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It must be going around, blackbird. 
I shut down my facebook account (and deleted a bunch of stuff on here) a few days ago for pretty much the same reason. (It was kinda funny, though, to see who the narcissists are among my friends - the ones who emailed me, "Why did you block me?! Are you mad at me?!")
Anyway, just want you to know that I don't think you are toxic in the least, and I personally appreciate your input on this board, and like hearing from you. I hope you feel better soon. (((hugs)))
I shut down my facebook account (and deleted a bunch of stuff on here) a few days ago for pretty much the same reason. (It was kinda funny, though, to see who the narcissists are among my friends - the ones who emailed me, "Why did you block me?! Are you mad at me?!")
Anyway, just want you to know that I don't think you are toxic in the least, and I personally appreciate your input on this board, and like hearing from you. I hope you feel better soon. (((hugs)))
((((Blackbird))))
I'm sorry you're feeling this way, BB. I also don't want to at all diminish how you're feeling by saying "me too," but maybe it helps to know that many of us can at least partially understand what you're feeling.
Yes - it's a desperate need, but I somehow always feel like it's a need that I can never completely fulfill. So then I feel stupid for even trying. Which is then compounded by more self-loathing thoughts that just pile on top of each other.
I too hope you get the support you deserve and need from your T and your SD. I also know that I would worry about you if you just disappeared. I don't think any of us on this forum would post at all on other people's threads if we didn't at least care a little bit. So I'm glad you let us know, and you will be missed, but I support you in whatever you need to do! Take care, Blackbird.
I'm sorry you're feeling this way, BB. I also don't want to at all diminish how you're feeling by saying "me too," but maybe it helps to know that many of us can at least partially understand what you're feeling.
quote:I feel a desperate need to be perfect and to know I am of value to whoever I come into contact with, whether in real life or in cyber life...but instead often feel just the opposite. I feel like I talk shit and that I don't even know who I am or what I'm really trying to say.
Yes - it's a desperate need, but I somehow always feel like it's a need that I can never completely fulfill. So then I feel stupid for even trying. Which is then compounded by more self-loathing thoughts that just pile on top of each other.
I too hope you get the support you deserve and need from your T and your SD. I also know that I would worry about you if you just disappeared. I don't think any of us on this forum would post at all on other people's threads if we didn't at least care a little bit. So I'm glad you let us know, and you will be missed, but I support you in whatever you need to do! Take care, Blackbird.
BB,
I hear you . I hear you. I hear you. I am sorry you are feeling so down on yourself. Your contributions here are so valued - and by more than just me, I know. Though I can relate to how you are feeling, and I want to respect your feelings and your decision, I do hope you will reconsider. As difficult as it is to reach out especially when we are feeling "toxic" as you described, it is often just the thing that can help pull us out of that difficult place.
If you still must take a break, please please please come back soon. And know that you will be missed. (((BB)))
I hear you . I hear you. I hear you. I am sorry you are feeling so down on yourself. Your contributions here are so valued - and by more than just me, I know. Though I can relate to how you are feeling, and I want to respect your feelings and your decision, I do hope you will reconsider. As difficult as it is to reach out especially when we are feeling "toxic" as you described, it is often just the thing that can help pull us out of that difficult place.
If you still must take a break, please please please come back soon. And know that you will be missed. (((BB)))
((((BB)))) Seablue said what I was thinking so well. Just know that you are being thought of and that I can relate to the feelings you are describing. I hope that you stick around, but if you need a break, I hope that you come back soon.
Blackbird, I have followed your journey with your T and SD and have enjoyed reading what you so eloquently describe. I have seen the progress you are making. But I do understand and I hear that you need a break from this. Just know that when you decide you can return, we will be here to welcome you back with open arms. Don't stay away too long.
Hugs
TN
Hugs
TN
Blackbird, i'm so sorry your feeling this way, hope you will be back soon (((((BB))))))
Hev
Hev
BB I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. But if you need to withdraw then you’ve got to do what’s best for you. (Better than writing posts and then freaking out and deleting them afterwards!) I so hope you can get yourself into a better place and maybe come back when you feel stronger?
Hey Echo couldn’t resist commenting on what you said about narcissistic friends - if I’d blocked people I’d be the opposite, really upset if no-one got in touch to ask me why! But I can see how their comments about wondering whether it’s because they’ve done something wrong can negate the concern.
