Skip to main content

The PsychCafe
Share, connect, and learn.
13 replies

Feeling Like Home -- Does it Matter?

True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
There is something that is bothering me and has for a long time. My T's office while basically comfortable does not feel like "home". I don't mean my childhood home but "home" where it feels like a refuge, like safety, like a haven or an oasis of peace and calm.

And yes, I KNOW that it's the T that really is the safety and the refuge. My T tells me this all the time. BUT...

I LOVED oldT's office and the farmhouse. It just felt homey and comfortable and like a place where my weary soul and heart could rest and find peace and tranquility. And yes I know I was there to do therapy which is not always peaceful and calm. And I also know that oldT harmed me in a terrible way.

Yet, I keep trying to find that feeling of homey-ness in my T's office and all that I can feel is that I'm in an office. I could be sitting in someone's office at work. I still HATE his leather chairs even though I cover mine with a blanket each time I go. There is nothing I like. The pictures on the wall are of nothing. Very abstract which unsettles me instead of soothing me. The walls are stark white. All furniture is leather. The rug is gray/blue office quality. His desk is pretty bare except for his calendar and his daughter's picture. It's not even wood, it's office Formica laminate stuff.

The only place that feels okay is behind me.... his large bookshelves. Books always make me feel good and they are also filled with object from me and other clients and some that are his. Little knick knacks and my candle. But it's behind me and I don't see it while in session. T says it's because it would be distracting and it's purposely set up that way. Well, I don't think it's distracting, it's more comforting. And I could also be distracted by a spot on his wall or the pictures that make no sense to me or even the curtains.

I don't know what I'm looking for or what I need or if I should talk to him more about this. He tells me that my safety is with him. But I still can't get past the fact that the environment I see HIM in feels cold and austere and does not facilitate my being able to settle in enough to really talk. I usually feel like I'm sitting in the Principal's office.

How does your T's office make you feel? Does it even matter to you. I know there is someone on here who is struggling with a T who really has no office at all so I feel rather selfish bringing this up. I should be happy I have a place to go and frustrated as to why it should even matter to me what the office is like. Maybe I just feel like my feelings were dismissed by T when I tried to discuss it.

Comments are welcome.

Thanks
TN
Original Post

Replies sorted oldest to newest

jonesjonesMember
TN, I believe it matters because it matters to you. Maybe this has layers of personal significance that have yet to be explored for you- certainly it feels 'unfinished' for you. I would encourage you to go into it, find out more about it, & work to share with T about it. The significance may not lead you to an external answer (as in, he needs a better rug!) but to internal answers - reasons and ways to value these aspects of your experience.
catalystcatalystMember
I think it's hyper-vigilance at work in some way, being acutely aware of your surroundings.

When I'm really 'in it' I'm in this entire emotional world, to get back in to reality my T will have me notice her room. So, I'm wondering if the awareness is keeping you from moving in to deeper material. Feeling comfortable with the office is the ultimate risk, wouldn't you say? If you're afraid of it it's not another thing to 'lose' as you trust your T just incase it doesn't go right.

To orient and feel safe in an unpleasing environment, my somatic T will have me look around the room. Name three things in there turning my head fully to find 3 things in different locations. Then find 3 things I feel about or inside me, then three things in the room again. Evidently, moving your head around while you observe things helps calm your reptilian brain because you've looked all around for the tigers.

I'm not sure how important 'things' have been in your life. For me, I had my things destroyed a lot… I had some things very dear to me and it was very traumatizing when they would disappear. Both of my T's offices changed within 2 months of each other… I was shocked how easy the adjustment SEEMED. My T was worried enough she offered to drive me there in one of our sessions so I could see it before we had to do sessions there (I didn't take her up on it - but I did end up having her walk to get me in the parking lot the first day I went there - same with T2). Now that we have moved, I've gotten attached to the room. I don't like it more or less I'm just really sensitive about the stuff now. Maybe that is sorta what you have going on? Your surroundings were nice, then when they changed it was like ACK and now everything has this nervous weird energy.

I dunno how to fix it yet.

Sorry to ramble. Hug two
beccabeccaMember
TN, sorry you are having trouble with your T's office. Leather would definitely turn me off. I know many people who have it in their home but to me there is a coldness to it.

