I don't come on too strong!

Big hugs,

BB

HeldinCompassion,
I relate to you in that I often have felt like a fake not just in therapy but in my life. I think that it stems a lot from not having a solid sense of who we really are. That alone is reason for therapy. Self improvement is reason enough for therapy. But-- if you're hurting inside- if you have pain, it doesn't need to be proven or justified. We are not on this earth to have pain. You deserve to heal no matter the size of the wound.

Heldincompassion,

I could have wrote this!:

quote:

Lately I have been feeling confused about the reality of my own problems and their causation. Problematic psychological "symptoms" and a persistent sense that there is something wrong with me drove me to seek therapy, but now that I'm about three and a half months in, I find myself questioning the validity of my presence in therapy at all. I'm also starting to flounder in sessions a bit, because I feel like I've already told her the story of my life, such as it is, and I'm not sure what else to say.

I feel exactly the same. I am about the same way into therapy as you too. I have told my therapist pretty much everything I've experienced in childhood. I'm dreading my next session a bit because I won't know what to say. My pre-planning is running out!

I have the same problem as you. I don't think my childhood is all that bad. Even though I went through a lot of emotional negligence and some physical abuse, I still feel very indifferent about it all. It requires a lot of thinking and comtemplation to reach an ounce of anger toward them.

Do you think you were brought up to become into yourself? Abuse can be through conditional love, not giving a child the options he/she needs to grow, not tending to a child when he/she cries as a baby. All this leads to complications and I class it as abuse as far as childrearing goes.

I do not feel I was able to grow in myself. Was your space intruded upon too much do you think? I think when this happens too often a child can loose a sight of what he/she wants and ends up exerting a lot of energy trying to gage what is going on outside of themselves. As little as an argument between parents can disrupt the childs growth.

I had a friend who had loving parents as far as she was concerned but when she was younger she had a very limited choice on the toys she could choose to buy. She had told me that she once wanted to choose 'that toy' that was not a part of the choice selected by the parents. She remembers that she got a lot of hugs but in growing as a person, there were limitations. She almost cried at remembering the time when her father said to her at 30 years old 'I love you' without conditions.

quote:

I feel like other people have real problems and I *don't* so what am I doing acting like I do? I experience a lot of confusion and frustration about myself and my place in the world, but maybe I just over think everything and cause my own troubles.

Yes I feel like this too. I have no idea how to place myself anywhere. I overthink too and I always question to myself 'If I stopped overthinking then I would let go and everything would be fine so maybe I am fine and I am doing this all for attention'.

I've realized that perhaps I am actually scared of my own pain and the obsessive thinking and intellectualization is a habit I use in order to avoid the pain I have felt. I have done it for so long now that I feel very indifferent to the world, lost, apathetic. I am scared to cease the thinking because if I cease it and I find out that I have been a fraud with all my feelings derived from my thoughts, then I am a faker.

I think this results from not expressing emotions healthily as a young child. Were you allowed to cry? Did you have the kind of parents who would say 'Don't cry or I'll give you something to cry about'. (A stupid contradiction in itself of course). Were you listened to compassionately? Were you asked why you are crying or were you ignored?

All this emotional negligence will undoubtedly lead a lot of us to growing up confused, dazed, 'am I really feeling what I should feel here?', 'Why do I do these things' syndrome of thoughts.

I'm sorry if I am of no help here. Here's a hug though because I know EXACTLY how you feel. I've been feeling very guilty over what I might or might not feel lately. It is very, very hard for me to let go and let the therapy process move forward. This might have something to do with the fact that when I was younger, I had to keep myself in 'check' with how I was to express myself emotionally. I had to be careful. Did you?

All I can say is that I think this will pass. During the course of therapy, you will find the answers. Sometimes it is very surprising as to how layered we are with our pain. We think everything is fine. We kid ourselves on a daily basis, to survive because we have to. We all need to work, to earn, to have responsibilities. There's a certain amount of guard we must keep us to move forward practically.

Try and trust in your therapist's judgements. If he or she has heard it all and feels that you still have stuff to go through, try to have faith in what he/she says is correct.

I think you will be okay. I know its so hard and confusing. big hugs to you heldincompassion. Stay in there. Keep with therapy too. xx

Wow, thanks so much to each and all of you for the understanding and helpful replies.

At first I started replying to each of you individually, but I was becoming repetitive and realized that since most of these responses are more or less in unison, a general reply feels appropriate.

Thanks for reinforcing what I feel is probably my healthiest instinct in all of this muddle-- that regardless of how good or bad my childhood was or how severe my problems are, it's worth staying in therapy for the sake of self improvement and insight, as I definitely have room to improve and feel my insight into my self in my past is lacking. Therapy has been helping me and that is a good enough reason to stick with it. I want to be a better wife, a better parent, and a more complete person. For me, therapy is taking a step in that direction.

It's true that my parents were often controlling, chronically invalidating, and not always very emotionally attuned. I struggle between wanting to feel (and try to repair) the loss I have suffered because of that and wanting to honor and acknowledge the really good things that are also true-- they meant well and did a good job of raising me on the whole, imo. I certainly think they gave it their best, but sometimes that best still fell short of what I probably needed at times.

It's just difficult to address these things without feeling that I really *am* being an ungrateful brat, but keeping the fact that I have a goal in mind and that self improvement is always worth working towards makes me feel less guilty.

Thanks again to all of you for the sharing and support! It helps a lot.

Glad that you are going to continue therapy! I often get worried. 'I'm okay! Do I need therapy. Am I just being an irritating person to my T. Does all this really matter. What matters is earning a living, right? Setting up my life?'

For the first time I'm giving myself a break in trying to define myself on the outer. Scary thing that.

quote:

It's true that my parents were often controlling, chronically invalidating, and not always very emotionally attuned. I struggle between wanting to feel (and try to repair) the loss I have suffered because of that and wanting to honor and acknowledge the really good things that are also true-- they meant well and did a good job of raising me on the whole, imo. I certainly think they gave it their best, but sometimes that best still fell short of what I probably needed at times.

That too. Yes, showing a regard for the good things in life that we should be proud of and dealing with the inner pain/turmoil that comes out at times. For a long time I went the opposite direction too much. I shielded my pain by reading lots of Buddhist and spiritual novels/watching videos/intense meditation. What I hadn't realized at the time was that I was making myself more passive and pushing the feelings further down rather than letting them out. I felt like a pressure cooker!

It's so, so important for a parent to validate they're childs worth. Too important actually. It's severly disregarded as far as good parenting goes. A child is so sensitive to the world, they take things in like a sponge. I remember very vividly how a few 'meaningless' comments used to sink in terribly. And it turned into a psychological habit which still stays with me today.

Feeling an 'ungrateful brat' is obviously your parents doing. I feel very similar. I feel I'm ugly, useless, stupid, a waste of space, waste of time, childish, immature. I don't often 'feel' it but it comes out when I see, say, a video of myself. I instantly see myself as this pathetic, annoying child. I don't feel 25. I feel 5 sometimes..

Good luck to you heldincompassion. xx