Hello Songbird, I'm really sorry you've been dropped in it like this - it's hard enough coping with one or two weeks break but SIX weeks, all in one go????? Did you know in advance, or did he just announce it out of the blue?

quote:

Basically I don't think what he is doing is good enough. 6 weeks is a very long time without putting any real structures in place and I am feeling very left alone.

I have to agree here, that although Ts do clear off for big chunks of time, such a long time is a huge break in therapy and I would have expected him to do something about ensuring you had support during his absence. I suppose being able to email him is something, but it does seem a bit mean to then say that he might not be able to reply. I hate that, it usually means, don't expect a reply and don't get your knickers in a twist if I don't reply because I've already said I probably won't.

Six weeks is also a big break in the continuity of therapy. It just strikes me as arse about face that Ts are so keen on continuity and consistency, and then turn around and say things like well you've got to learn to deal with breaks and disruptions! I do get that, but it still feels like being abandoned, so I truly sympathize with how you're feeling SB.

I can also understand that you're thinking of finding another T (that could be anger talking, the need to get some sort of control back) but as you're just beginning to trust this T and feel like you're getting somewhere, it makes more sense to persevere and deal with all the fallout from his long break with him, when he comes back. But I'd go for it too with the emails, let out what you're feeling - he might not reply but it's a good avenue for venting and clarifying for yourself what's going on too. And he'll get to know how you're doing so it won't be like meeting a stranger in six weeks' time.

I hope you hang in there - this is an awful place to be and if it helps, keep posting here saying whatever you feel about the whole thing. No way out but through, I think someone has that as their signature, it might be true, but it sucks!

((((( SB )))))

LL

Songbird,

Six weeks is a really long time. I'm sorry that you are feeling so lost and angry. I can completely understand why you would feel that way. I think that these are issues that if you continue with this T will be something to focus on when he returns. Likewise, if you feel that you need to find a new T, I could see that too.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry it is so hard right now.

Hi Lamplighter,

thanks for your reply, it means a lot!

I did know he was going away for a month but hadn't done the maths in terms of weeks in August and my apps, so was thinking 4 weeks. Really wasn't in any state to think very clearly at all. I think he should have thought about it though and not just left it to the last session to mention emails...

And yes, I do feel abandoned and angry, but also quite clear that I need a lot of stability and care to get out of where I am, and if he can't do that I owe it to myself to find someone who can! I am NOT going to hang in any dodgy situations ever again!!! Well, at least that's the sentiment... I have a feeling I'll waver again before too long.

I am writing a lot down in hardcopy but I am not ok emailing him at the moment. So the stuff is all there to work with if things work out. And the thing is Lamplighter, I do feel like a stranger already, and he will have to work on it if he wants my trust back!

quote:

It just strikes me as arse about face that Ts are so keen on continuity and consistency, and then turn around and say things like well you've got to learn to deal with breaks and disruptions!

You're too right about that one! And the other one about taking your feeling seriously. Now THAT is really rich considering!

Blimey, I Am pissed off, aren't I It certainly feels better than the there-is-nobody-I-can-rely-on deep shit despair from earlier! But it comes and goes.

Thanks STRM,

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Likewise, if you feel that you need to find a new T, I could see that too.

it's good to read this in black and white, I will wonder again if I am over reacting!

Songbird -

Hang in there! I know its hard. I DO. my T was also away for 6 weeks just now, and i felt lost and abandoned and left behind. Its hard and you got no option but surviving it. But songbird- i do have to say that i think you- influenced by your disappointment and anger- your discernment may be a bit ouf of clearity. Dont replace your T! You began feeling trust- thats great progress, dont throw it away. I totally get the need to "get back controll" and mayby a need to punish your T for leaving you for 6 weeks,- its very normal reaction.
I also did A LOT of writing (diary- letters to my T) during his (painfully) absence and THAT worked! But i did not send him the letters, but it helped just writing the longing/anger-feelings out, simply put in on the papir, black on white.. so, if that works for you (it seems so) keep on doing that. But i would reconsidered sending the mail- as i think (i would have) been even more disapointed if my T did not respond on it.. Sinse your T already made it clear that he may not be able to respond, i think its a big risk to take.. You can always give him the emails you written when you two meet again? If you`d like him to understand and see your pain.. ? (sure i would wanted that-)

This may sound harsh (but is very well ment) but this is not about your T. This feelings is about you. In my opinion your T has not done nothing wrong against you- it just FEELS that way.. (so easy to say that- but it may help with an objective veiw at this? I hope so!)

