((((BECCA))))

Yes I've felt that way. It sounds like you are still fighting your feelings of attachment to your T. It would be hard to maintain a connection only going once a month. Can you go more frequently? Do you want to go more frequently? Can you tell her that you need more warmth from her?

Last year when I felt really alone, I told my T that I just needed someone to reach out to me, give me a hand, let me know I was wanted. I'm not sure he understood that before and you know how aloof these therapists can be. They'd never let you know it if they missed you or thought you should come more often. It's all supposed to come from us. But sometimes, without a warm hand reaching out to us, it can feel unsafe.

I hope you can talk to her about it. I can only imagine how hard it must be having to hold all this stuff in for a month.

Liese

Hi Becca I do feel that let down or all the air gone out of me feeling when I leave my T. And I only leave him for a few days! I think it's part of the building up of feelings just before you see them and then it's over so quickly and then you are back to waiting and waiting again.

Seeing your T only once per month would make progress really slow and the continuity is not there because you are having to settle in and get to know her all over again each month. I'm sorry you cannot afford to go more often. Is there any way she could discount your rate? I'm sure she is feeling like she could be of more help if she saw you at least twice per month.

And you very well could be projecting a cold detached feeling onto her because you are bracing yourself for leaving her again for a month and so you may be unconsciously pushing her away a bit because it hurts to be so attached and then have to leave her again. Could you try to talk to her about what you have described here? I think it would be a good thing for her to know. Maybe she has some ideas on how to help you. Perhaps you can email her in between or have a ten minute phone call to keep the connection.

Good luck.
TN

Liese and TN, thank you both for responding so quickly. Both your replies made me cry. I do want to go more often but I am afraid to ask for that. I would have to ask her for a discount, but that is so against my nature. A month does feel like forever.
It has been two solid years of upheavel in my life and I don't even know who I am anymore. I am trying to make positive changes, but I keep getting kick in the ass. I need T really, really bad but I just cannot find it within myself to ask.
Thank you both for understanding. It does help.

((Becca))

Just wanted to lend my support, I think the responses you got from Liese and TN are helpful. I really hope you can get the courage to talk/ask her. Maybe a fax/voicemail/email would be less threatening than waiting another month? If you contact her before your next session it's possible (and hopefully this isn't triggering) and if she can't give you a discount could maybe organize some adjunct therapy for you, like a free/discounted group to attend every 2 weeks or something. Just an idea. Ts are usually resourceful like that. I see my T very frequently and I need enough auxiliary support that my T has mentioned another modality T, and another T with a group near my house if I needed anything additional to what I had or if I ever left my other T. So maybe yours is willing to coordinate with another provider also who can do discounted rates.

I'm very sorry you're not getting the frequency of contact you need.

((((BECCA)))))

I know that feeling of getting kicked in the ass and it does not feel very good. How do you think she would respond to a discount? I read that one T had a certain percentage of patients that she would see on a discount because she understood that not everyone could afford her fees. Maybe your T does something like that?



Liese

Thanks again to everybody for their great advice. I did something really stupid though. I understand in my head I should ask for what I want but I have never been able to do that.

So what did dumb ass me do?I called and left T a really awful message. I told her I didn't care if she kicked me out and I am getting the feeling she really doesn't care all that much about me. I know this sounds like a real childish mentality, but that's what I feel like right now. I feel like some stupid kid who can't run her life the way she used to. I want my life to go back to the way it was. T keeps telling me that isn't going to happen and I need to move forward. I fucking can't. I know I am pushing her away but I really want to see her more often and I want to know she cares. This is so confusing to me. I think I will be in the nursing home before I figure any of this stuff out.

By the way, she didn't call me back. I think she really does hate me.

quote:

I think I threw her a bit because she answered, she thought so, but sometimes she thinks she guesses. What the hell does that mean? She then said she was worried about our working relationship and that she may not be helping me as much as she would like. I get so worried that she is going to kick my ass out because progress is so, so slow.

Now that I am writing this, I am thinking it is me that is cold and she is just feeding off me. I feel so needy and dependent on her and it pisses me off, so I try to back her off.

