((((blackbird)))))
know you are loved and cared about deeply by many here. i know it doesn't fill that hole - but i hope you fnd some comfort today. i too am bewildered by the lack of contact from any family, and even the... well... it's just painful.

i'm sorry you are hurting. hang in there sweetheart

~jane

Thank you so much, Jane...your message is comfort...

BB

sorry about, that you also are feeling bewildered by the lack of contact. I just would think my mum would care to hear from me, but she will not answer her phone.

(((((bebs))))) its night over here, so i have not much to offor, but a hug. This days are tirggering, arent they? I understnad why you feel hurtet and "left". Know that this rush of hurtful feelings will fade and you`ll be able to see thinks in another perspective soon. You are dear to those who knows you,(your close family) and try to remember all those poeple whom do care about you and love you. uh..so much i`d like to say - hate seeing you hurt like this- espescially right now when all people are gathering for thankggiving- i just lack words right now. Keep posting if it helps. You do know your deeply appreaciated here, right?
Sending you lots of company and lots of thankfull hugs.

quote:

And because I did have one sister who cared, but since I have "embraced" therapy...she doesn't want to talk to me anymore.

quote:

oh, bebs, this sounds very hurtful, why is this so? THis aint your fault. I dont know the backround for this- sorry if i missed it- but this just striked me, when i read your poster again..

It's 5:00 and I am trying to cook somthing "special." Idk why.

hey, i'm sorry you hurt
(((((((((( HUGS ))))))))))

thank you for hugs, sweetpea.

thank you for understanding froggy.

my sis is mad that I am in T for too long and don't take meds, just thinks my T is "screwing me up"
just "get better" talk happy and shut up. So we don't talk much on the phone anymore as I can't be me. She raised me. I don't say much about that stuff on here, so no, you haven't missed anything. In fact even my T doesn't know much about my "foo."

Sorry, for venting...

Beeb

bb - i had the same desire to make myself something special to eat, even if I am far from family and alone... I'm sending some virtual cranberry-apple oatmeal bars your way... and many hugs...

Oh (((Beebs)))
Holidays are just so horrid for so many away from their families of origin and so much worse wit zero contact and takes the joy of celebrating the holidays with families of choice - it shouldn't be so but alas If my broomstick was turbo BB I'd fly over to wherever you are, stop for a cuppa and a hug or three then on leaving sprinkle long lasting fairy dust all over your home so you'd know and remember you're loved by so many of us in your online family
Lots of hugs
Morgs

HI BEEBS,

Sorry it hurts so much. I Can't post too much now but I will check in tomorrow.

((((BB))))

I'm sorry that the holidays are really pointing out that void in your life where your family of origin should be. I am glad that you are reaching out to your virtual family here because we all love and care about you! I understand how holidays can really bring up these issues. Every time the phone rang today my husband complained some because he had to stop what he was doing and talk to different family members that were calling him to wish him Happy Thanksgiving. He asked me one time why I didn't answer the phone and I said, "because I know it's for you. I have no family so nobody is going to be calling me!" Yes, I have my children and husband, but there is a special kind of void there for those of us whose family of origin is still out there, but there is no contact.

So sorry Beebs that you are suffering with this. I have not been around all day... been cooking and cleaning up and serving guests.

My parents are both dead. Most of my aunts and uncles are dead too. My husband's family live in another country. I only have a sister and her husband and son and they did come today and I invited a woman neighbor who was going to be all alone today and it was an okay day. I was a bit spacey all day drifting in and out of the conversation mostly lost in thoughts of old T and last year and how things have changed. I drank a lot of wine to dull the hurt.

I just wanted to say that I'm sorry your sister is not more understanding of you and that it's her loss not to spend this time with you and share things with you. You are such a wonderful, kind caring person and so generous she is really losing out by not being closer to you. I hate that this makes you sad and brings you pain and if you lived closer I would have had you all over for today ... I made enough food for an army. Lots of leftovers for tomorrow.

To the rest of you who feel alone today due to foo issues, I am really sorry and sad for you. I can understand the void and the feelings that brings... that very alone feeling even though there are others around you. I send you all huge hugs and healing thoughts.

TN

BB,
I don't really have any answers to your questions other than it's their loss. I know it's not the same but you have a huge family on this forum who love you and care for you very much.

PG

(((((BB)))))

Butterfly

HI Beebs,

Thinking of you this morning and hoping you are okay. The holdiays are so hard. We have this picture in our mind that they should be good and should be fun but they are really stressful for a lot of people. Did you know that the incidence of domestic violence goes up at holiday time?

