Hi guys... well I was just reading an old thread of mine where I was despairing of ever feeling anything at all positive towards NewT or any other T ever again. That was written about 5-6 weeks ago. I had promised myself at that time to give myself 3 months with newT and then decide if I was going to stay with him or even stay in therapy at all after what happened with oldT. I just felt so shell shocked and traumatized and the pain was so awful I don't think it was possible to let in any kind of positve feelings about anything.

So week after week I went to see newT and climbed the long flight of stairs (that I hate) to his office. It's when I enter the building and have to climb those stairs that I start to feel a certain panic and anxiety and the realization hits me that this is where I HAVE to be now because I cannot go back to the old farmhouse to see oldT ever again. It just hits home at that point and my legs get really shaky and it's hard to climb those stairs. When I'm standing at the bottom it's like I'm looking up at a large mountain.

Today, looking up didn't feel so bad or impossible. In fact, I wanted to walk up to see newT and to talk to him. Last week and the prior week we had good sessions. Last Tuesday even though the session felt good, later that day I had really intense flashbacks of what happened that last horrible day with the police and oldT. It was like watching a movie I could not turn off. I got really scared and was at work and sat in my office and cried as all those feelings just rushed at me. I felt so disoriented and I also remembered a lot of stuff I did not remember previously. I think the overriding feeling was the humiliation of being put in that position by oldT. The abandonment and reabandonment, the rejection and the horror were so real. I called a friend who talked with me and calmed me a bit. Then the next morning I got really really scared that newT was going to leave me too. That the same thing would happen... he would come to know me and then realize he needed to run away from me too, that I was too toxic, impossible and repulsive to treat and I would again have to live through an abandonment.

So I decided I needed to talk to him and beeped him. We talked for 10 minutes and he was able to calm me down very quickly by reassuring me he would not abandon me. That knowing what he does about what happened to me he would have to be a psychopath to do that to me and he was not a psychopath (thank goodness!). I think what had happened was that I had taken a few steps closer to him the day before and got scared and of course the flashbacks didn't help me. His phone call was immensely helpful in calming my nervous system.

When I saw him today he complimented me on how I looked (I was dressed in a red velvet outfit) which always startles me because it lets me know that he SEES me!

The we talked about what happened last week. He said he was not surprised at all that I had the flashbacks because of what we had talked about and also because he said I'm healing and my brain was able to handle the memories and the trauma more fully. He said he was aware that I had moved closer to him and that was because I had felt a little more trust in him.

We talked about how I came to find him and how during the intial call he already knew my story and I told him I felt secure about seeing him because understood attachment and I felt he at least knew the basics! He burst into laughter at that... saying he was glad that after 25 years of practice he at least had down the "basics". That made me laugh too because he knows way more than the basics and it sounded so funny for me to say that to him. But i told him that he would be surprised how many T's had NO clue about this stuff. He admitted that unfortunately this was true.

He also told me that he does not work with patients that he does not feel HE can form a bond or close relationship with. He is a firm believer that it is the relationship that heals a person... the theory supports the work and technique can help but you NEED the relationship to do the work. He also showed me he got his copy of General Theory of Love and he thanked me again.

We talked about some other things and he said to me that I should get back to school as soon as possible because I would be a great therapist one day. I asked him if he would call my oldT to set up an appointment for us and he said ... why so I (meaning him) can tell him what a lousy therapist he is? And I laughed and said no so "I" can tell him! But seriously he said he needs to think about it before giving me an answer. He asked me what purpose it would serve. I didn't answer him then because I need to think about it too. I started listing reasons why I need to go back there... most have to do with closure and making a proper goodbye to the farmhouse and to the sweetest dog ever. I also want my belongings back that I loaned him.

Something I realized today... I am no longer angry with newT for NOT being oldT. That was good. I'm starting to feel warmth from him and I feel warmth towards him as well. I gave him the Christmas card I bought him and he thanked me and accepted it gracefully. He gave me another appointment for Thursday which I accepted (and now have to figure out how I'm going to get this time from work). On the way out I turned towards him and said "I'm really glad I found you." And he said "I'm really glad you found me too" and patted my shoulder.

I think I'm starting to see a glimmer of hope here that this relationship has some promise and potential. It's still just really scary to move closer to him emotionally. Because if I do it evokes those feelings of what happened with oldT and I never want to go through something like that again. But how do I do therapy without opening up to him and making myself vulnerable again? I feel like I'm stuck in a bind. It's that same old want to move closer want to run away scenario that I worked so hard to get past with oldT and when I finally did and let myself feel safe he ambushed me and abandoned me. It is just really hard to get past this.

Thanks for listening to my ramblings. Hope some of this made sense.

TN