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22 replies

Feeling Lost

True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Just a brief summary of tonight with T. My first ever evening appointment with him. I was feeling anxious to see him. Some stuff is going on again with oldT and it has me feeling nervous and scared. I don't want to write much about it here but everytime there is some kind of contact (even indirectly) with him it just sends me spiraling into the trauma and abandonment all over again.

We started out okay and I was talking calmly and discussing some mundane stuff like school, and my nephew and oldTs education and experience then all of a sudden I felt myself dissociating in a big way. I could not talk or think and felt myself leaving. T saw right away and brought me back and we started to talk about what happened which somehow led back to the trauma of the abandonment and those following days when I was literally paralyzed with grief, how I could not take care of my son, or do much of anything. While talking about this, I started to shake and emotionally fall to pieces or it felt that way.

I kept telling T I was a mess and he said ... no you are just very sad and that's okay. He reassured me that tears are cleansing and healing and they are good for us and he assured me he had plenty of tissues Wink He moved closer to me and leaned in towards me so I could feel him there. I felt safer when he did that. I was shaking so badly but my blanket was on the other chair (where he suggested I leave it last time so no one else would mess with it) and I didn't think I could manage to get up and get it.

Of course now my time was about up and I remarked on it and he said that HE keeps the time and I need to sit down (I was going to get up) and sit back in the chair and take the time I needed to come back to the present. He reassured me again that I won't be asked to leave unless I was fine and that his patients have all waited at times and have all needed extra time at times so they understood.

He told me i was not scaring him at all, in fact he was pleased to see that I was comfortable enough with him to allow myself to experience all those emotions. I did feel safe with him and have been feeling that more and more because I know that he understands me and everything I am struggling with. He was so wonderful tonight, so kind and gentle. I am really starting to love this man who is my light in the darkness. I think I'm feeling a bit lost and scared because he is going out of the country on a short vacation. I won't see him again until Tuesday and while I do understand that is not a long time at all, it's just that he is far away and I already miss him. At the end of the session he shook my hand as usual and I told him to stay safe and he said you too. Then we confirmed next Tuesday and I hated leaving. So I asked him if I could shake his hand again and he smiled and said of course. So I did and wished him a good trip and he patted my shoulder. He told me that I could call his cell phone but he was not sure how it would work out of the country but that I could also email him or leave a message on the office phone. I thought that was so nice of him and I really wouldn't use it unless it was urgent but it's nice to know I can if I need to.

I have his pen to hold onto. And my appointment card with my next appointment written on it. I can call his answering machine. I'll be okay. I've learned how to cope over these past six months. I realized that this month makes six months I have been seeing him. That is hard to believe.

I am so thankful that somehow I was led to him. I know he won't leave me and that helps. I just miss him.

Thanks for listening.
TN
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halohaloMember
Hey TN, I am really liking your new T too. I love how you shook his hand a second time.

I hate the days in between visits too. I wonder what I am going to do with myself all that time but I always seem to cope. I love how he gave you lots of options for contacting him. I also really liked how he let you stay as long as you needed and was so understanding about it.
mad hattermad hatterMember
{{{{{TN}}}}}

So sorry you are hurting, from more than one source, and re-experiencing trauma. I wish you'd had your blanket handy. But also very glad your newT is responding in a consistently caring, reliable way. How could you not miss him? I totally get how you know Tuesday is not that far away, but there's a hurting side of you that sees it as an eternity. I think you should believe his offer that you can email or call, and take him up on it if you get in a bad spot while he's gone. Please update us on how you're doing while he's gone.
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Thank you so much MH. I may be crying on all the nice shoulders here until next week. I'm just feeling really emotional after tonight. And I do know I can reach out for him if I really need him.

I hope your daughter's appointment goes well tomorrow night. I've been where you are and it's really hard. Many times I was upset at oldT but had to take my son in. What usually happened is that HE would reach out to me and give me a few minutes of his time to smooth things out between us. It's hard to know the right thing to do under the circumstances.

TN
scaredtoriskmyselfscaredtoriskmyselfCo-moderator
TN,

I am sorry that all of these old feelings are coming up, but it sounds like you could not be in better hands!! I'm so thankful that you found your T as well. I totally understand about the proximity issue even if you aren't seeing them. I get nervous when I know my T is gone even if it is just over a time that I normally wouldn't see her. I just like knowing she's nearby. I hope the time passes quickly for you.
blackbirdblackbirdMember
Hi TN...how are you doing today? I'm sorry that all of this awful stuff is coming up for you right now, and I'm really glad you are reaching out here. I'm so very very glad that your T is there for you, and that you can contact him, and that he cares. I think you are very brave to trust him. But he is alos showing you that he is trustworthy and understands how very much you need him. I think that is great.

