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11 replies

Feeling very alone. (Trigger Warning: brief reference to dark thoughts/S)

dpbluseedpbluseeMember
Hi,

I just want to feel like I am not so alone. I am going through an incredibly difficult time right now. I have been in therapy for several years to recover from my abusive childhood and my current life is going to great lengths to simulate those circumstances. Because I have been recovering, I have chosen to stand up for myself for the first time in 45 years. I was then promptly abandoned by everyone in my family (my mother, sister and father).

My father (who is pathologically narcissistic), after a one-minute conversation -- because I would not act like he is the "perfect" father -- has completely written me out of his life. As if I don't exist. He only lives 25 minutes away and we saw each other a few times a month. Up until now, I would talk to him at least once a week and he was a regular babysitter for my son. We had a very congenial relationship but the minute I didn't comply with that "facade" of a relationship he abandoned me. I now know that what I was afraid of my whole life -- that if I wasn't a "good girl" and perfect all the time I would be abandoned -- was true.

Beyond this, I am dealing with a recent separation from my husband. We have been married for 11 years and because I stood up for myself he became physically violent by destroying property. He is not a physical threat and is in therapy and we attend couples therapy but our relationship is falling apart.

I have no job and no prospects for doing anything I want to do having been creatively blocked as an artist for 20+ years. Because of all of this I am now facing losing my house and "starting over".

On top of this, I am raising a 10-year-old son with special needs who will likely not graduate high school and will need some type of financial support well into his twenties.

My life feels like it is in ruins. And despite all I am going through, my family can't set aside their issues long enough to comfort me and ask me how I am doing. No phone calls, emails, nothing.

I am also continuing to recover and surface memories of my abusive childhood. My mother is borderline psychotic and I suffered verbal, physical and emotional abuse. She threatened all of those around her with death.

****Trigger Warning: Dark Thoughts--brief reference to suicide****

My recent feelings and the current circumstances of my life have made me feel incredibly hopeless and despairing and I have realized now, that when I was a child, I didn't want to live. I never acted on it because I don't think it was conscious. My theory is that I started feeling this when I was so young (prior to 5 years old) that it was not a concrete thought. It was just an intense feeling that I was alone and must endure hell on earth, without protection, and figure out how I would survive. I survived by splitting off those feelings and becoming "blank" and "invisible". I stopped feeling anything as best as I could.

Now those feelings are being triggered and are surfacing and now I am conscious of them so it is exquisitely painful. I feel lost and disconnected from life.

****End Trigger Warning****

I am in therapy 2-3 times per week with a wonderful T and he does allow in-between phone contact as much as I need but it is just not enough. I feel like I need to reach out to others.

Anything you could say would be good. Anything.

Thanks for reading and being there,
DBS
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L lieseMember
((((BLU))))

I relate to a lot of what you said. I keep thinking that it's got to be better to live - even if I am starting all over - than to live according to other people's rules. Sometimes that's hard to believe.

That sucks that no one in your family has reached out to you. They will get angry when you assert yourself but eventually they will get over it. Hopefully. Or hopefully not. Not sure which one is better.

yakusokuyakusokuMember
(((Blu)))

I can relate to so much of what you wrote here. The present circumstances. I won't tell my family anything, especially mom, for the same reason as your dad. But, I do not have a close relationship with mine, so I guess those "losses" feel far away, even though I live very close to my mom.

Personally, without disability for me and Boo, I don't know how we'd financially get by right now. We have just lost our house too. I'm so sorry you are going through that.

People will always be angry when you try to assert healthier boundaries. But, I have found that some will usually come around. My H has, for example, slowly done so. I don't have much advice to offer, but you're absolutely not alone. We're in it with you! (((hugs)))
greeneyesgreeneyesMember
You are most definitely not alone. There is a community here that cares about you and will support you in your journey.

It sounds like you are overwhelmed with incredibly difficult practical and relational circumstances at the moment. Anon is right that when you start to assert healthier boundaries, people will get angry and react because you're making THEM feel uncomfortable and face something in themselves they would rather not.

If its any comfort, I didn't want to live as a child. I actually tried to harm myself by riding my bike in front of a car while my parents were watching when i was 7 or 8. The feelings of being alone and having to endure hell on earth resonate very strongly with me as well. it is horrifically painful to know these feelings and thoughts of death aren't really an unreasonable reaction. I see my T most days of the week and its not enough.

My T's take on this is that the healing takes place slowly around the edges and that there is a lot of grief and rage involved.

I know it doesn't seem like it, but this can change and get better. DOn't for a moment think you're alone on the quest though, we are all here with you xxx
dpbluseedpbluseeMember
Outsider: Thanks so much for taking some time to respond. It is amazing how hard just reaching for help is. I am grateful that I can post here.