I hope you too, will feel stronger soon and keep posting here - I’d really miss both your posts ((( BB ))) and ((( Echo ))) and ((( Monte ))) too.
Lamplighter
Hey Echo couldn’t resist commenting on what you said about narcissistic friends - if I’d blocked people I’d be the opposite, really upset if no-one got in touch to ask me why! But I can see how their comments about wondering whether it’s because they’ve done something wrong can negate the concern.
I hope you too, will feel stronger soon and keep posting here - I’d really miss both your posts ((( BB ))) and ((( Echo ))) and ((( Monte ))) too.
Lamplighter
BB
Sending thoughts and a huge hug to you, wherever you are, whatever you are doing and whatever you are thinking. Know that you will be missed here because of all your valuable contributions, empathy and warmth, but take as much time out as you need to feel safe and secure.
Do keep talking to those who are there and want to help you, your SD will understand your distress. Let him support you when you need it BB and you concentrate on lookingafter yourself ansd those precious little chicks
((((BB))))
starfish
Sending thoughts and a huge hug to you, wherever you are, whatever you are doing and whatever you are thinking. Know that you will be missed here because of all your valuable contributions, empathy and warmth, but take as much time out as you need to feel safe and secure.
Do keep talking to those who are there and want to help you, your SD will understand your distress. Let him support you when you need it BB and you concentrate on lookingafter yourself ansd those precious little chicks
((((BB))))
starfish
(((((((BB)))))))))
Thank you for letting us know and being so considerate of everyone even in the midst of your pain. While I hate to see you being so hard on yourself, I certainly understand it. It's very important that you take care of yourself. I will really miss your posting, I always enjoyed reading your insights and you have so much compassion and empathy. We'll be here when you're ready to come back.
Peace,
AG
Thank you for letting us know and being so considerate of everyone even in the midst of your pain. While I hate to see you being so hard on yourself, I certainly understand it. It's very important that you take care of yourself. I will really miss your posting, I always enjoyed reading your insights and you have so much compassion and empathy. We'll be here when you're ready to come back.
Peace,
AG
quote:Originally posted by Lamplighter:
Hey Echo couldn’t resist commenting on what you said about narcissistic friends - if I’d blocked people I’d be the opposite, really upset if no-one got in touch to ask me why! But I can see how their comments about wondering whether it’s because they’ve done something wrong can negate the concern.
Lamplighter
To clarify, I just thought it was kinda funny.
It IS nice that they reached out and were concerned. Calling them narcissists was a bit rude of me. 
Hey BB, I have drawn lots of strength from you. Please do not be gone long, as you will be grealy missed- by me especially!
Me too, BB. You're not poisonous, you're a honey. We're here when you're ready to come back.
(((BB)))))))))
Hug, ((((feathery friend))))
starfish
starfish
((BB)) I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. I can feel your sadness in this post. Sorry I can't be of much help to you but I did want to add my support and understanding. The "surface relationships" are hard for me also. I always thought that my relationships were deeper than they are. That's hard to deal with. I hope you feel better soon.
Smiley
Smiley
I know BB. It is very upsetting and really hurts too. I know the hermit thing too - I've been trying to do that for years. I actually was so closed off that I could go for weeks without really talking or seeing anyone. I still worked but the people and the job were just kind of there - I didn't really see them. It is much harder to do now when I know that I need to come out of it.
Smiley
Smiley
BB
Oh I am sorry for your hurt and pain and your feelings of loneliness. Therapy is isolating and friends can never truly ubderstand unless they've been there themselves. It is easy when we are feeling down to be even harder on ourselves than ususal, to think that we are worse than we are and that everybody feels the same. I am sorry if you are feeeling let down by your friends, you have always come across as an extremely caring mum to your children to me on this forum, so maybe they are not the 'true friends' that you so deserve.
Do keep posting if you can, we care about you here and want to take away a bit of that lonely feeling if we can.
Biggest hug (((((BB)))))
Oh I am sorry for your hurt and pain and your feelings of loneliness. Therapy is isolating and friends can never truly ubderstand unless they've been there themselves. It is easy when we are feeling down to be even harder on ourselves than ususal, to think that we are worse than we are and that everybody feels the same. I am sorry if you are feeeling let down by your friends, you have always come across as an extremely caring mum to your children to me on this forum, so maybe they are not the 'true friends' that you so deserve.
