I'm sorry everyone, but I need to get things out and this is one of my very few safe places to come.

I was saying to someone earlier that with everything that's been going on with li'l one and questioning how I came to my adoptive parents and everything surrounding how I came to be adopted, it feels like I'm trying to put two humongous puzzles together. But, before I can even do that, it's a huge struggle just to separate the pieces into their proper box.

Along with the increase in panic attacks while awake, sleep is being interrupted with disturbing dreams and images. Some of them so vivid and clear and some extremely fuzzy but shake me awake. I'm constantly on the running wheel and I can't seem to get myself off. And, unfortunately work is not helping either in that the project I'm heading up is becoming more stressful, with unrealistic deadlines. I refuse to go back to working 18-hr days and on weekends. Been there, done that to point of total burn-out. But, because I feel so totally exhausted by the time I get home, there doesn't seem to be any time of day where I'm at peace or calm. I'm in a constant state of hyper vigilance. Yes, I've tried the walk at lunch thing and around the crescent when I get home but by then I'm completely done. My safe haven right now is under the bed covers. That cocoon feels so comforting. It's warm, it's confined and comforting. It's like I'm on sensory overload and I can't handle anything more than that right now.

Feeling too many things that I don't know what to do with. I can't get them contained again in the compartments li'l one so cleverly created many years ago.

The Kid