Why I'm too scared to tell my T how it leaves me feeling and begin try to begin to deal with the facts of the situation, is that my pain feels to big for words. It's like if I could find the words to describe it, they would invalidate it completely. Sometimes there are NO WORDS

They say 'being an adult means more choices and it's different from being a small defenceless child - that as adults we have choices' YEAH FUCKING RIGHT!!!

As a child I told NO ONE what my mother was doing to me. I had chances too - we had a social worker come see us a few times (I even liked her) - I said nothing. I had my grandparents sit me down and try to force me to sob her in and tell them how much she drank so they could 'get her help' - I said nothing. My friends mother asked me - over and over - how I got my black eye. She didn't believe my story and we both knew I was lying. But I said nothing.

Yet I still had the fantasy one day, I'd be rescued. Someday, it would all get better. So way someone would HELP ME.

As an adult I reach out. I share my pain. I do all I can to get more support and I get nothing. This past year especially, has been a year from hell in terms of being unheard, invalidated, and traumatised BY the mental health service; repeatedly being let down, and failed right when I needed their help most

(Long story but two examples - phoning for support when actively suicidal and not being allowed to go and see someone for FIVE MORE HOURS; being ridiculed, invalidated, and once I was seen - sent home with NO support or further help, told I had to wait 3 weeks until my app; relapsing severely into my eating disorder and for nearly 3 months it was ignored - I was told 'we can give you zero help with your eating disorder so we won't talk about it'. I kept telling them it was BAD - I'd recovered from a severe relapse just 18 months earlier and I told them this time it was much much worse - I could not eat; how I didn't want to get too sick to work, I was losing so much weight and was DESPERATE for help but my consultant psych dr did not refer me on - there's so much more to this story I just can't talk about it. It nearly cost me my job, my house, and I've lost approx $50,000 in income due to their neglect )

it's WORSE being an adult. It's SO MUCH MORE WORSE BEING AND ADULT AND REACHING OUT AND BEING IGNORED

ElizaJ,

Big warm safe loving hugs. I hear your pain and struggle. I am sorry you are hurting.

Sorry it's so hard. I think the support issue is familiar to most of us. It finally turned into the deal-breaker with old T. I couldn't do it with what she was able to give. Now I've found someone who is much better able to meet my needs. I know that's not a possibility for everyone but it sure helped me to get out of that relationship.

-RT

(((ELIZAJ)))I'm very sorry that you are going through all this pain, basically unsupported. Are there any other T's available in the city you live in, or in other cities that you are able to get to? You definitely need much more support, and the sooner the better. Also, please go online and look for "mental health hotline support" so you can call and speak with these people to help emotionally support you on a daily basis, or several times daily if needed while you are looking for another T. Please utilize these "hotlines" and don't give up! There are good T's out there, please keep looking and "DON"T GIVE UP, IT WILL GET BETTER".

I really like my T and I trust her more than I have anyone I've seen in 20 years. I really don't think more contact from my T would be the answer - getting close to anyone scares the hell out of me. I had one T a few years ago that allowed me to txt / call whenever (with the understanding she did work part time elsewhere and could t always answer or respond quickly). That she was so available kinda creeped me out - left me feeling uncomfortable.

Reality is even if I 'could' call my T I know I wouldn't. Once when I was out of town and couldn't make our weekly app she did offer to phone me during the time our app would have been but I declined because even the thought of talking down the phone with her voice RIGHT in my ear just felt too INVASIVE.



The thing is I DID have back up support. I use a community agency and have had a caseworker. They're available to see you as many times a week as you need, although I generally saw my caseworker once a fortnight and once a week when I needed more support. She was there for me to phone when I needed to talk also. Just knowing someone was there in the background helped me feel safe - just knowing I could contact them meant I felt safe and didn't need too.

But that's fallen apart in a HUGE way.

I made another thread about it.

It feels like it's the final straw. I'm struggling really bad now. I was unable to work yesterday. I've canceled my volunteer work this morning.

I hope to phone my psychiatrist and god willing get an app with her today - but more likely than not, I won't be able to as she's quite booked .

I don't feel safe AT ALL phoning the emergency psych no. I had a horrific experience with them last year that traumatised me further. I'd phoned them suicidal (the first contact in over TWO YEARS) and they fobbed me off, invalidated me, and I cannot phone them again - I'm honestly better off struggling alone than to reach out and be slapped back right when I'm so desperate. I'm honestly at MORE RISK if I phoned / tried to reach out, and be turned away again like I was a year ago. That would honestly push me right off the edge - I don't have any wriggle room for feeling even a little worse right now

I see my T 8:30 this morning. It feels yuck knowing I'm the first client of her day. Knowing once I leave she has a full day of everyone else - guess it highlights that I am just one of many, and by the end of the day I'll be the furtherest from her mind

I've sent her 3 emails this week. One on wed lunchtime. One yesterday - full of pain and the first lines I put "Please do not reply. There is nothing you can possibly write via email that will feel anything less than a bandaid on a major surgical wound. We can talk about it tomorrow (in our session). I'll just assume you got it, read it, and understood my pain".

I sent her another one late last night. I know she is unlikely to get it before she sees me today - I'll ask her to read it when she's with me. I was honest. I poured the depth of my pain out, namely how I really don't think I can do this much longer. The pain is too unbearable and it feels unsurviveable.

It's like ever single hurt and rejection and abandonment I've ever experienced has rolled into one giant ball and has swallowed me whole. It feels like it's eating me alive and my life is being made into woodchips.