Do keep posting if you can, we care about you here and want to take away a bit of that lonely feeling if we can.
Biggest hug (((((BB)))))
RIGHT, Blackbird - dear feathery one - I have to declare an interest before I post, so you know where I'm coming from: I MISS you here, and I want you back!!!
I'm also running a bit late for work, so I have to say this quickly. So here, very directly, is what I think:
1) You are absolutely reeling inside from having been LET DOWN by (among others) the two people you absolutely count on for your emotional stability. These are awful blows, and they would do the same thing to me - throw me completely off track, make me want to crawl under a rock for a very very long time.
2) The fault is theirs, and not yours. It comes from their being fallible and human. Your SD is wonderful, but because he's not yet an angel or a saint, he still has some little reserves of small mindedness in his head that he and God have not yet addressed. That is where you come in.
3)He cares about you. A lot. He takes his job very seriously, and it's a serious job (my T said this about hers yesterday, and I see how TRUE it is here, too). Your SD's job is to share God's love with the people who come to him in need. Your job is to show him your need so he can do his job properly. You NEED to SHOW him your hurt.
4)I know, I know, I know. But YOU DO. There is no other way that he is going to be able to see what his comments have done, to see your hurt, to address his lack of understanding, to heal what has happened between you, which is BIG, but which he doesn't even know about yet. He needs to come to understand the value of the project you were involved in. You were involved in it for a reason, you believed in it, and he needs to learn about it.
5) Ditto your T. Show him your hurt. Remember he cares about you. Give him the chance to repair it. Let him do his healing work, even though he is imperfect and human.
OK, sister, that's all from me now. If I'm wrong you feel absolutely free to tell me to knob off. But I had to say it like this because I want you out from under that rock. We need you. And so do others, including your little feathered chicklets.
J
I'm also running a bit late for work, so I have to say this quickly. So here, very directly, is what I think:
1) You are absolutely reeling inside from having been LET DOWN by (among others) the two people you absolutely count on for your emotional stability. These are awful blows, and they would do the same thing to me - throw me completely off track, make me want to crawl under a rock for a very very long time.
2) The fault is theirs, and not yours. It comes from their being fallible and human. Your SD is wonderful, but because he's not yet an angel or a saint, he still has some little reserves of small mindedness in his head that he and God have not yet addressed. That is where you come in.
3)He cares about you. A lot. He takes his job very seriously, and it's a serious job (my T said this about hers yesterday, and I see how TRUE it is here, too). Your SD's job is to share God's love with the people who come to him in need. Your job is to show him your need so he can do his job properly. You NEED to SHOW him your hurt.
4)I know, I know, I know. But YOU DO. There is no other way that he is going to be able to see what his comments have done, to see your hurt, to address his lack of understanding, to heal what has happened between you, which is BIG, but which he doesn't even know about yet. He needs to come to understand the value of the project you were involved in. You were involved in it for a reason, you believed in it, and he needs to learn about it.
5) Ditto your T. Show him your hurt. Remember he cares about you. Give him the chance to repair it. Let him do his healing work, even though he is imperfect and human.
OK, sister, that's all from me now. If I'm wrong you feel absolutely free to tell me to knob off. But I had to say it like this because I want you out from under that rock. We need you. And so do others, including your little feathered chicklets.
J
oooooh BB,
I am so happy to find you back here posting. I am glad you were able to express come of what you are experiencing. It sounds really painful and lonely. I know it won't help ease your pain, but please know you are not alone. I think most if not all of us can relate well to feeling that often no one seems to get us, and we would like to crawl into a hole and be alone forever. (or should I only speak for myself?) It is difficult enough to trust, and then to be clobbered when you do really hurts. So sorry you are hurting and feeling let down. I hope you can continue to post and get some support here and take in that there are people who care.
I am so happy to find you back here posting. I am glad you were able to express come of what you are experiencing. It sounds really painful and lonely. I know it won't help ease your pain, but please know you are not alone. I think most if not all of us can relate well to feeling that often no one seems to get us, and we would like to crawl into a hole and be alone forever. (or should I only speak for myself?) It is difficult enough to trust, and then to be clobbered when you do really hurts. So sorry you are hurting and feeling let down.