I don't know how your relationship is with your mother but I do know that the mother-daughter relationship is really really hard. I have only known one woman in my entire life who had a genuine love and friendship with her mother. Other people seem to get along with the mothers but there might not really be that closeness underneath the surface. (I think it's all that boundary stuff getting in the way.)

I don't have any memories of liking my own mother, even to this day. She was an only child, so I don't feel like I can abandon her, even though sometimes I wish I could just not have to worry about her all the time. Who I want to be in life is very different from who she is, and who she wants me to be. She's very insecure so the more I am who I want to be, the more insecure with me she gets. That's been a huge problem for me. Because I've compromised myself for the sake of the "relationship" and oftentimes have been very unhappy doing so.

It sounds like, though, you've gone off and done your own thing. I think that sounds great - to me ... but it comes with a price? Is your mother angry? Does she think you abandoned her?

quote:

my sis is mad that I am in T for too long and don't take meds, just thinks my T is "screwing me up"
just "get better" talk happy and shut up. So we don't talk much on the phone anymore as I can't be me.
Beeb

BB...gosh, don't apologize. This has been something I have struggled with for a long time and people do give their opinion about my therapy even when it is totally unsolicited. What kills me is the stigma that still remains. I keep holding on to what my T tells me and that is that when people tell you what they think about your therapy being a bunch of "whoha" that it is not about me...it is about them and their insecurities. A number of my friends just don't get it and I"ve quit talking about therapy or any reference to it because of it. I used to try and get them to understand, but then with the help of my T came to realize that I never will. Unless someone has been where I am, experienced what I have experience in therapy and becuase of therapy, how could they know? I mean really, how could they know. Before I went to therapy, I was skeptical and I know now that I could have NEVER imagined what it was like or what benefits would come of sitting in an office with a complete stranger (well at first a stranger) and still be going over 1 year later. I questioned my length of time in therapy the other day with my T and he continues to encourage me to trust my gut, take care of myself and not worry so much about what others think. It is getting easier and there are a few that I've just had to tell them, look...I don't ever expect you to "get it", so quit trying and if you love me just support me and trust me. Part of it with your sister could be her insecurities about you getting better.

Just remember BB, if in your heart and in your gut you know that therapy is beneficial for you, then TRUST that and don't let anything anyone else says doubt that. It is very hard, but if you can get to a point where you stand up for yourself and your therapy and believe in it, then it doesn't matter how many shots anyone else takes at you about it.

I use this little thing to get me through when people say stuff about me (including taking hits about therapy, or name calling (the ex husband) or people telling me I can't do something or even myself being judgemental. I have a 12 year old daughter and I am starting to see her being a bit insecure about things (geez, do you think she gets it from her Mom?) Anyway, I tell her that she has the right to decide what is truth and what isn't. When someone tells her she's not good at something or she's dumb or ugly, I ask her, do you think you are good at that? And many times she will answer me with ...well, yes, I'm very good at that. I then tell her that she knows the truth and no one can take that away from her with any amount of words or actions. So in the end, she has the power to decide whether or not she will take what someone does or says to her and take it on as truth or fact. I have to stop and think about that advice everytime some throws a nasty at me about my therapy or my "sick" relationship with my T or yea even the go on meds and enough already.

So anyway BB...I'm sorry that I've kind of went off on a tangent here, but this really struck me. I'm in tears as I am responding because the subject of being the brunt of others insecurities about MY therapy has been overwhelming at times. I know how many times I wasted hours and sometimes days worried about what everyone else thought of me being in therapy!

Anyway...thinking about you lots lately and sending cyber (((((((((HUGS)))))))))) Hals...

quote:

Originally posted by blackbird:
...even though I'm an adult who has accepted that the relationship will never be what it is "supposed" to be?

BB, I wonder if you still have some mixed feelings about this, maybe feelings that are below the surface. I wonder if there's a part of you that still hasn't totally accepted this. I mean, can we ever really accept such a thing 100%. In my humble opinion, I don't think we ever totally accept that our family is 100% this way or that way.

quote:

Originally posted by blackbird:
Is it my fault?

No. That would be kind of like saying that your eye color is your fault, or it's your fault if you're left handed.

I spent the day with my family yesterday, and I spent the entire time avoiding my father. He wasn't being a jerk or being mean or anything, but I still can't stand to be around him. I can't stand to even look at him. At one point he suggested that I read some article that he found interesting and I just wanted to tell him to go to hell. Is it my fault for feeling this way? Of course not. It's just the way I feel. I think it's the same with how you're feeling.

