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14 replies

Feeling really bad

smileysmileyMember
Hi all - I feel really weird posting here this morning. I'm not even sure what to say. Please be patient with me as my thoughts are all jumbled and I feel like I'm going crazy.

For the past months I've been feeling depressed. I uped my meds but it doesn't seem to be helping. No I didn't call the doc back because I guess I don't really believe the meds are helping. It somehow feels like its just in me.

I had a really tough session with my t last time and I wasn't quite sure what to expect this time. I have been preparing myself so I wouldn't get freaked out. Anyway, I couldn't go there yesterday without getting high. Yes, I smoke the bad stuff. It helps to keep me calm and it keeps me alive and still working on the traumas of my life. I wasn't so high that I couldn't talk but enough that I was pretty damn calm!

Anyway, we talked about alot of things but nothing of any value. I was good at keeping my composure and never letting on that I was even partially disconnected from our conversation. She kept looking at me strange and saying, Hmmmm Where are you? Not meaning that I was gone but just meaning my status in the therapy right now. I had nothing to say and tons to say. I wasn't feeling like I should be but I didn't tell her that.

I didn't tell her that I feel this odd calmness about things right now. I didn't tell her how much I was smoking. I didn't tell her that my life feels like a black hole, even though I know it isn't. I didn't tell her that inside I am so sad that I could cry at any given moment, but that won't happen. I didn't tell her how angry I was that she didn't answer my e-mail for 6 days! I basically didn't say anything that would bring us to any kind of a connection. How dumb is that?

I feel stupid for even writing this all down. You folks all sound so sure of yourselves even in your own despairs. I feel like I just can't get anywhere. I just can't get to the happy content part of my life that I so want. I don't know what stops me really. All I get back is you have to venture out and really enjoy things. I have alot to be grateful for and I know it, I just can't really feel any of it long teerm. In the moment I can enjoy things and then I am blank again. It just doesn't matter anymore. I just go along with the day to day things and I'm really tired of it.

I'm sorry for venting. No one really has to answer me. I just needed somewhere to say some things that I would never say.

Smiley (not really right now) Frowner
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jonesjonesMember
Smiley, I'm feeling for you. That's a rough place to be. I don't think I can say anything to make it better but I do want to say I'm glad you posted and I'm glad you're here with us.

I had a period of my life of smoking heaps too and I remember how stuck, disconnected, alone and inert I felt in that time. And how it seemed to make things easier, too.

I guess I do want to say a couple of other things - it's not dumb that you didn't say the stuff that would bring you a connection. When you feel disconnected and scared of connection there are good reasons for that. It might be that you're scared of getting overwhelmed by feelings, or it might be that you've been hurt and lost trust (yes, from her not answering the email, but also in bigger ways with other people in the past). In any case, I know from what you've said on the board and in this message that you've been through a lot. You deserve compassion, from yourself and others, not judgement for not fixing it all at once.

Think of it this way: you're still seeing your therapist, right? That means you're still committed to the relationship and to finding a better place in your life. You are looking for it even in this post. That in itself takes a great deal of courage and strength when you've been badly hurt.

Smiley, you don't need to compare yourself to anyone else. No one else has been in your exact shoes, no one else has your stuff to deal with. We all have good days and bad days, good years and bad years, too. An old friend of mine used to say 'run your own race, don't worry about anyone else's', and I find that weirdly comforting. In any case, we're here to support you wherever you're really at - not wherever you "should" be.

Jones
mtfmtfMember
Smiley,

Ditto to what Jones said. I'm glad you posted here. It makes me feel better, although I'm sorry too that you're feeling what you are. It's tough to not feel like you're where you 'should' be, isn't it? I'm in the same boat! I'm always kicking myself for not telling my T what I think she wants to hear, or what I feel like I 'should' say or what I want to say but just can't. It's so hard!! But I know I'll get there. At least I hope I will! I guess I don't have a lot to offer you here, I just want you to know you're not alone and that not everyone on here is so sure of themselves, despair or no! Life and therapy are TOUGH!! Therapy is not for the faint of heart or those that run at the slightest show of difficult times. So pat yourself on the back for doing what you are doing and hang in there. It sounds like you're giving it a good bunch of effort, even if it may not feel that way to you. Smiler

(((Hugs)))

MTF
scaredtoriskmyselfscaredtoriskmyselfCo-moderator
Ditto what Jones and MTF said. I am sorry that you are feeling such despair. Is it possible that the med you are taking isn't the right one? I once took meds and one of them made me so depressed that I could barely function. It was supposed to be an anti-depressant, but it made me depressed.

I think you are to be commended for continuing to go to T and for coming here and reaching out when you are feeling so bad. ((((smiley))))
smileysmileyMember
Thanks Jones & MTF. I keep thinking that at my age I should be done with this already. Yes I'm still seeing my t, whom I treasure, and I am still trying to get there (whereverthat is) and feel better. Funny about the race comment. I've always felt that I was running my own race but I always felt that it was wrong. Anyway, thanks for the input - I'm a little tired right now.