I hope you can continue to post and get some support here and take in that there are people who care.
Hey BB, turns out I have more time than I thought this morning, yay. I'm sorry if my post above is too bossy - obviously you need to do what you feel you can, but I still stand by my orders advice, for what it's worth. And I still invite you to ignore it if it doesn't feel ok for you - like all advice it needs to be taken with a sprinkling of salt.
I was thinking about two things, more generally, in relation to this situation. One is an idea that comes from Flylady about cleaning house - that when the whole house is messy and horrible, it seems impossible to clean, but you can still clean it if you work on one room at a time, 15 minutes at a time. (I'm not trying to get you to clean your house too, though.
)
But I was thinking that sometimes life DOES let loose a bunch of low blows at once, and suddenly everything is unbearably painful, unbearably messy. But we can still move to clean things up, if we tackle one thing at a time, in small steps.... I suggested talking to your SD first and foremost above because I know he's been reliable for you up till now, and because I know you have a lot of faith and trust invested in him. If you can bridge the breach there, I reckon you'll start to feel a lot better, and some of the other problems might ease up or become tackle-able.
The OTHER thing is that I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about what I've learned in therapy over the last year. I'm coming to this conclusion: that the comfortable, attuned sessions have been nice, but maybe they haven't made that much lasting difference to me. What has really, really made a difference are the times when things have actually broken down between me and my T, and we have repaired them. For me, this IS the real therapy.
I think what happens for a lot of us with rough backgrounds is that communication breakdowns and relationship problems are a sign of real danger. When we were kids, when things started to go wrong, we knew that the next thing was we were going to be yelled at, or hit, or sent away, or made invisible, demeaned, humiliated and so on. Often those injuries were NEVER repaired. No one ever listened to our feelings about it or said sorry or explained what was really going on.
Because we are intelligent, resourceful creatures, we learned how to get the hell out of those situations in all kinds of ways - to run, hide, fight back with fists blazing, shut down, tune out, whatever. Anything but stay emotionally present to the situation, to listen, communicate our feelings and work on a repair. Which makes a lot of sense, of course, because staying present and open and communicative in the face of abuse is difficult and dangerous and beyond a child's capacities, and in those situations would have been futile.
But this leaves us as adults using the same strategies when we're faced with conflict, and with our own pain and hurt from others' actions. We don't stick around to work it out. We don't get the chance to say how we feel or to hear what might be validation, an apology, or simply another point of view, because in one way or another we're already out of there. So we never get the chance to heal. And those in our lives don't get the chance to heal stuff with us, either....
It's hard, but I reckon it is WELL worth trying a different way of doing things, if we possibly can. I think it's where we find the real gold of therapy and other relationships.
OK, clearly my soapbox needed a workout this morning.... I'm done now... anybody want a pamphlet?
And I still invite you to ignore it if it doesn't feel ok for you - like all advice it needs to be taken with a sprinkling of salt.I was thinking about two things, more generally, in relation to this situation. One is an idea that comes from Flylady about cleaning house - that when the whole house is messy and horrible, it seems impossible to clean, but you can still clean it if you work on one room at a time, 15 minutes at a time. (I'm not trying to get you to clean your house too, though.
) But I was thinking that sometimes life DOES let loose a bunch of low blows at once, and suddenly everything is unbearably painful, unbearably messy. But we can still move to clean things up, if we tackle one thing at a time, in small steps.... I suggested talking to your SD first and foremost above because I know he's been reliable for you up till now, and because I know you have a lot of faith and trust invested in him. If you can bridge the breach there, I reckon you'll start to feel a lot better, and some of the other problems might ease up or become tackle-able.
The OTHER thing is that I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about what I've learned in therapy over the last year. I'm coming to this conclusion: that the comfortable, attuned sessions have been nice, but maybe they haven't made that much lasting difference to me. What has really, really made a difference are the times when things have actually broken down between me and my T, and we have repaired them. For me, this IS the real therapy.
I think what happens for a lot of us with rough backgrounds is that communication breakdowns and relationship problems are a sign of real danger. When we were kids, when things started to go wrong, we knew that the next thing was we were going to be yelled at, or hit, or sent away, or made invisible, demeaned, humiliated and so on. Often those injuries were NEVER repaired. No one ever listened to our feelings about it or said sorry or explained what was really going on.
