Feeling of annihilation? Did I accidentally use a code word?

yakusokuMember

Sent T a text yesterday (struggling with shame on neediness, which he is wanting me to identify before I get to the acting out stage instead of after) and randomly threw in a comment about how painful it was and my sense of annihilation about accepting my need. He texted back something about "annihilation feelings" being new info and important to explore, that they were deep and can be quite frightening, but also manageable and not too big for God. Now I am kind of freaking out a bit. Did I use some sort of code word unintentionally? It was really just the best word I could think to describe my sense of the fear this pain is evoking. I am worried that I used a word that means something to him in terms of psychology without knowing what it means to him or if it is the same of what it means to me...and I am even more worried, because I have admitted to occasionally reading psych stuff online (like transference), that he will think that I researched it and used this word to fake something. I really didn't. I haven't admitted to him that I have researched personality disorders and find borderline to be (disgustingly) relatable--not a judgment against borderlines, just my usual self-loathing. I won't self-diagnose, though, 'cause it may be nothing. Like I've said, he isn't transparent about the psychology stuff as of yet and my intellectual side gets so obsessed about understanding all the linkages and conceptual relationships that I just can't NOT want to know this stuff. Anyway, did I just open a can of worms by using this word?

Also, will I ever really WANT to talk? Don't get me wrong, I want to go to counseling and be in T's presence and feel safe. I love it (embarrassing). But I never really want to talk. He asks me what I would like to talk about and I want to be able to access my feelings (especially about the past) enough to care to talk about it. He is so patient for my readiness and I almost wish he would just push me...as if he could MAKE me feel and share. I guess I worry that the longer this process takes, the more impossible it will be for me to let T go. And don't get me wrong, I am starting to "get" that six months isn't long to be in therapy, even though it seems like forever to me. It just feels like I will never be able to peel back my layers enough to actually feel that talking about this stuff is desirable or evening meaningful.

2/18/1110:16 AM

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smileyMember

Yak - first of hello and welcome. I've been out of it lately. I read this and started to laugh - no not at you, but at me. I was remembering my first T and how I didn't talk to her at all, except to answer her questions for almost a year! She must have been ready to just smack me around to see if I was alive. LOL.

This T I have been with for almost 10 years. yup 10. We still find layers that I haven't gotten too. As a matter of fact, a few weeks ago I could not share something with her, she responded to me, "after all this time?" I felt terrible but she and I realized that it was something that I needed to feel comfortable with and she would wait.

Hard to believe but it takes so damn long to get this stuff out there.

Relax and it will come when you're ready.

2/18/1111:32 AM

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yakusokuMember

Thanks. I guess this is why T chuckled gently when I asked how the rest of my year was going to look like (for budgeting reasons) and if I'd still be coming every week at that point. Kind of embarrassed at making so many assumptions without asking.

2/18/111:12 PM

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blackbirdMember

Hi, Yakusoku...I wouldn't worry too much about code-words and stuff like that. Just say stuff and if you've happened to read it somewhere, you could mention that too, or not. I know that I read a lot on psychology when I started to experience transference because I couldn't figure out what the heck was happening to me that I couldn't stop crying literally for hours on end over my T. Crazy making times. All that reading did kind of screw up some stuff I think- it's better if your first time in therapy and if you trust your T, just ask him for the information you are looking for, imo. I kind of started thinking a lot of stuff that wasn't true about myself when I started too much reading, so then I stopped after awhile, and got to a better, kind of "cleaner" state for therapy- where I was once again pursuing the truth instead of trying to make some pre-conceived notion I had read be true for me- for lack of a better way to express it. That being said- now that I have a little bit more self-knowledge, I am able to read more without it disturbing the process so much. I think...but I still don't do too much, just in case I get confused again....it's a tough question...to read or not to read?

fwiw- I think a lot of trauma patients deal with some form of feeling like a. they are going to annihilate someone with their stuff or B. themselves, or c. someone else is going to annhilate them. But- it's just a good descriptive word for strong feelings. And as long as it's how you authentically felt, then it can't be problematic to use that word, but helpful in discovering the truth of what is going on in you- which is what you and your therapist are ultimately after. Sometimes I have to gear myself up by thinking "it is what it is" and try to just be as honest as I possibly can about what's going on inside. Those times I was able to have good productive sessions. The times I didn't do that were verrrry silent. Like smiley says- it takes time to get all this stuff out. Don't worry- just be yourself, is the best advice I can give!

Much easier said than done, I know.

Beebs

2/18/111:54 PM

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yakusokuMember

Yeah, in this case, I hadn't read it anywhere. I really have been surprised about my level of control when it comes to reading about this stuff. I find it so fascinating, but except trying to understand things he has said that he can't make clear or to make clear things I don't think he understands when I say, I don't read a lot. It's why I am not getting the books people are suggesting to me on here, because I want that stuff to be filtered through him for now. In my last email (which is just a journal entry), I did include my desire to be included on the psychological aspects of his work with me, so we'll see if he brings it up before I work up the nerve.

I texted him again, at the risk of hating myself for ridiculous amounts of mid-week contact. I would email him instead, but he admits he sometimes only gets it like 1-2 times per week. And he doesn't have a message service, but a cell phone, so calling and leaving a message isn't an option. If he saw a missed call from me, he would REALLY think crisis, because I freaked the one time he had to call me about scheduling stuff because his texting wasn't coming through. LOL.

I told him I didn't need a reply, but wanted to warn him that I was getting myself paranoid that I had used some sort of secret code word with an unknown meaning and that it felt as if I had stepped on a landmine and couldn't make a move without feeling like it was going to explode on me. Even though I said I didn't need a reply, he texted back to reassure me (paraphrase) it wasn't a code word, just a meaningful one and one that indicated a deeper awareness in me of a root fear that we haven't explored yet. And he sympathized with how messy it can feel, then reminded me that Jesus can help clean it out. So, I was very happy that he perceived my stress level and replied even though he didn't have to and also that he seems to be using the communication techniques I told him that help prevent my escalating...which means he read my email and is working with me on my level.

2/18/117:04 PM

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