I have been in three different offices with my T. The first was small, cozy and it really made me feel comfortable. The second was huge in comparison to the first one and I hated it. I always made her sit very far away from me in that room because it was big enough to do that. The waiting room at that place was also huge and annoying. I terminated my first go round of therapy with her, in that room. Hated the room.

After a ten year break my life went to hell and I returned to find that she had moved and was back in an office like the first one. Much better. The thing that makes me feel real good was that she kept two items always. Her futon-like small couches and this picture that looks like it was originally in one piece and then the artist pulled it apart into many pieces. It looks like if you pushed all the pieces together they would all fit. I always stare at that when I am thinking about trying to let her in. Better room most definitely.

I agree with your T that the safety is with him but I do believe that for some people the room would make a difference. It does for me. For me talking is never easy but a cold, uncomfortable office would just compound everything. Maybe you feel dismissed because even though you like male T's, for most guys making a place cozy and homey, usually is something that frankly, they aren't good at. He probably thinks it looks like a guys office should look. Again I am sorry you feel out of sorts in there. Not easy to remedy.
B bltMember
I do like my T's office. There is a familiar smell to it, and I like all the little things that remind me of her, like her teddy bears and collection of ear-shaped rocks. I also like that the window looks out into a courtyard area with plants and such. I do think it makes a difference to me. I even remember when she got a new couch which I liked better, that it seemed easier to feel supported in session.

TN, I'm just wondering about you whether you are very sensitive to your surroundings in other areas of life (I tend to be). Do you have any places besides T's office which DO feel like refuges to you?
riverriverMember
I have spent hours looking at T's bookshelves instead of making eye contact. I almost know every book. They never move.

Her office used to be the safe place I would go to in my head when life was too overwhelming. Since the rupture we had last summer though, thinking about being there with her is sad and stressful. I need a new safe place.
armoredheartarmoredheartMember
(((TN))) I haven't had a chance to comment on your other thread but wanted to tell you I am so sorry for all you are going through right now Frowner I haven't been on the OF for a little bit so I'm trying to catch up on how everything's going.

I can certainly relate to that unfinished feeling, I keep telling my T that I feel like I left something at old T's office, something I can't really describe but need to get back. The clinic where I saw him, we used one room more than the others, but the nature of the clinic was that different rooms were frequently used each session. So that's all I've ever known in therapy, being in a different room frequently.

With the new T I'm currently seeing, I have also been in a different room everytime I've been there because she doesn't have a specific office assigned to her yet in the building since she's so new there (it's a long story)

So anyway, I do notice a bit of uneasiness with the constant room changes, but since I've always been accustomed to that it doesn't impact me too much. (I'll probably have an issue to be in her permanent office!)

I wonder if the root of your feelings may stem more from the trauma of old T than the physical building itself? Do you think the feelings of safety you associate with the farmhouse could be amplified because you felt a general sense of safety was lost there? I don't know if I'm making any sense, just trying to take a stab at what I've noticed about my feelings from my old T experience.

I wonder if there is something you could bring in with you to sessions that would make the atmosphere feel more comfortable? I'm not sure what that would be exactly... just brain storming.

My T has offered to go with me to the old clinic as an exposure therapy, but I'm feeling really afraid about it right now.

I really feel for you, I'm sorry this is all so painful Frowner

Hug two
S sakajaweaMember
Hi TN,

Please don't feel selfish bringing this up. I'm truly sorry that your T's office doesn't feel like home to you. I think what's making my own situation much harder is that my T's last office did feel like home to me, so it's a huge loss to grieve not having anything anywhere close to that now. I definitely understand your longing for warmth in the environment.

I'm also very sad to hear that your feelings about it were dismissed by your T when you tried to discuss it. Would you be able to try again? Therapy should be a safe place for ALL of your feelings to be welcomed and expressed. I do hope that you're able to try again, and that you get more empathy and connection from him next time.

Sending hugs,
Saka
ljbljbMember
I can totally relate to the safety issue and changing therapy offices. My T had a rather small office, very intimate, comfortable. He has since moved down the hall into an annex and has a larger office. Never did he bring up the fact that he was changing offices. Just one day I walked in and there was a note on the office door to detour to this other area. There, I found another waiting room and his "new" office. It was like walking into the Hamptons! I felt like I was on vacation. I remember saying, "Wow, this looks like the Hamptons or Provincetown." He replied, "Good! That was the look I was going for!" I didn't have the heart to say that I missed the old office, for I'm sure he did all of the interior decorating himself (he has the gift).