Because we are intelligent, resourceful creatures, we learned how to get the hell out of those situations in all kinds of ways - to run, hide, fight back with fists blazing, shut down, tune out, whatever. Anything but stay emotionally present to the situation, to listen, communicate our feelings and work on a repair. Which makes a lot of sense, of course, because staying present and open and communicative in the face of abuse is difficult and dangerous and beyond a child's capacities, and in those situations would have been futile.
But this leaves us as adults using the same strategies when we're faced with conflict, and with our own pain and hurt from others' actions. We don't stick around to work it out. We don't get the chance to say how we feel or to hear what might be validation, an apology, or simply another point of view, because in one way or another we're already out of there. So we never get the chance to heal. And those in our lives don't get the chance to heal stuff with us, either....
It's hard, but I reckon it is WELL worth trying a different way of doing things, if we possibly can. I think it's where we find the real gold of therapy and other relationships.
OK, clearly my soapbox needed a workout this morning.... I'm done now... anybody want a pamphlet?
quote:Keep your beak up feather-face
I love what Monte said so I wanted to say it too!
BB, sorry I'm so late to the discussion...can I please just echo everything that's already been said? And also just say I love reading your posts, and there is no actual truth whatsoever to the idea that you are "poisonous"...you are sweet and kind and insightful, caring and compassionate. You are a deep thinker and feeler and VERY precious! And I'm so glad you're posting again.
quote:Everywhere I go, it seems that the people I know look down on me and make comments about my parenting or whatever else that just crush me completely.
quote:It also feels like there are bad rumours about me. In a Christian community this kind of thing can be very devastating.
Oh, wow, BB...I can really hear your pain and loneliness in this. This sounds so much like the place I've been in for the past couple of years (since I started therapy). Don't you just wish for one person to stop judging long enough to really see you, and offer a hand instead? I am sure that people (especially church people) think I'm a terrible wife and mother and friend and sister and daughter and employee. The feeling that I'm failing everyone...do you have that too? Like every time you turn around, someone else is looking disappointed, walking away, rolling their eyes, raising an eyebrow, giving thinly veiled advice without asking any questions first, etc.?
And yes, judgement in Christian circles is especially hard to bear...it seems ironic, to be sure, but then, we are all broken and in need of grace, or we wouldn't need Christ. Monte said some incredibly wise things about that IMO, especially in looking to God for our sense of worth.
I've discussed these feelings of failing everyone with my T and here, and also with a dear friend of mine, and it's starting to look a little different...maybe I'm not so awful after all...maybe it's that I've been kind of pulling back in many ways to focus on therapy...refusing, or simply unable, to "pretend" outwardly anymore...no more energy to do so...it's like going dormant. I've had the feeling that it's necessary and important but also very much misunderstood and I've doubted it many times.
But maybe this really is a temporary state. Is it possible, that as we do therapy, and do some healing, and get to know ourselves better, that we will necessarily become more authentic in what we do, how we live? Isn't that not only possible, but really the "goal" of therapy, if there ever was one? And does it make sense that part of that process is disengaging from the things we've been doing that are not totally authentic? And would it make sense that others would misunderstand and misjudge while we're in that in-between, drawing inward, apparently dormant place?
I hate to mix metaphors, Blackbird...but it reminds me of caterpillar forming a cocoon. Hmmm.
And then, when (and if) we re-engage in something, it will be from a much more authentic place. And it will be safer to relate with others, not because they have changed, but because we have. We will be living from the inside out and not be so vulnerable to what others think of us. Not that we won't care...a certain amount of caring is necessary and healthy...but it won't have the power to crush us like it once did.
Jeepers...I hope this isn't just an insanely elaborate excuse to isolate...I really don't think it is. What do you think, dear Blackbird? Does any of this fit you? Can you give yourself a break? Rest in that awhile?
Hugs to you,
SG
Hi BB,
Just wanted to say I understand where you're coming from, too. I too struggle with this. Know you're missed and welcome here. (((((BB))))) Please don't stay away.
MTF
Just wanted to say I understand where you're coming from, too. I too struggle with this. Know you're missed and welcome here. (((((BB))))) Please don't stay away.
