Feeling So Lost

True NorthCo-moderator

Hi all.... I'm sorry I have not been around much or able to support others. I feel very lost and fragile right now. Losing someone so close to me (I'll call him "C") has just broken my heart and I wonder who else I'm going to lose now.

Three years ago the two most influential and important people in my life were oldT and C. Now I have lost both... one abandoned me and the other died. It seems like every 3 years I am dealing with loss. First my dad, 3 years later my mom, 3 years after that oldT and now C. C has been in my life for 30 years. He was like a soul mate to me. We were so much alike that I "knew" him the moment I met him for the first time. That week that I was so traumatized from oldT I reached out to C even though during that period we had not been as close. I needed to hear his voice. Things were complicated because we did not speak the same language. Literally. I spoke in his language but it was difficult at times to communicate the nuances of emotions and feelings. How could I explain attachment in another language? It's hard enough to grasp in English. But he told me that when I wanted to talk he would be there.

Now there is this HUGE empty space inside of me. It will never be filled again. My T says eventually my memories and the love I had for him will fill it. I don't believe him. And I'll never have any new memories now. My memories and our shared experiences have ended forever. There will never be a chance to right our relationship which was strained over the past few years. I can never tell him what happened to me and why my behavior changed. He will never have the chance to know my son or watch him grow up and teach him all the things he was so good at. I can't help but feel cheated at this loss. It came so suddenly and without warning. I knew of course one day he would die. I hoped I would die first. But I thought that we would grow old and feeble and have time to sit and remember the times we shared.

And so I went to see my T today. I had to call him last Friday because I returned to work and went into panic. He was good with me on the phone and assured me I could contact him whenever I needed him. Then I emailed him Friday night because I got scared again.

Today... I was really angry at him! There was no reason but I was. I'm trying to figure out why. Is it because he is there and C is gone? Is it because he is telling me I'm going to get over this? Is it because he is telling me that it's okay and that C cared about me? Or maybe because he is NOT able to make C come back to life? I would not look at him today which is rare. I also had times when I sat there with my arms crossed in front of me. He yelled at me to uncross them. I said no and he said yes I had to. He said I am too defensive and so I told him that is how I feel. He said that is okay but not the crossed arms. What was that about?

I asked him today... what is the point? what is the point of working in therapy and trying to get well when as soon as I see a point of light I get smashed down again with more loss and grief? I can't keep doing this... trying to come back from such pain. I'm worn out. I could find a new T to replace oldT but who will replace my friend and soul mate of 30 years? How can that place ever be filled? he told me I have other people to love like my son and my dh and sister. He said that I also care about him too. I told him I don't want to ever love anyone else. Because then they are taken away too soon.

By this time I felt like he checked out on me. Like he was just waiting for the session to be over so he could shove me out the door. Just before that when I said I was alone now and didn't have anyone just like after oldT... he said that now it's different because i have him. I just looked at him and I wanted to scream... "I don't want you... I want C back". But I didn't say it. I just looked away and ignored him. Then I left.

Right now I don't want to go back or ever talk to him again. I am so furious and I don't understand and I just feel so lost. I want to crawl away somewhere and hide forever.

thanks for reading
TN

6/3/138:37 PM

❤️ 0

Original Post

Replies sorted oldest to newest

sdMember

Hey TN,

I know this all too well and so much of what you have said is what I feel and have said to myself. My best friend and soul mate (I believe we were twins in a past life, we had an amazing friendship) died 16 years ago and my grief is as big now as it ever was. It affected every minute of my life ever since. I am trying to come to a place of acceptance with T's help.

She too has said similar things to me as your T did and i give her a look as if she is an alien and has no effing idea what is going on, except I do know she does as she has lost her mum and they were close. Maybe they are speaking the absolute truth but we are too damaged and hurt to ever take that in. How can they kid a kidder? Is that the saying? We have lived rejection and abandonment all our life - just because a T says the space in our heart will fill with good memories - how do we accept that, embrace that and change our life of bad experiences. Yeah right. Sure.

TN, it sounds like your T was affected by your grief - countertransference maybe?. I think he sounded angry or something. Maybe he mistook your grief for self pity? Not that it was, please don't think I have said that - but I believe that our T's have to sit there and watch, experience all our grief and extreme pain and they can't do anything about it. I think they get affected and he sounded like he was affected, but what he did wasn't the right thing for him to do.

My T would have cried. She would have been thinking of her mum and cried. Your T acted differently.

