Just wanted to give an update on how therapy is going. My T is still pretty wonderful, she is saying and doing all the right things, is very empathetic and real and so easy to talk to.
I guess that's how I ended up telling her, in last week's session, something about myself that I’ve only told to two other people, and then only partially, and that was over two decades ago. It is something I’ve always done, but I never knew why. I’ve just always assumed I’m really weird. It was something I wanted to tell my former T too. It was on my “list” of stuff I wanted to tell him but, like so many other things on that list, we never got to it.
I felt unusually open to telling my current T about it because I had just read a post on another board where one of the members happened to mention that she does this, and another member responded in kind, saying she had learned in therapy that it’s something that a child will sometimes develop to compensate for a weak or absent mother-bond. And my relationship with my mother was definitely weak, absent, even hostile at times for reasons I couldn’t even begin to understand. And it totally makes sense that a child would do this to compensate for the lack of a “limbic connection” with their mother, although I can‘t recall any kind of conscious choice to do so specifically for that reason. It must have developed very early because I can’t remember a time when I didn’t do it. Anyway, I was feeling relieved to have an explanation for it, and I had just read this on the night before our session, so when the subject of my mother came up, I told her about it. I did freeze up a little at first, but still, the fact that I told her at all just blows me away. I guess I must have been thinking that she might have heard about this sort of thing.
Well, she hadn’t. But she was still very kind and understanding and insightful about it, and we even talked about how we could use this habit of mine to make progress in the therapy. And she sounded totally sincere. Still...now I’m scared because now she could hurt me if she wanted to. I have absolutely no reason to believe that she will but I am having that urge to turn and run away. This was a huge thing for me to reveal, and part of me is saying, what the frick did you go and tell her that for? Why are you making yourself vulnerable? Are you trying to sabotage the therapy? Do you want to be rejected again? Now she’s going to know you’re too weird for therapy, now it’s only a matter of time before she “moves” or transfers you or whatever, blah blah blah...ad nauseum.
I'm not really going to cancel...but I just wanted to share what was going on. I see her again on Tuesday.
Thanks,
SG
p.s. Someone said in a post recently (and I can't find it, so I'll have to paraphrase the best I can) that they loved getting that 50-minute period of time where all the focus is on them. I've really noticed that I feel that way with my T, too. When I first sit down, I'm always kind of nervous and feel awkward on how to get started because she doesn't start the conversation for me, ever. She always lets me start and then jumps right in with me, whether it's small talk or something serious right away. Anyway...I really look forward to that one hour where I don't have to compete for attention...it feels like a special gift I get to open every week. Okay, I guess that sounds corny...but that really is how it feels.
She was still her caring, kind, attentive, present self. I told her about some good changes I'm experiencing in my relationships with my husband and kids, and she celebrated with me. I told her about the fears I had this week that now that she knew what I was "really" like, she might suddenly "move" or start canceling my appointments, and she laughed, then thanked me for my honesty in telling her about it, empathized with me and then reassured me that she isn't going to do those things. I told her about a struggle I'm having in my relationship with my kids that is none too pretty, and she responded with insight and encouragement to keep looking at it, facing it, working on it, and ultimately changing it.
). It felt wonderful to talk freely about it (and that is not something I normally do easily) without feeling embarrassed or worrying about whether it sounded like I was expecting something unethical in return. And she totally empathized and talked with me in a supportive way about it - I was definitely not alone in the room with it, and it actually turned out to be a very fun conversation. 
It must be so frustrating when you know he's capable of being steady for you, you know he cares - you've been through so much together! - and then the connection gets disrupted and you have to find it again.