MTF
oooh BB hugs to you sweetie...I don't have much time right this second but that verse reminds me of a really lovely book that is so relevant to this thread - have you ever heard of Max Lucado? He wrote a book called You Are Special and it is one of my very favorites to read to my kids. It is a "kids" book but really for kids of all "sizes"...if you haven't read it I hope you can get your hands on a copy.
Hugs from a fellow Wemmick, who wants to be more like Lucia
(that's a little teaser for you)
SG
Hugs from a fellow Wemmick, who wants to be more like Lucia
(that's a little teaser for you)SG
Blackbird, it is so great to hear from you. Sorry I'm a little late in replying, so I'll be referencing a few things from your post from yesterday.
That's definitely some really difficult stuff you're dealing with. I wish I could say more that could be of use to you, but I don't know what to say. Only that I hope you know that you are so not alone. The subject of "true friends" has always been a big stumbling block for me. I won't go into all of my skewed, pessimistic views about that. The Christian community - all I can say is that I completely agree. Sometimes I think that Christians are blinded by the label of being Christian, so they don't see what it REALLY means to be Christian and practice Christianity.
By the way, Matthew 25 is one of my favorite scriptures. But the one I live by which keeps me motivated to continue therapy is Romans 12:2. Sorry, I don't mean to be spitting out verses from the Bible, but I couldn't resist. I love that verse.
That's definitely some really difficult stuff you're dealing with. I wish I could say more that could be of use to you, but I don't know what to say. Only that I hope you know that you are so not alone. The subject of "true friends" has always been a big stumbling block for me. I won't go into all of my skewed, pessimistic views about that. The Christian community - all I can say is that I completely agree. Sometimes I think that Christians are blinded by the label of being Christian, so they don't see what it REALLY means to be Christian and practice Christianity.
By the way, Matthew 25 is one of my favorite scriptures. But the one I live by which keeps me motivated to continue therapy is Romans 12:2. Sorry, I don't mean to be spitting out verses from the Bible, but I couldn't resist. I love that verse.
SG - I have never seen this video before. It made me teary eyed this morning. Thank you for reminding me.
Smiley
Smiley
(((( Blackbird ))))
So nice to have you back! Good on you for having the courage to start posting again, I so hope you can get things resolved with your SD it would be just too much bad stuff that you don’t need now (or ANY time) to lose that incredible understanding and support you’ve had from him.
And I can’t say better than Jones-T who has posted a message full of her usual fantastic insights - maybe feeling like this IS the catalyst to do ground shifting work in your therapy - the no pain no gain principle.
Welcome back.
Lamplighter
So nice to have you back! Good on you for having the courage to start posting again, I so hope you can get things resolved with your SD it would be just too much bad stuff that you don’t need now (or ANY time) to lose that incredible understanding and support you’ve had from him.
And I can’t say better than Jones-T who has posted a message full of her usual fantastic insights - maybe feeling like this IS the catalyst to do ground shifting work in your therapy - the no pain no gain principle.
Welcome back.
Lamplighter
BB, you sure can. Great big hug for you. I'll write more later.
Great big hug for you. I'll write more later.
BB
Just wanted to add a few thoughts to your last post.
BB that IS true about how some people behave, I think all of us here have experienced people like that; folk who seem to go out of their way to wait until you are really vulnerable and then kick you when you are down. But they won't just do it to you BB, they'll do it to anyone in their way, but when we feel down or lacking in self esteem it hits us harder. We turn it in on ourselves and take the blame or feel there's something wrong with us. My strategy has been to avoid such people like the plague, surround myself with people I can trust and feel safe with - the otheres aren't worth it. And if you have to put on an Emmy performance when you are with them, then that's not a bad thing; I have a colleague who I find so difficult, reduces me to a heap with just one cold look, sos now I walk to her with my head up high, smiling and looking confident even if my tummy's churning and my knees are knocking and she generally leaves me alone.
BB I remember what you wrote back to me a while ago, that there is nothing that I could say, about my experiences I think it was, that would change how people viewed me here. That I would not be judged by you and the same applies EXACTLY for you. Nobody will judge you harshly for your honesty, you only do what a lot of others do when they feel down, as a way of getting through. Not the most helpful thing to do maybe, but it's a strategy that helps at the time, just like I might dissociate when the going gets tough.