I hope you will be able to get through until tuesday, and I am glad that you have the pen and appointment card from your T to hold onto until then.
Like STRMS I understand very much the proximity thing. My T once told me that he was flying to *** a city about 8 hours away from me. While he was in that area I could feel his presence almost, and it was nice to know that he was within driving distance from me, even though I couldn't go and see him, although you can be sure I would have if he had invited me to have a session down there.. there is definitely something to be said for proximity!

much love,

BB
L lieseMember
Hi TN,

I don't know how to make quotes so I will paraphrase here. If you can teach me now to copy sections of text, I'd be very grateful.

"I am so thankful that somehow I was led to him."

That really struck me because I know how hard you worked to find him. It was you. You weren't led to him. You, by the sweat of your own hands, found him. Just thought you should take a little credit there.

Was just wondering if you think all the stuff about OldT is coming up because you know newT is leaving the country? Wasn't sure if you saw a connection?

((((TN))))) Will be thinking of you over the next 5 days.

Liese
ladygreyladygreyMember
TN,

Wow, six months already?! Time flies by.

I think its a wonderful sign that T is pleased that you are comfortable with him in sharing your emotions with him. He seems very secure with your attachment and connection that you are forming. This is so important for you given you last experience. It is almost as if your new therapeutic relationship is a rebirth for you. A time of healing and relearning how beautiful relationships can be when they are healthy.

((((hugs))))) so happy for you that you are in good hands.
L lieseMember
TN,

Can I just ask something here? I don't want to hijack your thread so if you want me to take it somewhere else, I will. But I do have to say that I am a bit "jealous" that you've been able to form an attachment so easily and readily with your T. Now I know that your T definitely encourages it more than mine. I am attached and he's encouraging it but it's not until I've had some hard-won battles. Not sure if I've just had to work through a lot of transference or not, but I do feel as though my T has had a fortress around him and it has taken me so long to get in there. I can't even imagine my T tellng me, you can call, you can email. Although maybe if I would admit my need, he would. I am always like, "I'm okay with you." Maybe he's trying to get me to ask for things for myself because, well, that is a big problem I have. I'm definitely not as assertive as you. But I am so impressed that you seem so comfortable with your attachment. How do you do that???
blackbirdblackbirdMember
TN...I personally think that the hard work you are doing is in opening up and asking for what you need from your T in such a beautiful and vulnerable way- that is all you, and your lovely self. I think you were certainly helped and led in your great sorrow and pain and need, to find him. you are loved. I just had to express my opinion here because I think you deserve to be validated in feeling that you were led and helped in your search. hugs though as I know Liese, that you meant that in the most loving way.
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
You know Liese, it has been REALLY HARD to do this. I have had to take risks, put myself out there on the line, make myself vulnerable and open myself to him. I have told him what I need and explained why. I look fear in the face each time I allow him closer to me because last time I did that it did not work out so well. I can be terrified but I don't back away from him and if I am scared I tell him. I always answer his questions even if I'm not sure of the answer and I question him as well.

When it comes down to it I don't see the point in shutting him out. He cannot help me if I keep him out. It just makes everything so much harder. But at the same time I pace myself. I don't jump into trauma (although I had no choice with the trauma that my oldT caused). We have been working on the relationship for these past six months and also my T is working hard to make sure he is trustworthy for me by holding boundaries, and being consistent. He is also quite open and willing to go wherever I want to go. He is not afraid of me or my feelings, even if they are about him. He ia always non-defensive.

But I am willing to take the risk in allowing him closer to me. To talk to him about the attachment feelings and then I pay attention to his response and his non-verbals. He moves closer, he leans closer, he touches my arm, he keeps very good eye contact. All of this is that right brain connection that helps with attaching.

Beyond that I don't know how to explain it, it's just that close feeling of attunement that happens and I am not always comfortable with it and have told him that. I have told him that I want to run away, that I have refused to "see" him in my head, that I was angry with him for not being oldT, that I don't want to be in his office. He is just so accepting and trusting of the process. He allows the magic of attachment to just happen without having to manipulate it.

