Are you stuck there because it is what you know and even though you don't like it, it is what you know. Because you know it, you are safe with it.

It is like my silence, I retreat to silence always when I am going through a "crisis". The silence is not good for me as it was the position I was in as a child. I grew up in silence. But it is what I know, therefore I feel safe in it even though it is not the best for me.

I think...perhaps your T meant it to be encouraging? I don't understand the full context, because I don't know the details you're discussing about secondary gain, but the statement sounds more like a "you can do this" thing to me. It can be a lot to face and I'm sure clients get worn out and discouraged in the process all the time. So, rather than insinuating you're a failure, I felt like maybe she was pointing out your inner strength? I could be misreading the comment, but that's how it felt when I read it.

However, my T has said encouraging things to me before about how I'm doing better or having that sort of strength, and I usually perceive it as him pushing me away. The best recommendation I can have, if you feel relatively safe with your T, is to tell her you heard something you're pretty sure wasn't intending and are wanting her to clarify what she was intending by that statement. My T always seems honored when I trust him with my projections and let him correct them. It has prevented or repaired a number of minor ruptures and misattunements.



Again, just want to reiterate, not knowing your T or the full context of the statement, I'm not sure I read it right, so I hope this doesn't come off as invalidating your perception of it, but rather something to think about and consider asking your T about.

Thanks for your responses!

Scars- yeah, I think I am definitely stuck there, in part, because it's what I know. Also, not changing is keeping me from feeling the full effects of my past experience. Feeling the grief of the situation. So I do get why it's hard for me (and anyone!) to change. Thanks. Hugs to you. Hope you are doing okay.

Anonymously- Thanks so much for your perspective. You have not at all invalidated what I wrote. I know I didn't provide enough context. I think she was asking me if she was right to assume that the part of me that wants to get better is bigger. I think I'm reacting to her questioning that...like she wasn't sure that was the case. And it's like, yeah of course I want to get better. I'm in therapy, been in therapy for 2.5 years. I've felt stuck going round and round...but I've consistently showed up every single week and continue to try to be more vulnerable and try to cry...try to take steps forward. So it kind of hit me hard I guess, after I left and was thinking about it...that how can she not KNOW I'm trying and I want to get better? I don't know if that explains it a little better. Thanks for your kind response!

I definitely plan to talk to her more about it. I'm just feeling deflated. I don't know how to move past being stuck. I've definitely gained insight over the past 2.5 years, but I'm not sure what else has improved/shifted. I sometimes don't talk much in session when I'm feeling emotional (which is fine, my T tends to talk more when I can't...) but I'm wondering if she's just exasperated by my stuck-ness. She's encouraged me to try EMDR (with another T), so I'm going to be starting that soon. Maybe it's time to take a break from regular T for a bit. I don't really have a trauma background, per se, so I'm not sure how EMDR will help. We shall see I guess!

quote:

So it kind of hit me hard I guess, after I left and was thinking about it...that how can she not KNOW I'm trying and I want to get better?

Maybe she asked because she already knew, but she wanted you to answer that question for yourself?

Definitely a possibility..but I just think with the way she said it,she was really questioning it. I don't know why I'm so stuck on this ....writing this out seems so silly now, but I can't help feeling saddened or misunderstood or something by this interaction.

Hi Erica

A few things struck me about your post.

FIrstly, its normal to have needs and want to be comforted and held as an adult. They aren't needs that you farewell when you turn 18 or 21 or whatever age you consider when being an "adult" starts.

Secondly, the intensity of your reaction would suggest that your T has hit on a raw nerve of some sort. Staying stuck in something that's familiar, even if it is painful, can seem less risky than venturing into the unknown. Maybe its hard to admit youre frightened, reluctant or ambivalent about facing yoru past. That is understandable. But it is inevitably better than staying in the dynamic you're in. Maybe you do feel like a failure inside. What's that about?

I think you should speak directly to your T about her intentions concerning her comments and keep going back. Seems like you're on the edge of some important stuff. Good luck xxx

quote:

Originally posted by GreenEyes:

Maybe you do feel like a failure inside. What's that about?

((Greeneyes)) Thanks for your reply. I think you totally get it. And to answer your question..I think, in part, it's about my old (rigid) belief that I need to be put together, in control, and have no needs at all times. I so badly want to be able to fully grieve and fall apart just a little. I want to cry in front of someone who can comfort me!!! But it's so hard for me to do that. So maybe what I really need to do (be vulnerable, face my past) is seen by little me as being a failure (failing to keep myself together and have no needs). Does that make sense? I know where this comes from and why this developed...but I guess having the insight isn't enough. I just feel like my T is saying..whelp, looks like you're too resistant and you're not changing/taking risks/etc.

Thank you ((Monte)) for your reply too! You have given me a lot to think about. I definitely think the eternal wounded child is within a lot of traumatized people. But you're right in that we all need to have child parts inside. Those are the ones that bring the creativity, spontaneity, joy, etc. It's a balance in trying to heal that wounded child (if it can ever be healed) but not extinguish it altogether. Definitely things to think about. Thanks.