Smiley
starfishstarfishMember
smiley

Sorry it's so hard, I'm glad you posted and your thoughts came out really clearly. That disconnected feeling is sessions is a hard one to deal with and the more disconnected the harder it is to be productive. But you did manage to say about her not replying to your email, so well done for that Smiler

I just neded to say that when we read stuff about others it DOES sound like people are sure of themselves, but inside I know that's not the case and I am certainly one of those. It's different reading than talking face to face, we get a totally different perspective sometimes.

I am sorry too that you feel depressed and no wonder it's hard as that will cloud all you do. So well done again for perservering and I hope you will keep posting and be able to tell your T a litle more next time. Have you ever thought about writing things down beforehand, to give to her? Just a thought,

starfish
smileysmileyMember
Thanks STRM - I have been on so many different meds. This one was working up until a few months ago. Then we increased the dosage and it just hasn't changed anything. I was almost convinced that I needed to be on meds until this one stopped working, just like the others. I can't take much more of this doctor and med crap! It just annoys me to no end.

Thanks Starfish - The depression is strange. Some days it really feels like depression and other days it just feels blah. I usually can e-mail my t, but she is trying to cut back on that and wants people to call instead. I did tell her that I won't be e-mailing her anymore. I also told her that I probably would not call since I am not good at doing that. Never really have anything to say on the phone. I kind of get caught up in the silence.

Thanks for the support though.

Smiley
lamplighterlamplighterMember
Hi Smiley I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this - it’s one thing to feel crap and know what it is you’re feeling bad about, but to have a continuous state of feeling bad with no apparent problem that you can focus on and know it’s the cause must be truly horrible. Frowner

I’m not surprised that you were feeling disconnected in session though, getting stoned is a pretty good way of achieving that! I wonder though that you weren’t concerned about it as nearly all Ts I’ve come across are quite clear that they won’t treat a client if the client has been drinking or taking drugs (so maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea that you didn’t tell her too much at the time!) And you said your last session was really tough - sounds like some much needed self protection was kicking in?

And hey don’t beat yourself up for not telling her any of the things you feel you should have, or wanted to - it would be great if every session were productive and connecting but you can only do as much as you are able in the moment - there’s always next session, and the next…

I’m also glad you posted - I know it really helps me even if I don’t really know how to get out in words what’s going on in my head - I find getting stuff out on this forum really helps both with sorting through what I need to say in therapy and it’s also like mini therapy as well. I hope you feel you can keep posting whenever you want to - don’t be put off by feeling you have to spell it all out really clearly or whatever - anything you post is valued!

I hope your next session goes better for you Smiler

Lamplighter
kashleykashleyMember
Hi Smiley,

There's not much I can add to the responses you've gotten so far, so I won't try. But I just wanted to say that I sure as heck am never sure about myself when I post. I would absolutely hate for you to feel that you couldn't come here and post if you needed to, so I want you to know that. The wonderful thing about this forum is that I can take however many minutes/hours/days it takes for me to get something into words before I talk about it. Even then, I find everyone and everything here even more helpful when I'm in a time of complete confusion and disconnection. It doesn't heal it completely, but it always seems to be just enough to keep me from taking a dive off the deep end.

Hang in there and post as much as you need.
smileysmileyMember
Hello all - First let me say thanks to all of you. It's nice to know that someone is truly out there. Sometimes I feel so alone. I can be alone on the outside, but being alone on the inside is worse. On the inside there is just me and I am not very fond of me. Trying to sit with that really stinks!

LL - You're right I did think about my T knowing I was high. I'm a pretty good "hider" though. I've never been a sloppy drunk or druggie. Very much composed and in control. Must remain invisible ya know. Don't want anyone to notice me so I got pretty good at hiding. Definately being in a self-protection mode.

Kashley - Thanks for your response. I really do appreciate it.

I have a BBQ this weekend with about 50 people at my house. It's supposed to rain and my house isn't big enough for 50 people. My other half will be miserable because of the rain and the heat. So much to do, so many people, put on the Smiley face, get stoned and just be. OMG!! the stress of it all is killing me.

I can't concentrate. As hard as I try - my brain keeps wanting to go back there. Back to where the world as I knew it ended. The only thing that helps is getting stoned. Just enough to take away the edge. Yes I know it's a problem, but not one that I want to deal with now. I figure if I can make it through the therapy, I can stop the escaping then. If I don't make it through the therapy than at least I've enjoyed the high.

I'm sorry, I just am not myself at the moment. I'm feeling pretty low . I really just want to get out of here!!!

Frowner
smileysmileyMember
Thanks BB for asking. My life is not great right now. I did e-mail my T last night even though I know she probably won't get it for a while. I think I just needed a connection with her to let her know where I am. I don't want to take up anyone's time with my issues, not even hers. I know that sounds crazy because otherwise why would I be going to therapy in the first place? I think I just have to realize and accept that this is what my life is. I either have to live it or not. Tough decision for me at the moment.
Thank you for asking and I hope you're feeling better?

Smiley
blackbirdblackbirdMember
When do you get to see your T again? Please keep poting, Smiley. I know what you mean about this is my life, and I either have to live it or not, but there are people who care. I know, it isn't enough to fill in that hole, but the care of others certainly takes the edge off of having to deal with the hole all alone. Be good to you. When is your next T appointment?

BB

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