Let me ask you a question.... how is your T encouraging your attachment? What does he do? How does he discuss it with you? Maybe that will provide some clues into why you are struggling.

Hope this helps.
TN
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
quote:
TN...I personally think that the hard work you are doing is in opening up and asking for what you need from your T in such a beautiful and vulnerable way- that is all you,


Thanks so much Beebs... guess we cross posted.

Yes that is what I am doing. I need so much to feel attached once again because of the gaping hole my oldT left inside of me. But I had to search and search to find the person that could do this with me. I know enough about attachment and trauma to know when a T either gets it or not. I stayed with this T because during our phone interview I knew right away he understood and then when I met with him it was really obvious he got it and having outside contact also was important to me and when he offered that it was a done deal.

Of course I still have to get past the "OMG if he knows me he will leave me" feelings. It's a struggle each time I walk in there and not run away. And each time I risk myself and am vulnerable with him, the rewards are so huge because he responds exactly the way I need him to. Of course, I also give him tons of feedback about what I like and need.

Despite my own hard work, I do feel very blessed.

TN
blackbirdblackbirdMember
And you are a blessing to us... thank you for sharing. I love:

He is just so accepting and trusting of the process. He allows the magic of attachment to just happen without having to manipulate it.

He really is not a control freak at all, is he...that is lovely. I am so glad you have him in your life! you deserve everything that you are getting from him. I hope I have your courage and your vulnerability one day.

Love,

Beebs
L lieseMember
Hi TN,

I hope you don't think I'm downplaying how hard you have worked in therapy because I know how hard you have worked. I don't have a lot of time now to respond to your question. But I will later. Briefly, I do know that my T values the relationship above all else. I know that doesn't sound typical CBT. And I won't deny that he has made it harder for me than your T to move closer to him. Maybe I had a lot more transference to work through. I read this therapists blog about transference and some therapists won't even take clients on who are "oozing with transference potential". It made me a little sad because I am probably one of those people.

We also don't work on the transference together. I figure it out on my own, we discuss it and then we move on. It's not something to be explored just something to work through. I guess the idea is that I need to let go of what it is I didn't get and instead focus on what I can get from him. Kind of bringing my relationship with him into the present, does that make sense?

I do notice that the more courageous I get with him in terms of bringing up difficult topics, the more courageous I get with my H. It's working in tandem.

Hope you are well and feeling better!!!

HUGS,

Liese
S sadlyMember
TN - sorry I have been out all day and only just saw this thread of yours now.

I know you know this, the pain around the abandonment is going to come and go for a while, it was a severe abandonment that was extremely damaging. I am sorry that sometimes it hits so hard and hurts so much - but also as you know, it means that your heart is NOT hardening around it but feeling deeply still. I deeply feel for you though. I occasionally have something remind me of my ex C and I gasp as the pain shoots through me. It is healing but slowly. It will take us both time.

Also, I just am so glad you are in the hands of a true T, one who has the wisdom, insight, strength and compassion to assist you in this jounrney. The more I hear of T - the more I like him. He is truly deeply attuned to you and I am thankful you have attached so well to him and have come to love him.

quote:
But I am willing to take the risk in allowing him closer to me. To talk to him about the attachment feelings and then I pay attention to his response and his non-verbals. He moves closer, he leans closer, he touches my arm, he keeps very good eye contact. All of this is that right brain connection that helps with attaching.


This is the kind of response that shows that you two are well connecting, attaching in tune to each other. I am so glad this is so.

The break will be tough, but I shall think of you and wish you the soothing and balm during the next few days to find a way through to next Tuesday. It is so nice that he is offering email or text etc. He really thinks about ways to make it easier for you. You know he cares about you deeply. You deserve this calibre of T after all you have been through.
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Hi Liese.. I just didn't want you to think it was an easy thing to do and wondering why you were having such a hard time with it. It's quite terrifying to move close to my T because just when I relaxed about that with oldT... he abandoned me. It's something that haunts me.

I don't know if transference is something to be "worked through" or something to "use" to explore why we feel and react the way we do to certain things. To help us better understand what happened to us in the past and how that effects relationships in the here and now. The attachment aspect... well I see that as something different... I see him as my secure base and my safer, stronger wiser other. I keep him (via mental representation) in my head and I know if I need him he is there for me. Having him as the secure base allows me to go out and try new things because if i get scared I just go back to him for comfort and reassurance. It's nice to know I'm not alone.

Yes, the key is the relationship, so that is good. I'm glad to hear some of the good is spilling into your personal life too.

