((((Agent))))

I'm so sorry that you had to end with your T before you were ready. That is a really hard loss to deal with and it is definitely a loss. I can't imagine if my T moved away, but I know that I would miss her, feel sad, lost etc. I think it is great that you are talking about your feelings and seeking support from those who can relate. There are many others here that can relate more than I can to ending T. I just wanted to offer my support.

Are you planning to start with a new T?

((((agent)))))))

first of all, after the welcome...i am new too, so i think you are the first i have welcomed! but, glad you are here. and i ache inside feeling your pain missing him. it is the most unique relationship, and unless you have been in therapy, i don't think one could understand it. i relate to the chronic self doubt about 'if i woulda said this, or maybe i shouldn't have said that'. i think that is how we are all (here) built.

a few words that may help, one, a book i am reading called 'necessary losses' (voirst), not that you need to buy it, but it has, more than any other source, comforted me on accepting the loss of my fantasy life, in regards to any relationship being the 'perfect and ideal parent/friend/child' ... ((kind of like as a kid growing up when Christmases and birthdays just lost their magic, and there is still or was for many years, that poignant sense of indescribable loss?))...which leads me, to .... there is nothing wrong with being 'in therapy' and finding someone to still help you sort things out...kindof a handrail for awhile.

my advice on that, is, first really research and interview the therapist before you get too involved to make sure that it is a good fit, and me, for one, i recommend same sex therapists. thought i would never 'fit' with a woman as my mom was such a nut, but i think it is an easier relationship to just plain old AVOID any sexual tension from either side of the desk...

the longing is so 'real'. i feel it in your words, the wistful misting up when you write it. it truly is a very special bond, and reallly, i see now, can ONLY be handled correctly by a supremely skilled therapist.

i, personally, think i will ALWAYS have a relationship with a therapist. i can't come up with any reason not too!! hang in there, friend, and welcome. let your guard down in here, it actually IS safe!! jill

Hi Agent.

It sounds like you developed a really good relationship with your therapist and his leaving has left a big hole in your life. I hope the sadness is a positive thing (remembering the good you had with him) and not making you doubt yourself. I’m glad though that you could write it out here and let yourself feel it, holding in the pain of a loss is doubly painful in itself.

Hugs to you!

LL

{{{{{{Agent}}}}}}

I'm so sorry that your T moved away. But glad that you posted here about it. You are right, you're in good company if you're looking for understanding and support about attachment to a T. Eight months IS a long time, plenty of time to form an attachment. I think I was attached to my last T within a week. And there is nothing else like that T relationship, especially when it is good like it sounds yours was...it is incredibly special and unique. IMO it was quite brave of you to do therapy with him even though you knew he was leaving ahead of time. Ending therapy is a really huge deal, and will take time to process and grieve, so don't hold it in, let the tears come as they will, and I hope you post here about it as much as you need to.

Hugs,
SG

Hi, Agent, and welcome. I'm so sorry about what you are going through, missing your T. I think it is very good, that you came here and hopefully we can support you and be with you while you are dealing with this pain. I attached to my T very quick, and I cannot imagine how scared and sad I would be if I could not see him anymore. I think it is so good, you connect with the grief you are feeling instead of just shutting it off and moving on. Please post about it as much as you feel you would like to, because it can be very healing to write all about these things. Hoping we can just be with you through this, and that you can cry many healing tears here.

((((((((((Agent))))))))))))

BB

Hi Agent- (love the name- by the way, it provokes a sense of mystery- like secret Agent- just me being silly)

Welcome to the boards- you will find good caring people here. Many but not all of us can relate to your issues- so" take what you need and leave the rest"

we try not to give advice here, so... that is what makes this work, I think. We try to share from our heart and our experiences what has and has not worked for us, and the many ways we experience our varied situations.

I can relate to the attachment - attunement with our T, but not the loss. I have been going for about 1 and 1/2 yrs, and with the same T. Many here have gone through and can relate to your pain, so hang in there and listen to what has worked for them- then take what you need from it.

I have found this community to be genuine caring people.
My Best to you!
Mayo

Hi Agent,
I'm sorry, you're dealing with a really tough situation. My T of 20 years retired about three years ago and although we had plenty of warning, and time to process it all, it was still hard to stop seeing her and I missed her for a very long time. Still do sometimes. But as I worked through the loss and grief, I got her back so to speak. She's a part of me in a way I can't lose and I suspect the same is true of you with your T. So it's really ok, and understandable that you're sad and miss her. Be gentle and understanding with yourself and if you're having trouble with that, imagine how you would feel towards and treat someone else going through this. And come here to talk about it as much as you need to; you're right, we get it and understand how important you're T was to you. I'm glad you were able to post about this.

AG

STRM, Jill, LL, SG, BB, Mayo, and AG - thank you all so much for your support. It really means a lot to me.

