No need to apologize TN.

I'm sorry things are jumbley and confusing right now. And the uncertainty in your relationship with T is compounded by his leaving. I completely understand you're feeling overwhelmed.

If you can't see him before he goes, does he do phone sessions? Maybe that way it won't feel like a month and you won't have to worry about not feeling well enough to see him physically.

I wish you all the best in the morning. Do you have some comforting activities to sooth yourself with when the surgery is over? Books, word puzzles? Also to distract your mind a bit.
I'm assuming he does guided imagery? Sometimes it's hard for people who don't to be helpful with it.

Can you direct him on what you want exactly from this session since it is very important for you to get the most out of these next few sessions? Let him know you don't need "scary T"?

Let me know how it goes.

HUGS

TN,

I can see why the situation with your T and your impending surgery would be causing such anxiety. The two independently are enough to make anyone anxious and upset, but the combination is certainly a lot to deal with. I hope that your session tomorrow goes well and calms your nerves regarding the surgery.

Thinking of you tomorrow and hoping your pre-op and your T session both go well. ((((hugs))))

(((((((((TN)))))))))

Good luck tomorrow with your tests, and with your T. Please don't apologize for talking about the difficulties you are facing! What you are going through right now is so tough. I am so sorry about all the uncertainty you are going through right now, I can see why it would make everything so much harder. But I'm glad to hear that the last session seemed more like therapy again, and I hope when you see him tomorrow you get everything you need to help you through the surgery, and through the break.

Lots of hugs to you,
SG

Good luck today, TN!

((TN)) Wishing you the best with both your tests and T.

tn, i just read this, i guess you are doing the tests today and seeing him this afternoon?? what a day! i hope and pray things are good on both accounts, and that you get some soothing out of the session to get you through this vacation and surgery recovery.

it is so unsettling not knowing if the t is right for you. i am really struggling with mine, my husband is trying to get me to realize i tend to 'all or nothing' think things through, and one trainwreck of a session has already sent me searching for another. and dang it, i am NOT a runner. i gave my first nine months, ive been married 17 years, i GIVE the benefit of the doubt to the other person all the blanking time!! idk, sorry to rant, you don't need that, you need hugs and prayers. i guess my point was, if you are black and white thinking about your t, maybe recognize it from that light. it was good my husband reminded me of that.

hang in there and post when you are up for it, i'll be thinking of you today!! jill

UPDATE on today.

Well the actual tests were fine. Blood and EKG. Then had interview with the nurse and I had to ask for a private place to talk to her. We were sitting out at a desk in a larger room with people walking around. I planned to ask some questions and mention my trauma/abuse background and didn't feel like announcing it to everyone there. She looked at me puzzled but then found a place for us to talk. I asked her my list of questions about surgery and told her about my panic and anxiety. After a few minutes she started to look serious about it and became more ... interested or concerned. I was feeling uncomfortable and nervous but I was proud that I could ask for what I needed. This is something my T and I have worked hard on me doing and feeling okay about it. And after our discussion the nurse told me she would find me an anesthesiologist (sp?) to talk with directly since she could not answer everything and she hoped he could allay some of my fears.

So after the testing I met with him and he was pretty nice. A young guy. We had to meet in the children's play room which was private and empty. So we sat on these huge rocking chairs and it felt so funny. Anyway, I got a lot of information but nothing that made me feel better... in fact I felt worse and could not wait to pop an Ativan and get the heck out of there. Not only do I have to deal with the mask... which is the oxygen needed to safely put a person under general anesthesia, but I am also going to have a tube down my throat which just the thought of it makes me gag. He did say they would put it in when I'm out cold but they don't take it out until you start to wake up and let me tell you if I wake up with it I'm going to pull it out myself or I'll throw up. I told him I'm afraid when the put the mask on me I'm going to freak and throw it off of me and he said he'd make sure I was sedated enough so I couldn't or wouldn't do that. He said that with stomach surgery there is a more likely chance of nausea but they use anti-nausea drugs which do help with little side effects. he also said I could take my Ativan the morning of the surgery but it will delay my waking up by 10 minutes or so... so now I don't know what to do. I don't want to be "out" for any longer than I absolutely need to be.

My sister has offered to come and sit with me all night in the hospital so I don't have to be afraid of falling asleep there. I'm not sure I want her to come though...I just want to go home.

Had a pretty stormy session with T today and I cried all afternoon. We were so misattuned again and he hurt my feelings and I was in deep pain once more. I got back to work and finally calmed myself enough to text him and ask him to call me. He called right away and we spoke for 9 minutes and he had a client so he asked to call me back later. He called me back and we spoke for 10 minutes and got some things straightened out. We ended okay. He is super-concerned about leaving me when he goes on vacation and he wants me to see another T while he's gone and of course this sends me right into "omg... again he wants to get rid of me" and then he gets mad at me because that is where I go and I start to cry and shake. He kept saying he is not asking me to leave but I still can't HEAR him. He is exasperated with me because I don't get it. I do think he wants me to do EMDR with someone else and get "cured" of my trauma and then go back to him for...? what??? I have no idea. He said he needs for me to be better and faster. I can only go as fast as I can go. He has thrown so much at me lately and I can't catch my breath and this was not the time to shake up therapy with me going into surgery. I told him this. And I got frustrated again in session because I needed to talk about his vacation which I think HE is avoiding more than I am. He is so freaked about what happened last year and honestly, I'm doing much better than he is with this stuff. If he would JUST let me talk to him he would see how much work I have done in my workbook about coping skills and back up plans and keeping myself safe. I truly think he is having his own crisis of confidence.

The important thing that I have realized throughout this is that while I worry that I have done something to change him or ruin our relationship or the therapy... I have not... so far .... lapsed into my usual virile self-hatred, with SI thoughts and beating myself up with no mercy stuff. I have anxiety and I'm sad and have pain at what I'm afraid of losing but it's better than it would have been 2 years ago and... why??? Because of all the work I have done in therapy with my T! Because of all the good he has done for me and all the care he has given me. He is just too blind right now to see this and I just don't know how to tell him. I want him to know but I have no way to tell him that he can "hear". It makes me so sad that he is such a good T and he cannot see that.

And so... I now have a Tuesday morning appointment... he is off on Monday. Then we have a Thursday night next week....and Friday is the surgery. I will see him one more time if I can drag my butt out of bed to his office before he leaves for 15 days. I'm praying for a quick recovery/healing.

Thanks for listening everybody and for all the good thoughts and wishes. It means a lot and keeps my strength up for what is ahead of me in the next weeks. You guys are absolutely the best ever.

TN

TN

Firstly well done for being able to tell the nurse about your fears and that you asked for somewher private to talk, that was really brave and helpful...and not easy to do when nervous or in a public place. I am glad too that she took your concerns seriously.

It sounds like the anaesthetist was as open and honest as he could be, sometimes we don't like what we hear in these situations, but the truth is always more helpful so we can prepare ourselves. I have never known anybody remember having the intubation tube being removed from them after an operation, the first memories are usually that groggy feeling coming round in the recovery area a little later. The thought that it will happen though is a tough one I know, but they will keep you safe and calm throughout TN, because that is their job and what they're trained to do.

The next few days are going to be hard...waiting for something is always difficult. I am glad that you will see your T before your surgery, hopefully he can help to ground you and make you feel safer.

Thoughts and hugs for you,

starfish

TN I agree with Starfish - Good for you!! Glad you had the strength to do that.