Oh yes that's me, absolutely a 'yes' but also moments of doubt and disbelief. Our lives are full of questions and self doubt, so I find it so hard to believe that God's love is there, unconditionally, unquestionningly for ME. That's way out of my comprehension and out of my rationalising, desperate to understand everything personality. But yet I know it's true.
Jones, BB, is there room nearby for another log cabin where I can sit and try and work this all out?
starfish
Just wanted to add a few thoughts to your last post.
quote:I find some people are like pcak animals...they smell weakness and they go in for the kill with some kind of unkind, perjorative, dismissive remark. Or I can just feel the condescension, I am so lucky that they are talking to me type thing..or, maybe I just read this wherever I go, and it is not really there. I really have a problem with self-confidence, that is I have none at all, and I am starting to think that that, in itself, contributes to how others treat you
BB that IS true about how some people behave, I think all of us here have experienced people like that; folk who seem to go out of their way to wait until you are really vulnerable and then kick you when you are down. But they won't just do it to you BB, they'll do it to anyone in their way, but when we feel down or lacking in self esteem it hits us harder. We turn it in on ourselves and take the blame or feel there's something wrong with us. My strategy has been to avoid such people like the plague, surround myself with people I can trust and feel safe with - the otheres aren't worth it. And if you have to put on an Emmy performance when you are with them, then that's not a bad thing; I have a colleague who I find so difficult, reduces me to a heap with just one cold look, sos now I walk to her with my head up high, smiling and looking confident even if my tummy's churning and my knees are knocking and she generally leaves me alone.
quote:(I tend to weaken and use alchohol to make myself feel better when I'm depressed which is often)and that is very hard for me to come to terms with, and very hard to admit to, even here, yet, if people know the truth of me, and judge me harshly for it
BB I remember what you wrote back to me a while ago, that there is nothing that I could say, about my experiences I think it was, that would change how people viewed me here. That I would not be judged by you and the same applies EXACTLY for you. Nobody will judge you harshly for your honesty, you only do what a lot of others do when they feel down, as a way of getting through. Not the most helpful thing to do maybe, but it's a strategy that helps at the time, just like I might dissociate when the going gets tough.
quote:I do not even know if I am believer. Yes, I am, firmly- and no I'm not
Oh yes that's me, absolutely a 'yes' but also moments of doubt and disbelief. Our lives are full of questions and self doubt, so I find it so hard to believe that God's love is there, unconditionally, unquestionningly for ME. That's way out of my comprehension and out of my rationalising, desperate to understand everything personality. But yet I know it's true.
Jones, BB, is there room nearby for another log cabin where I can sit and try and work this all out?
starfish
Oh, BB - I don't have much time to elaborate here, so I'll be back, but I just wanted to say that your questions about God and His love? Yes, a thousand times yes.
And please don't leave - I hope you can see how much you are helping and bringing together everyone here by posting about YOU. Take all that you need, want, and completely deserve.
And please don't leave - I hope you can see how much you are helping and bringing together everyone here by posting about YOU. Take all that you need, want, and completely deserve.
Sorry BB and Starfish I’ve already baggsed the prime spot next to Jones in fact the foundations of my cabin are already in place But I expect there’s plenty of room for everyone!
BB I seem to be at a loss right now as to what to say to people on forum so just wanted to post to show you support and to say please keep posting. I feel now like you describe about being scared to post and everytime I get a response I want to run away - would it help to tell you that I MAKE myself do it because I rationally know it’s helpful to do the very things I’m terrified of - to just do it and then deal with the possible fallout after? At the least it lets me be aware of some of the things going on in me that I need to face. But very scary.
So good on you for coming back and sticking around!
LL
But I expect there’s plenty of room for everyone!BB I seem to be at a loss right now as to what to say to people on forum so just wanted to post to show you support and to say please keep posting. I feel now like you describe about being scared to post and everytime I get a response I want to run away - would it help to tell you that I MAKE myself do it because I rationally know it’s helpful to do the very things I’m terrified of - to just do it and then deal with the possible fallout after? At the least it lets me be aware of some of the things going on in me that I need to face. But very scary.
So good on you for coming back and sticking around!
LL
Oh it's ok, starfish will be happy in the sandpit just listening you you lot wittering on
oh, no, we can't have you in the sandpit! I meant the pullout couch. It's quite comfortable!