STRM - I'm sure I'll start looking for a new T eventually. Right now, I'm feeling like my former T would be too much on my mind, like maybe I would resist working with someone new because they're not him. I know this is kind of a dangerous path to go down, and I don't want to dwell on the loss and let it stop me from continuing to work on myself. I do think I'm going to take a break for a little bit. But if I let the break go on too long, I might ask some people here for a kick in the butt if I need one to get me moving.

Jill - Thanks a lot for the book recommendation. The reviews on Amazon are all very positive. I'll check it out.

AG - I had you in mind as I was writing my post, as I remembered that you had finished a very long-term therapeutic relationship. It's such a comfort to hear that she's still with you. I'm hoping this will be true for me too. I know also that your relationship with your new T has been very powerful. I guess that's the whole point - each T-client relationship is unique, so each one helps us deal with a different subset of our stuff. I won't have a relationship like this one ever again, but I can have a different relationship. It's still possible for me to do good, healing work with someone else.

Thanks, all, for being so gentle with me, and reminding me to be gentle with myself.

Hey, Agent, I feel weirdly unqualified to respond to this, simply because I'm still sort of 'in' this experience of ending myself. And it's different to what you are going through, I guess. But I agree with others that eight months is certainly enough to feel a really powerful attachment, and a lot of grief too. I'm really sorry it has ended without you choosing to end. My t kept emphasising towards the end that it IS like a parental relationship, so the feelings are intensely powerful.

I think you're very right that you need to take the time and space to feel sad. I'm trying to do this too. But my husband's away at the moment and mostly I feel like I'm just bumping around with feelings floating through me.

Please feel free to talk and share whatever's coming up.

Jones

agent...too, i might add, there ARE NO HERO POINTS for going it alone. y'no?? i think as a child i was somewhat 'rewarded' for keeping quiet, having no needs, going it alone without being a 'burden' to my parents, and there is still a big part of me that feels that is 'being a big girl'...but, there are no hero points for suffering in private, my friend. so, know there are good therapists out there. i found T3 through the link on Psychology Today's referral site, you can easiely read about all of them in your area, and there is an email link. there is alot of info on their bio. just know, there are people out there to help, and that MAY have something new to say that you haven't heard before. just don't go for the HERO POINTS!! they NEVER come. or else i would be up to my eyeballs in them!! xxoo

Jones, you and I are in the same boat, aren't we. It must be really rough with your husband away. I hope you've been able to let yourself rest a bit this weekend and feel whatever you've needed to feel. It's still so fresh for you. I hope that time passes quickly between now and your meeting with your new T on Tuesday!

quote:

I guess that's the whole point - each T-client relationship is unique, so each one helps us deal with a different subset of our stuff. I won't have a relationship like this one ever again, but I can have a different relationship. It's still possible for me to do good, healing work with someone else.

This is EXACTLY it. I was horrified when my first T told me she was retiring (in a screaming at God kind of way) and thought I could NEVER have as good a relationship with another T. It turned out to be a blessing in disguise since I think that there were a lot of issues I needed to face which required a male T for them to surface. So although I don't want to minimize your loss, I do want to encourage you that if you need to do more healing, it's possible to find someone else to work with. It won't be the same, but it can still be what you need.

AG

A very small update - I just made an appointment with my family doctor in a couple of weeks to see if I can get referred to another T. She set me up with my former T and I think she has a good sense of what kind of therapist I would work well with.

I'm finding it really hard to move forward. I'm still sad, but I don't think I've been letting myself feel the grief. I've been taking a lot of refuge in fantasy, trying to avoid the fact that I'm never going to see him again. I'm just feeling stuck.

And once again, typing this has unlocked some of the feelings I've been avoiding. Funny how that works! So again, thank you for this space.

((((( Agent )))))

I’m sorry you are in pain - feeling stuck is horrible. I’m glad you are making moves to checking out seeing another T, and taking the time rather than rushing straight into it.

And hey, nothing wrong with fantasy - it’s a good way of coping sometimes!

Let us know how it goes? In the meantime, please post on here as much as you are able, maybe talking about the good things with your T? Like you I find that telling others what’s going on often releases feelings that otherwise stay controlled, and often it’s talking about the good things that spark the strongest feelings.

All the best to you Agent

LL

{{{{{{{{Agent}}}}}}}}

Missing a T is so terribly painful...I think it's safe to say we all really get this...they occupy a very special place in our hearts that no one else can. I am also a champion fantasizer when I'm in pain so I can really relate to that refuge you mentioned. I'm really glad to hear you contacted your doctor to help you find a new T. I hope the next one can help you work through the grief over losing your last T, and continue the work that you want to do in therapy. And like Draggers and LL said, feel free to post here as much as you need to, if it helps, which it sounds like it does.

Hugs to you,
SG