Becca... there are a few things in your original post that I think is worth looking at. It seems that you got either annoyed or sad that your T said she is not sure that she knows you and guesses sometimes...I wanted to ask you if you have allowed your T to know you? Do you express your feelings to her? your dreams? your fears? your experiences? If not, then it would make it more difficult for her to really know you. Do you have a reason to keep her out or push her away? Are you just scared that if she knows you then she will leave you? That is a very common fear and one that T and I have really been working on to overcome. If this is true then you really do need to tell her.

The other part that we should look at is where you write that you are angry with yourself for being needy and dependent. Why is this so wrong? Why is this a problem? It's necessary to experience a period of being really needy and dependent before you can learn to be independent. Many children who grew up with abusive or neglecting caregivers have missed important developmental steps or stages in their life. Therapy is where you get to go back and experience what you missed out on and to do it the right way. This involves being dependent and needy. And everyone has needs. We are human. Someone in your past has taught you that having needs is wrong and bad, but this is NOT true at all. It's actually doing good work in therapy when you express a need and to talk about it. That is all part of the therapeutic process.

Instead, when you feel needy you cover it up with anger and you lash out at your T and you push her away when she would rather move closer to you. Yes, moving closer feels really scary, but if your T is ethical it will not be dangerous. It just feels that way. And once we do this a few times we realize how good it feels and how we can actually get those needs met. You don't expect your five year old not to have needs. You do not expect a 7 year old to be able to do everything for themselves. Well, you cannot do therapy and grow and develop without depending on your T for awhile.

Why don't you call T back and leave a new voicemail and tell her you are just really scared and that is why you said all of those things. And... ask her point blank to please call you back because you need to know that she is still there. That's all you need to say. It will make a huge positive impact on your relationship with her.

Hugs
TN

TN, I know you are right. I should call her back but I am thinking she is tired of me right now. I am tired of me right now. Tired of being stuck in the same place for what seems like a lifetime. T and I have been here before but it seems different this time. I really do think she is tired of me. Maybe we need a break, even though where I am at in my life right now is really shitty and the thought of being without her is frightening as hell.

TN, you are so much more brave than I am. Hell 98 percent of the posters are more brave than me. Maybe you just want more out of your relationship with your T than me. No, I am just scared. I want to talk about the things you mentioned. It just seems impossible most of the time. Thank you, thank you again for giving me so much of your time. It means alot to me.

Becca - the thing is that none of us were brave at the beginning. Every single thing was and still is terrifying, but you have to try it and take the risk. If it is hard to talk about it, email her. At least get the conversation started. Your T sounds like she wants to work with you MORE and not less.

People like us assume a lot, we are super sensitive to other people's emotions - we have needed to be to survive so well for so long. But, we get it wrong - we base our assumptions on our past experiences and the neural pathways were laid down wrong or under stress and we don't always get it right.

My T makes me ask her what she thinks or feels so that i can check it against what i have assumed. I thought i was pretty good at guessing her - but it seems all my assumptions are skewed because i always act out of fear - fear of abandonment, rejection, fear that she is bored, challenged, sick of me etc.

Don't assume she is sick of you - chances are she is the opposite - that you are someone that she really wants to help.

Even if you call her back and say that you are scared and that is why you said what you said. Tell her what you are scared of. That is a start.

My T tells me that it is OK for me to change my mind - I can change it many times in 1 day if I want to - she expects it as it is part of the process of us growing and learning to know what we need and to have the courage to ask for it. Your T will know this.

You can do it
Somedays

((((BECCA)))

Hope you are doing okay.

Liese

Hey to everybody that has helped me with this. You guys are freaking awesome. I am doing better today after a rough start this morning. I wake up and feel like I am in this deep, deep hole and I can't get out no matter how hard I try. I know currently is has a lot to do with the relationship with my T and the tough time we are having. I did call back and apologize, but she didn't call me back and I didn't ask her to. I don't have her email address, so I think I am just going to write her a letter. I am much, much better at conveying my thoughts and feelings that way.

I will keep you informed and again thanks for all the great advice. How can everybody on here be so damned smart. Amazing. Take care.