It hurts SO much knowing that the "best" part of the whole week ahead will be the first few minutes I sit down in her office - when I have almost a whole hour of sitting with her and her hearing me and trying to understand my pain. Then the hour is counted down, and I'm out the door - regardless of how much pain and suffering I'm feeling right then, my time is up for another week

It feels impossible to feel she 'cares' - at the end of our sessions she always asks how I am - but what difference does it make? Does it change anything, whether I'm 'ok' or whether I feel my life is ending? No. I still have to suck it up, walk out the door and that's is, ON MY OWN FOR THE WEEK.

How fair is it? It's NOT.

What hurts the most is I can almost understand my mother failing me - she as sick - she was an alcoholic and a drug addict (addicted to codeine). She let me down because she was a useless mother unable to Coe with the demands of motherhood. She was manipulative and narcissistic. She always put her needs before my own - SHE was always the victim, always.

I hurt my ankle at school. I was picked up by her friend and had to spend the afternoon at the friend's house. My ankle wasn't eve 'that' sore then, but I still really wanted my mum and a cuddle. She eventually turns up. I go to her, wanting a hug, telling her about my hurt ankle - her response? "Well I spent the afternoon in JAIL!!!". She had been caught shoplifting and had spent the afternoon in the cells. I remember thinking 'but that's yr fault - you stole!'. But it didn't matter - her pain was ALWAYS worse than MINE.

But for the past year, the neglect I've experienced and sheer incompetence on the hands of the me to a health system beggars belief. It's far worse that they have repeatedly let me down and I feel this last event is the final straw. I can't do it anymore. I cannot reach out, cannot trust, cannot rely on ANYONE.

I'm on my own, completely on my own and it's not fair. I hate how life is - I hate that I feel this way and NEED what I can't heave. I don't feel my needs are excessive - I'm not waning anything that shouldn't be able to be provided. What's wrong with wanting / needing support when you're mentally unwell???

Underneath all my pain and anger - I feel angry that I have this feeling that if I manage to go see my T in an hours time and pour all of this out - it's what she wants. Like its a war where she wins if I break down completely and pour my soul out -SHE wants it to happen because it's 'effective therapy'

I'm hearing how bad this all feels right now. I had a narcissistic mother too... these types of childhood leave us with painful painful wounds that hurt like h*ll. All your needs were legitimate, you should have been nurtured, loved, protected - and you weren't, not enough. As we do therapy those wounds are opened up - and it all feels so awful. That little girl is finally allowed her feelings and wow do they take over.

There aren't any quick answers. It can feel like the T doesn't 'care' because it can never feel enough for the injury that has occurred. T cannot undo what has happened. What slowly does happen is that you begin to take in the care that is on offer (as you notice that some is, and whilst it isn't enough, it isn't nothing). It's totally fine to feel the rage and pain and all the other things you feel. I have been where you are at (and still go there sometimes). Your T will (hopefully) understand deeply your feelings, but she will still hold the boundaries of contact and timing, so that you can both manage the hugeness of the stuff you are working through.

I wish it were easier. I'm just trying to say that I understand.

sb

Thinks sapphire. It makes sense thank you.

Saw my T. I was so shut down it was a huge struggle just to talk. Most of the time I couldn't say anything but only move my head slightly. I had my eyes closed the whole hour. I was in a ball. I was able to let her know I'm NOT ok. I don't feel safe. She understood.

I didn't think I'd be able to tell her the biggest problem - the support her and my dr can offer me right now is not enough. But I did. She had asked if I felt supported and understood by herself and my dr and I was honest - yes, but it's not enough for what I need right now'. That was when she offered to help me access some respite care or similar over the weekend. I agreed.

She offered to make me a warm drink, and wait in the waiting room while she made the phone calls. She had an hour inbetween my app and her next arrival and I felt (and still do) like I'm SUCH a problem and definitely not worthy of all this effort on her part

I tried the new med my Dr gave me last night.

It helped just a little in that the dissociation went from 'scary / must harm myself' to 'dissociated and protected in a small wee bubble where no one or no thing can get me'.

Came home. More meds. Feeling pretty sleepy now due to meds. Waiting for my T to phone me back with the plan for respite / support over the weekend. Trying REALLY hard to let go of feeling I am wasting her time and don't deserve all this effort she is needing to put into me today

You are reminding me that there can be "better living through chemistry." Thank-you. I'd forgotten I can use that support. And I sure need it.

-RT

RT - do you mean taking extra meds?

My T phoned m back. I'm having a support agency phone me over the weekend - there's a small chance they MIGHT be able to visit me but not really sure. I don't know if they will phone me today or wait til tomorrow.

I've cancelled work today. If I feel like this to or row I won't be working then either.

My mod is starting to drop a bit low. I might try to have a sleep.

No. I just mean benzos that I can take PRN. I forget about them. I think I need a handful right now. JK (but I really do)

-RT

I think I am getting confused. Is this thread in three places?

No. I have 2 threads - one about the abandonment trauma triggered by my caseworkers failing me, and this one about how alone I feel due to that support falling apart and having limited support from my T.

Sorry


Trying to process what happened today at my Ts.

I let her do things for me and I feel a bit yuck about it. Like I violated my own boundaries in the process.

It felt really really uncomfortable and wrong, her making all those calls to try to help me. She phoned me a total of THREE times - I have always avoided her calling me cos her voice being down the phone is too close.

I let her make me a hot cup of coffee. It felt ok at the time - wish I'd felt compote but I felt numb and spaced out. Now, thinking about it, I feel really really icky.

What kind of waking fuck up am I that even letting someone do something kind for me leaves me feeling violated???



Can ANYONE relate to feeling this way???? My T was only trying to be kind - I just feel so gross all over. Like I want to crawl out of my skin