AG, It sure sounds like you are describing something very young and childlike by feeling small, scared, and alone. I wish I could go back in time and pull you out of there and put your family in counseling so that you could have the loving, happy, and secure childhood that you deserved.

As a little girl you _were_ trapped and helpless. You couldn’t speak up or communicate your pain. You had no where to go but to hide your emotions and to keep thos terrible secrets. But just as you said you _do_ have somewhere to go with it now and your T can contain all your emotions for you so that you can feel them safely. He can even do that when you are away because you have such a tangible connection to him even when you are not in his presence. Your brain is recognizing it is now safe to go there which is a true testimony to the progress you have made under his tremendous care.

You have come such a long way and the progress is not because of your T’s care alone, but because of your own hard work, effort, and care that you have given yourself. In reality, our T’s represent the care we choose for ourselves. The care we deserved as a child and deserve now. Look how strong you have become as the “adult” who can also contain the little girl’s feelings. Look how outspoken you have become. It’s amazing isn’t it? There is your truth and hopefully something that you can anchor to until you see your T again.

I really hope this resonates with you and gives you a sense of empowerment to know that you can face this awful truth head on and that you are not alone anymore! ((((((AG))))))

AG,

I hear what you're saying; I think I feel like you're describing a lot of the time. It's like you feel powerless? Like you can't do anything and you just want to hide, because hiding is safe and the bad ...things? can't get you there.

I think about this just about every time I 'have to' go home (read: the holidays).

JM,
I think I can remove the "not sure why" part of the post title. I've been to this place so many times but I fight so hard each time to not notice where I am. And you're right that I have the help I need to handle it, both here and with my T. Thank you for the encouragement and the reminder of what's true in the present.

Wynne,
As always, you go pithily straight to the heart of the matter. Feeling powerless and wanting to hide because the bad things can't get you there.

Tuesday should be an interesting session. But I also know that letting this come into consciousness and feeling it will help me feel better. I think its time I looked at this.

AG