BB
BB
Cheers BB, it's always good to know who your friends are!
starfish
starfish
Take care of yourself BB. We will miss you. ((((BB))))
Dear BB
Just do whatever is right for you and your family my(very feathery)friend. I will be thinking of you and saying a little prayer for ypu all. Take very good care of you,
(little)starfish
Just do whatever is right for you and your family my(very feathery)friend. I will be thinking of you and saying a little prayer for ypu all. Take very good care of you,
(little)starfish
Hi BB,
Sorry I'm late to respond to this - but if you get time to sneak in and have a look without being busted, good, and if you see it whenever you get back, good too. My husband gets jealous of PsychCafe too, so I get it.
BB it was lovely to hear that my advice was a nice thing for you - I know there are some problems with advice, but I felt what I was saying really strongly. I'm SO glad that you communicated with your T about your hurt, and that you got a positive response about that. This seems like exactly the way to get to a more secure relationship. And I love that he told you your healing would take a long time - not because I want you to heal slowly, of course, but because I know how reassuring it would be to feel that he knows you need the time when you know you need it too, if that makes sense. In other words, (untangling myself) it sounds like he's telling you he's not going away any time soon, and I like that.
As for your SD, I know it would be a real challenge to bring this up directly, if you don't have an established pattern of talking about the relationship. But how good it would be to have that security and trust restored - and how good it would be to know that you CAN talk to him about this stuff if you need to.
If you are talking about God's love in your life, that seems to me quite an intimate relationship (I don't mean in any inappropriate way) and so a lot of feelings come up. And God's love must at least in part be expressed through people, right? I mean, I'm a grumpy old atheist, but that seems to me to be an important part of the deal... part of what makes it so special and powerful. So he is your priest, but he is not 'just' your priest, if you see what I mean. If he takes the job of showing people the way to God's love seriously, then it seems to me that there's no way for you to be 'making more out of the relationship than it really is'. Because he is your spiritual director, your spiritual guide. Someone who helps you to find your way in your relationship with God. It IS a sacred relationship. So I'm saying don't feel frightened to honour it by working out the problems, by treating this relationship with special care and importance.
Okay, I'm wishing you so well as you are away from us right now... great big hug, feather-face. Hope we'll see you soon.
Sorry I'm late to respond to this - but if you get time to sneak in and have a look without being busted, good, and if you see it whenever you get back, good too. My husband gets jealous of PsychCafe too, so I get it.
BB it was lovely to hear that my advice was a nice thing for you - I know there are some problems with advice, but I felt what I was saying really strongly. I'm SO glad that you communicated with your T about your hurt, and that you got a positive response about that. This seems like exactly the way to get to a more secure relationship. And I love that he told you your healing would take a long time - not because I want you to heal slowly, of course, but because I know how reassuring it would be to feel that he knows you need the time when you know you need it too, if that makes sense. In other words, (untangling myself) it sounds like he's telling you he's not going away any time soon, and I like that.
As for your SD, I know it would be a real challenge to bring this up directly, if you don't have an established pattern of talking about the relationship. But how good it would be to have that security and trust restored - and how good it would be to know that you CAN talk to him about this stuff if you need to.
If you are talking about God's love in your life, that seems to me quite an intimate relationship (I don't mean in any inappropriate way) and so a lot of feelings come up. And God's love must at least in part be expressed through people, right? I mean, I'm a grumpy old atheist, but that seems to me to be an important part of the deal... part of what makes it so special and powerful. So he is your priest, but he is not 'just' your priest, if you see what I mean. If he takes the job of showing people the way to God's love seriously, then it seems to me that there's no way for you to be 'making more out of the relationship than it really is'. Because he is your spiritual director, your spiritual guide. Someone who helps you to find your way in your relationship with God. It IS a sacred relationship. So I'm saying don't feel frightened to honour it by working out the problems, by treating this relationship with special care and importance.
Okay, I'm wishing you so well as you are away from us right now... great big hug, feather-face. Hope we'll see you soon.
PS cups of sugar in the middle of the night!? sounds like emergency cake-baking... I can see the therapeutic importance of that.
Hello there BB! Nice that you are able to drop in from time to time and nice to hear from you. Hope you can get things patched up with your SD he really does sound like a very special person.
Hugs to you BB.
LL
Hugs to you BB.
LL