I think it is also hard for our T's when we can snap back to that bad, bad place from when we were termed and we can do it so quickly. The blink of an eye. And I think our T's think, 'bloody hell, all the work and progress we have done and there she goes again. Isn't she listening to me at all!!!' So for you the old Term and C's death are all mixed up again into the turmoil and it is all blurred and ugly and horrible and it explodes out of us.

Your T sounded a bit jealous too.

I don't know - my head is in the wrong place - but that is what I thought when i read your post.

Are you able to go to C's funeral or has it passed?

I am sorry for your sadness TN.
Somedays.

6/3/139:26 PM

❤️ 0

greeneyesMember

Dear TN

I can feel how heartbroken and devestated you are after losing someone who was so dear and special in such unexpected circumstances.

I think for adults who were abused, deprived or abandoned as children, grief is a very complicated and difficult area to traverse. The anger is really normal and very valid.

I'm going to take a stab in the dark here - you know your T is a safe haven you've spoken of beautiful and amazing work the two of you have done together. Is it possible that you are angry at your T because that's a less painful position than acknolwedging the loss of not only your friend, but perhaps other relationships? You mentioned both your parents have died recently. There is nothing your T, or anyone, can say that will bring C back to life. My guess is that he was firm with you because he knows that facing the grief is more helpful than getting stuck in the anger of what isn't realistic that will leave you in a place where you feel worse.

The point of working in therapy is because it is the memories and experience of love and acceptance that allow us to get through difficult times in life. Yes there have been and will be losses. But there has been and will be love as well.

I'm also guessing that perhaps in your anger you may have sensed your T checked out but maybe it was you. Maybe the idea that there is someone there to support and love you in your grief is so bizarre that you don't know what to do with it. No he is not C but he has stood by you and been there for you through a lot.

I really don't want this to come across as harsh or preachy. I'm really trying to hear anad think about what you're saying and experiencing and offer some thoughts that might help your understanding. AGain I'm so sorry you are in such grief and pain right now and I'm really glad you're sharing it here xxx

6/3/139:59 PM

❤️ 0

Attachment GirlAdmin

(((TN))) I think you are really angry about C dying and having to face another major loss just as you have started to put the loss of OldT behind you. I know I'd be angry. I think that because of the amazing work you have done with your present T, it is safe to get angry with him. So all of your anger over the loss and pain and how unfair it feels to lose someone so close and worst of all, the world around you just going on like nothing happened, is getting directed at your T. Because you can trust him to stay through your anger and you don't want to lose anyone else right now.

When we have experienced unprocessed grief, and loss and deprivation in childhood, losing someone is harder for us, because it evokes old pain on top of the present. Life always brings both good things and bad things, but because of our experiences, the bad things feel much more significant. Being mired in pain and grief (highly appropriate for the loss) doesn't actually erase all your gains, it just feels like it. Just keep talking about how you're feeling, all of it: the anger, the hurt, the confusion, not understanding why you're angry at your T. This is the work of grief, which is extremely difficult, but does heal. Despair is a lack of hope but to grieve is to acknowledge our loss and sadness but to hope there is a way through.

I am very sorry you are in such pain.

love, AG

6/4/135:56 AM

❤️ 0

beccaMember

TN, your grief about breaks my heart. I am so sorry. When things like this happen I get so pissed because life feels like one big joke. You become close, love and care for something then it is gone in the blink of an eye. Just isn't fair. I tell myself, why be so foolish to do such a thing but as humans I guess we just can't help ourselves at times. I know I will never begin to get this.

Your anger at your T sounds pretty legit to me. Maybe he was feeling a little helpless at easing your pain and thought in uncrossing your arms, you would let some of his caring in. Hard to say. I was thinking maybe you are also angry with him because you are scared of losing him also. It is much easier to lose something when you don't like it as much and being angry pushes him away. Just a thought.

Please take care and go easy on yourself. Your T will there for you in the end.

6/4/137:45 AM

❤️ 0

muffMember

"When we have experienced unprocessed grief, and loss and deprivation in childhood, losing someone is harder for us, because it evokes old pain on top of the present."

Spot on AG, and welcome back.

6/4/1312:20 PM

❤️ 0

True NorthCo-moderator

Thank you SD, AG, Muff, GreenEyes, Monte and Becca. Thank you all very much.

There is truth and insight into all of your responses. I appreciate the time you all took to respond and read.

I'm just not in a place right now to answer individually or even to really take in what you are all saying. It's like my brain is not functioning right now... or at least the left brain. The right brain is screaming.

I hope to come back to this at some point.

TN

6/5/136:04 AM

❤️ 0

True NorthCo-moderator

Thanks for the hug, RT

6/5/136:53 PM

❤️ 0