Russ

Thank you so much for the support everyone when I was in a bad place yesterday. Gosh I get so messed up at holidays. Used to feel like something was wrong with me for feeling that way, until I met all you folks, so thanks for normalizing my reaction.

(((JD, Frog, Sweetpea, Deepfried, Mors, Liese, STRMS, TN, Preppie Girl, Flutterby, I mean Butterfly, Liese and Hals...)))))

Gigantic hugs, I really appreciate you making me feel not so alone with this. I'm sorry that you all were hurting yesterday, or at holiday times, too . It's just one of those things. For some reason I kept thinking about my T's face and weeping because he was the only person that felt like "home," and I can't ever have a family-type relationship with him ever, or even see him in person

Thanks for all your comfort, I'm glad that I had you guys to turn to yesterday. It's so tempting to quit therapy, because a couple of people who know about it, my sister who raised me, for one- would be so much more comfortable and approving of me if I did.

Yeah, my T has taught me too, Hals, that I don't have to talk about my depression or other problmes or therapy, even if people are directly asking He says that I can just say "Oh, I'd rather talk about something different.." Such simple advice but really empowering! I don't know why it never occurred to me before.. Thank you for your response. It's really nice to hear from you. I get nervous about how long I am staying therapy, too. You sound like a great mom to your girl.

Liese I used to "take care of" my mother for many years...it was a deeply, deeply enmeshed relationship from the time I was very small. She practically disowned me when I married and moved away. Now we are friendly, even affectionate, but she has *no interest in me at all. I could not call for months on end and she never even notices. I find this difficult. Something about it makes me feel really used and thrown away by her. Yeah, I do my own thing...but I don't seem to heal.

TN, I'm honored that you would respond when you were just trying to get throught the day yesterday. (((TN))) Thank you so much for your gentle words and words of wisdom, and mostly your sympathy. I would have loved to come over and help you cook, it would have been great.

STRMS, I am sorry that no calls are for you. I can really sympathise with that, even though I try to call home sometimes, and sometimes it works out all right...I don't know, I keep thinking it's my fault for not making more of an effort with my foo. If I called really consistently and wrote and stuff...it's just confusing, because I find it hard to extend myself when there is no interest in me or my kids on the other side. Maybe I'm just expecting too much, idk.

Everyone else- thanks for your hugs and support...love to all of you,

BB

oops, crossposted with you, Russ...thanks for your reassurance that my feelings aren't my fault. I just give up on trying with them, and then I blame myself for it, think I should keep trying or try harder than I do to maintain contact, whether I find it painful or not.

So it helps to hear that you are just mad at your dad, and that you are not going to blame yourself for having those feelings.

You are right, Russ, I think there is something I'm *not* accepting, obviously, or it woudln't creep up on me and cause me such large amounts of unexpected pain...thank you for helping me to see that I still have some stuff here to resolve.

It's nice to see you..

BB

BB,
Sorry I wasn't here yesterday. I just want you to know that so much of what you said resonated with me. I used to call my mother one a week, then once a month, then I hit a bad period in therapy and I kept putting off calling her because I was dealing with a lot of stuff relating to her and it just felt too dangerous. We went nine months with no contact because she didn't call me. I get a birthday card from her each year and that is the ONLY contact she initiates. It can hurt but on the upside it also means I only talk to her when I feel up to it.

I really do think you take too much responsibility for the whole relationship. One person can't make a relationship work. And there is one thing I am extremely clear about, Beebs, which is that your family is the poorer for loss of you.

((((BB)))))

love, AG

quote:

I get a birthday card from her each year and that is the ONLY contact she initiates. It can hurt but on the upside it also means I only talk to her when I feel up to it.

yeah, it hurts. I could seriously just die, and my mom would never have to even know about it! (Unless someone were to foist that information on her) I still tend to take on a lot of bad feelings and guilt for my failure in the good daughter role. The whole "if I made a bigger effort to reach her, it wouldn't have to be this way, and she's the one who needs me, I shouldn't need her..."

thank you so much for the kind words, and understnading, AG. I'm sorry that you find yourself in this painful kind of a vacuum relationship as well. ((((AG))))

BB

One of my brothers called me back today!!

Awesome Beebs!!

Fantastic Beebs
Morgs

BB,
I'm so happy for you. I hope you and your brother had a nice chat. I hope you can keep in touch with him throughout the holidays.

PG

Beebs

Really glad to read that you'd had a chat with your brother. I hope that has cheered you a little and warmed those little feathers,

starfishy