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I'm sorry everyone, but I need to get things out and this is one of my very few safe places to come.

I was saying to someone earlier that with everything that's been going on with li'l one and questioning how I came to my adoptive parents and everything surrounding how I came to be adopted, it feels like I'm trying to put two humongous puzzles together. But, before I can even do that, it's a huge struggle just to separate the pieces into their proper box.

Along with the increase in panic attacks while awake, sleep is being interrupted with disturbing dreams and images. Some of them so vivid and clear and some extremely fuzzy but shake me awake. I'm constantly on the running wheel and I can't seem to get myself off. And, unfortunately work is not helping either in that the project I'm heading up is becoming more stressful, with unrealistic deadlines. I refuse to go back to working 18-hr days and on weekends. Been there, done that to point of total burn-out. But, because I feel so totally exhausted by the time I get home, there doesn't seem to be any time of day where I'm at peace or calm. I'm in a constant state of hyper vigilance. Yes, I've tried the walk at lunch thing and around the crescent when I get home but by then I'm completely done. My safe haven right now is under the bed covers. That cocoon feels so comforting. It's warm, it's confined and comforting. It's like I'm on sensory overload and I can't handle anything more than that right now.

Feeling too many things that I don't know what to do with. I can't get them contained again in the compartments li'l one so cleverly created many years ago.

The Kid
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(((TK)))

I wish I could say something to help take away your pain Frowner I can relate so much to feeling like bed is the only haven when things are too chaotic everywhere else. It really is beyond frustrating to need a calm place and feel as if it eludes you. This may be an overly simplistic question, but I wonder if even a few minutes of deep breathing techniques would make any difference at all? Or my former T had me print out 'mandalas' and instructed me to just sit and color them in while doing deep breathing to attain a little peace for awhile. Hang in there
Hug two AH
Thank you for reminding, AH, about the mandalas. A friend suggested them a while ago and I keep forgetting about them. Li'l one loves colouring.

As torturous as today was to get thru, we did. But, unfortunately not without another cursed panic attack while in the cafeteria. Thankfully, it didn't last long...mostly because I had to get my sh*t together so I could I chair a meeting I called this afternoon.

As I was going thru this latest attack, I truly felt like I'm going to suffer a nervous breakdown. It feels like it only takes the slightest of things to set me off tears/ panic wise. I wake up and my internal resources bucket is already depleted. I can't seem to get ahead and am always in reaction mode. Not a good place to be. I take time off, and the mind takes me places I don't want to go and I end up spending the day under the covers...

Thank you for listening and responding. It really does help li'l one and I to know there are others who hear us.

The Kid

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