Songbird- try to focus on the good stuff you remember- between you and your T- as it was before the vacation if it helps you- and dont let this black hole drag you down.

I really hope you`ll find a way to cope with this- and i am glad to hear that you found another T in the meantime so your not totally alone in this...

All the best for you Songbird-

Hi Frog,

I'm really sorry you have had this too, it is blooming hard indeed! Where you ok with your t after his absensece, was there support for you set up other than writing?? Hope you don't mind me asking, just trying to figure out what is usually done as I personally think 6 weeks is cruel.

Thanks for reminding me that there has been development and not throwing that away! That is important. And without that I would not be in a position to be pissed off about him in the first place (oh the irony... ). But I do think there is a serious point to how I feel that is about his conduct and that needs addressing. And I am intending to (for probably the first time in my life!) to stand up for myself even if I am already scared about it. Argh!!!

SB

Songbird, Hi there again!

I`m glad you asked those questions, i dont mind at all (you know its very therapeutic having these things questioned) i`ll try to answer..

I was firstly extremely anxious BEFORE my T`s vacation and we did a lot of talking about my seperation anxiety. Yet, the 6 weeks of vacation was coming up, wheter i hatet it or not. Its simply just a therapist right to have vacation, but it is hard to swallow that part of therapy.

There was partly my T that came up with the idea that i could wright down all the suff i wanted to, and give it to him as i returned theraphy 6 weeks later. (thats a different story, but i enden up not giving the letters. cf other thread btw!) The wrighting was partly helpful, as i knew he was willing to read it. There was not any other back up plans, or crisis-plans for me, and i didnt want any other T in the meantime either. (i did call the crisis line once though..)

When we met again the anger was mostly faded away, as i was to glad to see him again, but the feeling of being abandoned i guess still is something we have to work on. (i just dont seem to have the guts telling him yet how hard it all was- because i really hesitate to criticize him...) I also felt it was cruel and (especially because i was in a car- accident right before the last session, and didnt manage to come see my T for the last-"good bye" session, instead i had to recover on a hospital and i only had my T on the phone for 3 minuts or so.. thats was horrible!) continued asking my self wheter or not he was doing more harm than good to me.
As we met again, and the summer-crises where past and over, the warm feelings for my T came back, and i think i -afterwards wise- understood that it was not about my T diddent care or just being a sh** and cruel. Its just a profession like others- and he deserves vacation. Yet.. feelings can be very enemyof reason!

Songbird, i think with your difficult past and family-history your reaction and pain over this is harder than mine was, and i cant really give you any advices or tell you "how to cope" with this. I`m sorry you have to face this hard part of therapy right now. I relate to your pain and gosh- how wonderfull it would have been to have my T 24-seven, but the relation is sadly not ideal, in that way.

If you truly think that this is about your T`s behavior and dont imagine yourself being able to work with him anymore, thats totally up to you. You need to find out, and nobody knows better than you what is right in this situation. You should indeed stand up for yourself, but perhaps you can do that INSIDE therapy?- with your T precent? So you at least could tell your T why, and what you felt during his absence. I am sure that will help - and you will get your chance to "adress his behavior" as you said

Was this an answer to you? Hope you dont mind either that i "push" you a bit on this.. its all very well intended
(throw it all away if its just burdening you to hear all this stuff..)

Hi Frog,

thanks for answering! I'm really sorry ablout your accident, are you ok mow??? Missing that last app must have been gutting!

And you're absolutely right, I will of course talk to him about it. For me that's the main point. Sorry if that wasn't clear. But I'm still thinking leaving people on their own for 6 weeks is a bit much without getting the context. I mean, would you do that to a dog???

Great you have your t back now!
sb