Anon: I am so sorry you have such dire circumstances. I often think how hard it would be to "just" process childhood trauma alone. But unfortunately, other life events do seem to get in the way. It is amazing to me how people will reject you when you finally start speaking the truth. I just can't go backwards and collude with them anymore. It is very sad that you have those dark feelings at such a young age. I have disassociated so much of my childhood that remembering anything is difficult. I am now remembering things in a new way -- with all the associated emotion attached. Previously, I just remembered "Oh my mother wanted to kill my father" in a very "matter of fact" way. As if "That happens to all kids." Yeah right. Thanks for your support. I really appreciate it.

GreenEyes: Thanks so much for sharing your story. It helps me to normalize much of what I am feeling. These feelings are completely new for me because I have been so split off from them for so long. I like what your T said about healing taking place slowly. It gives me hope. Thanks for giving me your support as well. It means a lot. Thank you. Thank you.
Attachment GirlAttachment GirlAdmin
TW: CSA and Suicidal thoughts

(((DBS)))
Welcome It's good to see you here and I am very glad that you have reached out for support, you so deserve not to be alone. You are dealing with a VERY full plate. Any one of the things you are facing would be enough to stress someone, so I am impressed at how well you are coping.

I am sorry about your family, it is painful and scary to learn that you cannot depend on them. I remember going through it. (I still am with my mother to some extent). Unfortunately, for many people from dysfunctional families, we have to forge other relationships we can depend on. I think coming here to be able to talk to people who understand is a good start. Have you considered looking for support groups near you? In person contact can be very important.

I'm also sorry to hear about your husband. It can be very stressful on a marriage when one or both partners are struggling to actually change. I know when my husband and I hit the 20 year mark, we were in such bad shape that neither of us thought we were going to make it. But marriage counseling really helped; our T (BN) really helped us to understand the dynamics of our past that were interfering in our relationship and things between us now are better than they have ever been. I am glad to hear that you are keeping yourself safe and that your husband is in therapy. I hope that it works out for the best.

But it sounds very scary and isolating to suddenly have all these relationships fall out from under you. But as you get healthier, you will find yourself forming healthier relationships which are better for you and more dependable, in which you can actually be yourself. Frees up a LOT of energy to deal with your other situations.

I also wanted to share that when I was recovering memories of the sexual abuse, I also remembered a long period from childhood when I wanted to die and it led to fighting a lot of suicidal ideation for awhile. We are so powerless as children and the situation is so out of control, that it makes sense that death would start to look like a good solution. Try to remember that 1) you wanted to live badly enough and were strong enough to not do that 2)even though the feelings are very strong and similar to what you experienced as a child, you are no longer powerless nor are you alone. I found it really helped if I let my T know when the feelings were there and a close friend of mine who understood. Somehow letting someone know I was feeling that way, put acting on it a little further away.

I hope you start seeing some light soon.

AG
kashleykashleyMember
I love what Smiley said, because it's so very true of this forum. I wish I had something supportive to say. I've been in that dark place many times and briefly stopped by for another visit recently. Roll Eyes It's a lonely place to be, very lonely. My T has always encouraged me to see about additional support in the form of group therapy, so I'd definitely see if that's an option for you as well.

Hug two
dpbluseedpbluseeMember
Smiley: Thanks so much for taking the time to respond! I already do feel less alone.

BLT: Here is a hug back! And thank you!

AG: Thanks so much for your reply. Your words of wisdom (as always) of "having been there and done that" are so helpful and do make me feel better. I do realize that I have to forge new relationships but it sounds so overwhelming to "start from scratch". Hearing your comment about it made me feel like it is still possible. I suppose it is hard to be optimistic about change when you are in the very darkest of places but it definitely helps to hear someone else say it can be done. You are absolutely right when you stated that all of my relationships have fallen out from under me. That is a perfect way to say it, because that is how I feel -- set adrift. I thought these were my foundational relationships however they were anything but.

My T told me today that I never actually followed through with my suicidal feelings when I was growing up because of who I am -- as you say, I had the strength enough to want to live. His comment was the feeling of wanting to die, in his opinion, has to do with a child being unloved and unwanted by their mother from birth, which is what he says happened to me. It is that primal instinctive connection and bond a child needs that I never got that has lead to my existential despair -- that I didn't feel like (and still don't feel like) I mattered to anyone. He asked me if I know I matter now? (I have been in therapy with him for two and 1/2 years and we have formed a very caring bond) I said "Yes, a little bit." He smiled and said "Baby steps."

Thanks for your encouragement and resonance.

Blu: Good name BTW! Wink I am so sorry to hear about your husband. That sounds terribly painful. I am thinking of you too. Thanks for sending me a hug. I really appreciate it.

Kashley: Thanks for your comments. I have thought about group therapy support. I am definitely thinking of checking into options in my area. I have to say this forum has been a very good start in getting more support and is helping me to want to reach out more. Thanks again.

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