TN
L lieseMember
TN,

Thanks for telling me it is hard. I do find it so hard. I asked him tonight why he always makes things so hard for me and he said because I have to do the work. It is work. Asking for what I want and need and not looking for his approval.

It seems that everytime I want to move closer to him, he wants to talk about my feelings for him. He doesn't say this, but I always think he's saying, Do you want to get closer because you think we are going to have a relationship? I get embarrassed and back off. I'm afraid he will make fun of me or somehow make me feel ashamed for the way I feel about him. (Baggage). Go home, little girl and find someone else to play with. All of a sudden today I just blurted out, Yes, I like you and I like seeing you, is that going to be a problem? He looked a little surprised and kind of smiled and said, no that's not going to be a problem. I had been on his float list for the 2nd appointment. I hate the float list. I hate asking every week for a 2nd appointment. I'm trying to be independent. But I really wanted a permanent spot and was having trouble asking. He knows I want this but doesn't give me anything unless I ask for it. I can hint. I can do cartwheels for him. But unless I'm direct. It's very brutal. I know it's how he works but I still find it very brutal sometimes. Anyway, he's going to give me a permanent spot now on Thursdays, I think. That was the upshot.

Honestly, though, TN, how could I not feel positive feelings towards someone who sees hope in me, who sees strength in me? Would anyone expect any less? He's the first person in my life that I feel and think could really help me become content and satisfied with myself. If I can walk away from this process feeling secure about myself, I'd be really happy. There can't be any shame in that, can there be? I don't want to feel ashamed.

Hope you are coping okay and sorry to take over your thread.

HUGS

Liese
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
LG... feel welcome to chime in any time. Thank you for endorsing my little sentence. It has been hard to feel that way for a very long time it seems. Mostly I felt cursed or under a permanent black cloud. But I found my light and he helped me to find some of my own strength. We are good together Big Grin

Liese, of course you feel warm and affectionate feelings for someone who believes in you and who sees hope and strength. We were supposed to have that as children and didn't so now we appreciate it so much more and it means so much to us. And good for you for confronting him about how you feel...and asking is that going to be a problem!? I'm glad you surprised him a little and probably made him sit up and take notice of you. Of course it's hard to admit our feelings because the relationship is not a symetrical one and we are vulnerable to their words and actions. I'm glad he gave you the spot on Thursdays. I would hate a float list. So are you Monday's and Thurday's like me now?

Sadly, it seems that we have found the strength to grow within new relationships and we also learned what it is that we want and need from our Ts and Ps and we picked good ones this time. And yeah, the trauma comes roaring back at times and can knock you over with the pain. I know you understand this. I truly believe we have that extra resilience and drive towards health and healing or we would not have come even this far. We will keep moving along... sometimes trudging sometimes skipping but as long as we move forward it's good.

I am feeling that pull of attachment to my T but it's still quite scary to admit it because when I did admit it with oldT he left me and that legacy remains in my heart and head. But I'm trying and he knows it. My T believes that if he makes himself accessible his patients feel better and he has less crises come up with them. He likes to take care of issues before they get serious and if he can spend a few minutes with someone to reassure them, then it's worth it to him.

As for how he feels about me... I can't even go there yet. On some level I know he cares... because he cares about his patients. That is who he is. I do know he likes me because he told me that. As for truly being invested in me...that is a work in progress. But I do think it will happen.

I just remembered something he said to me yesterday when I told him when I was crying about the trauma that I was afraid he was going to leave me because of something I will say or tell him. He said, he is more concerned that "I" will leave HIM. That stopped me short and I looked at him and said..."I'm not going anyplace. I am glad to be here with you". He seemed pleased by that. But I was also pleased that he cares enough not to have me give up on therapy and leave because it's too painful. Although it is pretty painful at times, it's not because of him... he helps me and contains me while I process what happened. I'll have that pain whereever I am and I'd rather be with him.

Right now I'm doing okay. I still feel very held and warm from being with him yesterday. Thanks for asking.

TN
room2growroom2growCo-moderator
quote:
I just remembered something he said to me yesterday when I told him when I was crying about the trauma that I was afraid he was going to leave me because of something I will say or tell him. He said, he is more concerned that "I" will leave HIM.


Wow. Great answer from your T!

I asked my T the same question yesterday and had she replied the same way your T did... I don't know if I could have handled it - so glad you not only handled it, but embraced it! Keep growing TN!!

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