((erica))

I'm going through something similar right now (child/adult needs), and am truly sorry for where you are at and for feeling stuck.

I've talked to my T before about a feeling I have inside where I want to get better/am okay with my improved functioning but also wish I could stay where I was at. Sometimes, what staying in pain "gets you" is safety... it's really scary to do and experience something entirely new. It also helps avoid the pain of processing and the vulnerability, trust, etc that is involved in that. So I think what you're saying about wanting to be vulnerable has a lot of validity... of course you WANT to be, but it's very very hard!! It isn't a failure at all.

I really hope you can talk to your T (but take a break if it feels right for you, too). I misunderstand my T on a regular basis, and take what she says or how she says things completely wrong. And it's more my own thoughts on myself that I put on to/from her for validation of them. I just saw my T this morning and it was funny because she was talking about how we've grown in not giving each other assumptions. She will ask me things, and I will ask her things by saying "I feel like you're saying _____ or feel ______" and we work through it because I know in my heart she would not be subversive, or if the feedback was "constructive" (aka negative!!) or incorrect we can smoothly talk about it knowing it's workable. I didn't notice we do that but we truly do. I didn't realize how comfortable it makes my work. So, sorry to ramble, but I hope you can talk to her... I think Ts rarely mean to be mean or leave things open ended. Clarification is okay to ask for... but it's super hard (and it's taken me a long damn time - and I still do it sometimes) to tell your T "hey! What you're saying is giving me this message ____ do you mean that or wtf?"

I hope typing it out was helpful for you. I think it's natural for people to have a part of them holding back, because change is terrifying.

I was reading your reply to Greeneyes, I feel the need to be totally in control too and have a hard time "falling apart". Mostly because when I fall apart my T is there, supportive, kind and it triggers me from falling apart to being completely enraged with myself for eliciting such a response when I'm used to be told to toughen up and stop so it messes with my brain. Since SOMEBODY has to abuse me so it "feels right", I will do it myself. It sounds like you are beating yourself up a lot, too. Today I was talking to T about how I do not feel okay needing stuff, and to make me as uncomfortable as possible my T said that it was my "little girl" coming out (barf) and that she definitely wanted to hear from her. That it is okay to experience the newness of having someone there. NOW she's having me call her every day to check in (thanks, exposure therapy) until I don't feel like a nutter. T2 has destroyed me so much Anyway... sorry was just relating and rambling too. So many times topics like this really help me sort out my own stuff, also.

I hope you start feeling better soon and, as usual, can talk to your T

Thanks for your response, cat. I definitely can relate to what you wrote..and think avoiding the pain also allows me to avoid the vulnerability. I'm so desperately afraid of that, it's annoying! Even though my T is really accepting and steady...it's just not enough for me to feel safe enough to "fall apart" I guess. I think part of me wants to take a break because I just feel so hopeless..that I'll never be able to really open up and show my emotions.

Thanks for your words. I will definitely talk to my T later this week about her comments and how I feel. I am so sensitive and I tend to take things and make them critical or negative, even if they were not meant that way. I don't really think she meant anything negative..like she wasn't criticizing me for that part of me that's holding out...but I just feel so disappointed, in me (not her). And stuck...but I guess that's obvious with the title and all

Cat, I am thinking of you as you go through a really tough time. Hope you are doing okay. Hugs to you!

well, we talked about what I was feeling in regards to last session. She seemed surprised I took it that way and tried to understand how I got from her saying that (basically commenting on my resistance) to being upset. She said she understands how hard it is to give up being stuck because then I'll have to confront my pain more. I mentioned that I was thinking maybe I should take a break. She looked surprised for a second then began talking. We never returned to that....so I'm seeing her next week and the week after that, indefinitely hahaha. She didn't give it a second thought or didn't talk about it at all. She wasn't being disrespectful, I'm sure if I really wanted a break/was adamant, she would totally take it seriously and we'd have a discussion. I mean, a huge part of me doesn't want a break...only a small (but loud) part does because therapy is so uncomfortable...but yeah, this is good for now. I was close to crying, like just really letting it out and not holding back, but I ultimately didn't cry. I actually switched it off pretty abruptly. It was a bit strange and something I've never experienced. Ehhhh I'm just so emotionally constipated! I was so close. Then my T started doing IFS questioning...and I really don't want to get into that because I always end up leaving so activated and upset. Frustrating. Just wanted to update in case anyone was wondering..sitting at the edge of their seats waiting

Hi RT. IFS is internal family systems, which is a relatively new-ish kind of therapy. It's been around for about 30 years. I like it in theory, but it's really shame inducing (for me). So whenever she goes down that road, I don't really like it because all the shame gets stirred up and then I leave feeling ashamed. It's basically based on the theory of the multiplicity of the mind...we all have various parts in us. When there's a trauma in our childhoods, some of our parts get stuck and ultimately cause us suffering. That was really simplified..but there's a lot of info online if you google IFS.

I'm kind of scared of trying EMDR.