But, the old office used to be my safe place and I felt like I lost it when he made the move. I think it's just going to take time for me to get used to it. I don't know if a lot of people feel this way or not if their T changes locations, but I think those of us who really focus on detail, have a harder time handling it and transitioning into it.

For what it's worth,

LJB
redtomatoredtomatoMember
Hi TN -

I'm wondering if the other thread started you thinking about this... and if maybe this is a distraction from the other things happening in your life.

Or maybe also a reaction to try to control your external environment - in the way you'd like to have more control over what happens at work. You want work to be more comfortable, but you can't go anywhere with that. With T, however, you can tantrum and complain and fuss - and it's okay. And, as Jones said, "The significance may not lead you to an external answer (as in, he needs a better rug!) but to internal answers - reasons and ways to value these aspects of your experience."

Of course, I don't know. But food for thought, perhaps.
heldincompassionheldincompassionMember
Hi TN,

I think being sensitive to your surroundings and caring about beauty is actually quite healthy-- it doesn't sound like avoidance or displacement to me. The external environment, our immediate physical reality-- matters. We are not disembodied spirits.

My T has changed offices twice since I've been with her. The first one was lovely, the second one I did not like very much, and this third one is my favorite-- still pretty, but more casual and cozy than the first. She has a flair for decorating, I will say.

I think in some way the overall feel of my therapy seemed subtlety different in each environment. It's hard to quantify. We did some good work, even in the office I didn't like, but it had a "just passing through" feel to it. I never internalized that space as home like, either, although I do have good memories of T from some of my key sessions there. The first office and this current one, I think provided more good memory templates on their own.

So yes, comfort and aesthetics matter but they aren't essential to successful therapy, imho.

Best to you! I've missed being around. It's always good to talk therapy and T's and their offices. Smiler
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
hi hic... how have you been? Are you still in therapy with your T? Welcome back.

Thank you for your comments. I do think that female T's generally have more inclination to decorate or to make the office space cozy and homey. My T deliberately keeps his office very stark and neutral because he thinks if it wasn't it would be distracting.

Interestingly, our last session was SO good, I forgot all about the office LOL.

TN
heldincompassionheldincompassionMember
Thanks TN. Smiler I've been well. Yes, I am still seeing T every two weeks. My therapy appears to have reached an equilibrium. I do not know if it is because I am stalling or because this T has simply taken me as far as she can. Perhaps both. At any rate, I feel she's been morphing into more of a life coach/quasi-great aunt figure. It's good to have someone like that in my life, but I would like to be working more intensely in therapy. However, I will be moving to a new city soon because of a looming job change for my husband. I am excited about the change on a number of fronts, and once we settle I plan on looking for a new therapist.

Add Reply

Post

Membership Required

We're sorry. You must be signed in to continue. Sign In or Register
×
Are you sure you want to remove from your Block List?
×
Loading...
×
When you block a person, they can no longer invite you to a private message or post to your profile wall. Replies and comments they make will be collapsed/hidden by default. Finally, you'll never receive email notifications about content they create or likes they designate for your content.
Note: if you proceed, you will no longer be following .
×
Advanced Search
Advanced Search
Link copied to your clipboard.
×

Access to this requires a premium membership.

Be a Patron Member

Get psychotherapy help to make your therapy easier and better.



Yes, I've learned about all the benefits of being a Patron Member (Click here if you missed seeing them: Community Psychotherapy Help

Yes, I understand that...

1. I can do a 7 day free trial and my credit card will not be charged until that period is up.

2. I can cancel at any time before then and my card will not be charged.

3. That once my credit card is charged, there is no refund offered.

Have a special coupon?

4. If I'm using a coupon my receipt won't show the discounted amount (It'll show $7.95). However, I understand that it will go through as $2.95 when I am billed after the 7 day trial. (According to the current promotion, this discount applies to the first three months of my membership - and as long as I use the coupon in the checkout.)*

*Please note that after the 3 months, billing will revert to the regular monthly fee.
**The fee posted below is our standard billing fee (ie. using no coupon).

7-Day Free Trial, then $7.95 per Month (plus tax if applicable)
×